Question About Manipulative Relative

You all ever meet someone (acquaintance, friend or other family member) who sabotages your happiness? Like...they will go out of their way to ruin your plans?

There is a person in my life (family member) who today, I realized that I cannot tell when we are going out of town, on vacation, etc.... EVERY TIME I tell her that we'll be gone during this time, etc... this person will say something like, 'oh really' and will change the subject. Then, it never fails; 1-2 days before we leave for that trip, she'll call up and go on and on about some emergency she's having. It's either her car has mechanical troubles, or she's deathly ill and needs help...something that requires our money, attention or help.

We've had to cancel a trip before because she was supposedly deathly ill...but when I went to visit her, she was miraculously cured. This happens every time without fail. My husband finally told me to stop telling her. Sure enough, the times we went for a simple, 3 day road trip, no calls...nothing. If she doesn't know about it, she doesn't call or have a fake emergency.

The times that I told her we can't help and went on our trip anyway, she would try to guilt trip us and make us feel bad that we're on a trip. And all we do is take fishing trips, which she hates, so it's not like she wants to go...I swear, she just wants to ruin our trip.

What the heck is wrong with someone like this? It can't be jealousy, because she just came back from a week long trip up north to see her friends! Is it just pure meanness? I know for a fact that this person has been diagnosed with BPD so could it be one of those traits?

I’m not sure, but I can sympathise to a degree - my dad has (until very recently) had a habit of spoiling family occasions - if he didn’t spoil or even ruin the event itself because he wasn’t there, we would come back home to some overblown (or fake) crisis. Every time! I’m not sure about what he has going on mentally and I’m not going to speculate, but he was an alcoholic and had narcissistic traits. Probably doesn’t help you, though, but either way I’m sorry you have to deal with this, and I agree strongly with your husband about not telling her your plans.

OMG, THAT HELPS IMMENSELY...
My ex husband was a horrible alcoholic and narcissist too. We've been divorced for 17 years so I didn't put two and two together until now. If I was happy, content or enjoying myself, he would go out of his way to pick a fight, hit me and/or demean me in some way.

This person doing this to us is my 22 yr old daughter...HIS daughter. I'd hoped she would never take on some of his traits, but...ugh...I have a lot to think about now.

THANK YOU, RoxanneToto.

I’m glad it gave you some clarity, it is very sucky though!

As someone with a BPD mother, yes, that was my first thought when I read your story. The fear of abandonment is a major issue, and they'll do anything to prevent real or imagined abandonment. I'm sure there are other things it could be, but since you already mention a BPD diagnosis that certainly sounds right to me.

It really doesn't matter why she does what she does; just stop telling her any of your plans.

Whatever the reason is, is irrelivent to finding YOUR SOLUTION to the problem. You know the problem "sabotaging your vacation plans" & yes there are sick people in this world(family or otherwise) who want to control other peoples lives for various reasons.

Learn who the people are & don't communicate information to them that they can ever use. Keep them out of the information loop. Sometimes things happen once & we file it into our brain. Things happen twice I it becomes a pattern we see & we put together how we are going to react from then on.

No one forces you to tell her your personal vacation plans. Maybe wise to keep personal plans personal. The more we share, the more crazy people/family members can use for their own benefit especially if they have a track record of doing it already.

I agree with Marie123.

You could also go to the source directly: ask her why she does it. We could speculate to the moon, here. If it is a BPD trait like her fear of being abandoned by you, that must be hard for her. How painful to feel and worry that people you love may just up and leave (and I'm not condoning her behavior, its disruptive and need to change, hopefully she is in therapy and getting help). As her mother, have you gotten any support or counseling yourself on how to interact with her with her new diagnosis? Maybe you could reassure her that you won't abandon her. But first, you have to find out - from her - what's going on with her. I also suggest cultivating compassion. Annoyance and callousness won't likely get you far with her, whether you care about your relationship with her or you don't. That doesn't mean you compromise your own boundaries or be a doormat. And you're certainly allowed to feel annoyed by this, as that's a natural reaction too, and I don't know what your relationship is like with her. I just noticed a lot of negative talk about her from you.

Keeping her out of the vacation plans will not solve the fundamental issue. Sure, she won't be able to manipulate you into not going, but if this really is BPD, then the vacation problem is unlikely to be the only issue. It affects all aspects of your life, not just vacation plans.

In the end, the only thing that might make a real difference is for her to get professional help, and it will be a long and difficult process. She is the only person who can change her behavior. The fact that she is diagnosed is very positive, as it means that presumably she at least acknowledges her issues, which puts her in a position to work on them. That's a great first step, and one which not everyone with BPD is capable of.

Note the reply I made to Roxanne about her father being narcissistic. I think now, that it's a combination of passive-aggressive narcissism and BPD.

It may stem from a disorder, but my impression from your OP is that it is jealousy. She wants to sabotage your fun and get attention because she is jealous. Could it be that she feels left out of your life?

i think that for some people, doing that tyoe of stuff is the method they use as a sort of "challenge" to reassure themselves that you still care about them enough to put other things in life aside in order to keep them 1st in your life.

i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about avoiding oversharing if necessary! Avoid telling her your plans if that continues to happen or perhaps try to talk to her about this if you feel like it may be Usseful! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @TheEbonyEwe, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

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Originally Posted by FluffyDinosaur As someone with a BPD mother, yes, that was my first thought when I read your story. The fear of abandonment is a major issue, and they'll do anything to prevent real or imagined abandonment. I'm sure there are other things it could be, but since you already mention a BPD diagnosis that certainly sounds right to me.

This ^^^

My stepchildren’s mother would do such a thing to them. She’d come up with illnesses and crisis to stop them from what they are doing and cater to her. She went as far as lie to my stepdaughter that she is dying and is terminal and needs to say her last good byes. My stepdaughter flew on the other side of the country to find out that no one was dying. There other countless emergencies and that’s since I came to the picture in their adulthood. It was the same for them growing up. It caused constant anxiety as they could never plan anything

And yes she was diagnosed with BPD and had some other issues but she refused professional help for many reasons, she was on some meds on and off but never consistently.

I am sorry your daughter struggles like this because it’s a struggle for them, not just for others, but the only way is consistently seeing a professional and be up front and honest with a therapist and psychiatrist. But that’s out of your control

Thank you all for the replies. We went out of town again to look at real estate. I didn’t tell her we were leaving. NO drama. No calls. Amazing.

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Originally Posted by TheEbonyEwe Thank you all for the replies. We went out of town again to look at real estate. I didn’t tell her we were leaving. NO drama. No calls. Amazing.

Sounds like you found your solution