The Buying a House together Ultimatum

She asked you how much you make after only two months, she started working on you about the house after only six months, but the relationship lasted 2.5 years. She must have been able to pay her own living during that time since you remained in separate homes. I hadn’t realized how long the relationship had lasted and this timeline until now.

It sounds to me more like she originally must have wanted merged families with you. I’d think her preference would have been to marry you, join whatever monies, live as one family- the traditional ‘story’. But, somehow she settled for just buying the house together unmarried. I assume maybe you told her you never want to marry which made her ask for less? She keeps working you over about the house and you keep stalling. You were willing to go to a lawyer to make it fair for all, so you were willing to get the house, but she wanted no legal understanding, so you didn’t get the house with her. I’m confused about why she didn’t go to the lawyer to get the house with you when you offered?

Then she spends 2.5 years with you. Over that time the honeymoon phase ends and she feels less romantic attention from you, gets insecure, gets vocal about it, feels the relationship slipping away, and it ends. She sabotaged herself. She got nothing of what she wanted and spent 2.5 years getting more and more disappointed and frustrated.

I don’t understand why you both gave the relationship 2.5 years. It sounds like she wanted it to move in a direction that it didn’t. I’m saying, if she had wanted you to get married and live as one family over a certain period of time and that wasn’t what you wanted, wouldn’t she end the relationship? But she didn’t. She just got more insecure and complained and then you ended it.

How did you feel about the relationship, in general, during those 2.5 years? Were you enjoying it just how it was and feeling fulfilled?

I wouldn't say you need to forgive her. Instead, respect her right to be the golddigger that she chooses to be. Then respect your own right to say, "This is not for me."

She probably can't approach life any differently from how she does. Influences molded her. This is all she knows. Accept that she is who she is, and be glad she put it out there for you to see. You don't need to be offended by her. You just need to not be played. You've decided to decline her offer. That's your right. No need to for you to feel guilty about that.

Hey Eskie! I love the picture of your sweet dog! So Sorry that they have passed

She ended up leaving her ex spouse (they never married)..story on them. She met him at a bar one night, got drunk, and made a baby that same night. They stayed together and he cheated on her when their daughter was about 1 years old. She left him. She then got back together with him, got drunk again and made baby number two. He then cheated on her again and she decided to leave him again when the Son was maybe 4 and the daughter was 8. During their living situation he was also physically abusive, has caused loss of hearing in one of her ears, she's missing a molar tooth from a strike, he's broken her fingers, dragged her by the hair, tripped her down the stairs...etc etc etc....anyhow I don't condone ANY of that abuse. I do however not know what was the real reasons that the abuse got to that level. Was she a cheater? Was she emotionally abusive and he could not handle it? Was she mouthy? I have no idea what caused this guy to go to those levels but she said he only started doing those things near the end of the relationship. They owned a home together. She was also married before that ex spouse for less than one year, and the guy decided to write her a letter to let her know that he has fallen in love with someone else and so she left him....

She was struggling with her finances so her mother would give her money to manage/get by. She could not do it on her own.

Her preference was that she wanted us to buy a home together, live there for one year and then get engaged/married. What prolonged the supposed timing was Covid hit. The market changed and I was going to have to sell my house first, move in with my parents with my kids, while she would sell her house second...during that period of transition because of covid I could not live with my parents and my kids to keep my parents safe (they are elderly). So we talked about once Covid ended/vaccines in place we would then re-consider and look into buying a home together. We never did actually go to any lawyers regarding assets and financials but rather discussed that we would do so once we were ready to buy together to put something place to protect our respected assets. She didn't want to pay the future potential mortgage payments at 50/50 yet did not want to put that aspect into paperwork...hence I would be paying more into the asset monthly and she could potentially reap the benefit should we have sold one day.

She did sabbotage herself. She said very early that it would be her own insecurities that would be the end of the relationship. I never understood that until the end.

I fully expected her to end the relationship if I came to her and said that I 100% did not want to move in together. She kept repeating herself every month that she felt the relationship was at a "stand still" and that it wasn't "going anyhere". Was I a means to an end?

How I felt was the most happy I have ever been during the happy times. A true best friend out of anyone I have ever been with. At the same time, the worst times were the worst times I've ever experienced. No one else has put me on a consistent emotional roller coaster, has made me cry from frustration, nor has projected their own insecurities upon to me to make me feel like I am not good enough or not doing enough.

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Originally Posted by Vindicated17 Hey Eskie! I love the picture of your sweet dog! So Sorry that they have passed She ended up leaving her ex spouse (they never married)..story on them. She met him at a bar one night, got drunk, and made a baby that same night. They stayed together and he cheated on her when their daughter was about 1 years old. She left him. She then got back together with him, got drunk again and made baby number two. He then cheated on her again and she decided to leave him again when the Son was maybe 4 and the daughter was 8. During their living situation he was also physically abusive, has caused loss of hearing in one of her ears, she's missing a molar tooth from a strike, he's broken her fingers, dragged her by the hair, tripped her down the stairs...etc etc etc....anyhow I don't condone ANY of that abuse. I do however not know what was the real reasons that the abuse got to that level. Was she a cheater? Was she emotionally abusive and he could not handle it? Was she mouthy? I have no idea what caused this guy to go to those levels but she said he only started doing those things near the end of the relationship. They owned a home together. She was also married before that ex spouse for less than one year, and the guy decided to write her a letter to let her know that he has fallen in love with someone else and so she left him....

Thank you for your caring about the loss of my soulmate doggie. It has been 2 1/2 years ago but the hole in my heart is still there even with my other fur babies. Some just have that special heart connect that is lost then they are gone.

Sounds like she wasn't good at making good choices in her life from the beginning. Sad for her because the consequences are never good for bad choices. I am still dealing legally with the bad choices my now EX husband made 3 years after my divorce from a bad 33 year marriage & 11 years separated across the country before I could get the divorce final

It sounds like you dodged a bullet AND A BABY!

Her back story is so full of red flags.

I’m not diagnosing, but from the behavior and feelings she has you describe, have you read about BPD?

Full disclosure- I have been diagnosed with traits of it and have emotional dysregulation issues. In my defense, I’ve done nothing risky or volatile in my life… merely got married lol

There were many red flags and should I had known these things at the very beginning I wouldn't have pursued further. I think I was already "smitten"| and had been intimate and hooked so to speak before things are revealed and then I feel what a jerk I would be to just leave because of someone's past. I have heard about BPD as I have learned a lot from Youtube since my breakup about BPD, Red Flags to watch out for, Covert Narcissits and the list goes on.