I May Have Messed Up By Sending a Letter

Hi,

An friendly acquaintance of mine is moving out of state soon with her husband. About a week ago, she told me the news. We live in the same building, it's a condo.

She thinks of me as a really nice person so I asked if we could be friends onFacebook and she said that she kind of keeps a low profile on Facebook, but sure We didn't have our phones with us at the time so couldn't make the Facebook friend request then.

I don't have her phone number.

I looked up her Facebook profile and tried to do a friend request but her setting is not accepting friends. So, I sent a FB messenger request but was thinking, that it might just sit in her spam folder (FB does things that way).

So, I ended up doing a public search and wrote and sent a snail mail letter. But her address in unlisted. The letter was a very polite letter, saying I wasn't sure how to contact her, so did snail mail. Then mentioned about not able to add her as friend on FB and I have my profile for her to choose to add me. Then I wished her well in her move. I figured a snail letter won't put her on the spot. Unlike if I had my phone in front of her with Facebook open. That way if she really didn't want to be Facebook friends she could ignore without pressure.

As of today, I haven't seen any activity and no reply to my letter (she should have received by now).

I'm afraid by me sending the letter, she might be ticked off that I did a search to locate her unit. But I may be making a big thing out of nothing as it might just be that she doesn't use Facebook much (I can see that she hasn't been on Facebook and it's been a week).

But my mind, thinks of things like maybe now I'm not longer considered a really sweet guy but a creep for sending the letter.I really don't know as maybe she could also be flattered that I wrote a goodbye letter.

I guess my question for folks here is if you were in her situation, how would you feel getting a letter like the one I sent? Would it feel like an intrusion? Or would you be happy you got one goodbye letter from a person you considered really sweet? Or something in between?

Thanks.

I hate to break this to you, but I don't think she wants communicate with you. Their was no exchange of phone numbers,etc. She's just an acquaintance of yours... not a friend. I'm sorry you're having to deal with losing an acquaintance. It must be hard.

The purpose of my letter was to put the ball in her court and find out. This way, she has my FB profile and if interested to add me as a friend she can. If not, then I understand too.

Like I said in my original post, because her profile isn't set up to not accept friendship adds, but when I had asked she said "Yeah, sure, fine", I didn't know if she just forgot her FB setting not allowing adds. Thus the letter.

I didn't feel it proper for me to go asking her for her phone number since we are just friendly acquaintances and she's a married woman and it wouldn't not have felt right asking.

I may never know, but just hope the letter came off to her as just a nice letter and not a creepy one as the very last thing I'd wish is her to feel that way.

I'm thinking not too creepy as if so her husband could've knocked on my door and told me to knock things off. Plus, would not have blamed him. But to my credit, in my interactions with her , there was no flirting at all between us. Just supportive friendliness.

Thanks for your reply.

From your post I assume that you and your neighbour have been friendly for a while now. She knows what kind of person you are. The letter you sent her can seem a little over-enthusiastic, but definitely she won't think you are a creep. I don’t think you have any worry on that score. Put the letter out of your mind and get on with your life. If she replies, good. If she doesn't, oh well. Don't sweat the small stuff.

If I was a neighbour and got on well I wouldn't mind receiving the email. I wouldn't think they were a weirdo or creepy at all. I'd be happy to stay in contact with them and add on facebook. If it was from someone I didn't get along with I would ignore it. Thing to think about also is she is married and her husband may not like you staying in touch, unless you were friendly to them both.

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In my view, you have gone to great lengths to try to stay in touch with her, including monitoring her facebook activity and obtaining an unlisted address for the purpose of sending a snail mail.

You asked if she might be uncomfortable. I think it might also be worth considering why you have chosen to go as far as you have in an effort to stay in touch with her.

I certainly hope your perspective is right. About letter maybe a little over-enthusiastic, but definitely she won't think me a creep.

I'm going to try and not sweat the small stuff like you said, as that's dealing with too many what ifs that can drive a mind crazy.

Thanks for your reassurance from your point of view.

I too thought since she is married, maybe her husband would not like idea of her staying in touch. I probably will never know what the reaction was to the letter and realize it really doesn't do any good to just speculate the what ifs.

The choice for me was between never asking for a friend request (do to Facebook) despite her saying "sure, not a problem" and her describing her FB profile so I can find it vs sending the snail letter and risk appearing like going to great lengths to do so.

I do hope that she does communicate with you after all you've done. You've done everything that you can to keep in touch with her... now it's all on her. It's a waiting game to see if she truly wants to keep in touch.. or want to depart..

About the Facebook thing... I can only speculate... but her keeping a low profile and having the no accepting friends settings turned on..that just seems odd to me.. Why is she keeping a low profile on Facebook is the 1 million dollar question?

I don’t know what she might be thinking, only she does. To me, she deterred your facebook request and left you no phone number to pursue friendship after their moving. In other words, the friendship is to not be continued in her mind. She said ‘sure, okay’ when put on the spot, but didn’t mean it. It may be because she is a married woman and you are male so she doesn’t feel it’s appropriate to pursue this friendship.

Since she moved and you have lost touch, it doesn’t matter that you sent her the letter. You have lost nothing. The friendship was only what it was while you were neighbors. You didn’t do anything to beat yourself up over. But, I wouldn’t pursue her farther.

Thanks for the support. I hope so too.

But like you said, I'd done what I could. The way I see it, she left the bread crumbs during our conversation to find her profile. I found but the no add friend thing. So, in my letter I left the bread crumbs to find my profile and the rest is her choice.

As for why the low profile.. Just a guess, but I think it is probably set to only friends of friends can make a friend request. I usually have my profile set the same way so scammers or others don't pester with necessary requests. Just my guess.

Yes, your insight might very well be the case. I may be that she wished things to end after our last conversation.

During the conversation when it was about to end was when I brought up the Facebook question. Of course, I could have been seeing with rose colored glasses. But the impression I had was not like the idea was awkward to her when she went on to describe her profile, kind of like "this is how to find it", then okay, sure.

But I understand. Kind of like inviting someone to a party on the spot. The invitee might enthusiastically say "Oh yeah, sure, great, love to be there" but really not wish to go to the party.

I would have had more regret had I done nothing and let the conversation end without asking. I'd be kicking myself more. But I totally agree with you in the no further pursing.

I agree with this post. I don't know what she might be thinking.

But I also think it might be also worth considering why you've decided to go as far as you have in an effort to stay in touch with her.

My interpretation is the she really didn't mind me adding her as a friend but probably forgot that there was no add friend option in her profile setting. Not that she was just being polite and knew in the back of her mind "Ah ha! Good luck trying to friend her". But do believe like others have said, no more pursuing as the choice is hers.

As to why go this far, my feeling is if this was a 100 yard dash, I wanted a clean start at the starting blocks. Not a "sure, you can add me ... denied by FB".

This was a speak now or forever hold your peace moment. So, I spoke as I didn't want the regret of looking back of thinking I didn't try hard enough with a very special person.



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I don't know how she would react but many people would be uncomfortable with how you hunted down her address. That can come across as stalkerish.

If she never gave you her phone number it’s fair to assume that she has no intention to be anything more than friendly neighbors, while you live in the same building. She has no intention to keep it going. You don’t know each other addresses (even though you are in the same building) and numbers so you are casual neighbors, not friends. I’d not be sending anymore letters or attempt any more contacts

Thus the title of my post. I may have ruined a really beautiful thing. I just hope she doesn't think that I was creep after all.

I don't know how she'd react and don't intend on any more contacts.

I think about if roles were reversed and I got a letter like that. I'd probably not think much of it and actually be happy and add person as a friend thinking "There goes Facebook again". But that's me.

I don’t see any harm in the letter. She might not have time to respond due to moving. Moving is always stressful and hard.

That thought crossed my mind too like maybe she really hasn't even had time to respond due to moving.

Plus, I think, about her keeping a low profile on Facebook (FB) might be that she's a very infrequent user of FB. So, it may not even be months from now until she finally gets on FB.

My mind is all over the place with what if's. Probably shouldn't dwell But like if she is just to busy to respond to the letter, say until she's moved away. Buy that time the letter addressed to her old address probably doesn't even hold that much weight as it's just an old address by that time. During a move, with all the flurry of things, one personal letter may not be such a big deal. At least I hope.

Looking back, a part of me wishes I had not even asked about FB. But the other part would have regrets had I not.

I should have respected the privacy and not sent the letter, but during that time of thinking feeling like I got short changed as I was hearing from the conversation "yes, happy to have me as a FB friend" yet also, wasn't an option in her profile.

I don't rule out maybe months from now she may finally get on FB and see my instant message and friend me then. Or by that time, the condo may all be in the past and she and her husband started a new life and these things get forgotten.

Thanks for your feedback.

An update. Here I was still spinning my wheels dwelling on things when I got that Facebook notification sound as I was just finishing a tv show. Looking at the FB notification was a FB friend request. What, can it be?

Yes, the request was from my neighbor. A very sweet message saying that she was sorry but doesn't get on FB or check mail much and just got my letter now. She thanked me for my well wishes for her and her husband and will try to stop by to say goodbye before they leave. That she will miss nice neighbors like me.

Made my day for sure!!

Thanks to everyone for listening to my drama and providing good feedback. I appreciate all of them.

I am very happy to learn things worked out for you. I hope your mind is at rest now. In future, try not to second guess yourself. You are a good person and it comes across to the people who know you. They know you have no bad intentions.

Thanks for the word or encouragement about not trying to second guess myself. I think what happens is when things seem like not breaking the way expected, doubt and second guessing starts to creep in.

There is part 2 to this. (Not looking for advice, but if you want to see how things unfolded, read on. Otherwise, feel free to skip).

Okay, with that tease, guess now I have to tell.

I mentioned that she said that she and her husband will try to stop by to say bye before leaving. Well, I really wanted to as she is just a very very friendly person.

But one thing I learned is trying to meet up when someone is moving is very dicey. First, I wasn't exactly sure what day she was moving. I thought today (7/17) but wasn't sure. So, I sent her a Facebook (FB) message earlier asking, but that was not answered. So, I also gave her my cell # to call so that she and her husband could give me some heads up when they might stop by.

Last night, I looked at my FB message and realized that I had given the wrong number on my cell. I don't have her phone number so I wasn't sure what to do. I then decide to slip a note under her door as I know she doesn't go on FB much.

Today moves around. I'm still not sure if today is moving day for them, but I think it is. I wait around in case they will stop by until around 2 pm. Then self-doubt has already crept in. So, I'm thinking to myself, they probably tried calling that wrong number I gave, assumed nobody was home so took off. Or perhaps they were just being polite saying they would stop by but maybe didn't intend to. Maybe they were in a rush. Or maybe her husband really didn't care much about the having to say goodbye thing.

So, I'm thinking, must have missed out or maybe they won't move until the 19th. I knew it's some odd number in the month. By this time it's going on 2 pm. I go to the grocery store and pick up a bag of fruits and go home. Check my mailbox and see on the bulletin board, her Unit is scheduled to move today , 8 am - 12 pm. So, time has gone, looks like I missed out. At this point I'm feeling down.

I get ready to just go to the elevator when it opens and 3 people walk out. My friend, her husband and her mother in law. My friend says something like "So glad we ran into you. We've went around knocking on doors looking" (she never did try calling the correct number I gave). I said to her how happy to see her before she left. As she was leaving I heard her say to her family how glad she was to run into me.

So, all in all, things turned out well. Some by efforts by me (like sending in the letter to ask for the FB friend setting) and also by pure luck or an answered prayer by just happening to meet by the elevator to say goodbye.

Thanks again for listening to my drama .