[Bluediamond]

I'm sorry if this is a bit long but I have to explain what I'm actually going through.
Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me... Ever since I'm a kid, I've had problems making friends.

I'm epileptic. Though I'm French, I grew up in NYC where I never felt any difference between me and the others. I was treated equally. When we returned to France in 1973, as I had frequent seizures, people started making me understand that I wasn't "like the others", when I wasn't called crazy... Throughout the years, I developed a feeling of lack of self confidence. I often used to buy stuff to people because I wanted them to like me, to be my friends. Now I'm 45 but I still sometimes do this, though in a different way : I always try to please people by showing that I am useful. If I know that a colleague is looking for something that is difficult to find, I'll do my best to find it for him/her... Of course, the person is delighted if I reach my aim but it never lasts very long...

I don't have many seizures anymore (about 4-5 per year) but I've been so protected by my parents who always did everything for me and I've suffered so much of my disease in my relationships with people, that I never was self-confident at all. As I grow older, it seems to be worse and worse. Every single move, word that people make/say to me counts. I'm maybe a bit paranoid but I simply can't help it. I always say to myself "She/he said this so it means that" or "She/he wouldn't have said that if she/he appreciated me..."

I've always felt that I wasn't interesting. That I had to go after people. It was never them who tried to get in touch with me. I always used to call back. Nobody ever needed my company. In friendship that is. To have a partner/husband is ok but friends are important too.

I've been working for 2 years now. We are a team of 10 persons. Half of the team is 27-34 years old and the rest is 50-53 years old. I'm stuck in the middle and don't share interests of any team... The first team is too young mentally for me and the others spend their time speaking of their children or grand-children.

Last time, one of the teams told me "We're not eating here today because we have a good friend who's coming over. We're going to eat outdoors with her, so I suggest you go to the canteen !" I was shocked, hurt you can't imagine ! Why didn't they say something like "Why don't you come with us ? We'll introduce her to you, it will be an occasion for you to meet her.." ? No. Instead of that, they got rid of me... When I used to have lunch with them every day in the office... Apparently, I'm not entirely part of the team, as I can see...

Today, at lunchtime, one of my colleagues says she's going to Auchan (a supermarket). Another one with whom she gets along well says that she's going too because she has to go to another shop called Fnac which isn't far from Auchan. I ask if I can come too as I also had to go to Fnac have a look. Once at the shopping plaza, I see both girls go in the opposite direction than where they had said. I say "hey, didn't you say that you were going to... ?" One of them says "Mmm...no, after all, I'm not sure I'll be going... But you in exchange, you can go ! If you go in this direction you'll find the shop ! It's not far from here ! Go on ! And off they went, leaving me horribly lonesome and completely down. I went back to my job, ate on my own at the canteen. For me, the fun was mostly going shopping together. But not to feel rejected once more.

I'm aware that not everyone will like me but there's a limit. I have no physical defect that could displease people (people are sometimes so stupid !), I'm even quite good-looking so the problem must be my way of being. What's wrong with me ? I feel like crying my heart out. I'm so fed up...

[Perna]

I often buy/find things for people too so they'll like me, I know just what you're talking about there.

I don't know about the other people in the office; tell me, have they worked there longer? I joined an office of 6 women and they had all been there before and had some friends and interests from before I came so I was left out for a few years until I was there long enough to "fit in". I can sort of understand that, that they might want to see an old friend for a lunch hour. Was a bit cruel/pointed how they told you "about" it and asked you to eat somewhere else though. I would have given you warning a couple days earlier if that were the case, that it was a special friend and we wanted to talk about old times and it would probably bore you, etc.

It seems hard for you not having anything in common with the two teams though. I was in another engineering firm and was the 2nd oldest person there but they'd all graduated from the same school and were all mostly young so I didn't fit there because I was from a different school.

I would try not to take it quite so personally, they may not see what they are doing or some of them may see and just be "cruel" like children? I would see if there weren't some "nicer" people in the groups I could become "better" acquainted with and/or participate in some of their conversations as well as I could? It's hard when you are feeling a bit paranoid and like it could be something you are doing. Maybe trying to invite yourself makes you look too "needy". What interests and hobbies do you have outside work? Do you have any friends outside work? Two years does seem like it would be a long enough time for them to start including you in things.

[curley]

Oh BlueDiamond, I read your post and just sat here for the longest time. You are right people can be so cruel. It would be nice if you had one person or friend to confide in at work. Maybe they could clue you in about your team members. Or actually you may have the nerve one day to ask them why they dont want to be your friend. Since I do not know you personally or work with you I can not see what is going on. But listening to your side makes me very upset. Maybe they are taking advantage of your insecurity to make themselves feel better. You said you think you are paranoid and that maybe they are not saying what they mean or meaning what they say. Possible yes, Possible no. If I were you, I would have people meet me at work and go out with them. Or go outdoors and eat with them. Even if I had to ask family. I would not honor them with your presence. They do not deserve it. I wish I had more or better advise for you. I think if you have other things to do at lunch and or with other people it would make you feel better and they would see you are desperate to be their friend. My best thoughts will be with you. Now hold your head high and smile and let them know you are a wonderful person and you dont need to hang with them.

[Bluediamond]

As far as my job is concerned, I more specifically work as a translator for the ministry of interior. I translate police investigations. I got the job 2 years ago. The problem is that many girls have been working in this group for now 33 years ! 3 of them have always worked together since they were 20 ! So I understand that they are friends and can't be that close with me. They are quite nice with me but I can feel that it's hard for me to step into their world. They don't open the door that easily... But maybe you're right, Perna. Maybe I have to wait a couple of years more.

Anyway, we don't have much in common, as far as our interests and lives are concerned. They spend all lunchtime speaking of their children and grand-children. I sometimes spent the whole hour without saying a word and they didn't even notice. I understand fair well that it's part of their lives but nevertheless, we could speak of other things. I got so fed up that I decided to go with the youngest team at the canteen. Specially when they asked me to, when their good friend came over... That too, I could understand if it hadn't been said that way. I'm not stupid either (at least I don't think so !) but there's a way in saying things in order not to hurt people's feelings. There, they simply let me down at the last moment.

The youngest team spends its time gossiping (which I totally hate !) or have interests that don't match mine like watching things on tv such as "American Idol" & "Desperate Housewives" and I'm not keen on that. And of course, they don't like what I like...

I'm not an intellectual and I don't consider myself old-fashioned, even if I do hold on to certain principles, like most people. On the contrary, I am very open-minded. Of course, I can't agree with everything but I tolerate most things as long as it's not illegal and that people don't say that I must be like them (e.g. homosexuality, religion, politics etc). But curiously, it seems as if I'm always the one who should accept their ideas. In exchange, they never accept mine. They're right and I'm obviously wrong. In France, people are terribly intolerant and selfish. I wouldn't be surprised to know that many people are very lonely.

There's one great thing that divides us is that I love the States and that they don't. Okay, it's their right but I hate when people judge me for that. They say I'm crazy to love such a country and that the best country in the world is France (they really said it !). I think that point also creates a great gap between us. People don't like it (at least in France) when you are too different from them and push you aside when they see that you don't correspond to their ideal.

Otherwise, I do know a couple of people at work with whom I get along well (mostly policemen). The problem is that everyone has his own habits. Even for lunch or to drink a simple coffee, people are used in being with certain persons and not others. I can't imagine myself asking if they'd mind if I had lunch with them... Though, come to think of it, I should dare and give it a try after all... Not later than today, I saw one of them. We rarely meet because we work on different floors. I said "One day, I shall have to go and see you at your office.." He said yes ! But I'm usually very afraid to get a "no". I hate to give the impression that I'm imposing myself...

I'll stop here otherwise, I'll soon be writing a novel ! Thank you for writing !

Hope to hear from you again !

[sunrise]

That is a very poignant story BlueDiamond. I have certainly been in situations at work where I was disappointed at the opportunities for socializing. I think maybe you need to look further outside your immediate group for some friends. The two teams just don't sound like your sort of person. They don't seem to enjoy talking about things you are interested in and they are not interested in what you like, and in fact, are even intolerant. I like your idea of branching out and visiting the employee who works on another floor. I have been in a similar situation, where my best friends at work came not from my immediate department, but elsewhere in the building. Good luck. You sound like a very interesting person to me and if you worked in my building, I would like to get to know you!

[Ocean13]

BlueDiamond-
I've been through a very similar situation at a workplace and I don't have epi or any other aliments. They were simply, "*ITCHES!". This one girl would pick someone every year at our workplace to harass. The others caved and kissed her butt the following year. We had a final face off! I stood up for myself! Standing up for myself didn't make things easier but damn I if didn't feel great! And she left me alone.

She had suckered these other 6 people in the office(formerly my so-called friends) to be her 'friend' by making up lies about me. They were 'weak' and bought into it. This went on for months.

I've had this happen my entire life. My spouse explains it best, "You're happy and smiling, and they are jealous that you can be so great every day while they are miserable." I do try to smile every day and be cheerful always. Even though I have a lot of issues of my own(that's why I'm here). But I WON'T give THEM the power to bring me down! They don't deserve it!

So, our new friend, Chin Up! Big Smile(they'll wonder what you're up to), and don't give up. Just because you don't have children or grandchildren doesn't mean you can't talk to them. By the way, I have neither too. I've just started a new job and I'm having to learn everyone's behavior, attitude, who hangs with who, etc. But the best compliment is when someone tells me, "You're always smiling!" I have no reason not to be.

Best of Luck**

Ocean