[leatherman]

I am new to all of this and I am a bit desperate. Apologies if my first post is a bit long - I could probably write a book about it!

I seem to be doing a really great job of ruining my relationship with my wife. We have been married for nearly 30 years and have 3 wonderful kids.

My behaviour appears to be a large factor in what is going on in our lives and I desperately want to understand it better and make the changes that will start to stop and hopefully reverse what appears at the moment to be a spiral dive.

A bit of history:

During the early years of our marriage my family (parents & sister) did their best to trash my wife and our marriage, to the extent that they even said to their friends that they would pay for us to get divorced!! This went on behind our backs and sometimes in front of us too and got doubly worse when my parents moved in a few blocks away and they really ratcheted up the pressure. I had various opportunities to stand up for my wife, one obvious major issue being when my parents said that they were going to move in nearby & I didn’t raise an objection of any kind. This went on for many years and estranged me from my family (with no small sense of guilt on my part, I might add). My dad died about 12 years ago (having not spoken to him for about 5 years). After a while and some contact with my mother she actually faced up to all the hurtful things that she, my father and sister had done – she acknowledged & apologised for these and we now have a semblance of a relationship with her. I still have no contact with my sister and at this point don’t desire any.

More recently my wife’s long standing problems with her family have really started to come back to haunt us. Amongst other things she was bullied by an elder brother and at school. Her mother never acknowledged, supported or did anything about this. Her mother also has effectively been bullying her and continues to do so. We have both brought all of these things to her mum’s attention but her mum has done nothing to address any of it. So far ignoring our communications.

Now comes to the part I play or don’t as the case may be.

I believe am a very bad listener and I think I tend to be very insensitive (protection mechanism) which is why I missed so many opportunities to deal with some of these issues when they occurred. I catch myself sometimes tuning out of what people are saying and going off into daydreams, I then only catch part of the conversation, hence misunderstandings – doing the wrong thing etc.

I also seem to have difficulty in standing up for my loved ones (and myself), preferring to keep the peace. Well the public peace anyway, because you can imagine how my wife must have felt when her husband didn’t stand up for her and protect her – she was furious. I still remember my fears of driving home from work and worrying that her car might not be there and the house empty.

I think that I must be somewhat of a bully and a control freak because I seem to “listen” to what my wife says or asks and then go off and do something completely different or opposite, with the best of intentions but with completely the wrong consequences. Most recently we needed to replace my wife’s car which had been totalled in an unfortunate accident by our daughter (who is fine). We were looking at various models & my wife had decided what she would prefer, I on the other hand went off & found what I thought was a suitable vehicle without consulting her & bought it. Needless to say it is not the right thing and has been the cause of much anguish in our household.

Recently, I also tried to help her with her with her mum. After discussing the issues my wife wanted sorted out I called her mother, part way through the conversation I went “off script” on one issue after succumbing to my mother-in-laws “probing” going down a route that I promised I wouldn’t. This has now also caused more stress in our household.

This appears to be a regular occurrence in our house and something that I desperately want to change.

I feel like a great big lumbering bull in the china shop of my wife’s life and feelings. Which to add to she has a chronic medical condition that is worsened by stress and at present that is all I seem to be doing to her.

The trouble often starts as a relatively small thing – say she asks me to do something and due to not listening properly I go off and do something completely the opposite. She rightly gets angry and I get defensive and it gets to the point where we are hardly talking to each other, except for stilted conversations that often deteriorate because I am so on edge my listening skills get even worse…. I think that I tend to panic in these cases and try to solve problems on my own – hence the car debacle I mentioned before.

I just feel at the moment all I am doing is digging a deeper and deeper hole and making things worse and worse without any change for the better – in general I am starting to feel somewhat desperate to say the least.

My wife is under severe stress what with medical condition, her unresolved issues with her family and my behaviour. I am worried about her condition and I have told her so, I am not sure if she believes me because everything I do seems to indicate otherwise. I understand what her condition is and I am doing my best to understand it better.

I fell very lost and lonely at the moment because the person I really love and need to speak to about all these things doesn’t feel like she can trust me and I can understand why. I need some sage advice as to what to do, how do I change my behaviour to stop all this hurt? How do I show that I really care? How do I stop being a bully and control freak? Where do I start? How do I start? How do I learn to really listen?

My wife is at the end of her tether, as am I and I am desparate to find a place to start.

Thanks for listening

[Perna]

Start by repeating everything your wife says to you, back to her to make sure you understand and have "heard" what she's said. Then maybe give a rundown of what you are planning to do to get it in your head too. Work to not go off script?

Why not suggest some marriage counseling and the two of you work on your communication with each other? I don't think you should be made to feel like a bull in a china shop, especially if you are well-meaning which it sounds like you are. Everyone makes mistakes but you shouldn't have to do anyone's discussing for them, especially with your in-law's, that's your wife's problem and if she doesn't like how you handle it then she has to handle it herself; no fair her being armchair quarterback and saying what you can and cannot say! She only has control over what she wants to say. I think it is too bad of her/others to put it all on you that you are the miscommunicator and problem maker.

Sincerely apologize to your wife, tell her how you feel and learn to zip your mouth about other people's problems. Practice listening instead of doing. Pretend you are strapped to a chair and your mouth can only repeat what is being said to you to make sure you understand what is being said, not to try to "fix" it (if it is someone else's problem) or even advise on it if you don't have your own similar problem and can tell your own story of how you dealt with it using "I" words (instead of "you should do. . . .")

[CJR520]

My husband and I are basically in you and your wife's shoes, too. I think a lot of it is age, my husband is having a hard time with getting older. We have been married for 31 years, so when I saw your post, I had to answer you. My husband has hurt me also, and all I really need is for him to talk to me, and tell me all is o.k., we are going to be o.k. Men don't talk to us! We need lots of hugs and support, rub her back, tell her no one else in the whole world means what she does to you. Talk to her and tell her your really deepest feelings. That is what we need, and usually don't get from our husbands! We had a party at our house, my husband was holding hands and dancing with a woman a lot younger, which he had never done in 31 years of marriage. I questioned him the next day to see if anything was going on with them as many signs pointed to that. He blew up in terrible anger, and it went on from there. It is so hard to regain trust, and although there was nothing physical, I know he had the thoughts. There were too many signs that I ignored because I was so happy with him, and just never thought about this. We had family troubles, too, with my side of the family, and now his parents are both gone a long time, and my parents are in failing health. I guess we all have our struggles, and I am doing my best to overcome this thing, too. The sad thing is, that once the trust is damaged, I think we have a long repair time ahead. Just thought maybe this would help you. Good Luck!!

[leatherman]

Perna & CJR520

Thanks for your posts - it helps to have different perspectives and new/different clues about the path ahead, long as it may be. It's a journey I want to stay on because I know it' s worth it.

Thank you again

[Doh2007]

A marriage counselor would help you learn to hear and understand. Have you tried that yet?

[SeptemberMorn]

My husband is exactly the same way! I can't figure him out! We've been married nearly 32 years and he's changed a little but not much. Now he simply says that if I want something done, to do it myself. I'm disabled and can't do all that I need, much less what I WANT. Triming the rose bushes is one of those things I can't do, at least not all the rosebushes since I'm in a wheelchair and can't reach the second row. It took me two weeks to get him out there with me and to get HIM to do the trimming at HIS OWN DISCRETION!

You say you go off on little daydreams? Maybe that's what he does. I've noticed that he gets worse at listening when he's under pressure about something. Sometimes it seems insignificant to me, but I know his emotions are different than mine.

Do you notice if you get worse at not listening when you're under pressure? That may be a key to unlock this thing.

Of course, marriage counseling is the best way to go. At least your wife could see some proof of you not liking what's going on and you trying to do something to change it. It would be good for her, too, to be able to talk to someone about what's going on.

Good luck, not-so-Leatherman. At least you know your marriage is being hurt and you want to change that. Kudos to you!

[curley]

Well, I think you have a good attitude that is for sure. You are admitting the problem and willing to try and fix things. Another member sugessted you repeat what your wife says or at least what you feel she means. That would be a good start. I also think marriage counseling would be a healthy thing to do. Your marriage has suffered many hurts and an outsider would probably have some good solutions. There are many cities that have public health offices that offer those services. And there are many counselors that have pay scales if you do not have the finances for it.
I am glad you understand the circumstances or situations that have caused so much hurt. i would not go into therapy or any type of counseling thinking that you are going to take care of this overnight. There have been problems for many years and it will not be a quick fix. So please have patience. Listen to what is said and when you make a decision with your wife regarding what to say or what to do, stick by it. Keep your mind on that road and dont turn left or right. Your wife needs to believe that she is number one to you and that you will be there for her first! My prayers are with you Leatherman!

[Ocean13]

LEATHERMAN-

I agree with everyone that you and your wife should seek marriage counseling. It's hard to know how to relate to each other when you both come from families where they relate by 'hurting' other people without any concern for their actions and the harm they are really doing.

It's also not surprising that you two may lose sight of all the love and plans you've had together with all the crazy stuff going on.

It sounds like you're really good at putting up walls where someone's words can bounce off of you and you can walk away doing whatever you want to do, without any consideration for anyone else. This can escalate and getting help is a good idea.

These actions are seen by the children. They aren't blind. Children see, hear, and learn from your every action,word, emotion, etc. This is something they will believe to be the 'right way'. They too one day may have relationships much like you. You can help them. You can help them learn the correct way to handle things. Before it can harm them or your grandchildren one day.

Best Of Luck***

OcEaN