[champion]

Some of yo may know this thread http://forums.psychcentral.com/showf...t=8#Post726800

well, after about 2 years it is no more. As it turns out I feel like I was become manipulative and controlling and nothing she did was good enough. Also, I frankly did not feel as into it as she did and i dont think I am ready to talk about marriage and kids and moving in...etc. So, rather than make it worse for both of us years from now, it is over for good now.

As far as how I feel, I know I dont want to go back but man is it cold to be alone. I have to be independent now, which I value highly, and i was so dependent before. What is the best way to move on and be ok?

[salukigirl]

first of all... i know your other post and im very happy you decided to end it because you didnt sound like you were that into it.

second of all... its different for everyone. dependency is not love. love is being independent and deciding to be together still. get what i mean? dependency tears down both parties and it takes a lot to get past it. if you think that you were dependent and controlling you might look into seeing a therapist for that because chances are it wont change when your girlfriends do.

personally, i would stay single for a while until you feel okay in your independence. i always jumped back and forth between boyfriends and was never single for more than a week for about 2-3 years straight. then in september of 2005 i decided to just date around and not get into anything commited and i felt soooo much better. i felt like i wasnt myself if i was single and being single for several months straight and doing what i want was exactly what i needed. then i met my current boyfriend like 4 months later and weve been together for over 2 years and im not so clingy anymore. take some time for yourself good luck.

[SeptemberMorn]

Champion, I'm sorry that you're gonna have a rough go of it for a while. Concentrate on regaining your independence and you'll be okay.

In the meantime, I'm gonna have my hubby read this thread and your former one. Maybe he'll get a clue.

Thanks for having the courage to put your feelings out there and even more, for letting us know what you decided and why.

[AlteredState01]

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Thanks for having the courage to put your feelings out there and even more, for letting us know what you decided and why.

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This has been a very emotional thread to follow.

[AAAAA]

I'm sure that things worked out for the best. I wish you luck and happiness in the future.

[champion]

Ugh. Im glad I have a few good friends this weekend. It would have been worse without them. I think I personally have an issue with feeling like I am being left outor that nobody cares....so to see her moving on, eventually being with other people, having sex with them, hugging, etc. is really hard to fathom.

I know I made the right choice, and I know I dont want to go back....I guess I just wish it didnt sting so bad. Is it feasible to be friends again at some point? She was my best friend. How long do you wait?

I just wanted to add that Im pretty sure I love her, but I know it wouldnt work. This is probably one of the worst feelings though....ive felt like I was going to vomit since we broke up. Im just really trying my best to not call/see her. That would kill me more.

Should I confront the feelings or just try and forget her altogether?

Champion.... only you really know the right answer to that. Listen to your heart and be honest with yourself about why you want to maintain a friendship. If your reasons are honourable then she may be open to hearing from you again and growing your friendship.

I don't think its ever a good idea to stuff feelings. You need to confront them and be honest with yourself about them. It doesn't mean you will have any kind of relationship with your ex again but you do need to find the closure you need to let it all go.

If you can have a healthy and honest friendship than that would be great but if you can't then leaving her be might be the kindest thing you can do for yourself and for her.

Keep your intentions honourable and you will find the answers you seek. Give it all some time to ensure you are not reacting to the loose of a habit, a routine in your life or some need unrelated to your friendship but caused by a new lonliness. Let the lonliness pass before reaching out to reframe a friendship. That would be my advice but I'm not expert. Just someone who cares about you Champion.

Wishing you wellness and clarity in the days and weeks to come. Make the extra effort to spend time with family or friends with whom you have a special bond. Feed your need for comforting and unconditional, uncomplicated loving relationships. They will nurture you through these troubling times.

Take care........

[champion]

Thanks so much for the kind words. I had a long talk with her today, I think we will remain friends. It is lonely now. Very much, and i expected it. Im curious though, is that normal. Let me explain. I was told by a wise person to be happy with yourself first, a relationship then enhances your life....meaning you dont get into one just to make yourself happy.

So my question then becomes, can one be happy and lonely? How could you not be lonely if you dont have the girl there to satisfy those few needs, you can love yourself but dont you need it from a partner too?

I'm glad you are able to maintain a friendship. That's always nice. It leaves the future open to new possibilities.

Lonely is a pretty unhappy place so I'm not sure you can be happy and lonely.

But I do know that one can be happy and alone. Without a significant other in their life one can know happiness and feel fullfilled with their life. I happen to think it is good for people to experience time on their own. I think there is much to be gained from learning how to live a full and satisfying life without a partner. I've spent most of my life without a partner and while I've been alone most of my adolescent and adult life I've seldom felt lonely. The only time I remember feeling lonely was after the two significant romantic breakups in my life. Those few months right after were very difficult. I feel for your pain right now.

Aside from the emotions involved we are creatures of habit and a breakup of a relationship throws all of our habits out of kilter. It takes time to adjust to all the changes. The loneliness is magnified by how unfamiliar everything suddenly has become. That's when other friends and family need to be called upon to help fill the emptiness for a while. The key is to not get caught by the sadness of what has been lost but to surround yourself with the blessing of what you still have, what hasn't changed. It might be work. It might be friends and family. It might be a hobby you've put off exploring. Now is the time to embrass the opportunities of the change so that you don't get caught in the sorrow of the loss.

Sure there are biological and lusty needs and interests that sexual partnerships satisfy but I'm not talking about those needs. They can be put aside for a time or satisfied in other ways without entering into long term life partnership commitments.

The time will come when you are ready again to find a life partner. Unless you want a rebound relationship to escape your lonliness you are wise to turn the focus on your inner self for a while. Take some time with yourself to explore your hopes and dreams and realign your goals and plans. Its time to reconnect with your inner child and identify again with your life's vision. Its a time when you can get to know you a little more and set your course in the direction you want to take it.

Enjoy your alone time. Socialize with groups of friends and meet new people when you get the chance. It's really quite a wonderful gift if you can see it that way. That special lady will come into your life when you least expect it and when you are most ready to go the distance.

Rest for now. Accept that there will be sadness but soon the clouds will shift and the rainbow of happiness will mark your path once again.