[frommars]

even though he did something awful to me, i still wish that we could be together a lot. and i think of him tons. even though i’m afraid of him.

i have finally stopped checking my phone for his notification in the morning, which is progress i guess.

he probably does not think of me at all.

[Have Hope]

It sounds like it was an abusive relationship that you got rid of, but you're still dealing with the attachment issues, which is called "trauma bond". So you are still trauma bonded with your abuser. Do you have a therapist? Therapy will be necessary to help you break that attachment you feel and also break the habit of wanting to know if he is thinking of you. Please read up on trauma bonding - it should help you to better understand WHY you're feeling this way towards someone who hurts you.

[sarahsweets]

Are you in therapy, and have you blocked his information and social media?

Originally Posted by frommars

even though he did something awful to me, i still wish that we could be together a lot. and i think of him tons. even though i’m afraid of him.

i have finally stopped checking my phone for his notification in the morning, which is progress i guess.

he probably does not think of me at all.

[frommars]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

It sounds like it was an abusive relationship that you got rid of, but you're still dealing with the attachment issues, which is called "trauma bond". So you are still trauma bonded with your abuser. Do you have a therapist? Therapy will be necessary to help you break that attachment you feel and also break the habit of wanting to know if he is thinking of you. Please read up on trauma bonding - it should help you to better understand WHY you're feeling this way towards someone who hurts you.

i’ve heard of that and it sounds about right. i want to see a therapist really badly but i can’t afford it right now so idk what to do

[frommars]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Are you in therapy, and have you blocked his information and social media?

no i’m not but i’d like to be, he doesn’t have social media but i haven’t blocked his number. but i doubt he’ll contact me ever.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by frommars

no i’m not but i’d like to be, he doesn’t have social media but i haven’t blocked his number. but i doubt he’ll contact me ever.

Hey @frommars I don’t know if you live in the city or New York state but I was looking for resources and found this.

NYC Well – Talk. Text. Chat. 24/7

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Have Hope]

You have to challenge your own thinking and desires: WHY would you want someone to contact you when you’re afraid of them and when they’ve hurt you terribly? The real truth is that this person is bad for you and toxic to you- why would you put your hand on a lit burner? You wouldn’t right? It’s the same thing.

[RollercoasterLover]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

You have to challenge your own thinking and desires: WHY would you want someone to contact you when you’re afraid of them and when they’ve hurt you terribly? The real truth is that this person is bad for you and toxic to you- why would you put your hand on a lit burner? You wouldn’t right? It’s the same thing.

^^^^this. Times 100.

Abuse is a cycle. Our brain chemistry betrays us when trauma bonds exist. We have to train our brains to not be rewarded by the bits of "good" that linger. The reward of an apology, a promise, attention and intimacy is temporary.

In my experience, in those times when I couldn't afford therapy but needed support as I was retraining my thought processes and breaking my own cycle of abuse, I substituted therapy with al anon meetings. These free meetings gave me support and many times, got me through rough patches in refocusing my energy and retraining my thought process.

[Bill3]

You can get free support at this listening line, for example:

Caring Contact | An award-winning caring and crisis hotline

[Fuzzybear]

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by RollercoasterLover

^^^^this. Times 100.

Abuse is a cycle. Our brain chemistry betrays us when trauma bonds exist. We have to train our brains to not be rewarded by the bits of "good" that linger. The reward of an apology, a promise, attention and intimacy is temporary.

In my experience, in those times when I couldn't afford therapy but needed support as I was retraining my thought processes and breaking my own cycle of abuse, I substituted therapy with al anon meetings. These free meetings gave me support and many times, got me through rough patches in refocusing my energy and retraining my thought process.

Definitely and 100%.

What I've done in the past which REALLY helped was I joined abuse survivors women's facebook groups - these are free peer support forums specifically for abuse. That's where I first learned all about the trauma bond. Women can support one another and strengthen one another through the leaving and grieving process. These women frequently would offer online resources to help as well. I highly recommend seeking other help since you (OP) say you cannot afford therapy.

[AzulOscuro]

Since visiting a therapist seems not plausible, it’s very important, along with blocking his number phone (you don’t really need of that $hit more), looking for support on friends and other loved people is very helpful. Very important that you can talk to a person you trust and telling her/him what you are trying to do, that is, zero contact. They can help you to stay strong because I guess it’s not easy what you are going through. Trying to meet other people to hang in with is also a good idea so you will see there are people who you can have healthy relations with.
Coming here to say how you are feeling or writing down on a journal each time you think of him and want to contact him or that he contacts you.