BFF Disrespecting Me and My Boundaries

I have a friend I've known for over ten years. We are long distance friends. A couple years ago she and I had a serious conflict about disrespecting me and my boundaries, and now she is falling into the same pattern.

For the past three months, she ignores my calls and texts for days at a time and sometimes for a week at a time. And then, she'll call and call incessantly even if I tell her more than once it's not a good time to call because I'm busy or in the middle of something or working.

And she blows up my phone with multiple texts at a time. That's a problem she's always had and it drives me nuts. When she wants to text me she'll send five or seven one line texts in a row, so no matter where I am or what I'm doing it's bing-bing-bing-bing-bing-bing-bing.

And now she's getting into the habit of only calling me when she has nothing better to do AND THEN she'll have nothing to say, or sound bored or annoyed with me before the conversation even starts, or she'll start singing and humming on the phone. I don't like feeling like I'm the person you call when no one else is available, and I don't like feeling like I'm here to entertain her when she's bored.

And what I really hate is that for almost every phone call, especially when she first calls me, she puts me on hold for a minute, for several times in each phone call, and often times she'll say "I gotta go" and hang up on me. It is really disrespectful when I do want to talk or when she calls me and hangs up on me or puts me on hold. Or when she calls me while having a conversation with someone in the room with her. It's rude.

I don't want to end the friendship, but I want to take a break from her until she relearns the boundaries. I have the blessing of the "no phones allowed" rule at work, but I should be able to go about my day and not feel constantly harrassed or have my boundaries crossed. I don't want a million texts or calls every day when it's inconvenient for me, and I shouldn't have to put my phone on DND when I have other people in my life I'd like to hear from or if I'm expecting calls from work or businesses. And like I said, I'll tell her when I'm busy and when I'm ready to talk, but she'll still call and text and then I get no response from her when I call or text--she'll simply ignore me.

What should I do? How should I handle this? I'm really upset by her behavior especially when she's crossed my boundaries before. I don't know what to say to her.

Thats not boundaries, thats just rude and or nuts. Or under the influence.

I mean, she returns your call or text when shes able. But when she does, she should be available! Wth is that, putting you on hold?

I just heard from someone after two years. She was rude to me last time i called, so i never called back. We literally did not communicate since the beginning of the pandemic. She called to wish me a hapy birthday. We had a nice talk. She asked me to call sometime.

Maybe this is one of those, "if you love something, let it go" deals.

I mean after all of this what would be left? Has she been there for you like a BFF would?

Quote:

Originally Posted by LiteraryLark I have a friend I've known for over ten years. We are long distance friends. A couple years ago she and I had a serious conflict about disrespecting me and my boundaries, and now she is falling into the same pattern. For the past three months, she ignores my calls and texts for days at a time and sometimes for a week at a time. And then, she'll call and call incessantly even if I tell her more than once it's not a good time to call because I'm busy or in the middle of something or working. And she blows up my phone with multiple texts at a time. That's a problem she's always had and it drives me nuts. When she wants to text me she'll send five or seven one line texts in a row, so no matter where I am or what I'm doing it's bing-bing-bing-bing-bing-bing-bing. And now she's getting into the habit of only calling me when she has nothing better to do AND THEN she'll have nothing to say, or sound bored or annoyed with me before the conversation even starts, or she'll start singing and humming on the phone. I don't like feeling like I'm the person you call when no one else is available, and I don't like feeling like I'm here to entertain her when she's bored. And what I really hate is that for almost every phone call, especially when she first calls me, she puts me on hold for a minute, for several times in each phone call, and often times she'll say "I gotta go" and hang up on me. It is really disrespectful when I do want to talk or when she calls me and hangs up on me or puts me on hold. Or when she calls me while having a conversation with someone in the room with her. It's rude. I don't want to end the friendship, but I want to take a break from her until she relearns the boundaries. I have the blessing of the "no phones allowed" rule at work, but I should be able to go about my day and not feel constantly harrassed or have my boundaries crossed. I don't want a million texts or calls every day when it's inconvenient for me, and I shouldn't have to put my phone on DND when I have other people in my life I'd like to hear from or if I'm expecting calls from work or businesses. And like I said, I'll tell her when I'm busy and when I'm ready to talk, but she'll still call and text and then I get no response from her when I call or text--she'll simply ignore me. What should I do? How should I handle this? I'm really upset by her behavior especially when she's crossed my boundaries before. I don't know what to say to her.

I don’t get the “BFF” reference. This is no BFF.

We weren't always long distance: we grew up together, went to three different schools together, and would hang out every day until I moved to another state. She flew up to visit once and I drove down to visit once, and we plan on visiting again.

We used to be in a great rhythm with our calls and texts, but then college and work got in the way--now we have opposite schedules and have different demands in our lives. The big issue is trying to call at the right time...But then, it loops back to what I mention in the OP.

I suppose I should have said in the beginning we've only been long distance for only a few years, and she and I send each other little gifts all the time and she's been a terrific supporter in my life, but a couple years ago we had a similar conflict but we resolved it and made a change for the better, and now she's falling under a similar pattern and I am overwhelmed.

Can I ask, did she say or indicate it like that? That she only calls you when she has nothing better to do or has no one else to call.

What kind of circumstances is she in, what's she doing, who else is she talking to when she does all this? Specifics would help understand what's going on in her life or what makes her treat you like this. Not that it would be any excuse for it.

She tells me quite often she's called everyone and no one else answered, or like I said, she'll start shouting "blah, blah, blah, I'm bored" or when I answer and say hey she'll go "Yeeeeppp" when she hears a lull in the conversation, or she'll start singing.

I see. Sorry, while you were responding, I added another thing to my post above.

She finished her last semester of college and started a new job.

And in that same time frame I lost all my belongings in a house fire, left a toxic work environment, found a new job, suffered a loss of my cat, and found a new home.

Sorry, but this friend of yours is rude and obnoxious. I wouldn't want to be friends anymore with someone like this.

Since she's been doing this for about three months, I would be like, yeah take a break, but not end the whole relationship if most of it has been/used to be close like you describe.

After taking that break, you two may be in a better place to figure out what made the relationship to fall into this same pattern again and how to avoid it in future.

That's my intention of this post. Its not a matter of whether I want to keep the friendship, it's how I go about talking to her about taking a break and reinstating boundaries.

I would just be direct in saying this, but that's me. Do you know where your hangup is with how to go talk about it? Are you afraid of offending or hurting her, or afraid of her attacking you, or something else?

I'm afraid of hurting her feelings and her not respecting my request for taking a break or her repeating the behavior

She is very sensitive to confrontation. She talks often of her boyfriend not being sensitive to her feelings.

Lark, you said you had the same problem a few years ago but it got resolved. What would happen if you said you noticed your communication was slipping back into patterns that caused trouble before, then suggest you would like to fix things.

How did you guys solve it last time? I like Lizardlady's suggestion too. What do you think though, LL?

You sound like a friend who cares. When I'm angry with someone, a friend, for instance, but also care about the relationship, I feel the same way - trying to find a way to express my feelings and concerns to them in a way that won't be full of my anger. What about...doing the opposite? So like when you talk to her, say it with gentleness, and telling her you value her friendship a lot, and then asking for what you would like from her. Its important to you and your needs are valid. I think its also natural in long term friendships, relationships, etc, to have conflict. I think its awesome that you are looking for a healthy and kind way to approach this.

Her and I are both caring friends...and neither of us are good at confrontation. Last time I brought it up to her I was not in a good place and told her I'm really upset by her actions and listed the things she has been doing and gave her a timeline of how long I needed a break. It turned into a fight and she put it back on me of how annoying I was and how I'm the rude one...we gave it a week and she and I calmed down and we both apologized and we told each other we will work on respecting each other more.

I like LL's suggestion as well as yours. Last time there was another factor that I won't discuss but I think gentle honesty is the way to go.

Also you could try using the "I" statements. Like instead of just full on blaming the other party, you could be like "I feel frustrated when you..." I don't particularly know if it's healthy to *hide* that stuff from a friend, like how their actions make you feel, unless you think it will trigger her.

I think I statements would go over really well. She and I are the kind of people who blames ourselves as also at fault even if the other person is in the wrong...so if I were to use I statements and even say, yes, I know I do the same thing too, it would hurt her less than to come off as she is the only one making these mistakes...

So I think the next time she texts or calls me I'll say something like, "Hey, friend, I've been going through a lot and I need some space. I feel really overwhelmed with the move and things going on at work, and I know we have opposite schedules but when you call it's been at really inconvenient times and I know we can't always help that but sometimes I just want time to myself without being on my phone. Lately when my phone goes off it gives me such bad anxiety and I just need to chill for a while until I'm in a better place. I'll let you know when I'm ready to have girl talk again but maybe for the next month I just want things to be low key."

Thank you so much for your help!

All this is just my thoughts ofcourse. So...

You can do a "soft startup" to avoid hurting her feelings. But IMO do not do that at the expense of expressing what your issue is. Sortof more like providing the message inside a "s**t sandwich" instead of being all nice and pleasing or placating in your entire message.

If she hears you but then she doesn't respect your request afterwards or plain forgets to keep it in mind consistently enough, you can introduce natural and reasonable consequences for it. Nothing like threatening to the overall relationship though, just simply to reinforce your boundaries around these things.

Like, if she calls at a time that she's been told is not okay for you, just do not take the call. Since at this point you've already informed her that it's not okay and that you are not going to be able to take such calls, and that you are only able to take calls at x or y times. She will then learn from consequences if she forgets this message at first.

If she is unwilling to try and hear you in the first place, I would simply take a break from the relationship for a long enough time (only you know what's long enough for you), without discussing it further, let alone asking for her permission for it. Informing her in another "s**t sandwich" that you are not going to be available for a few months.

Then when you feel ready later, you can try discussing the problem afterwards when you both are in a good place to talk it over.

Sorry, I didn't see this before writing my suggestions.

I think and agree that that sounds great as a message, but one thing is, I would remove the "maybe" from it at the end.

That is, "For the next month I want/would like/need things to be low key", without the "maybe".

Additionally, I would remove the "sometimes" too from "sometimes just wanting time to myself without being on my phone".

I would instead say something like, "as things are now, I need a lot more time to myself without being on the phone".

I say this because your initial OP sounded like you were getting exhausted by all the stuff, by her not hearing you at all, and so on.

Of course, up to you to decide if these suggestions make sense.