[indigo1015]

I’ve been seeing this guy lately, and something about the relationship just doesn’t feel right. He’s a great guy— very sweet, smart, talented, interesting, and we share a lot of interests. I haven’t been in a real, serious relationship for a few years; I’m most familiar with fwb relationships. For most of my dating life, those have been my jam. And now this great guy comes into my life, and I have no idea if I’m relationship material. We had sex for the first time last week on our second date— it wasn’t great. It kind of made me cringe. Great sex is pretty important to me, so this was a bit disappointing. Also, I’ve realized that I’m not really a cuddler— I like a lot of strong, intense lovin’ and then I need my space. He’s very affectionate and likes to cuddle, but like I said, the sex sucked. It was weak and lukewarm and just not that impressive. It’s just another thing that’s making me have second thoughts about this. He wants to get together again, but I just don’t know. It would be cruel to lead him on if I don’t feel anything for him, but maybe should I give him another chance? Maybe he was just nervous last time. Am I the right person for him? I feel like such a ***** saying all this, but I just don’t know. Where would we head from here in a relationship? I’ve come to realize I will always need my own place— I need a sanctuary to retreat to that is mine and mine alone, so that eliminates marriage and/or living together. All my friends are either single, in a relationship to the point where they’re already living together, or married— I don’t know anyone with a more unconventional relationship. I wish I knew what I wanted and what I should do. I don’t want to hurt him or anything. I just don’t know what to do.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Yaowen]

Wish I knew what to say that would be really helpful, but I am at a loss. Sometimes time itself helps when one is confused as though it has a settling effect on the mind. But I know that time doesn't solve all problems. I sure hope you find what really works for you and makes you happy!

[Bill3]

He can be both a great guy and also a guy who does not work for you.

[Etcetera1]

Originally Posted by indigo1015

I’ve been seeing this guy lately, and something about the relationship just doesn’t feel right. He’s a great guy— very sweet, smart, talented, interesting, and we share a lot of interests. I haven’t been in a real, serious relationship for a few years; I’m most familiar with fwb relationships. For most of my dating life, those have been my jam. And now this great guy comes into my life, and I have no idea if I’m relationship material. We had sex for the first time last week on our second date— it wasn’t great. It kind of made me cringe. Great sex is pretty important to me, so this was a bit disappointing. Also, I’ve realized that I’m not really a cuddler— I like a lot of strong, intense lovin’ and then I need my space. He’s very affectionate and likes to cuddle, but like I said, the sex sucked. It was weak and lukewarm and just not that impressive. It’s just another thing that’s making me have second thoughts about this. He wants to get together again, but I just don’t know. It would be cruel to lead him on if I don’t feel anything for him, but maybe should I give him another chance? Maybe he was just nervous last time. Am I the right person for him? I feel like such a ***** saying all this, but I just don’t know. Where would we head from here in a relationship? I’ve come to realize I will always need my own place— I need a sanctuary to retreat to that is mine and mine alone, so that eliminates marriage and/or living together. All my friends are either single, in a relationship to the point where they’re already living together, or married— I don’t know anyone with a more unconventional relationship. I wish I knew what I wanted and what I should do. I don’t want to hurt him or anything. I just don’t know what to do.

That was a really honest post. Thank you for that, it had me thinking.

I do not really understand what this sanctuary is supposed to be like in practice, like if you mean you need a whole apartment/condo to yourself rather than just one room that has a proper lock on the door, or what is it that makes marriage or living together impossible.

But if it's true, if it's really like that for you, you need to inform him of this as soon as possible. That only a looser type of relationship stuff works for you, a type of relationship where you two will never live together, that you are not looking to be in a relationship with a long-term future of ever possibly living together, that any type of commitment like that is not for you.

That you are instead looking for some very unconventional thing - and that's OK and fine - and then if he's still open to that, then you two can discuss the terms of it, and it may be that at some point he would find it's not for him. That's totally OK and fine too.

[indigo1015]

Originally Posted by Bill3

He can be both a great guy and also a guy who does not work for you.

Thank you… he is definitely a great guy.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[divine1966]

I need a lot of space and mostly liked to be single. I am married now though and I still need way more space than my husband, but I let him know that as soon as we got serous, he already figured it early on anyways. I need space. That’s ok. We compromise.

There’s one more thing to think about. Sex is important, however often times the most intense sex people have with very wrong partners. Too late at night to go into a psychology of it but there’s truth to it.

As about cuddling, I’d not cuddle someone I’ve met twice. I am not surprised you didn’t want to cuddle on a second dare. It’s awkward. You don’t know him, not in love, not even deep kind of friendship. You aren’t feeling nothing for him, well why would you? Of course initial attraction has to be there. I assume there was but other than that he is a stranger

Having said that, this guy might be all wrong for you. Often when you know, you know. If you feel it’s all wrong, then why bother. Life is too short for wrong people

[Pinny]

I just wanted to say I hope you decide what to do and it works out for the best. I defo agree with @Bill3 just because hes a great guy doesnt mean that hes right for you!

[indigo1015]

Thanks everyone for the insight and also for not judging— I was a little worried, but I appreciate all the comments and advice Ive gotten so far. I checked in with him tonight because I got invited by another guy to a coffee date and I wasn’t sure where he thought we were at in getting to know each other. Good thing I did, because he has thought we were exclusive at this point; I personally do not feel two dates is enough exposure for me to be exclusive with anyone. But I know he’s had some pretty awful experiences with being cheated on, and regardless, I have zero tolerance for cheating anyway. He appreciated me asking and making sure we’re on the same page. So we are not exclusive yet. We’re just two people getting to know each other.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[divine1966]

No two dates aren’t enough at all.

There’s nothing wrong with dating multiple people and not being exclusive but I’d be careful about being physically intimate with any or all of them. Of course if you use protection you might be safe but I don’t know if anything is 100% guarantee.

Sex means exclusivety for some but not for all. I’d just be careful. If these men are also not exclusive it could get dangerous even with protection, things happen. Not just a danger of STD and particularly HIV, but the person could be simply dangerous, you don’t know him. You have no ways to know what kind of stuff strangers might be into. Its a high price to pay for a little bit of fun.

Other than that non exclusive dating is just fine. No need to commit to anyone until you know

[indigo1015]

So here's the latest update-- I thought he was fine with it, but a few mornings later I wake up to a string of texts from him that were horribly spelled and made wild and unfair assumptions about me. I asked him if he was high, and he said, "maybe." I must admit I wasn't as empathetic as I should have been, mainly because it was early in the morning and I hadn't had enough coffee yet. For ****'s sake, I just went out on a coffee date-- and I was upfront with him before I even accepted the invitation. I really feel like this is not going to work-- I know he's had a bad series of experiences with cheating, but I am not cheating on him. And no matter how many times we've been over this since then, he still implies that he sees us as a couple. For example, we are going out tonight to celebrate my birthday, which was on Tuesday-- I told him I just wanted to meet at the restaurant instead of at his place first, and he paused and asked, "Are you breaking up with me?!" in this accusatory tone. I had to remind him there was no breaking up to be had since we had only been on two dates, which is not enough for me to determine whether or not I want to be in a relationship with someone. Then he acted like everything was fine. I'm sorry, but I don't see this working out.

[divine1966]

I think you two are not in the same page.

Honestly it’s wise to discuss exclusivity before sex to avoid confusion and misunderstanding. I think he assumed you two are exclusively dating because you slept together and he is hurt you are dating others. Of course it’s unwise of him to not discuss all this before sleeping with you.

This all started on a wrong foot. I’d give it another chance and go on another date but it doesn’t sound promising

Also if he gets high (or drunk) and sends texts he might not be a healthy relationship prospect.

[Bill3]

And no matter how many times we've been over this since then, he still implies that he sees us as a couple.

It is a very poor sign that he has been utterly unwilling to accept your perspective on something as basic and personal as the status of the relationship. How willing to listen is he going to be day-to-day in the many negotiations that come up in the course of a relationship?

[indigo1015]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I think you two are not in the same page.

Honestly it’s wise to discuss exclusivity before sex to avoid confusion and misunderstanding. I think he assumed you two are exclusively dating because you slept together and he is hurt you are dating others. Of course it’s unwise of him to not discuss all this before sleeping with you.

This all started on a wrong foot. I’d give it another chance and go on another date but it doesn’t sound promising

Also if he gets high (or drunk) and sends texts he might not be a healthy relationship prospect.

In all fairness, I probably should’ve discussed exclusivity before banging him, as you said. So I am partly to blame. What really bothers me though is that I’ve made it clear multiple times that we are still in the getting-to-know-each-other phase as far as I’m concerned; I’m not comfortable declaring myself in a relationship after only two dates. We’ve been over this many times at this point. And I won’t lie, the getting high aspect is also really bothering me.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[RoxanneToto]

I think given how he’s responded to you, it would be wise to drop him. He sounds possessive, at best. I’m not saying it’s definitely the case, but I wouldn’t be surprised if these bad experiences he’s had are because of how he is - his expectations and demands (and who knows what other behaviour you haven’t witnessed) scaring people off, but he might not be willing to admit that. Maybe it was even him who cheated - people who cheat often do accuse others of doing it to them.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by indigo1015

In all fairness, I probably should’ve discussed exclusivity before banging him, as you said. So I am partly to blame. What really bothers me though is that I’ve made it clear multiple times that we are still in the getting-to-know-each-other phase as far as I’m concerned; I’m not comfortable declaring myself in a relationship after only two dates. We’ve been over this many times at this point. And I won’t lie, the getting high aspect is also really bothering me.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Two dates is not enough for declaring anything let alone a relationship. Why is he in such a hurry!

I don’t want to pass judgments as many people partake in various substances, especially since it’s legal, and it’s ok for them to do so, but personally I’d not date pot smokers and I was in a relationship with alcoholic. Never again.

I think you might be better off without this guy.

[indigo1015]

I texted him yesterday telling him I don’t think we are a good fit— he didn’t get back to me until several hours later saying, “OK, your loss…” I could’ve responded in kind to that, telling him that if we’re talking about guys who don’t listen, who don’t acknowledge my wishes, who are super paranoid and clingy, who have a **** the size of a toothpick and whose erections are like weak little puddles, then I think I’m better off. But truth be told, I just don’t want to talk to him anymore. So I blocked him and let it be.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by indigo1015

So here's the latest update-- I thought he was fine with it, but a few mornings later I wake up to a string of texts from him that were horribly spelled and made wild and unfair assumptions about me. I asked him if he was high, and he said, "maybe." I must admit I wasn't as empathetic as I should have been, mainly because it was early in the morning and I hadn't had enough coffee yet. For ****'s sake, I just went out on a coffee date-- and I was upfront with him before I even accepted the invitation. I really feel like this is not going to work-- I know he's had a bad series of experiences with cheating, but I am not cheating on him. And no matter how many times we've been over this since then, he still implies that he sees us as a couple. For example, we are going out tonight to celebrate my birthday, which was on Tuesday-- I told him I just wanted to meet at the restaurant instead of at his place first, and he paused and asked, "Are you breaking up with me?!" in this accusatory tone. I had to remind him there was no breaking up to be had since we had only been on two dates, which is not enough for me to determine whether or not I want to be in a relationship with someone. Then he acted like everything was fine. I'm sorry, but I don't see this working out.

Too many red flags here. He considers you as a couple after only two dates? Red flag. He's acting possessive after only two dates? Red flag. A series of harassment texts? Red flag number 3. And texting you while high or under the influence early in the morning? Red flag number 4! Run!

[Rive.]

Maybe give more time for a relationship to develop or for getting to know the other person. This guy clearly got the wrong idea when you slept together on the second date. PLUS he seems to have some 'issues'.

Getting to know someone better, and building intimacy first, would be a way to avoid a repeat of such a scenario & might even make the sex better.

[Etcetera1]

I think sex on the second date on its own isn't necessarily a problem. What my suggestion would be to OP: inform the guy before the sex takes place that you're not looking for a conventional relationship, and that living together later or marriage are not options for you.

[hvert]

This is a good reminder to trust our intuition! You knew it wasn't going to work for you even if it took a while to see exactly why.