What to say to a friend?

I have been friends with someone for many years, he’s a good friend, a good person, but he has issues with his self esteem IMO.

He has quite a lot of friends, several very close ones, one friend particularly close, who he has known many years (much longer than I’ve known him), it’s not a romantic thing, but she’s a woman.

Over the years I’ve been concerned about some of the things he’s told me about how she speaks to him. I know it’s none of my business but it worries me that she often says harsh things to him and takes out her anger on him it seems. I know we all have our moments but this friend seems to direct a lot of hers at him.

Like I say I know it’s not really my business but there are times when it seems like it affects his well-being and stresses him.

If it were a romantic relationship I would think it was abusive (verbally) and certainly if the sexes were reversed I’d probably say something to a female friend if a man was talking to her that way. I don’t think it’s acceptable for a woman to talk to a man like that either but I think me being a woman too complicates my own thoughts about whether I should say something or not.

I suppose deep down I’m aware he’s very fond of this friend (she has a history of abuse done to her which he feels explains her behaviour) and I know I need to tread very carefully in what I say.

I’d appreciate any thoughts about what to say not to say to my friend about my concerns, recently he has seemed sad about the way she has spoken to him.

"I respect you've been friends for a long time and that you value her friendship, but it's not okay to talk to someone like the way she talks to you." I think the fact that you're a woman could be an asset because she is also a woman.

I am not sure why she is saying harsh things (do you know her?)--IMO, some people (there are other reasons too but this is one I've experienced) have angry outbursts because they are upset within (it might not be about others but they are unhappy). I am getting better at not reacting to this--that I would feel like I needed to say something back to a person when they have an outburst would make them even more upset--sometimes the best thing to do can be nothing but listen and to take time out from the person when it gets to be too much (when able).

No she’s not a mutual friend at all, I think from what he says that he believes that he is one of the few men she trusts and this is why she expresses anger readily towards him - because she feels safe. It’s complex. I sort of understand it but my friend has been stressed and unhappy recently and I don’t like seeing that. He’s had health problems and needs to take care of himself.

I have always listened and not passed judgement when he’s spoken about it but I’m finding it harder to stay neutral recently. I do understand she has issues but I also think she should be more considerate of him.

I feel like this is not your problem or responsibility. It's his life for him to live as he sees fit. So if you want to say anything, you would want to just express your opinion and feeling about it all and not try to "fix" anything about the situation.

So like, you can say you feel concerned about it as you don't think it's an okay treatment of him, but I don't think you can say much more than that. If he talks to you too much about this problem, you can limit the time to listen to it if it feels too much like aimless complaining that just gets you very concerned without being able to do anything about it.

I'm not sure how to help with this, I'm sending hugs

Yes, I would tread very carefully.

You don't really know what is going on inside this relationship - because you are on the outside. They have a history, he has known her longer than you, he is a grown adult able to make his own decisions and he is choosing to keep his friendship with her. AND he is *not* asking for your advice

I would suggest not interfering in their relationship & for you to stay out of their business.

I would not say anything critical about her or how she treats him. Criticism of her can be felt as criticism of him and/or make him defensive of her.

I would comment on his feelings. "You seem sad today." "I've noticed you've been down a lot this week". And then listen. Maybe he will talk about her, maybe he won't. If he doesn't, so be it. You could try again another time.

If he does talk about her, continue to avoid criticizing her or how she treats him. Keep your focus on how he feels. "It sounds like it really hurts when she says that." Don't offer solutions. If he explicitly asks what you think he should do, ask what the options are, and what are pros and cons of them.

If he starts to talk about her, that's great, but don't expect a solution and action right away. It usually takes time for people to get ready to change. Your unbiased listening will help him, whether or not he decides to make a change.

Don't be committed to him making a change; do be committed to listening to him if/when he chooses to speak.

I agree, this is what I would do. Or try to....

I like Bill's post too. I would say though, I think its okay to give an opinion or advice if its requested by your friend. I think its also best to ask him if he wants your opinion / advice first, before giving it. And if it does upset him, consider not doing it in the future. I like etcetera's post too. You are not responsible to fix this, and can't. I think just being a caring friend and listening works too. But if you are sick of listening, know its not your job to listen, and you can find a way to tell him its upsetting / draining and you don't think you can listen as much. Though it doesn't sound like this is the issue. If you've already said something and worry it was harmful or just not the right thing, check in with him / apologize, etc. But we are all human. We don't come with a communication book in hand - so don't beat yourself up.

Thanks so much everyone, I appreciate the responses and I’ve been thinking about them.

It got me thinking about why it bothers me so, because it’s absolutely right it’s not my responsibility. I’m thinking it’s mostly because he does have these esteem issues, but also because he’s got these serious health issues going on, I’m worried about that, and no I can’t do anything to change it.

When I see him (not all that often) I do listen, but I’ll bear in mind not listening beyond what I’m okay with. I know he’s very fond of her, and yes it’s very true no one really knows what’s going on in a relationship, I guess he maybe forgets to tell me the good stuff so I’m not getting a balanced picture.

I’m with Bill too.

All you can do is to be there for him and make him feel comfortable enough to open up to you.
I understand your concern because he’s your friend and has issues but maybe, he will grow with this relation with this girl.

I do agree with you that a person (man, women, it doesn’t matter) has to treat other with respect so as close and open as you can guess to him, the better for him to trust you and listen to your opinion.

Good luck to you and your friend.

I saw my friend for the 1st time in a few months the other day, yes she came up in his conversation again and he directly said he wished she behaved differently towards him.

I think someone on here commented it was not my business, but I feel like when he raises it with me it kind of does become my business in that I want to respond in a way that’s helpful.

Anyhow I listened, I suggested maybe he think about having some strategies in mind for dealing with situations that might happen when he’s with her. I didn’t criticise her though.

If he talked to you about it, maybe he was trying to share his pain with you and looking for your opinion.
I think you did well, since he’s counting with you.
I’m sure you know what to tell him.
It’s clear he’s worried.

Updating this, same friend but a different person now behaving towards him in a manipulative manner.

It’s helpful to come back to this and reread the replies. I decided not to get involved at all this time.

What I notice is he keeps returning to the topic, describing something which has obvious red flags (to me) and talks it up but his body language and voice tone clearly show he’s uneasy - another friend has noticed it too so it’s not just my perception.

I feel like it’s dangerous territory for me, like I could easily say the wrong thing, so what I’m doing is staying very quiet, allowing him to talk but changing the subject once he’s done.

If the same pattern is repeating with different people,your friend has weak boundaries. Sharing his experiences with you ,will not solve his problems,unless he works on himself.A change within is the need of the hour.Personally I have met such people who will tell in elaborate way,how others treat them bad,but donot do anything to stop it.They just brain-dump on a sympathetic listening ear.Good that you kept quiet this time.

Thanks, this is what I’ve been thinking. It’s about boundaries.

I felt uncomfortable not saying anything (like not being sympathetic) but it really didn’t feel like it was a good idea, might make matters worse. Thanks for the support on this.

You are a great friend it sounds like. But, like you say, treading carefully is probably the accurate path. I have spoken up in the past with a friend and his love and it was not the right thing to do...at least, I have to assume it was wrong as we are no longer friends. This is based on your original submission.

Does he complain with you about his relations with these people or is it something you deduced from his comments?

He is kind of sounding out loud, if that makes sense. Emoting, I guess.

The first occasion he did say how he wished the friend wouldn’t talk the way they do to him.

With the second person (most recent) he brought the subject up 3 times in the same afternoon. First 2 times he didn’t say outright in words but his tone of voice was subdued and he was stammering (he does this when he’s anxious I notice) and his body language was anxious and tense. Third time he said something negative about the person and how they relate to him. It wasn’t outright complaining as such but a negative observation of the person. He also repeated some negative things another friend had said about them.

All of the 3 times he spoke about this person I said nothing in response and changed the subject.

I’m feeling better about how to handle this now. I actually think in the past I have possibly over empathised and will stop doing that.

It’s not sane for him to complain about others but it will depend on how much he does it and what he does with it all after that.
Up to a point it’s normal, never sane, but something understanding that we vent about what we are living and stress us up.

He is lucky to have you. It’s clear he confides you to tell you about how he’s feeling. And only you who knows his background, his current circumstances and his character, can know how to proceed.

I’m not being of much help, sorry, but I’m like that, I need to know all details to know how I would respond. For example how much he feels effected by this ( because most of the times, the way people behave towards ourselves, it’s a matter of them and it’s not so much because of us. What it’s up to us it’s the way we take it) his background ( this is very important), you know.