To summarize a lengthy and not particularly interesting story, I'm nearing the end of a friendship with someone who's a bit of a twat. In retrospect, her behavior is pretty spot on with the "red flags" that a variety of internet articles on the subject had warned me about. Those being: manipulating people (usually with appeals to emotions), forcing the friendship to move quickly, badmouthing others behind their backs, controlling others, disrespecting others' boundaries, etc. Basically, I keep her at arm's length, but we both hang out in the same circle of friends, so I have the opportunity to observe the same questionable behavior now aimed at other people. From this perspective, it's been kinda interesting in a "watching a train wreck" sorta way.

And I've been wondering some things. What exactly compels people to behave this way towards their supposed friends? Are they aware that they're doing it? She doesn't even try this behavior with me anymore, but she still does it to others fairly regularly. How would you handle this sort of behavior? How would you handle it if you witnessed it being aimed at another friend? How ought we address this behavior?

I don't know. I'm just looking for a good discussion on the topic.

[ShadowGX]

I used to be similar to her, but I honestly had no idea what the results of my behavior were. It took someone I cared about a lot being direct with me, but he had that magical ability to be confrontational while being very kind too and I valued his opinions a lot.

That said, she could entirely be aware of what she's doing, or she could resist any attempts at being direct with her despite kindness. If she rejects someone being direct about the issues, it will end up a case of her never learning or learning the hard way, whether that means pushing all of her friends away or having someone snap at her in a less than constructive way.

Regardless, you and your other friends do not have to put up with that sort of crap.

[poshgirl]

Been there, done that and survived. Very rarely have I picked friends who are interested in me. The good ones then move to a different job or area, we lose touch and so it goes on.

Now have acquaintances but nothing more, because I'm totally fed up of so called friends who only want me for someone to lean on.

One comes to mind. Totally absorbed in herself and her family. When I mentioned how well my niece was doing at school, she interrupted to counter with her girls' good exam results. We got friendly at work, then I noticed how often she was shunned by other colleagues. One even asked me why I was friendly with her. Then the bad language started; very frequent "f" bombs.

When I left she didn't contact me for eight months, then we had a chance meeting in the local shopping centre. I was not welcoming. Did I feel guilty, a bit. Then I thought about how one-sided the friendship had been.

Lesson learned, now hope to be able to pick friends who accept me for who I am not who they think I should be. Don't be afraid to ditch so-called friends. If they are genuine, they will understand you!

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by theoretical

To summarize a lengthy and not particularly interesting story, I'm nearing the end of a friendship with someone who's a bit of a twat. In retrospect, her behavior is pretty spot on with the "red flags" that a variety of internet articles on the subject had warned me about. Those being: manipulating people (usually with appeals to emotions), forcing the friendship to move quickly, badmouthing others behind their backs, controlling others, disrespecting others' boundaries, etc. Basically, I keep her at arm's length, but we both hang out in the same circle of friends, so I have the opportunity to observe the same questionable behavior now aimed at other people. From this perspective, it's been kinda interesting in a "watching a train wreck" sorta way.

And I've been wondering some things. What exactly compels people to behave this way towards their supposed friends? Are they aware that they're doing it? She doesn't even try this behavior with me anymore, but she still does it to others fairly regularly. How would you handle this sort of behavior? How would you handle it if you witnessed it being aimed at another friend? How ought we address this behavior?

I don't know. I'm just looking for a good discussion on the topic.

Perhaps people in her family treats her this way and she thinks it nornal? Or perhaps she may not know what she is doing is so hurtful! I would gather up your friends and explain what you witness and ask how they feel about the situation before confronting your friend. Perhaps explaining that when she said this we felt this and we would like for this to stop or we can't hang out anymore. I hope this help.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by ShadowGX

I used to be similar to her, but I honestly had no idea what the results of my behavior were. It took someone I cared about a lot being direct with me, but he had that magical ability to be confrontational while being very kind too and I valued his opinions a lot.

That said, she could entirely be aware of what she's doing, or she could resist any attempts at being direct with her despite kindness. If she rejects someone being direct about the issues, it will end up a case of her never learning or learning the hard way, whether that means pushing all of her friends away or having someone snap at her in a less than constructive way.

Regardless, you and your other friends do not have to put up with that sort of crap.

That is great advice! I wish that I had thought about that myself!

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by poshgirl

Been there, done that and survived. Very rarely have I picked friends who are interested in me. The good ones then move to a different job or area, we lose touch and so it goes on.

Now have acquaintances but nothing more, because I'm totally fed up of so called friends who only want me for someone to lean on.

One comes to mind. Totally absorbed in herself and her family. When I mentioned how well my niece was doing at school, she interrupted to counter with her girls' good exam results. We got friendly at work, then I noticed how often she was shunned by other colleagues. One even asked me why I was friendly with her. Then the bad language started; very frequent "f" bombs.

When I left she didn't contact me for eight months, then we had a chance meeting in the local shopping centre. I was not welcoming. Did I feel guilty, a bit. Then I thought about how one-sided the friendship had been.

Lesson learned, now hope to be able to pick friends who accept me for who I am not who they think I should be. Don't be afraid to ditch so-called friends. If they are genuine, they will understand you!

That is great advice! I wish that I had thought about that myself! I wish that I had your courage ten years ago to dump a friend who constantly put me down. Now I am free of her.

Originally Posted by ShadowGX

I used to be similar to her, but I honestly had no idea what the results of my behavior were. It took someone I cared about a lot being direct with me, but he had that magical ability to be confrontational while being very kind too and I valued his opinions a lot.

Thanks for the insight. I've known people with this magical ability, and it's something I'm trying to develop. They're wonderful friends to have.

That said, she could entirely be aware of what she's doing, or she could resist any attempts at being direct with her despite kindness. If she rejects someone being direct about the issues, it will end up a case of her never learning or learning the hard way, whether that means pushing all of her friends away or having someone snap at her in a less than constructive way.

Regardless, you and your other friends do not have to put up with that sort of crap.

I'm leaning toward her being somewhat aware, but unwilling to change. On rare occasions, she's drawn attention to her own weird behaviors, but then immediately blamed it on something else, usually someone else. In a conversation on her tendency to grope casual friends while in public, she said, "I never used to be so handsy, but Ex-boyfriend So-and-So changed all that, and now I need to hold people because I need that affection."

I've called her out on a few things, and she'll nod along like she agrees with me, but she'll be right back to the same behavior and same excuses the next day. So I've quit trying.

But I'm still wondering what causes it in the first place. Isn't it far simpler to change the behavior? It must get exhausting trying to think of excuses all the time.

Originally Posted by poshgirl

The good ones then move to a different job or area, we lose touch and so it goes on.

I think this is a sign of a normal, healthy friendship that two people can simply move on when they go down different paths. It's the clingy ones you have to watch out for, the ones who insist that you're practically siblings and that you'll never drift apart, because you're a Real Friend(TM). They're the ones who always expect large favors and give little in return.

One comes to mind. Totally absorbed in herself and her family. When I mentioned how well my niece was doing at school, she interrupted to counter with her girls' good exam results. We got friendly at work, then I noticed how often she was shunned by other colleagues. One even asked me why I was friendly with her. Then the bad language started; very frequent "f" bombs.

When I left she didn't contact me for eight months, then we had a chance meeting in the local shopping centre. I was not welcoming. Did I feel guilty, a bit. Then I thought about how one-sided the friendship had been.

Lesson learned, now hope to be able to pick friends who accept me for who I am not who they think I should be. Don't be afraid to ditch so-called friends. If they are genuine, they will understand you!

Right. The imbalance is something that's really become apparent now that I can see it directed at someone else. It's also one of those traits that's often brought up as a "red flag."

My friend was pretty sneaky about this, in part maybe because I challenged her on it all the time. Regardless, she started off as seemingly very generous, and she would often state how concerned she was about the feelings of others. It took some time to notice that the behavior didn't really match the claims. However, it was a lot more obvious when I watched her interact with other people (and animals - she's a complete **** to animals). She dominated conversations, so much so that I know comparatively very little about the other people in our group because we're always talking about her problem of the week.

So I would recommend paying close attention to how they talk with other people.

Originally Posted by Buffy01

Perhaps people in her family treats her this way and she thinks it nornal? Or perhaps she may not know what she is doing is so hurtful! I would gather up your friends and explain what you witness and ask how they feel about the situation before confronting your friend. Perhaps explaining that when she said this we felt this and we would like for this to stop or we can't hang out anymore. I hope this help.

I've never seen her around her family members, so it's possible. I'm not really planning on doing anything about this. I just want to understand it better.

[bpcyclist]

I had a collection of 'friends' like this in high school. I couldn't totally avoid them because we were in the same sports and classes. They were the so-called 'coolest' kids. Egregiously handsome. Good at sports. Average at academics. Their behavior was disgusting and I not infrequently stood up for kids with disabilities they would make fun of, for example. Just awful humans. I graduated from high school and moved to Manhattan for college and have not spoken to them since. Haven't been to a single reunion, nor will I ever.

In my experience, the most effective method of dealing with these sorts of people is to be done with them. It feels great.

[Fuzzybear]

Interesting thread!

[divine1966]

This is from 2019 and a poster isn’t a member here anymore as it appears as “anonymous”