[rdgrad15]

Has anyone ever felt like the older they get, the weirder it feels to complain or open up to others? I'm all for letting out your feelings, but at the same time, it feels weirder the older I get for some reason. If I do open up or vent then I usually include sarcastic humor to avoid sounding too whiny and negative. I know it's okay to vent but there comes a time where it may be better to just keep it to yourself since no one really wants to hear others complain, I used to be way more negative when I was in high school and even in college a bit so I've seen firsthand what can happen if you constantly vent to others so I make sure I keep it to a bare minimum now and include some humor into it if possible as well.

[Discombobulated]

I think that’s probably a sign of maturity and personal growth. Do you feel like it’s a better way to be yourself?

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

I think that’s probably a sign of maturity and personal growth. Do you feel like it’s a better way to be yourself?

Yeah I agree, it can be a sign of maturity. I know adults that complain non-stop about everything, it comes off as immature and negative. Even coworkers complain a lot, not professional in the work environment. I think being careful about how often you vent and being a being a bit humorous helps, doesn’t sound as whiny and is less likely to drive people away.

[poshgirl]

It could also be that you no longer put up with things that you used to, so could be reason for the weirder feeling.

I've always been a straight talker, far more than members of my family. Now 60+, I'm also realising that I don't have to put up with bad behaviour of others.

As we age, we often see things from a different standpoint. I've recently met someone (online, not dating site) who has changed my outlook. We agree that opening up is a personal choice and should never be forced. My aunt says I'm like a closed book, that's just the way I am. Again, now I'm older, she gets to know more than before.

As for complaining, I do more but only where it's valid so doesn't become whinging.

So does it feel weird? Yes. Is it something that's arisen out of lockdown(s)? Maybe. I try and include humour too but there's a danger that the recipient will take it as an insult or not even understand the sarcastic element. Others say they've become bolder as they've aged.

[Etcetera1]

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

Has anyone ever felt like the older they get, the weirder it feels to complain or open up to others? I'm all for letting out your feelings, but at the same time, it feels weirder the older I get for some reason. If I do open up or vent then I usually include sarcastic humor to avoid sounding too whiny and negative. I know it's okay to vent but there comes a time where it may be better to just keep it to yourself since no one really wants to hear others complain, I used to be way more negative when I was in high school and even in college a bit so I've seen firsthand what can happen if you constantly vent to others so I make sure I keep it to a bare minimum now and include some humor into it if possible as well.

I would start with, what do you mean by venting? I noticed different people can have different definitions or ideas on what counts as venting. Yeah, some will equate it with complaining, and yea, even whining, like you are stuck in the negativity and not interested in solutions, and some will call it a vent too when you express the negativity to clear your head to be able to move on to solve the problem. The external observer of the negative expression wouldn't necessarily always be able to tell either which is the case.

Also what negative emotion is being expressed, anger or whiny self-pity?

You seemed to equate it with complaining. But you also mention letting feelings out....Complaining to me doesn't seem to be about letting feelings out, it seems to be like, being stuck in them rather than actually releasing them.

Constant venting, that does sound like complaining and whining and being sunk in self-pity.

So yeah I do agree that it would be just a burden for others if doing that at length or frequently or if you mix in a lot of strong anger too.

There is more to this. People also can't often tell if you are trying to talk about a problem to find solutions, without focusing on your own negative feelings, or if you are just complaining.

Personal experience: when I was in a very bad situation, I would try to talk to people about the problem to try and think out loud, to find solutions, or hear input from them, ideas, tips, sometimes perspectives. But most people will still read that as negative, and not neutral. I found that some did have enough people reading skills to pick up on how I was not looking for empathy or compassion, but just a discussion (intellectual solutions finding rather than emotional support).

But eventually I was just like, okay, I do way better on my own with that. I feel better too, lol.

But then I realised that I was keeping too much negative inside, and then trying to show it after so much bottling it up it would come out too strongly or too raw "emotion vomit". That was also no good.

Now I just try to deal with that too on my own, though. Just safer and more comfortable that way.

I don't know if it's to do with maturity or personal growth really. More just realising what works and what doesn't work for me. For others maybe they would go mad crazy dealing with things alone. For me it wasn't ever a real need to talk at length about my problems. Let alone complaining focusing on the negative and feeling negative at length, that plain drains me. I do way better if I just *do* things. Action plan, then do it.

Opening up and letting out feelings isn't really even about negative feelings to me. Showing some private arts work, or letting go and laughing hard at jokes together or mentioning a sensitive (but not negative) topic etc. Those are totally examples of opening up and letting out stuff without it involving negative emotions.

OK, hope some of this helped. I liked the topic so I wrote a bit about my opinions and experiences.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by poshgirl

It could also be that you no longer put up with things that you used to, so could be reason for the weirder feeling.

I've always been a straight talker, far more than members of my family. Now 60+, I'm also realising that I don't have to put up with bad behaviour of others.

As we age, we often see things from a different standpoint. I've recently met someone (online, not dating site) who has changed my outlook. We agree that opening up is a personal choice and should never be forced. My aunt says I'm like a closed book, that's just the way I am. Again, now I'm older, she gets to know more than before.

As for complaining, I do more but only where it's valid so doesn't become whinging.

So does it feel weird? Yes. Is it something that's arisen out of lockdown(s)? Maybe. I try and include humour too but there's a danger that the recipient will take it as an insult or not even understand the sarcastic element. Others say they've become bolder as they've aged.

Yeah makes sense, as we age we start seeing things from a different standpoint. I definitely don’t tolerate crap as much, I think I’ve changed in my approach to dealing with problems. I’m a closed book too, I keep all personal matters away from my family especially if it’s negative. I think it also stems from a frar of being judged, I’ve been judged before.

[RollercoasterLover]

Without a doubt, opening up to others as I get older seems weirder than it used to. Then again, the older I get, the wiser and more emotionally intelligent I get. So when I open up I'm more secure in myself and I'm less vulnerable. Both are still new feelings for me so that may contribute to the weirdness.
I definitely don't tolerate certain behaviors from anyone anymore either. In the past, I would politely tolerate being interrupted. Now, if I am interrupted I call people out and ask if they interrupted because what I'm saying is unimportant to them. If people keep talking after I say that, I walk away. Confidence and self esteem are also fairly new to me, so that could be a factor too..
Once I get used to this stronger, healthier, happier version of me, I think opening up may be less weird.

[Etcetera1]

Originally Posted by RollercoasterLover

Without a doubt, opening up to others as I get older seems weirder than it used to. Then again, the older I get, the wiser and more emotionally intelligent I get. So when I open up I'm more secure in myself and I'm less vulnerable. Both are still new feelings for me so that may contribute to the weirdness.
I definitely don't tolerate certain behaviors from anyone anymore either. In the past, I would politely tolerate being interrupted. Now, if I am interrupted I call people out and ask if they interrupted because what I'm saying is unimportant to them. If people keep talking after I say that, I walk away. Confidence and self esteem are also fairly new to me, so that could be a factor too..
Once I get used to this stronger, healthier, happier version of me, I think opening up may be less weird.

How do people respond when you ask them that (the bolded)? The people in my environment would probably get upset because it would sound like an accusation to them or like nitpicking or like guilt trippy. Do you walk away even if it's a family member? Do you just simply never talk to them again?

[RollercoasterLover]

The majority of people are slightly surprised. Most of the time they don't realize they interrupted or that it affected me. My entire family on my mother's side are either chronic interrupting types or shout out random bits of conversation you aren't part of types. My mother often answers back that of course what I'm talking about is trivial and unimportant so I politely thank her for being honest and walk away. Within a few minutes she realizes I'm not affected by her narcissism anymore and won't apologize for protecting myself. I also walk out when my family starts bickering without saying anything.
Basically, my family will argue and bicker in order to prove their point of view is right and everyone is miserable. I choose happy and refuse to engage in conversations or be in the same physical location as dysfunction. I'm 50 and life is too short to live it in misery or trying to prove something to someone who doesn't care about my point of view.
It's sill weird for me sometimes, but I would rather feel a bit awkward and feel happier than fit into dysfunction and feel miserable.

[Etcetera1]

Originally Posted by RollercoasterLover

The majority of people are slightly surprised. Most of the time they don't realize they interrupted or that it affected me. My entire family on my mother's side are either chronic interrupting types or shout out random bits of conversation you aren't part of types.

That's nice that they are just surprised and not upset. Do they easily remember afterwards not to interrupt you? Or do you have to ask again?

And yeah, my family is pretty loud too. Not that I mind. I'm used to having to match that loudness. Just when I'm low it's harder for me to match it. And I've been having a lot of stress so I've been pretty low pretty often. And when I'm realllly tired I just feel like I have zero energy left for it.

Your mother sounds like, she's got a really sh**ty attitude yeah. It sounds like to me, she was going to feel blamed or "bad" unless she chose to attack and that's what she did. What I mean is, she probably gets to feel upset and negative, feeling like she was asked if she's having a bad attitude by thinking what you are saying is unimportant.... (even tho I get it that that wasn't your intent) so then she decides to actually take on that bad attitude and outright say so, that yeah, she thinks it's unimportant.

My family doesn't get this extremely defensive when I ask them to pay attention to my being low. They do try to understand. Even though I do feel like it's weird when I ask like you said it feels weird for you too. But I would say they can still get upset if they feel criticised. And as far as I'm aware it's normal for most people to get defensive if feeling criticised. Maybe not to the extreme like your mother does. Narcissistic anger is more extreme too.

But I've read about this kind of issue, and so I've been trying to convey stuff to them without coming off critical. Maybe you could try to ask your mother why she interrupts you, is she like too excited or whatever else you can think of that sounds like it could work. Like making your stuff sound like you are genuinely trying to understand her before you try to ask for whatever you'd like from her. By the way I've read that kindness works best for narcissistic people in general, while keeping your boundaries, too. (I've read a book on the so called High Conflict Personalities. Maybe it would help you too)

Also yeah, walking away, it's like I've tried this on my bf recently, I tried to tell him a couple of times that I'm not okay with whatever paranoid negative words he's used about an issue between us. It didn't help enough, so I told him I can't talk to him until he gets what I mean, because it would just lead to more arguing because this way there is no way for either of us to calm down. So I didn't talk to him. And that seemed to help....for now. Like he went like, yeah he sees what I mean. He hasn't said anything negative since then.

Weirdly enough I DO feel like this is on topic too like you said you relate it to being able to open up more....I'm not sure how it relates in my case but I feel like it does, because I wanted to connect more with some people and then I started being bothered by stuff like this. I used to just be like, ah nah I don't care, or like I can just fight back and match their loudness (not in a bad sense!! I would enjoy it fine before I got too stressed in life), but I was also more detached. And me asking family to please pay attention when I'm low, that's actually a kind of being open too

[ArmorPlate108]

I totally agree. When I was younger- teens and twenties, it was how I connected to others. We were all struggling and spent a lot of time socializing. We bonded by complaining. Misery loves company?

Now that I'm middle aged and more settled in life, it just sounds like complaining. Everybody is busy and tired and they don't want to hear it. Especially so if they have kids

I'm actually working through a process now to think more about how I communicate with others. Less information, less oversharing, less negative talk, no putting myself down. Hopefully it leads to better things.

[poshgirl]

On the subject of interrupting, a strategy I used with a former boss was to go back to the point where he butted in, then continue from there. Most times, he'd got it wrong what I was going to say. He had good grace to apologise for interrupting, then next conversation he did it again

Family don't tend to do it very much. My aunt does occasionally but only because she's slightly deaf. My brother does, when he's in "dinosaur mode". Doesn't wait for you to finish comment/sentence before butting in with his derogatory comments. I used to let him have his moment, not any more

[Discombobulated]

Originally Posted by poshgirl

On the subject of interrupting, a strategy I used with a former boss was to go back to the point where he butted in, then continue from there. Most times, he'd got it wrong what I was going to say. He had good grace to apologise for interrupting, then next conversation he did it again

Family don't tend to do it very much. My aunt does occasionally but only because she's slightly deaf. My brother does, when he's in "dinosaur mode". Doesn't wait for you to finish comment/sentence before butting in with his derogatory comments. I used to let him have his moment, not any more

I admire that you can do that, ‘bookmark’ a point in a conversation and get back to it - I find it very hard not to get de-railed when someone interrupts like this and I genuinely struggle to remember where we were before.

[eskielover]

I feel like opening up to orders the older I get is better now than when young. I now have words to express myself better. I know better how to discuss things. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family & marriage when it came to communicating. When free from that I learned how to communicate in a functional way. Even issues at work I am able to open up about in a very functional way. For me, now is so much better to have words than just that "ugh" or yelling swear words that seemed to be from frustration when younger.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Etcetera1

I would start with, what do you mean by venting? I noticed different people can have different definitions or ideas on what counts as venting. Yeah, some will equate it with complaining, and yea, even whining, like you are stuck in the negativity and not interested in solutions, and some will call it a vent too when you express the negativity to clear your head to be able to move on to solve the problem. The external observer of the negative expression wouldn't necessarily always be able to tell either which is the case.

Also what negative emotion is being expressed, anger or whiny self-pity?

You seemed to equate it with complaining. But you also mention letting feelings out....Complaining to me doesn't seem to be about letting feelings out, it seems to be like, being stuck in them rather than actually releasing them.

Constant venting, that does sound like complaining and whining and being sunk in self-pity.

So yeah I do agree that it would be just a burden for others if doing that at length or frequently or if you mix in a lot of strong anger too.

There is more to this. People also can't often tell if you are trying to talk about a problem to find solutions, without focusing on your own negative feelings, or if you are just complaining.

Personal experience: when I was in a very bad situation, I would try to talk to people about the problem to try and think out loud, to find solutions, or hear input from them, ideas, tips, sometimes perspectives. But most people will still read that as negative, and not neutral. I found that some did have enough people reading skills to pick up on how I was not looking for empathy or compassion, but just a discussion (intellectual solutions finding rather than emotional support).

But eventually I was just like, okay, I do way better on my own with that. I feel better too, lol.

But then I realised that I was keeping too much negative inside, and then trying to show it after so much bottling it up it would come out too strongly or too raw "emotion vomit". That was also no good.

Now I just try to deal with that too on my own, though. Just safer and more comfortable that way.

I don't know if it's to do with maturity or personal growth really. More just realising what works and what doesn't work for me. For others maybe they would go mad crazy dealing with things alone. For me it wasn't ever a real need to talk at length about my problems. Let alone complaining focusing on the negative and feeling negative at length, that plain drains me. I do way better if I just *do* things. Action plan, then do it.

Opening up and letting out feelings isn't really even about negative feelings to me. Showing some private arts work, or letting go and laughing hard at jokes together or mentioning a sensitive (but not negative) topic etc. Those are totally examples of opening up and letting out stuff without it involving negative emotions.

OK, hope some of this helped. I liked the topic so I wrote a bit about my opinions and experiences.

I tend to use the words complaining and venting interchangeably, always thought they were basically the same thing but I can see how they can be different. I know people that complain non-stop and they don't seem to want to find a solution, that's very annoying and energy draining. I may say a few things about what is bothering me in a tone that doesn't sound whiny but then I still feel bad about it, sometimes I want a solution but other times I just want to vent. Either way though I wind up feeling bad so I just keep it to myself and if I ever do vent, I usually tell people I'm fine shortly afterwards so they don't see me as a negative person even though I rarely vent.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by RollercoasterLover

Without a doubt, opening up to others as I get older seems weirder than it used to. Then again, the older I get, the wiser and more emotionally intelligent I get. So when I open up I'm more secure in myself and I'm less vulnerable. Both are still new feelings for me so that may contribute to the weirdness.
I definitely don't tolerate certain behaviors from anyone anymore either. In the past, I would politely tolerate being interrupted. Now, if I am interrupted I call people out and ask if they interrupted because what I'm saying is unimportant to them. If people keep talking after I say that, I walk away. Confidence and self esteem are also fairly new to me, so that could be a factor too..
Once I get used to this stronger, healthier, happier version of me, I think opening up may be less weird.

Yeah makes sense, we may not feel as much of a need to vent when we become better at handling our own problems.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Etcetera1

How do people respond when you ask them that (the bolded)? The people in my environment would probably get upset because it would sound like an accusation to them or like nitpicking or like guilt trippy. Do you walk away even if it's a family member? Do you just simply never talk to them again?

I can see how this could come off as accusing.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by RollercoasterLover

The majority of people are slightly surprised. Most of the time they don't realize they interrupted or that it affected me. My entire family on my mother's side are either chronic interrupting types or shout out random bits of conversation you aren't part of types. My mother often answers back that of course what I'm talking about is trivial and unimportant so I politely thank her for being honest and walk away. Within a few minutes she realizes I'm not affected by her narcissism anymore and won't apologize for protecting myself. I also walk out when my family starts bickering without saying anything.
Basically, my family will argue and bicker in order to prove their point of view is right and everyone is miserable. I choose happy and refuse to engage in conversations or be in the same physical location as dysfunction. I'm 50 and life is too short to live it in misery or trying to prove something to someone who doesn't care about my point of view.
It's sill weird for me sometimes, but I would rather feel a bit awkward and feel happier than fit into dysfunction and feel miserable.

That's good you were able to distance yourself from a dysfunctional environment.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Etcetera1

That's nice that they are just surprised and not upset. Do they easily remember afterwards not to interrupt you? Or do you have to ask again?

And yeah, my family is pretty loud too. Not that I mind. I'm used to having to match that loudness. Just when I'm low it's harder for me to match it. And I've been having a lot of stress so I've been pretty low pretty often. And when I'm realllly tired I just feel like I have zero energy left for it.

Your mother sounds like, she's got a really sh**ty attitude yeah. It sounds like to me, she was going to feel blamed or "bad" unless she chose to attack and that's what she did. What I mean is, she probably gets to feel upset and negative, feeling like she was asked if she's having a bad attitude by thinking what you are saying is unimportant.... (even tho I get it that that wasn't your intent) so then she decides to actually take on that bad attitude and outright say so, that yeah, she thinks it's unimportant.

My family doesn't get this extremely defensive when I ask them to pay attention to my being low. They do try to understand. Even though I do feel like it's weird when I ask like you said it feels weird for you too. But I would say they can still get upset if they feel criticised. And as far as I'm aware it's normal for most people to get defensive if feeling criticised. Maybe not to the extreme like your mother does. Narcissistic anger is more extreme too.

But I've read about this kind of issue, and so I've been trying to convey stuff to them without coming off critical. Maybe you could try to ask your mother why she interrupts you, is she like too excited or whatever else you can think of that sounds like it could work. Like making your stuff sound like you are genuinely trying to understand her before you try to ask for whatever you'd like from her. By the way I've read that kindness works best for narcissistic people in general, while keeping your boundaries, too. (I've read a book on the so called High Conflict Personalities. Maybe it would help you too)

Also yeah, walking away, it's like I've tried this on my bf recently, I tried to tell him a couple of times that I'm not okay with whatever paranoid negative words he's used about an issue between us. It didn't help enough, so I told him I can't talk to him until he gets what I mean, because it would just lead to more arguing because this way there is no way for either of us to calm down. So I didn't talk to him. And that seemed to help....for now. Like he went like, yeah he sees what I mean. He hasn't said anything negative since then.

Weirdly enough I DO feel like this is on topic too like you said you relate it to being able to open up more....I'm not sure how it relates in my case but I feel like it does, because I wanted to connect more with some people and then I started being bothered by stuff like this. I used to just be like, ah nah I don't care, or like I can just fight back and match their loudness (not in a bad sense!! I would enjoy it fine before I got too stressed in life), but I was also more detached. And me asking family to please pay attention when I'm low, that's actually a kind of being open too

I agree, it appears families are the hardest to deal with and talk to since they get defensive the most it seems.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by ArmorPlate108

I totally agree. When I was younger- teens and twenties, it was how I connected to others. We were all struggling and spent a lot of time socializing. We bonded by complaining. Misery loves company?

Now that I'm middle aged and more settled in life, it just sounds like complaining. Everybody is busy and tired and they don't want to hear it. Especially so if they have kids

I'm actually working through a process now to think more about how I communicate with others. Less information, less oversharing, less negative talk, no putting myself down. Hopefully it leads to better things.

Exactly, I used to complain a lot more when I was in high school and even college a little bit since that's how teens and young adults tend to bond. Now I keep most stuff to myself since I know most people really don't want to hear it and I feel more mature and able to handle my own problems without dumping it on others, I also have less tolerance for others that complain a lot non-stop too. It comes off as immature when it's overdone without any attempts to find a solution, I have a coworker in her 60's that does this. She complains non-stop about our job but refuses to change anything or do anything to make herself happy, she just whines about having to work all day and it just doesn't sit right with me.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by poshgirl

On the subject of interrupting, a strategy I used with a former boss was to go back to the point where he butted in, then continue from there. Most times, he'd got it wrong what I was going to say. He had good grace to apologise for interrupting, then next conversation he did it again

Family don't tend to do it very much. My aunt does occasionally but only because she's slightly deaf. My brother does, when he's in "dinosaur mode". Doesn't wait for you to finish comment/sentence before butting in with his derogatory comments. I used to let him have his moment, not any more

At least your boss owned up to it, I know people who interrupt like that. We all do that to a certain extent, but at least we acknowledge it.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

I admire that you can do that, ‘bookmark’ a point in a conversation and get back to it - I find it very hard not to get de-railed when someone interrupts like this and I genuinely struggle to remember where we were before.

I agree, that is a pretty good strategy since it's easy to get derailed especially if it wasn't something important.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by eskielover

I feel like opening up to orders the older I get is better now than when young. I now have words to express myself better. I know better how to discuss things. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family & marriage when it came to communicating. When free from that I learned how to communicate in a functional way. Even issues at work I am able to open up about in a very functional way. For me, now is so much better to have words than just that "ugh" or yelling swear words that seemed to be from frustration when younger.

That's good that you are able to open up, I know it may feel weird to open up but I also know that bottling things up too much has it's own slew of downfalls. Glad you got out of a dysfunctional situation, I can't open up with my family so anytime I do vent to someone then it's always someone outside of my family.

[ArtleyWilkins]

I think I've just learned to be rather careful about who I open up to. Honestly, most of the world doesn't want to know everything going through my head, so I keep that kind of discussion limited to a few.

Call it maturity perhaps. I think it is somewhat just the result of experience and clearer perception about people now. I'm also much more personally secure and honestly don't generally want other people's opinions about my personal matters anyway. Sometimes it is perfectly okay to just handle things privately.

As far as complaining goes, I subscribe to the "not my circus; not my monkeys" philosophy most of the time. If it IS my monkey, I best have a solution if I'm going to open my mouth.

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

That's good that you are able to open up, I know it may feel weird to open up but I also know that bottling things up too much has it's own slew of downfalls. Glad you got out of a dysfunctional situation, I can't open up with my family so anytime I do vent to someone then it's always someone outside of my family.

Yea, only family I have is my daughter who lives several states away from me. I did need to open up & talk to her about understanding why I left her dad because his family (mine are all not alive) painted me as the bad guy & she needed to know my why without painting her dad as the bad guy....let her decide what she sees & understands. I could not be silent at that point.

The thing was too that I moved to a little town where I didn't know anyone. I didn't open up to people unless it came up in discussion or they asked because no one knew me either. Not afraid to share when part of a discussion but otherwise it is no one's business except when it came to therapy, then my T needed to see the big picture to understand me better (it worked well with her....best T ever)