Stuck

Wise words divine. Thank you.

There are social support agencies that will assist your husband to have all he needs to keep body and soul together. There are fellowships of recovering substance abusers who will welcome him into their midst, if he wants companionship in working a program of recovery. It's all out there. I've worked as a nurse in a variety of venues that services this population. Many very dedicated professionals and assistant workers labor conscientiously to guide troubled individuals along a pathway out of hell. But the individual must cooperate. Nothing impossible will be asked of your husband.

I was astonished at the support offered my brother. He was set up in a one bedroom apartment nicer than my own. He was offered a support worker to come by several times a month to assist him to clean his place, since he has trouble staying organized. If he failed to pay his rent, an agency would pay it for him and allow him to gradually pay off that debt. The agency had a special contract with the management of his apartment complex. Because he kept getting arrested, they matched him up with an attorney who specializes in defending mentally ill chronic offenders. I met with this attorney, and I was so impressed by her commitment. BTW, I live in a poor state. Yet, resources are there. Of course, my brother would say that "the system" was out to crush him. You're going to hear that too. Don't believe it.

People like my brother and your husband want to have their cake and eat it too. Wouldn't we all like that? You and I have to meet expectations to get what we have in life. These two men have decided they do not accept that reality of life. Their real core problem is NOT their mental illnesses. It's their rotten attitudes, whereby everyone is expected to cater to them. I have another close relative who struggles with very serious mental illness. Yet, he's been a good husband and father . . . plus a wonderful friend to me. He is a good man who accepts that he has to TRY. He is very loved. He knows how to love.

It is not true that mental illness makes anyone a bad person. I worked in an agency that stored and administered medications to mentally ill clients who were either homeless or not organized enough to manage their meds totally on their own. Some of them were just the nicest people you could meet . . . so grateful, so cooperative, so very pleasant to engage with. They came by consistently each morning to take their meds. This agency provided shower facilities and a clean change of clothing and a meal. Also an address to receive mail. These individuals were very courteous to staff and to each other.

Your husband's rotten attitudes are not caused by his mental illness. Like my brother, he simply has an entitled attitude that comes with a complement of rotten attitudes. Something was lacking in what he was exposed to growing up. He suffered abuse. That may have led to both his mental illness and his rotten attitudes. But they are two separate problems. Just because they both have roots in the same soil does not mean one causes the other.

Your husband can control his behavior much better than you think he can. I'm talking about the bad behaviors that come from his contempt for other people. (Not the mental illness stuff.) If you think those two sets of behaviors can't be separated, you need to visit a jail or a prison. You would be amazed at how polite inmates are capable of behaving. If your husband got put in a prison cell with a cellmate who was bigger, stronger and meaner than he was, do you think your husband would verbally abuse his cellmate? Your husband would become the most courteous guy in the world.

Because your husband has no attachment to any moral code of how to treat another human being, he probably can only be governed by fear. He will be respectful of those he is afraid of. Eventually, he will work himself into an environment where that's what he'll have to deal with. He will curb his behavior to the extent that he becomes afraid not to. Oh, he can change, alright - given sufficient incentive. That's why I could walk into a prison pod with a murderer over here and two rapists over there . . . and everyone would be getting along just as nice as could be. If these men were dressed in nice street clothes, you wouldn't think there was anything wrong with them. They were controling themselves because they were afraid not to. I suspect most of them had sad, abusive childhoods. They grew up and abused the rights of others. But, in that controlled environment of the prison pod, they were capable of relaxing, joking, acting friendly and not causing me any discomfort to be in their midst. If one of them were disrespectful toward me, he would have been "corrected" by his peers. Certainly, some of these guys had been in the habit of smacking around their wives and girlfriends, when they were at home. You'ld never know it meeting them in the pod. Some people will alter their behavior based solely on what they can, or can't, get away with. That's your husband's approach to life. He doesn't care about what's right or wrong. You might as well make those arguments to a brick wall.

Your husband is probably in his 40s. It's better to cut him loose before he gets much older, when adjusting to the change will only be tougher. He'll have choices to make. Let him make them.

True there are services. We have such a large homeless population here you’d think there was no support or options.

Yeah mid forty. It is true that husband expects people to cater to him. He acts like he is a rule follower, but he is I guess just confrontational. He likes to point out when others aren’t following rules.

I never thought he was a bad person, so I never thought mental illness made him a bad person. I only thought of him as reactive, like an abused dog or cat who lashes out whenever they don’t feel safe, when they feel threatened.

Okay, your husband doesn't go around robbing convenience stores or knocking down old ladies and grabbing their purses. Being a good person is not just about refraining from committing felonies. He creates a miserable environment for you to live in. He's irresponsible. He can't be trusted to safely drive your daughter anywhere. He's arrogant. He can't get along with others well enough to hold down a job. (The current one won't last.) He's "been fired like 4 or 5 times . . . Usually due to behavior towards others." His behavior has been "terrible" for decades, as you describe it. His own daughter wishes he weren't there. His own adult son avoids him. He's resentful. He "has a power issue" for as long as you've known him. You've described him as "a jerk." You're revolted at the thought of having any marital intimacy with him. All I know about this man is what you have told us. I'm trying to think of one virtue he might have?

Can you - with a straight face - honestly say, "My husband is basically a good man, and I admire that about him." ??

If he's basically a good guy, then I guess his only downfall is that "he's sick." So back in the corner we go.

Calling him a "bad man" seems too strong for you. If he weren't your husband, and he asked you for a character reference, would you give him one?

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Originally Posted by Starlingflock Been married over twenty years. Been a tense relationship with dysfunction. Still, there’s a lot of love between us. How it all adds up, don’t know. I don’t understand him much anymore. Feel like he’s never much understood me. I’m trying to repair the relationship or end it. He wants to hang on and not change anything. Or he says he needs more time before he can do anything about his marijuana addiction. Being high comes first every day. Can’t drive our child, can’t parent much. Doesn’t talk to me really. Does his own thing with some pleasantries with me here and there, or unpleasantries. Tried marriage counseling but that ended because the addiction issue was outside the scope of her practice. He’s been doing minimal addiction therapy that hasn’t seemed to make any difference yet. Hasn’t been doing the therapy long, but took a very long time to start it. Had maybe 6 sessions and no change, doesn’t say a peep about the therapy. Spent at least $270 on weed in the last ten days. He has trigger warning tendencies. Been a big factor of why I fear to leave him. I try to talk to him about things and he doesn’t respond. At all. Or he’ll say leave him alone or he’ll say who am I to demand things or he’ll just laugh. He’s abruptly said he’ll change something but doesn’t follow through. He just wants to keep things like this. I tell him there’s a problem and he just denies it everytime. He’ll say what’s the issue? Like he’s never heard it before. He said this morning “I can’t believe you bring this up right now.” Never the right time. I guess it’s not about repairing the relationship because it was probably broken from the start. I don’t know how I could love someone so much who has treated me poorly. Have I treated him poorly too? I just keep expecting (hoping) that he’ll get more help at least. But I guess he is happy how it is and thinks I’m trying to call the shots and wants to put his foot down and have me go along with things the way they are, just being satisfied that he is here and stop pouting about anything else and stop inventing problems. We no longer have intimacy except hugs and kisses and I love yous everyday. I don’t know what to do exactly. I could ask him to move out, but I keep hoping something will change. Why am I like this??

I sense from your spouse that he needs you to not be hard with him and that you might not be relaying to him softness or the love that he needs. But, what about what you need?

What can you say that you need from him?

He loves you and in a deep way considering how you are together with him attending sessions of therapy. The weed is weed and should not be part of his forever life.

I relate to your situation. I have a daughter whom I do not have a relationship with in my house. She is reclusive. I insist that my relationship with my wife be first before. In fact, I will not consider relationships with my mother or sisters if my wife and my relationship is to be ignored. It has been this way for a few years.

What is your defecit with him in the relationship!? Like what do you need from him? More intimacy?? More convo?

His current job only lasted a week. That was a few weeks ago or so when it ended.
He is a good guy towards some people.
His behavior towards me is bad.

I have been soft and loving and easy on him. I’m still easy on him. I wouldn’t say I’m loving anymore, but certainly supportive and patient and kind. I can’t support some choices he makes though. I have been willing again and again to be loving and helpful. But how to keep being that way when it’s not working out?

What I need is to be listened to and cared about. To have freedom to meet my goals. What I need from him is healthy behavior towards me and our kids. And if he can’t behave then he needs to do something about it.

He was not invested in therapy with me. It was a very stressful experience. He was not capable of talking about things that were happening (the many negative interactions). He was willing to lie to the counselor expecting me not to call him out. He was frustrated there was no intimacy. He said he could not put energy into us because he needs to work on himself. He loves weed in a very deep way. I’d like to leave him to his mistress Mary Jane knowing he’ll be happy ever after in the haze, surrounded by whatever he wants to look at and enjoy. I irritate him but weed makes him happy. But it turns into me giving him a hard time. My feelings of rejection and loneliness are nothing compared to the void he fills with his distractions and attempts for fame. I try to be a partner with him, and he tries to make sure I know he’s the boss.

I’ve asked him for all the things I need but he won’t give them to me.

He sometimes behaves like a good guy with others because he is well aware of society’s norms of behavior and acting like a jerk won’t get him any browny points and he’ll be kicked to the curb or worse. At home though there are no consequences so he acts like he wants to. Sometimes people put up with abuse because they were convinced by others or they themselves came to that conclusion that he doesn’t know better because he is sick. But then you see how he is with others and miraculously he does know better.

So, what happens each time he gets fired? Do you then have to support the both of you and the entire household? Does all the financial responsibility fall on your shoulders? If so, that is not OK. Totally unacceptable.

He knows what he is doing when he treats you poorly. He can be good to other people because he knows how to shut it off so that he can still look good and get by in the world.

He used to enjoy camaraderie. But now he says he has become more and more intolerant of others.

Yes I support us.
He really can’t shut it off when he is annoyed, triggered. He likes some people, or I guess he needs/wants their support so is friendly with them. It could be more of a take thing.
He moved a lot as a kid so I think that played into it.

What you are describing is that you are in a relationship with a person who will never validate you. Like your father?

You will not be happy if all you do is sacrifice yourself for the happiness of others who take out their frustrations on you.

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Originally Posted by RollercoasterLover Take one step at a time.... your next step after taking a deep breath is consult an attorney. The step after that is talk to a financial planner. I never promised to endure abuse.

I always think it would be good to get Johnny Cochran and his team, you should look in to that outrage. All kidding aside, yes it is probaby true for many marital contracts that you did not agree to abuse so don't forget. I hope you are ok.

He was supposed to do his addiction intake today, but instead he’s decided to leave the state. Moving in with his bro and wiping his hands clean of this.

At least that will give you a break from having him at home and having his behavior to put up with. Enjoy the break . . . for however long it lasts.

His brother will soon tire of having him there. He'll be back. No brother or friend is going to give him as good a deal as he's been getting from you.

It's not wrong for you to see your husband's humanity and feel compassion for him. It may be that the way he is happens to be all he is capable of being.

So he gets "triggered" by anything he perceives as a threat, and "he lashes out whenever" he doesn't "feel safe." That brings us right to the core of what he believes. He believes he should never be made to feel unsafe. This is an unsafe world, and we all have to deal with feeling unsafe. (He makes you feel unsafe.) No one on this planet gets to feel snug and safe all the time. We try to create an illusion of that for children because they're children. Even they get tragically disabused of that illusion, as we know all too well. Your husband wants to live perpetually as a child. The "weed" cloaks him in a fuzzy blanket. He won't give that up. No one should be allowed to unsettle him. He won't "play that game." He'll run from any scenario where anyone disturbs his tranquility. The rest of us have to cope with friction at work and with all the challenges that come with meeting responsibilities. But not him. He must be assured of being "safe" at all times. He has decided he is entitled to that. After all, he had an insecure childhood. He got cheated. So, now, Starling, it's your job, to award reparations to him for what he feels he got cheated out of. Actually, he didn't think that up all on his own. You've fostered that thinking, by taking on the role of infantilizing him.

He'll be back.

You've had an eventful few days. I hope you are taking gentle care of yourself.

It may seem daunting, and if you haven't yet, a consultation with an attorney is a must at this point. If he left your marital home today, it's the first day of legal separation depending on where you live. Had he left for treatment, its different. You need specific advice for your state and what you should, shouldn't, can and can't do.

Everything you are feeling is normal. Keep your focus on your future and your children's futures when your emotions get intense and overwhelming. All the best to you.

Let him go, but make sure he cannot get to the equity of your home leaving you with nothing. You need to get legal advice ASAP.

Can’t sleep. Keep looking at the doorway. Today was intense, I feel tingley.
I have so many emotions.
I restated that i want a divorce because he called me gross again.
He said it was silly that him calling me gross should equal wanting a divorce.
He said “just go through with it then!”
He said he’ll be back to collect more things at some point.
Said he’ll send me money each month.
Said sell the house take half the 401k
Said he borrowed 1000 from the reserve line and he’ll pay it back. Told me to take his name off the bank account.
He’s going 20 hrs car drive.
Left his debit card and house key
Said he has a new phone number, I made him write it down.
Told daughter he’ll see her online when she asked him how’d they’d have visits if he’s so far away. I called him cold as ice.

WOW - so instead of facing his addiction and instead of getting actual treatment for it, he runs away from the responsibility of it all.

Do you see this? He cannot own up to his problems, nor get help for himself.

He has saved you from a whole lot more grief. Look at this as your ticket to freedom.

I hope he follows through with what he says about sending money each month. Yes, the distance will impact your daughter, but it's best this way. Best that he is no longer living under the same roof, causing damage.

And yes, you will have many different emotions around him leaving. Keep the perspective. He is running away from getting any real help.

Let him vent and leave. He doesn’t want to do rehab. He is making his choice, don’t let him fill you with guilt.