And guidance if possible. I closed my last thread because I'm concerned about being judged. Differing perspectives are okay. But please don't judge or be mean to me.

I went to visit him (the guy I'm seeing) this weekend.


It was nice. His daughter was there. It was awkward too. I leaned into the awkwardness. We weren't around her too much. But at one point,when she was around, I had to excuse myself to the bathroom. It was just too uncomfortable for me socially.


A little before I excused myself to the bathroom, he made a joke about me to her. Teasing me, I guess. About a tv show we (me and him) started watching the night before that I wasn't into (him and his daughter love the show). I was really uncomfortable and panicked when he did that. I'd already been a little insecure that I wasn't interested into watching something him and his daughter seem to think is "so cool," and therefore I felt "uncool," I'm not really sure why he said it, but I froze, and was embarrassed and scared to say anything. I'm sure he had no idea he was doing anything wrong. I dunno.


I know that sounds small - teasing someone about a tv show and my internal reaction may seem too big? I don't know. Especially because we had a good time otherwise. So I'm confused by how much it bothered me. I pushed it down while there, but I thought about it my whole ride home. I need to reiterate (and validate): I have social anxiety around meeting people in his life, I am a survivor of emotional abuse and I think that makes me sensitive to teasing - I don't like it - along with the social anxiety which is making me fear judgment and insecurity, along with I don't trust him to make me feel safe meeting the people in his life. He kind pf proved that I...wasn't safe. It pisses me off.


Also the day of heading out to visit, we were on the phone. I'd been feeling close to him the past couple of days, and the L word is often on my mind with him. I think it's too soon to say it, and he doesn't want to say it to me, I don't think he's "there" yet, but in that phone conversation, I was expressing how much I liked and cared about him, and he was saying the same for me, and the L word was danced around, and he said if I wanted to say it, I should. I felt encouraged by him to say it, even though I knew he wouldn't say it back. I said it. And I felt embarrassed, regretful, horrible after. (and please do not judge me for saying the L word to him while also having doubts, I already feel awful).


Anyway, we did talk about it, and he said to me that it's okay to have feelings. but it really just feels like he wants his ego stroked. I'm sure that's not how he's thinking of it. But he doesn't feel the ****ing same. I understand that everyone comes to the L word in their own way, on their own comfort level, and I do not want to pressure him to say anything he's uncomfortable with. I think I was just trying something, and it didn't feel right. I'm also annoyed that he encouraged me to say it.


I wish I could continue dating him. And...I want to. He is so nice. He has no idea that he said anything wrong at this point, either. The thing is, I'm also scared to break up. I'm scared of the terrible horrible ****** break up feeling. I have been traumatized by horrible break ups in the past. Really hurt. I'm scared I will want him back and he will tell me to screw off.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to stay with someone because I'm afraid to break up with them. I don't want to keep getting hurt and keep feeling nervous and unsafe in these situations. But I don't want to mess up something good. I also want to at least talk to him. This stuff just keeps happening. I know he doesn't want to break up. But it's about what I want and need. Maybe take a break. Or talk to him. I don't know. I'm sick of talking about this stuff with him. And I don't want to be the buzzkill all the time by continually bringing stuff up.

[Breaking Dawn]

The way I see it, WovenGalaxy, is that there are too many "what if"s, & you enjoy him a lot of the time, so there's a lot you'd be giving up to end it right now. Since you aren't sure yet, I don't see the good in feeling the pain of missing him when you don't have to. One of there days you will be able to make up your mind with little regret, one way or the other.

I think I just don't understand how this stuff I wrote about...can overshadow...our good times together, in my mind. Is something wrong with me? He's such a good person. He cares. He's funny. I love when we do connect.

Originally Posted by Breaking Dawn

The way I see it, WovenGalaxy, is that there are too many "what if"s, & you enjoy him a lot of the time, so there's a lot you'd be giving up to end it right now. Since you aren't sure yet, I don't see the good in feeling the pain of missing him when you don't have to. One of there days you will be able to make up your mind with little regret, one way or the other.

Thanks Breaking Dawn Yeah, I'll take my time with this.

[NorthernMark]

So why not say the L word around him?

[NorthernMark]

Originally Posted by WovenGalaxy

I think I just don't understand how this stuff I wrote about...can overshadow...our good times together, in my mind. Is something wrong with me? He's such a good person. He cares. He's funny. I love when we do connect.

Stick to that and move forward.

[Bill3]

think I just don't understand how this stuff I wrote about...can overshadow...our good times together, in my mind.

You were badly hurt in the past, and it sounds like his teasing triggers feelings related to the events of the past.



Maybe he could work on not teasing you?

[AliceKate]

Love is a beautiful word. We should use it when we mean it and I think it's awesome you had the courage to. I understand the reaction, wanting to take it back and you don't have to ever say it again if you don't feel like it. It's not an obligation. Not a contract. It doesn't mean you owe him anything or need to spend time with him as he wants to. You still get to decide how far you are willing to go with him and whether or not to draw back. Using the L word doesn't negate that. It's your decision.

Originally Posted by Bill3

You were badly hurt in the past, and it sounds like his teasing triggers feelings related to the events of the past.



Maybe he could work on not teasing you?

Thank you for the validation re my past. The thing is, when this stuff happens, I am not reminded of anything from the past. It just hurts, I don't like it, makes me deeply uncomfortable.


I would really like for that to happen (for him to work on not teasing me, especially with other people / new people). I'm not ready to talk to him though. I do still feel silly for bringing this topic up to him. I don't truly know where its coming from.


This is really affecting my mental health. I didn't eat dinner yesterday. I wasn't tired until late. I even signed up for a class last week (it starts this week - this morning), to take my mind off this stuff, because I thought maybe I was overly focused on it, and that didn't feel good. I don't even want to go this morning.


He knew I was really struggling yesterday, but I wouldn't / couldn't get myself to tell him what about.

Originally Posted by AliceKate

Love is a beautiful word. We should use it when we mean it and I think it's awesome you had the courage to. I understand the reaction, wanting to take it back and you don't have to ever say it again if you don't feel like it. It's not an obligation. Not a contract. It doesn't mean you owe him anything or need to spend time with him as he wants to. You still get to decide how far you are willing to go with him and whether or not to draw back. Using the L word doesn't negate that. It's your decision.

Thank you so much for this.

[Bill3]

Thank you for the validation re my past. The thing is, when this stuff happens, I am not reminded of anything from the past. It just hurts, I don't like it, makes me deeply uncomfortable.

That is how it happens for me too. Experiencing a trigger, for me, doesn't involve revisiting the negative events, but instead gives me a massive hit of anxiety and dread.

Originally Posted by Bill3

That is how it happens for me too. Experiencing a trigger, for me, doesn't involve revisiting the negative events, but instead gives me a massive hit of anxiety and dread.

I appreciate hearing this. I didn't know it could be like that.

I finally found the words / language to talk to him about this and he is being so nice.

I think we are breaking up.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by WovenGalaxy

I think we are breaking up.

What made you think that?

Originally Posted by divine1966

What made you think that?

We talked earlier. We aren't compatible.

[Bill3]

((((((((WovenGalaxy)))))))))

[AliceKate]

I'm so sorry. That sucks.

[divine1966]

I am sorry to hear that but it’s always for the best (if that’s what is going to happen). Two months is a short time. It would be way harder after long dating or cohabitating or any other entanglements. It’s hard regardless. Never fun. Hang in there

[Breaking Dawn]

I'm sorry.

[Bill3]

How are you doing today?

Originally Posted by Bill3

How are you doing today?

I'm doing better. Thanks Bill. We talked last night and both want to keep seeing each other. So we are. There *was* some confusion, in our previous convo.

I feel pretty awkward for saying one thing, then you guys saying sorry, then it changing. I really thought it was happening.

Hugs to all.

[Bill3]

So happy to hear!

[NorthernMark]

Originally Posted by WovenGalaxy

We talked earlier. We aren't compatible.

"Every moment is a fresh beginning." (T. S. Eliot)

[NorthernMark]

Are you different genders or speaking in different languages?