I need support

Love is a fine word. Is that what we are talking?

You really don't have to feel guilty for that. It happens to everyone Glad you worked things out!

Me, too. I feel the same way as Bill3 & AliceKate.

(((((((((( WovenGalaxy )))))))))))

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Originally Posted by WovenGalaxy I'm doing better. Thanks Bill. We talked last night and both want to keep seeing each other. So we are. There *was* some confusion, in our previous convo. I feel pretty awkward for saying one thing, then you guys saying sorry, then it changing. I really thought it was happening. Hugs to all.

It's ok.....it is called sorting through the communication & trying to understand what each other is actually saying....that brings better understanding of each other & clears the cobwebs of assumptions. Sorting out relationships is a challenge for everyone. When one person has lived around teasing a lot & the other person has been hurt by it, it takes time to sort through.

My now ex thought that insult comedy like Don Rickles was something fun to use on me right after we got married. I was good at throwing it right back in his face.....but after a few months I was sick of it & didn't want to tolerate it any more. Gave him an ultimatum, stop or get out. Seriously, it took him about a year of constant reminding for him to stop it. Just saying when we don't like a behavior in someone & they are willing to change, it doesn't happen immediately either. Relationships always take work to iron out issues when both sides want to. It is when both sides can't iron out issues that incompatibility happens....that is why communication is so important in all relationships

I...am not happy today. I'm filled with doubt. We have a good and healthy relationship. But at least once a weekend, he will say something jokingly that hurts my feelings. Last weekend, I was pissed. I waited till the next day to tell him because I was blindsided when he said it, but I also didn't want to be a buzzkill. I also am sick of bringing this **** up to him. It's exhausting and I feel like the bad guy even though he is super nice about and receptive and apologizes. This time, I expressed my anger. Like I said the F word. It was pretty quick. But I felt so badly afterwards. I apologized. I cried. I was worried he was going to break up with me (he was nowhere near that point, he loves me and wants to make it work). That night, he told me I was right to be mad (he said I "Call him out"). It was the first time that day I was like "hey, I had a right to be mad and my feelings were valid as ****."


I am grateful that he can admit that I am right. And that he's not getting mad at me for feeling the way I feel. He doesn't get defensive.


The thing is, he isn't going to stop. He wants to and is trying. But he said it's going to keep happening for a little while, a few more times. Which he said because he doesn't know what triggers me. I need to talk to him tonight. I am sick of having this **** happen. I think a relationship can be healthy as ****. But if this **** keeps happening, maybe I'm out.


I say that, but I'm super scared to break up. I am very very afraid of going through a break up. I also really like him. Usually.


I don't want this to be my life. I don't want to be sad during the week because someone who is my boyfriend says ****** things to me on the weekends. I also feel shy and nervous around him sometimes. I'm sick as **** of that.


How do you know whether to break up with someone? I think first we need to talk. Sometimes I feel so close to him. Last night I'd told him I'd move locations for him and I meant it. I think I need more to do, too. To distract me from the ****** feelings.


Ugh. I'm so pissed and unhappy right now.

Just a little personal experience here. My now ex was not "put down" Sarcastic toward me before we got married but started that crap right after we were married. Ok, I had a lot of ammunition to throw back at him when it came to put downs & we threw it back & forth for maybe 6 months but it made me angry because I was tired of being that way myself because it didn't make me feel good even though it was easy to throw put down sarcasm back at him. I finally said enough & if he didn't stop it I wanted him out of my life (oh yes, issues started early on in that marriage) anyway, he agreed to stop HOWEVER it took almost a YEAR of reminders every time he did it before he was finally able to STOP that completely.

Don't lose patience & work calmly with him on the issue you are having. It takes time cause those kinds of things aren't like they are controlled by a light switch. The good thing is he is willing to work with you on this so you need to have patience & work calmly with him. It will change but if you get angry & impatient, you may drive him away. Your attitude as much as his is what will make the change possible

I am just thinking too, I don't think that his teasing is malicious - as much as it hurts and I hate it. I think it's a weird way of...trying to be close maybe. I will have to ask him. Last weekend, he made a vulgar sex joke about me - but it was like, him being horny. But it was completely not okay with me. It made me feel bad. I'm sick of feeling bad.


And yeah I was wondering if I should give this a timeline - like if it hasn't stopped after such and such time, and after being clear and communicative, maybe take a break. I'm also wondering if eventually I should tell him this.


I also need to say that there's a lot of good about him too. He went with me to get bloodwork last weekend. He is also very sweet.


We are both telling each other we love each other now. And I do. But I would like to find ways to disengage from my feelings about this **** when we aren't together. It just ruminates around and around in my head.

I think I also want to say that when I am with him, I'm usually happy. Weekends are pretty great. I know that sounds contradictory.

Thanks for your perspective and encouragement!

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But I would like to find ways to disengage from my feelings about this **** when we aren't together. It just ruminates around and around in my head.

The reason it is ruminating around & around in your head is because it is an unresolved problem your mind is trying to figure out a solution to

I think I’d not wait for later but rather address everything up front. Like if he made vulgar joke, I’d say right away “honey I love when we joke and play around but I really don’t like vulgar jokes. Let’s joke but keep it clean please. What do you think? Could you take that joke back or maybe rephrase.”

I’d not let it brew in my head. Just speak up. It doesn’t need to be a buzz kill as it doesn’t need to be an argument. Just polite and calm awareness right on the spot.

Most people could curb their behaviors within reasons. If they try. Hopefully he can too.

As about break ups, I’d not stay with someone because I am afraid of a break up. If you are happy with him then no need to worry about breaking up. I am a little confused on you feeling shy and nervous with him. Hhmm Do you feel like relationship is progressing and you are getting closer? Maybe it’s just a matter of tweaking some behaviors.

He causes the buzzkill with his comments.

How is your mood after he makes one of those comments?

For you to bring it up isn't causing the buzzkill.

Rather, it is acknowledging and drawing attention to the fact that he has caused one.

It has already happened, and saying that you want to talk about that buzzkill is completely reasonable.

I'm not waiting till later on purpose. I sort of froze. I know it's best to bring it up in the moment. Though not wanting to be a buzzkill did delay my response. Though just to be clear, when I bring things up to him, he doesn't make me feel like a buzzkill. I'm partially, too, like "again? Really? I have to say something again?"

Thank you SO much. That Is so helpful.