Marriage hell.....

I am very cautious about suggesting that someone I meet online (or IRL) should leave or divorce their partner without having full knowledge of what's going on, because many times leaving or divorcing can backfire if it's done prematurely.

I understand that you don't have children, but how long have you been married? When did all of this begin...before you married, after? Were you ever a drinker yourself?

Have you asked your wife if you may accompany her to an appointment with her therapist or other provider?

Perhaps she has a diagnosis of BPD - but perhaps she has bipolar disorder. Or schizoaffective disorder, or psychosis, or...?

Much of what you've described could fit the bipolar disorder category - and some people who have bipolar disorder actually do exhibit only mania. Alcoholism/addiction is extremely common with bipolar disorder - as it is with a number of mental illnesses. And/or PTSD.

My point is that none of us here can diagnose your wife. You cannot diagnose her. Only a mental health professional (or a couple of them) can make such a diagnosis.

You're clearly in an agonizing and traumatizing marriage. You are clearly very angry at your wife and the situation. Totally understandable, and I certainly get that. But before you jump the gun and leave I believe there are steps to take. What's going to happen if you leave and your wife begs you to return? What about being in therapy yourself?

btw, the "restraining order" threat is tossed around a lot. The unfortunate truth is that unless there are minor children involved, in my own experience the cops won't do jack if one spouse in a couple takes out a restraining order.

Another thought, however - I do not know the law about domestic violence in Nevada. Here in California there is a severe crack-down on it. If the police are called in and there is any evidence of physical abuse (nail scratches, for example) somebody will be arrested.

I'm usually all about working things out and seeing both points of view....that being said...some of the things you outline actually red flagged for me. I know this term is WAAAAY overused. And I'm not suggesting it is correct.......BUT......it sounds like you MIGHT be dealing with a sociopath. In that case, I'm so sorry but there is no saving that relationship. Even counseling tends not to work with them. IF again IF that is the case with her, I have read some things that suggest the inability to feel emotion is something they are born with and that lack of internal regulation leads to this behavior. I'm so sorry for all your pain.

It's starting to seem more and more like it. Right now I have a separate bank account, and a storage locker (which she is aware of but her name is NOT On it) to protect any assets I may own.


I got the storage locker today after she texted me an aggressive but more tactful than usual message about a lot of **** that I have brought up before - turning it around on me. She's now screaming "Divorce" at me as well. Well, I already have the paperwork done and written, and an application form for web filing to the 2nd district court. All I need is to figure out who to tap for a Resident Witness and I can file. It's just, I have issues of my own that cause that problem because I don't have any real friends I can rely on, I don't like getting close to people anymore and this marriage is the reason why.

It's extremely hard living at home right now. The door to the den is duct-taped together after the last time she went on a wrecking spree. She's damaged my mental health quite a bit as well as I'm starting to have a short fuse temper and I broke her guitar after she trashed the house (I built her a guitar, and she's not stopped talking about it since it happened). I'm starting to have bad issues with anger, anxiety, and have had a little suicidal ideation to go with it very recently. Everything feels to bleak right now when I'm there. I can't enjoy everything, I have to be on eggshells - she says the same about me, she would not have to be if she just left me alone. I have nowhere to go yet. I'm trying to save for another apartment - by myself, if possible.

She makes living with her worse because sometimes she's totally sweet and nice and it's like the times when everything was smooth sailing, and other times she's in the hallway throwing slurs at me, saying my mom did it with me or I did it with my mom, and how my mom wants me back home so bad (she doesn't and neither do I), about how her parents hate me, then they love me when she's happy. She paces the hallway off/on all night when she has these mean episodes, and while I'm numb to the words, I'm still bloody terrified and have my phone at ready to dial 911 if she ever tries breaking property again or tries to attack me. These episodes are followed up by her begging me to get back in bed with her because she "Can't sleep without me", so I do, and then she starts on tirades about my family and other people I used to know that I've either cut out of my life, or who left. But then there comes a point that she starts groggily attacking me in the middle of the night verbally about my family, friends, and she starts over with all the slurs and verbal abuse. So I move back to the den and blockade the door since it no longer latches to the frame anymore since she kicked it in.

She was supposed to be treated for this pacing and verbal abuse late at night as it was a part of why she got admitted to a psych ward a year ago, but I'm not sure she's honest with everyone about her diagnosis. Her parents knew about a sleep disorder and did ****-all about it for her as a kid, nor her endo which is a major aggregator for her behavior (her hormones go out of whack). Lately I thought she might have relapsed again but I can't find any alcohol in the house, and the "alcohol like" behavior now seems to be happening WITHOUT alcohol.


The toughest emotion is what I'm going through trying to process all this ****. On one hand, it's bittersweet, because I might finally get free of this mess and get to be alone again, where all the stresses, social headaches, nightmares, and hearsay of a married relationship will finally be gone. But on the other hand, I can't help but shed a tear for what once was. Once upon a time, she was actually a lovable person, but I just can't deal with it the way it is now. We were the "power couple" in our social circle, now people still THINK that but we've hidden our issues well.

A major trigger of all her crap is her friends. Her sister is married and has kids, we can't have em' and did not want em (But in some way she still does), her best friends are having affairs, getting divorced, and I have to listen to all this **** incessantly even though I don't care and deem it not our business. Any day something happens in one of these arenas...she's "triggered", and it's so stupid because one of the vectors is her parents who should know better. I feel like I'm sinking in a sea of immaturity and I want out. To make matters worse, my 73 year old Single mom decided to post all our personal and confidencial conversation on Facebook (hearsay but still) for the whole world to see.

So I'm suffering, struggling, I have nobody to vent to or discuss anything with except random professionals more interested in my money than finding a solution. I just want this all to be over.....in any way humanly possible.

To answer your question, a person can engage in toxic behaviors even when they are not actively consuming alcohol. This is called dry drunk behavior.

You sound like you have developed ptsd from dealing with such an unbalanced and unpredictable person. Yes! Alcoholics and addicts can get very mean and can get physical. Alcoholics can black out where they do not remember what they did while drunk.

People that develop alcohol addictions can have ADHD and Bipolar and ptsd and also have personality disorders. It’s common that they choose vodka thinking they won’t smell like booze and they even carry a flask in their purse often full of vodka they nip on at work.

I believe you! I believe you feel helpless and lost and alone. I have personally felt it myself. This is nothing you can fix. People die of alcoholism often in their fifties, some die younger.

The person they are most dishonest with is themselves.

Have you tried to attend any Alanon meetings? Often you can not only find support but people that know about resources you probably don’t know about.