Grieving my marriahe

It sounds like a good plan. Honestly to be comfortable you don’t even need a large place. It will be a safe and peaceful place. Grieving is very normal.

Will you be selling your house? Surely your wife is not in need of a large house if kids will live mostly with you. She could have two bedroom apartment and kids will stay in the other bedroom when visit her. Also I urge you to not buy property while not divorced yet. I think you should talk to a lawyer ASAP about best options

I'd like to buy, but I'll heed the advice given. I'll talk to a lawyer first.

Yes! It’s important you talk to a lawyer before making any big financial moves.

Smart move. It’s better to follow legal advice as I am not even sure you can buy property for yourself only if you are married. And it could become marital asset too.

Thanks for alerting me to that.

I spoke to my wife last night. Thankfully she is open to splitting finances immediately.

This feels so insane.

I’d still see a lawyer re buying property

It does feel insane but honestly staying in a turmoil and misery would feel more insane in a long run

There is nothing wrong with feeling out what a soon to be ex wants or may agree to. However, it’s very important that you get legal advice so that you have the proper legal documents drawn up to protect your interest. You never want to get into any scenario that is a he said she said battle. Any purchases you make before a divorce and legal agreement on property division can leave you discovering her claiming half of whatever you buy.

Again, no splitting of anything until you have someone representing you. Let's see what happens when the attorney gets involved.

Thanks everyone

Wow this is hard.

I still feel so crazy, and feel like it's not that bad, or it's all my fault.

At the slightest waiver or indication of regret, my kids lose it. They want out so bad.

Oldest said," One more time Dad, and I'm taking an "away" job with my union and you can figure this all put on your own." Second kid said, "as soon as I'm allowed to choose where I live I'm going to his house."

I LOVE this house. This was my forever home. The oldest took that away yesterday when he said," I've never had a family home. Please can we have a family home before I'm too old to make those memories." Then the 2nd said..... "Wow..... We could actually have friends over, and get a pet."

I am so deeply hooked on my wife. WTF.

Your children are over it. You need better professional help than you are getting, because for all the lip service you give about your children being important, everything about your words and actions says your wife is more important to you than they are.

If that’s the way it is, then tell them and they will know not to depend on you to help them.

RD, your wife doesn’t want a life with you, she is unhappy and that probably has nothing to do with you. Your sons are suffering from her emotional abuse. She also is an alcoholic and is still in that unhealthy loop of the Toxic behaviors.

Put your kids' welfare FIRST. They matter more than your misgivings over your marriage not working out and over the loss of a home you loved. You're blaming your oldest for taking your forever home away? It's because your wife is abusive to them and to you. Please do not blame your son for anything.

Your oldest is ready to abandon you and go his own way.

You are in love with a fantasy that is not reality. Face the reality head on and you will come down to the ground.

Your kids are forever. Not your house. “This was my forever home”. No it wasn’t. You wanted it to be but it never was. Your kids are forever though so think about what’s the priority here.

I'll say again.

I come on here to talk about my thoughts and feelings more than my actions.

I'm moving ahead with everything:
- spoke to work about time off and EFAP
- am looking for a home
- am prepping this house for a realtor assessment. House has been pressure washed, last of exterior renovations are done, and garage is cleaned out. Working on inside tomorrow
- have secured a lawyer
- have itemized my assets and joint assets
- have prepped all income records, all life insurance records, etc.
- have prepped notes and key points for lawyer
- got the kids to review things they have seen and remember. Found out one keeps a diary. I've kept a diary too.
- have set up separate bank account

This is still hard, in large part because she's been in my head so much for so many years.

Wish me luck. If you pray to anyone please say a word for me.

RDM

Sounds like a good plan. Just make sure you do nothing financial after you talk to a lawyer. Be safe

I'm pre approved for a mortgage, pending me submitting a separation agreement to the bank.

These are hard steps, and big steps taken quickly.

RDM

RD, I wish I had answers to all the questions swirling in your head and a way to make things less difficult for you and for your children. The only thing I can really offer is empathy. You are 100% right that divorce is hard. It's even harder when in your emotions and thoughts there are memories and dreams for something different than what is.

So my advice is simple. Take one day at a time. Each day will bring its own challenges and triumphs. Give yourself the benefit of your own patience and understanding. It may not feel like it now and it may seem impossible, but your thoughts and feelings will change. You won't be tormented by the upheaval and grief forever.

I took a long time to decide to divorce myself from an unhappy life and dysfunctional marriage. My life felt like it was spinning in a tornado in the beginning. My cousin was in rehab at the same time and he is the one who encouraged me to find healthier ways to deal with my emotions. I wasn't "addicted" but I was recovering from the unhealthy habit of not standing up for myself and tolerating abusive behavior all the while clinging to a made up shred of a fantasy. Al anon meetings and a good therapist are important to processing emotions and reconciling your thoughts. It takes time. Be kind and gentle with yourself and your kids. You will get through this.

My wife came home today and was really reasonable. She was angry but made a lot of coherent points.

She even apologized for something she said. I was surprised by that.

I don't mind arguing with her like that at all.

She was totally overwhelmed by how fast I'm moving on things. I went from agonizingly trying to make peace, to getting a lawyer, a realtor, a home assessment, looking for housing, and prepping the house for sale in a week. I told her I understood all of that, and that her head must be spinning, and that this must all be hard for her with working full time and her health issues too.

When something like that happens I feel like I'm crazy and that I've let this all escalate out of control in my own mind. That I've over exaggerated things to myself. And That I have to somehow make it all up to her and apologize for letting this escalate so much.

The same woman a few days ago outright refused to believe or acknowledge things the kids told her she did that hurt them.

WTF is wrong with my thinking?

It's probably normalcy bias. You've lived like this for so long that it's just normal to you. You won't see how crazy it was to live this way for so long until you've been standing outside it again for a few years.

I hope you keep up momentum on getting out - these changes you are making are amazing!

I've never heard of normalcy bias.

Thinking much bigger picture, I had an alcoholic binge drinking uncle I worked for as a teen. I often assumed a lot of responsibility for him in his business at times, sometimes for a couple of days at a time over a period of about five years, then stepped back into "normal" once he was sober.

Similarly, I had a parent who drank for blocks of time, maybe regularly for a few months, then would be sober in excess of a year, sometimes two years.

My oldest pointed all that out to me recently. I've always said I have a short memory, and a selective memory where I remember the good times. My wife could verbally shred me one night and I'd chalk it up to a bad night, then hang out and cuddle the next night.

During the good times, I frantically want do my part to secure them and sustain them.

RDM

An abusive person often becomes reasonable and friendly when they see the one that they are mistreating starting to slip away. If you are not already familiar with it, maybe look into the "cycle of abuse". If you were to step back from your plans, my expectation is that she would step back from being reasonable, and revert to being hostile.

You are making progress RD in that you are beginning to recognize how your exposure to a person who abuses/uses alcohol develops a pattern of behaviors that affect others adversely depending on their mood. That is why the abuse of alcohol IS a very narcissistic problem. There is a lack of self awareness in that how this disorder is unhealthy for others lacking the consideration of other people’s feelings. So if your wife happens to have a good day or a few good days others get to feel ok, yet that can change right? Wife is having a bad day so now everyone else has a bad day and look to hide away from the negative.

Often alcoholics decide they don’t have a problem if they can choose not to drink one night or a few days. Or, if they only have a couple drinks instead of several. This allows them to be in denial and continue with the loop that others around them are forced to deal with.

Your oldest is trying to get you to see this. And now you are starting to see it. When we love people that have this problem we often put up with the bad days waiting for those days when all seems well. This is something you unknowingly learned to live with growing up. It’s “familiar” and because of that you had not recognized the TOXIC.

You and your sons are not allowed to have boundaries. Life revolves around her. That’s unhealthy. I don’t think you know how to live without this kind of presence.

In addition to Bill's suggestion, which is a good one, perhaps look up trauma bond. This is exactly what the trauma bond does to someone. Through cycles of intermittent abuse and periodic positive reinforcement, the victim in their brain becomes "addicted" to wanting the good times again, and virtually will do anything to have them back. Abuse victims therefore have a very hard time leaving their abuser for just this reason. Also, the abuser brainwashes the victim into thinking it's their own fault.

She is good at making comments that hit at my weaknesses. I feel guilt readily, and will apologize for something quite quickly. But there is a "twist" to the things she says.

Examples:
- She has gotten angry at me for years. A few times when she physically crowded me, I put my hands on my hips and stood up straight. Another time she was very agitated and loud and went to storm out of our room. I stood in front of the door and said, "Just wait. Just wait. Can we talk and keep this away from the kids." She has told the kids about me doing this and using my size and strength to intimidate her, which I never intended. Years ago she told me my posture was physically intimidating so I immediately began to make it a point to move away from her and sit down, or even sit on the floor when she became angry. She's never let it go that my body positioning intimidated her at one time though. So, she hits me with that in an argument and I apologize for it immediately, since probably 8 years.

- I've encouraged the kids for years to support their mom, to forgive their mom because she wasn't herself due to illness or mental illness, to ask to spend time with her, to wait for her to come out of the bedroom to join us for movie night, etc. BUT, once in a while, I say something negative. Then I apologize and correct myself for saying that to the kids. My wife hits me with the negative examples she has heard, never acknowledging the hundreds and hundreds of other examples. Because I carry guilt for those weaknesses I apologize every time. I know I shouldn't have said so much to the kids, or spoken negatively about their mom.

I really am expected to be perfect in all my interactions, apologize forever for the times I'm not, and to understand and excuse the times she isn't kind to me.

RDM