[Rastana]

I am recently divorced for the 2nd time. He was my best friend, we are still friends now, but I still am overcoming the feeling of being emotionally abused by him.
Long story short, my 2nd husband had unresolved mental health issues for years. A couple brain injuries that seemed to have caused self awareness and anger problems his whole life. I noticed it and talked with him about it within the first year we were living together. We were together almost 8 years.
When certain things threw him off course, a change or just something he didn't like, he was angry and mean and never 'knew' he was doing it . Ultimately, I had to have him leave my home. I have 3 children from a previous marriage - whom were greatly affected by his actions and my decision not to break up for so much time. After 7 years of him refusing treatment, he finally did it but it was too little too late for me. I still don't really know what his 'diagnosis' is. He is medicated, doing better, living on his own.
To this day he truly believes he did not know what he was doing and apologizes constantly that he wouldn't have done it if he knew. That makes me feel horrible. But, he does not look at how he acted as a choice, like he was forced and had NO IDEA. Myself and my sons saw and felt the same thing from him. He never saw it, always denied it and basically told us we were making it up. And to this day, he still apologizes and says, "wow, I really wish I knew what I was doing. I never wanted this for you and the boys. " But how many times did I bring it to light? How many times did he deny it?
What the hardest thing to decipher is, was it abuse or was it is complete self-unawareness? Either way, it felt like abuse, intentional or not, it felt the same. And he will never understand or believe that, because he didn't know or intend on being mean or angry and have outbursts. That doesn't seem ok to me at all. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

[Yaowen]

Sorry that happened to you and your children. How awful.

I can only offer my own very fallible opinion.

My training is in ethics and so I have been taught that voluntariness is something that isn't always all or nothing. There are degrees of voluntariness.

However, I believe [and could be wrong] that unless a person has a complete break with reality as in a psychotic breakdown, there is always some voluntariness in human actions and therefore some amount of human responsibility.

Given that ethical idea, I think it is not reasonable for a person to claim to be totally not responsible for their actions. Mental illness can be profound and perhaps can reduce voluntariness and therefore responsibility down to 1% but 1% us still something voluntary and therefore something either praiseworthy or unpraiseworthy.

I can't claim to know your ex-husband's frame of mind moment to moment over the time period you were with him, but I believe that unless he was in a total and profound psychosis there must have been some elements of voluntariness in at least some of his actions, and therefore some responsibility.
Mental illness, diagnosed or undiagnosed, in my opinion, is not something that destroys human freedom completely except in exceptional cases.

One of the hardest things a human being can do is admit to blameworthy behavior. It is much easier to use the various determinisms of genetics, upbringing, social conditioning and other impediments to shift responsibility totally away from ourselves.

Sometimes a person with a fragile sense of self-esteem cannot bear to accept responsibility for actions but unless they are completely without conscience, I suspect they do experience things like guilt and shame.

I know from personal experience that sometimes guilt moves me to try hard to shift blame away from myself. Perhaps that is what your ex-husband is doing. It might be that his seeming lack of any remorse for what he did to you and your children springs from profound guilt.
In other words, he only denies all responsibility because deep down he feels profoundly responsible. People sometimes try to project the very opposite of what they feel. A person who feels cowardly may go to great lengths to project a macho image. A person who feels inferior may go out of their way to project an image of superiority.
Maybe that is what is happening here. Maybe your husband is trying to project an image of total innocence because he feels profoundly guilty. What do you think?

Perhaps there will come a time when your husband will be able to take at least some responsibility for his actions.

An insightful, mature and thoughtful person would be able to look at himself or herself with some objectivity and see that they are not just a machine and that while there may be extenuating circumstances for their behavior, they still have some responsibility even if minimal.

In the meantime, to have some peace of mind, you might want to consider seeing your ex-husbands attempts to shift all blame away from himself as a sign that perhaps he feels great guilt and shame that he cannot bring himself to admit.

Psychologists say that there are true sociopaths, individuals without empathy and conscience. Sometimes such individuals end up in the criminal justice system at some point. I am not a psychologist so I don't know too much about that.

It would be nice if your ex-husband apologized to you and your children for the abuse he inflicted upon you, but I don't know if such a thing will happen.

So sorry that I do not know how to be helpful to you in this matter. If I was in your shoes I think I would think and feel exactly as you do!

[AzulOscuro]

I would also do it what you do.
He has to take responsibility, wether he was psychotic or not.
Also he should have told you what’s his diagnosis and keep going with a therapist.
It would be also a good idea to visit a neurologist. It’s very important to know which area or areas of the brain were damaged.

Is he trying you to come back with him? And how are your kids now? Are they coping well?

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by Yaowen

Sorry that happened to you and your children. How awful.

I can only offer my own very fallible opinion.

My training is in ethics and so I have been taught that voluntariness is something that isn't always all or nothing. There are degrees of voluntariness.

However, I believe [and could be wrong] that unless a person has a complete break with reality as in a psychotic breakdown, there is always some voluntariness in human actions and therefore some amount of human responsibility.

Given that ethical idea, I think it is not reasonable for a person to claim to be totally not responsible for their actions. Mental illness can be profound and perhaps can reduce voluntariness and therefore responsibility down to 1% but 1% us still something voluntary and therefore something either praiseworthy or unpraiseworthy.

I can't claim to know your ex-husband's frame of mind moment to moment over the time period you were with him, but I believe that unless he was in a total and profound psychosis there must have been some elements of voluntariness in at least some of his actions, and therefore some responsibility.
Mental illness, diagnosed or undiagnosed, in my opinion, is not something that destroys human freedom completely except in exceptional cases.

One of the hardest things a human being can do is admit to blameworthy behavior. It is much easier to use the various determinisms of genetics, upbringing, social conditioning and other impediments to shift responsibility totally away from ourselves.

Sometimes a person with a fragile sense of self-esteem cannot bear to accept responsibility for actions but unless they are completely without conscience, I suspect they do experience things like guilt and shame.

I know from personal experience that sometimes guilt moves me to try hard to shift blame away from myself. Perhaps that is what your ex-husband is doing. It might be that his seeming lack of any remorse for what he did to you and your children springs from profound guilt.
In other words, he only denies all responsibility because deep down he feels profoundly responsible. People sometimes try to project the very opposite of what they feel. A person who feels cowardly may go to great lengths to project a macho image. A person who feels inferior may go out of their way to project an image of superiority.
Maybe that is what is happening here. Maybe your husband is trying to project an image of total innocence because he feels profoundly guilty. What do you think?

Perhaps there will come a time when your husband will be able to take at least some responsibility for his actions.

An insightful, mature and thoughtful person would be able to look at himself or herself with some objectivity and see that they are not just a machine and that while there may be extenuating circumstances for their behavior, they still have some responsibility even if minimal.

In the meantime, to have some peace of mind, you might want to consider seeing your ex-husbands attempts to shift all blame away from himself as a sign that perhaps he feels great guilt and shame that he cannot bring himself to admit.

Psychologists say that there are true sociopaths, individuals without empathy and conscience. Sometimes such individuals end up in the criminal justice system at some point. I am not a psychologist so I don't know too much about that.

It would be nice if your ex-husband apologized to you and your children for the abuse he inflicted upon you, but I don't know if such a thing will happen.

So sorry that I do not know how to be helpful to you in this matter. If I was in your shoes I think I would think and feel exactly as you do!

Marvellous post! 👏

[Open Eyes]

Don’t focus on abuse. Whatever contributed to his bad behavior traumatized you and you finally made the right choice to end the marriage.

[Rastana]

Thank you all for your kind words and concern. He has apologized profusely to me and my boys. That does not change the fact that we are still divorcing and not getting back together. We both have agreed that he will always have these problems, especially if he doesn't get into different types of therapy related to his illnesses and brain trauma. He works so much right now he is not allowing himself time for therapy again like he did before. I will continue to go to therapy until it is not needed. So far it has been very helpful to me for the past year.
I also agree about the shifting blame thing, I saw that a lot. When he brings it up again I really just need to tell him to to discuss it any further. There is no point anymore. Nothing left to resolve. Thank you all again. It is nice to have others listen.

[AzulOscuro]

Good luck for you and your kids!

[Rive.]

But, he does not look at how he acted as a choice

THIS is problematic. He might not have 'intended' to harm but he did cause pain and he CHOSE to ignore the concerns you brought up. To this day, he is still in denial and abdicating any responsibility in how his actions hurt you / the family.

It was a choice. It was HIS choice. He may not initially have been aware but he heard you and yet, still chose to not give a damn and let his anger loose.

There is nothing to feel guilty about. He did know and he chose not to do anything about it.

[Rastana]

Originally Posted by Rive.

THIS is problematic. He might not have 'intended' to harm but he did cause pain and he CHOSE to ignore the concerns you brought up. To this day, he is still in denial and abdicating any responsibility in how his actions hurt you / the family.

It was a choice. It was HIS choice. He may not initially have been aware but he heard you and yet, still chose to not give a damn and let his anger loose.

There is nothing to feel guilty about. He did know and he chose not to do anything about it.

Thank you. I shouldn't feel guilty and it is in fact HIS choice to ignore and deny reality. I think that has been the most annoying part for me. It was his choice to completely and totally ignore what was actually going on. That WE were NOT making any of it up.

[AliceKate]

Brain injouries can be detrimental. There are cases of severe shifts in personality cause by injouries to the brain. Regardless, you are doing the right thing. Your responsibility is to your kids and to yourself. Even if he CANNOT heal or become self-aware, it is not your duty to suffer because of it. You are doing the right thing and you are a marvellous person if you are still friends with him.

[Have Hope]

It's NOT a lack of self awareness. When you bring his behavior to his attention, that's when he should have become aware. But he denied it each time you mentioned it, which IS abuse. Denial is a form of abuse. And, he DOES have control over what he says to you - we all have control over what we say. It IS emotional and verbal abuse you have experienced.

My abusive husband (whom I am divorcing) tries to claim that he loses all control when he says mean things. Abusers deliberately abuse. Nothing is out of their control.

[Rastana]

Thank you. The brain injury was what made it hard. Things happen to the brain, HOWEVER, that does not excuse crappy behavior and total denial. It is nice to hear that I am correct to think it was abuse and not solely brain stuff. That is what I have been struggling with. But, the relationship is over and me time has begun!

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Yaowen

Sorry that happened to you and your children. How awful.

I can only offer my own very fallible opinion.

My training is in ethics and so I have been taught that voluntariness is something that isn't always all or nothing. There are degrees of voluntariness.

However, I believe [and could be wrong] that unless a person has a complete break with reality as in a psychotic breakdown, there is always some voluntariness in human actions and therefore some amount of human responsibility.

Given that ethical idea, I think it is not reasonable for a person to claim to be totally not responsible for their actions. Mental illness can be profound and perhaps can reduce voluntariness and therefore responsibility down to 1% but 1% us still something voluntary and therefore something either praiseworthy or unpraiseworthy.

I can't claim to know your ex-husband's frame of mind moment to moment over the time period you were with him, but I believe that unless he was in a total and profound psychosis there must have been some elements of voluntariness in at least some of his actions, and therefore some responsibility.
Mental illness, diagnosed or undiagnosed, in my opinion, is not something that destroys human freedom completely except in exceptional cases.

One of the hardest things a human being can do is admit to blameworthy behavior. It is much easier to use the various determinisms of genetics, upbringing, social conditioning and other impediments to shift responsibility totally away from ourselves.

Sometimes a person with a fragile sense of self-esteem cannot bear to accept responsibility for actions but unless they are completely without conscience, I suspect they do experience things like guilt and shame.

I know from personal experience that sometimes guilt moves me to try hard to shift blame away from myself. Perhaps that is what your ex-husband is doing. It might be that his seeming lack of any remorse for what he did to you and your children springs from profound guilt.
In other words, he only denies all responsibility because deep down he feels profoundly responsible. People sometimes try to project the very opposite of what they feel. A person who feels cowardly may go to great lengths to project a macho image. A person who feels inferior may go out of their way to project an image of superiority.
Maybe that is what is happening here. Maybe your husband is trying to project an image of total innocence because he feels profoundly guilty. What do you think?

Perhaps there will come a time when your husband will be able to take at least some responsibility for his actions.

An insightful, mature and thoughtful person would be able to look at himself or herself with some objectivity and see that they are not just a machine and that while there may be extenuating circumstances for their behavior, they still have some responsibility even if minimal.

In the meantime, to have some peace of mind, you might want to consider seeing your ex-husbands attempts to shift all blame away from himself as a sign that perhaps he feels great guilt and shame that he cannot bring himself to admit.

Psychologists say that there are true sociopaths, individuals without empathy and conscience. Sometimes such individuals end up in the criminal justice system at some point. I am not a psychologist so I don't know too much about that.

It would be nice if your ex-husband apologized to you and your children for the abuse he inflicted upon you, but I don't know if such a thing will happen.

So sorry that I do not know how to be helpful to you in this matter. If I was in your shoes I think I would think and feel exactly as you do!

Great post