[Windowlessroom14]

After a very bad argument my boyfriend shouted at me “I could have [had sex] with three different women at [yesterdays] concert but I had to come home to you”

I have a history of exes who’ve cheated on me and I never suspected him to be that type of guy. We’ve been together three years and he’s never once made me feel suspicious.

I immediately burst into tears and that was the end of the fight. But since then I’ve noticed something that makes me very uneasy.

It’s the opposite of telltale cheating signs. I was never compelled to go through his phone or dig through his things. I never had a reason and most importantly I don’t want to invade his privacy.

But I knew his phone passcode since we’ve been together was very long and consisted of letters only. It’s not like I tired to figure it out it just always took him a good minute to unlock his phone. He recently changed it to a five digit numerical code. Again I’m not looking to catch it I just noticed.

Almost strategically he is leaving his phone unlocked and walking away. It’s not like he was the type to be super secretive. He would never pull away if I glanced over but this is different. He will have his phone completely unlocked and go use the bathroom.

I feel like this is a set up. I refuse to touch his phone no matter how insecure I feel especially thinking back to what he said. He wants me to go through his phone. What he wants me to see is another thing. But I know he’s plotting. And I don’t know what to do about it.

This has been going about for a week now and it’s getting ridiculous. He’s leaving his phone out and unlocked while using the bathroom! No one goes to the bathroom without their phone!

Should I say something? And if so what? I really don’t want to snoop so that is not an option but what can I do to acknowledge this bizarre behavior?

[CANDC]

@Windowlessroom14 Welcome to MSF My Support Forums. I am sorry things are not going smoothly with your boyfriend.

If you are content with how things are, what use is it to unlock his phone and possibly find something you do not want to know?

If things are not good in your mind, is finding out dirt about your boyfriend going to make things better or worse, especially if you get angry? I think my basic instinct is not to get angry no matter what happens. That has helped me heal some broken relationships sometimes or at least stopped me from escalating fights.

What if your boyfriend is just setting you up to catch you going through your phone? He sounds very angry. Why pull the tiger's tail and get him in a fury?

If this was happening to me I would start thinking about a safety plan or a backup plan or a "What if ..." in case things get bad with boyfriend. It never hurts to be prepared. What hurts me is to be totally blindsided without any idea what to do if something happens in a relationship.

Maybe things will even out with your boyfriend, but your intuition seems to say that things are getting strange and they are not behaving as usual.

Glad you joined the MSF community @CANDC

[unaluna]

Oh - i dont take my phone to the bathroom unless i am doing grocery shopping and dont want to make my shopper wait for an answer! Im afraid it will fall in the terlet.

[divine1966]

I don’t see any need to take my phone to the bathroom? I mean I might sometimes but who even pays attention to it? I don’t know if my husband took his phone to the bathroom or left it laying around the house. I don’t know and don’t care if it’s locked or unlocked. How do you even know? The fact that you are paying attention tells me that things just aren’t good between you two.

[divine1966]

I had to add that locked or unlocked phone is the least of the problems here. His statement that he could have sex with all these women (who has sex at the concerts? And with strangers?) is a big red flag and shouldn’t be ignored. Inappropriate to say the least

[Mendingmysoul]

Does he always leave his phone like this or is it new behaviour that you noticed? I never take my phone to bathroom.But I do lock it if I am somewhere else other than my own home.May be he is very trusting of you.Or maybe he doesn't have any secrets to hide ,even if you snoop around.Ofcourse his statement about three women and sex was inappropriate.

[Windowlessroom14]

To everyone commenting about not taking their phone to the bathroom: that’s fine but he always did. That’s the change in behavior I was commenting on. I understand it wasn’t too clear in my initial post, but he always took his phone with him in any room he went including the bathroom. We living in a studio like set up so the only place with real privacy is the bathroom.

Also they way he is leaving his phone is getting more and more obvious. Like he will set next to me fully unlocked and in clear view and go off to do something. He used to keep it in his pocket or at least near.

Today he literally placed it in front of me unlocked and said “I’m going to the bathroom” and walked away. I went to another part of the room and sat down. That’s odd for anyone.

[Open Eyes]

His comment about other women coming on to him and how he could cheat is a red flag. IMO he is an insecure person.

[Windowlessroom14]

How should I bring this up again? Like everyone can unanimously agree his comment on the women at the concert are a major red flag.

This weird behavior all started because of what he said. I don’t know how to even start to bring it up. Any suggestions?

[divine1966]

Ask him. I see no point of guessing why people do what they do. Just ask him about change in behavior.

[Marie123]

Saying he didn't sleep with other women? How childish. So you are supposed to be grateful for not doing that? You can't control other people and he is going to do what he wants to.

[Have Hope]

Wow, ok, RED FLAG. His comment that he could have had sex with three different women, but came home to you instead. WTF is that about? What, you're supposed to be grateful? Why would he even say this to you, and what prompted him to say this? What is the context in which he made this comment?

I would be wary at this stage, honestly. That comment would make me think he is either cheating already or is thinking of cheating.

And I agree - your gut instinct is right on. There's something fishy going on with this change in behavior regarding his phone. Perhaps he WANTS you to look and perhaps he WANTS to either get caught, or to be able to blame you for snooping and cause a fight or a breakup. Either way, it's fishy and it's manipulative.

I don't like the sounds of this. It wreaks of something that is amiss and off in the relationship.

[Windowlessroom14]

We were fighting because he was upset I hadn’t been able to get groceries that week. I told him I was sorry but I was exhausted with work and the housekeeping and chores have had to take the back burner. He was hungry and upset and so was I. After said fight we cooled off and went grocery shopping together.

I feel like it is very much a set up but I don’t think he’s wanting to get caught. I think he’s made it so easy for me to get in and look through his phone. So much so that I could go through his pictures, texts, etc. and find nothing because IF he did they’re all gone now.

But again this is just a theory and I wish I didn’t have to think of it. But he did it to himself by saying that! I found out my ex was cheating because he was showing me a video on his phone and an inappropriate picture and comment popped up. My current boyfriend knows this.

I should also add besides the weirdness with the phone he’s actually been very nice and more affectionate. Again it seems only off for him because of circumstance. Do you think he’s trying to cover his butt because he lied about the three women thing and is regretful?

Yes that last question is wishful thinking. I’ve been with this man for three years and I love him very much.

[Nammu]

Sounds like you are pushing buttons and accusing him of things he has not done. You pushed him so far he finally said look, if I was going to sleep with others I had the opportunity to do so, and I didn’t. You continued to push the issue so now he’s trying to prove to you , you have no reason to be so suspicious. He’s giving you chances to see he hasn’t done anything. Instead you are make an issue out of it. You need to see a therapist and work on your trust issues. Tell him lovingly that he no longer needs to prove anything to you. That you are going to step up and be accountable for your lack of trust by seeing someone for it.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Sounds like you are pushing buttons and accusing him of things he has not done. You pushed him so far he finally said look, if I was going to sleep with others I had the opportunity to do so, and I didn’t. You continued to push the issue so now he’s trying to prove to you , you have no reason to be so suspicious. He’s giving you chances to see he hasn’t done anything. Instead you are make an issue out of it. You need to see a therapist and work on your trust issues. Tell him lovingly that he no longer needs to prove anything to you. That you are going to step up and be accountable for your lack of trust by seeing someone for it.

Where in her post is she accusing him and where in her post is she pushing his buttons? I don't see this at all.

She's been cheated on more than once. He possibly is cheating on her or wants to cheat, given his comment, though we do not know anything or what his intentions are in making that comment.

It's offensive to say go work on your trust issues with a therapist. It's not her fault she's been cheated on in the past, and she has not had trust issues with this man thus far, as stated in the OP, until his recent comment, which is certainly suspect.

[Rive.]

More than leaving his phone locked or unlocked (and yes, you could ask him what his game is when he dangles his unlocked phone in front of your nose)

THIS

“I could have [had sex] with three different women at [yesterdays] concert but I had to come home to you”

is very concerning. How noble of him not to sleep with other people. Does he want a medal for his self-restraint?! That is a pathetic comment for him to throw at you & I would question that. Is he staying with you out of pity or obligation then? Deal-breaker.

[Windowlessroom14]

The very next time he leaves his phone out in such a way, I will ask him right then and there, why is he doing this so much.

I’m still trying to unravel why he said that. I assure you all that there hasn’t been one mention of cheating or attempts at cheating in the three years we have been together up until this point.

That’s the entire point of this post. I am asking for help in processing and building a way to help me address this situation.

[Mendingmysoul]

Looks like he wants a big applause and a standing ovation from you for his self restraint. Insecure guy.Do you feel like you are walking on egg shells in this relationship apart from the phone thing?

[Open Eyes]

👏🏽👏🏽 Lol, standing ovation. @Mendingmysoul.

[divine1966]

He’s mad you didn’t buy groceries? Is he your boss? He could buy groceries just the same. It’s not like you moped on a couch all week watching tv. You work, so either one of you or both could buy groceries.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Windowlessroom14

The very next time he leaves his phone out in such a way, I will ask him right then and there, why is he doing this so much.

I’m still trying to unravel why he said that. I assure you all that there hasn’t been one mention of cheating or attempts at cheating in the three years we have been together up until this point.

That’s the entire point of this post. I am asking for help in processing and building a way to help me address this situation.

One thing to be aware of - just because cheating hasn't been brought up, doesn't mean that it is not a factor or consideration. He made a very odd comment about sex with other women - he either was wishing that he could have that night, or that he's thinking about it and wants to, imho. Why else make such a comment? It's also most arrogant of him to say.

[Have Hope]

@Windowlessroom14, I hope you weren't scared away. How can we be of help and support you?

[Tart Cherry Jam]

Originally Posted by divine1966

He’s mad you didn’t buy groceries? Is he your boss? He could buy groceries just the same. It’s not like you moped on a couch all week watching tv. You work, so either one of you or both could buy groceries.

I agree. @Windowlessroom14 I understand that what prompted you to open the thread is his comment about his self-restraint, a comment that was out of character for him, but the inequity in the relationship stood out from your subsequent post. You were doing chores, you were working, you contributed to the relationship in so many ways, and yet he got angry because on top of those other contributions you also should buy groceries in his book.