[Humpty Dumpty]

I'm not sure what all I'm going to say but I do plan on talking about things I've never talked to anyone about. This is the reason I say I am worthless piece of trash.

My wife and I have been married for 18 years. Around 4 years ago roughly (I'm not good with time/dates) I was caught having multiple affairs & having an online girlfriend. My wife and I always said that only a piece of trash would do that. Then I went and did it.

I can't tell you why. My online girlfriend who we will refer to Karen from here out, made me feel special. She understood what I was going through (nervous breakdown) & understood how bad mental hospitals can be. She just started out as a support person for me, but over time things changed. We grew closer, talked about things we shouldn't have. We made plans to meet, but she got sick and passed out as she was loading her car. So she went to the hospital rather than driving probably 10+ hours to come see me. That was the closest we ever came to meeting in person.

During the time I was talking with Karen I hooked up with other people. I don't know why I did. A therapist might say something along the lines of you were just trying to fill an empty hole. I don't know how much truth would be in that. Regardless it doesn't make it right.

Then my wife found out & long story short she decided to stay with me and try to work things out. We both went to counseling. She knew I didn't want to do counseling because I don't trust anyone, but it was "either goto counseling or we're done." I don't do well when talking about myself so I never really got into why I truly was there. After all I didn't trust my T not to use the info against me in some way. So I didn't see him for that many sessions before I acted like I was all better and got "cleared".

Now fast forward to today and I love my wife. I love her more than anything else in this world & I feel horrible for what I did. The problem I am having right now is she doesn't make me feel special. It's not from a lack of trying either. She does a lot to try to make me feel special and wanted. I guess the biggest problem is I don't believe her. I have brought this upto her before, and it just leads to an argument. "Are you saying I'm lying? You basically calling me a lier." Through our entire relationship she's never lied to me. And I don't believe she's lying to me.

"Well what can she do?" That's the problem I don't know. She tells me frequently she loves me. Calls me babe and honey never using my actual name. I don't know what to do. I feel like there's nothing that can be done. I feel like I deserve this after what I did to her.

[Soul Quake]

She took you back even after you cheated on her numerous times. She uses terms of endearment, verbalizes her love for you, and is truthful. What more can this woman do? Are you only capable of feeling special when other women are involved?


You need to do some soul searching. You can't even come to a conclusion as to why you cheated in the first place. Seems as though your insecurities are to blame here rather than your wife's lack of effort. She's putting work into this relationship. What are you doing?

[Rive.]

What can "she" do? The problem is not with her or what she can do. The problem lies in what you can do and what you are actively doing about it. You are not willing to work on your own issues. Worse, you are not even honest and were pretending "I acted like I was all better and got "cleared"".

Until and unless you are willing to work on your own issues and what is happening with you (e.g. the compulsion to seek multiple affairs from partners other than your wife, your inability to trust, your inability to feel loved) you will never be emotionally satisfied in any relationship.

It's not enough for you to say you love her. Words are cheap. Instead, look at what your actions are actually showing her.

You are very lucky that your wife decided to stay with you. If you want to save the relationship, I would advise you to work on yourself, otherwise she will be fed up to keep giving in what seems a one-sided relationship where your wife does all the work - knowing she is the one who was betrayed by you in the first place.

[Skeezyks]

Thanks for posting this. I've read a few of your previous posts. So, although we don't know one another, I feel like I have at least a cursory idea of where you're coming from. (Perhaps I'm wrong, though? If so, please forgive me.) I will tell you I'm not in a position to be judgmental here because, many years ago, I got myself into similar circumstances. (I'll spare you the details.) I mention this only as a way of letting you know you're not alone.

I do agree with the other repliers that what needs to happen here is you need to get to the bottom of what's really going on with you... what's causing you to have that empty hole you mentioned. (That's easy for me to say I know, since I never did it. But, then, you don't want to follow in my footsteps. They don't lead anywhere you want to go.)

You mentioned not wanting to talk about yourself and not trusting the T you saw. I can relate to that. I suspect a lot of (if not most) men feel that way. I certainly have. But unfortunately, so far as I'm aware, it's about the only way to sort all of this out. Of course, you have to find a therapist you feel comfortable with and have confidence in. And finding that particular T can take some time & effort. Part of the problem you had with your previous experience, I suspect, was the circumstances you were in dictated who you saw rather than you searching for, and finding, a T you really felt comfortable with. That, to my mind, is a prescription for failure.

You ended your post by saying you feel there's nothing that can be done and that you deserve this after what you did. Despair plus guilt and shame adds up to a toxic brew, one that may ultimately lead to the loss of the person you wrote you love more than anything else in this world. Yes, what happened, happened. And, yes, it was bad. But it's over and done. Now is the time to recognize the circumstances you're in and take positive action to bring it to a (hopefully) happy (or at least satisfactory) conclusion. Your wife can't make that happen for you. Best wishes...

[Marie123]

Perhaps you should go back to therapy. Ethical t's don't use your information and share it with anyone. Pretending to be "cleared" is a mistake, I think being honest, is the only way to work through your "stuff."

Communication is essential; if you wish she would use your name......tell her.

[Tart Cherry Jam]

A common thread in your post is that you did not trust the therapist and you do not believe the wife. And at the same time you lied to the wife saying it was all cleared when it was not. Could it be that you, as a person who says things that are not true, cannot trust others because you expect them to say things that are not true?