[thetanager]

Over 50 years. I never wanted anyone but my wife. i haven't been hugged in over 20 years. I am grateful she managed the home while I worked for 43 years. The dreams she had for us have been lost even after I retired 9 years ago. I must undertake activities alone (golf, travel, exercise, cooking, etc.). I suffer from an inherited depression and am on meds and cognitive therapy. I miss the closeness of doing things together. No laughter just sleep, telephones, and TV. Anyone else out there in this situation?

[poshgirl]

Very sorry to hear about your situation.

Have not experienced this directly, but know of many who have lost the closeness they previously enjoyed.

There are several reasons why this happens. It's very sad because a hug is such a simple gesture of affection.

[Soupe du jour]

A 50+ year marriage shows quite a commitment to each other. I'm sorry, though, that you feel that many things are missing in your relationship, and in your life. As for the lack of hugs, have you asked her for any these past 20 years? Do you even want any from her? You mention that you have an inherited depression, but I'd wonder if your wife is a bit depressed, too. Being alone, emotionally, sounds very sad and unfulfilling. I guess if you (both) don't feel unfulfilled, then you'd be on the same page. But by writing your post, I can't help but think you want more. Have you thought about couple's therapy? Do you think that despite your age you may enjoy finding a DIFFERENT companion? If the answer to the last question is yes, a change could be worth exploring. You're never too old to find fun and fulfilling companionship.

This May, my husband and I will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary. I gotta say that I've wanted to be with him the whole entire time, despite little fights and some things that are less than ideal. And the latter do exist for most. I know we must weigh things out in relationships. To me, though, if there was no more than just being supported financially, or having someone to cook and clean, it would not be enough. I'd rather be poor"er" and happy than comfortable financially and not.

[Britedark]

Is it possible for you to initiate a hug? I don't mean force her. Just surprise her by putting on nice clothes and slapping on a bit of cologne, and showing up at your doorstep with a bunch of flowers. Maybe take her out for dinner, hold her hand, and then a hug if she is willing? Or is that sort of thing totally out of the question?

[*Beth*]

Hi thetanager, I heard a comedy routine on the radio a few days ago. The comedian said something about if marriage was like buying a used car, would we do it? "Well, it runs pretty well...has it its good days and bad days, but..."

Anyway, the routine was pretty amusing.

My husband and I have been together for 42 years. I never wanted to marry anyone and I wish I had followed my instincts. That said, I love being a mom and I was a good wife, until my husband was so neglectful of our relationship he killed my love for him. We haven't lived together for many years. We seemed to have remained dear friends, although for this past year I'm feeling that there's less of a friendship than there used to be. He neglects friendship just the way he neglected marriage. It's always what's convenient for him, what makes his life nicer. I wish I would have had the courage and self-confidence to divorce my husband 23 years ago. But, my life's story isn't finished yet.

What do you think the main problems in your marriage are?