[Britedark]

Warning: The entire post might be a trigger for some of you

Hello my friends! Been a while since I posted here. I recently had a bizarre experience and I am sorely in need of some perspective from you.
For those who don’t know or remember me, I
am a 41 year old single woman. I have a social group I hang out with. It is a mixed group of single and married people – old school friends – but spouses are not included.

During recent hangouts I talked a bit with a married friend, and was slightly attracted to him, but there was nothing more to it. He asked me out for lunch one day. I said ok, let’s go to X restaurant. He said “I was thinking Y restaurant.” I said ok, I’ll be there at 12. He said “no, I’ll pick you up on the way”.

He picked me up and said 12 was too early for lunch so why don’t we hang out a bit at his place? I said yes out of politeness, since he was a friend and I trusted him, maybe? That was mistake no. 1. We go to his place and talk for some time. I suggest we get moving but he keeps stalling. He keeps pestering me to have a drink with him. I kept refusing but in the end I relented and asked him to make me a small one. Mistake no. 2.

I don’t know whether the drink was stiff or whether it was because I drank on an empty stomach but I began to feel drowsy just after a few sips. That was when he kissed me. I didn’t push him away but kissed him back (maybe because I was slightly attracted to him?). He moved us to his bed. I felt very happy because I was sleepy, and here was a bed! But he didn’t let me sleep and kept kissing me. Then I felt him lift up my top and grope me. This somewhat brought me to my senses.

Now his house was a little far off from town and I depended on him for the ride back. Besides, I don’t know why but I thought “If I push him off and he gets angry and kills me and dumps me somewhere nobody will ever know”. So I decided to sweet talk him out of it. I said “You are a handsome guy and if we go any further I might fall in love with you. That won’t be fun for you since you have a wife” etc. He keeps convincing me otherwise but I kept saying "no" over and over. I kept pushing his hands away from my body until I sufficiently recovered my senses, shoved him off entirely and got off the bed.

He then orders some takeaway. We eat and then he finally takes his car out. He extends his hand towards me on the way back and I comply so as not to upset him. He says he will someday take me to a plush hotel where we can spend the night and I agree, while vowing never to talk to him once I reach a safe place. In the end I see the familiar sights and almost stumble out of his car.

This was a few days ago and I am very confused. I feel outraged and violated but -
1. He didn’t forcefully take me to his place, I agreed to his suggestion voluntarily
2. He didn’t shove the drink down my throat, I gave in to his pestering
3. When he kissed me I didn’t shove him off at first and kissed him back
4. He didn’t try to force me once I got off the bed and made it clear that I didn’t wish to sleep with him

I dunno, maybe my people skills are poor? But I am not exactly a teenager and these things aren’t supposed to happen at 41, right? Maybe I should have been a lot more forthright? I feel disgusted by his actions, but am I overreacting? I don’t know how to behave with him at our next group meet. Continue like nothing happened? Is that the mature way to be?

[AceRimmer]

I would call the cops. It sounds like he might have drugged you. The cops could find any drugs he might be using. It's also possible other women have filed complaints. A few sips shouldn't make you that sleepy. I have had women try to get me drunk or give me benzos. I said yes to a small amount of wine once, but when I got a bit dizzy and she started to tell me to drink more I left.

[Britedark]

Originally Posted by AceRimmer

I would call the cops. It sounds like he might have drugged you. The cops could find any drugs he might be using. It's also possible other women have filed complaints. A few sips shouldn't make you that sleepy. I have had women try to get me drunk or give me benzos. I said yes to a small amount of wine once, but when I got a bit dizzy and she started to tell me to drink more I left.

Thank you for the kind reply. Is it really ok for me to call the cops? I don't have any proof that he drugged me, and I don't want to get into a he said she said drama...I mean I really have no proof of anything at all...

[AceRimmer]

Originally Posted by Britedark

Thank you for the kind reply. Is it really ok for me to call the cops? I don't have any proof that he drugged me, and I don't want to get into a he said she said drama...I mean I really have no proof of anything at all...

It's the cop's job to investigate. You have a reasonable suspicion that you were drugged and maybe even sexually assaulted. It depends on the laws in your state. If he kept groping you after you said no I would count that as a sexual assault. Is he really married?

[RockyRoad007]

Yes, you were violated.

If I were you, I would do a couple of things.
Go to your doctor and get a drug test for known sedating drugs, or for so-called "date rape" drugs.
Also, if you are reluctant to have the police investigate it, you can phone and state you want to report your experience with this man so they have a record of it.

If he's done it once, there is a high chance he's done it before, or will do it again in the future. That way, if someone else reports him for drugging and sexual assault, they will see he has been reported before. The next person may take more than a few sips, and be unconscious while he sexually assaults them.

Third, next time you see him, ask him what he put in your drink. He may deny putting anything in there, but he'll know you're onto him.

[divine1966]

Yes you were violated and yes you need a police report and see a doctor ASAP. I am very sorry.

[Britedark]

Originally Posted by AceRimmer

It's the cop's job to investigate. You have a reasonable suspicion that you were drugged and maybe even sexually assaulted. It depends on the laws in your state. If he kept groping you after you said no I would count that as a sexual assault. Is he really married?

He is married. I know his wife through social media. Thanks a lot for your advice. Really, thank you.

[Britedark]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Yes you were violated and yes you need a police report and see a doctor ASAP. I am very sorry.

Thank you for the support. I'll do both.

[Britedark]

Originally Posted by RockyRoad007

Yes, you were violated.

If I were you, I would do a couple of things.
Go to your doctor and get a drug test for known sedating drugs, or for so-called "date rape" drugs.
Also, if you are reluctant to have the police investigate it, you can phone and state you want to report your experience with this man so they have a record of it.

If he's done it once, there is a high chance he's done it before, or will do it again in the future. That way, if someone else reports him for drugging and sexual assault, they will see he has been reported before. The next person may take more than a few sips, and be unconscious while he sexually assaults them.

Third, next time you see him, ask him what he put in your drink. He may deny putting anything in there, but he'll know you're onto him.

Thanks a lot for your advice. I will see a doctor and make a report. It has been a few days but they should be able to find traces I guess. Thank you so much for the validation. It really means a lot to me. Thank you.

[divine1966]

His wife might need to know what’s going on. Does she know he gets into these things with other women? Not talking about drugs as we don’t have evidence yet but other stuff. She might not be safe with him. I’d certainly need to know if I ever was with a man who does these kind of things with other women while married

[Britedark]

Originally Posted by divine1966

His wife might need to know what’s going on. Does she know he gets into these things with other women? Not talking about drugs as we don’t have evidence yet but other stuff. She might not be safe with him. I’d certainly need to know if I ever was with a man who does these kind of things with other women while married

I understand your concern. I don’t know his wife personally, only through his social media account. So I am not sure how much she knows. Even if she doesn't know, there is no reason for her to trust my words over her husband's. As you can see nothing "happened" so he can plainly twist the story or even deny everything and paint me as delusional or whatever. So I am really unsure about how to bring his behaviour to her notice. But I thank you for your concern all the same.

[AceRimmer]

Originally Posted by Britedark

Thanks a lot for your advice. I will see a doctor and make a report. It has been a few days but they should be able to find traces I guess. Thank you so much for the validation. It really means a lot to me. Thank you.

They won't be able to find any of the drug in your urine if he used GBH. They might be able to find it in a hair sample.

[Rose76]

I'm sorry you went through such a frightening experience, but glad nothing worse happened to you. Chalk this up as a learning experience.

A social group where "spouses are not included" does not sound like a wholesome gathering. I could see, if it were all women. But mixing single women with married men is a set-up for trouble. As a single woman, you are not betraying the trust of a partner. But members like this guy are, just by gravitating toward this group. I think you would do well to find a different way to network and build friendships, other than by being a part of this strange association.

The police are going to have zero interest in investigating your experience. A doctor is going to have zero interest in prescribing a drug screening blood test for you. The man's wife is going to have zero interest in hearing from you.

You put yourself in a dangerous situation. It was probably wise of you to avoid antagonizing this guy, while you were more or less under his control. That was your survival instinct kicking in. You are only lucky you were not the victim of something way worse than groping. This man is not safe to be around. Unfortunately, there are a lot of men like that, who will test a woman's boundaries and see how far they can get. The police can't possibly start compiling dossiers on every one of them. Even if they listened to you politely, they'ld be laughing at you, the minute you left them. No, this is not a laughing matter at all. It is best thought of as a lesson.

[divine1966]

I missed that it’s a mixed group where “spouses not included”. This meant to be open for various not so wholesome experiences including laying on beds and groping women among other things. It’s better to avoid such groups. Married men don’t join these groups to read Shakespeare and make crafts. At the very least I’d not invite them to my house. It’s very unsafe. You are lucky it ended how it ended. Put your safety first

[*Beth*]

I entirely agree with Rose76. Police, doctors, they won't do anything. The most you could do is file an online police report, but it sounds like everything was consensual. I don't like alcohol because the moment I drink it I get very sleepy. It seems to me that if the guy went to the trouble of drugging your drink he would have been more aggressive with you. Just my thoughts.


I have a group of friends, we went through school together and have been friends for 40+ years, some even longer. When we get together some people bring their spouses, others don't, but I entirely trust my friends. You're 41 and in the group with old school friends...has that guy always been a creep?

[Britedark]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I'm sorry you went through such a frightening experience, but glad nothing worse happened to you. Chalk this up as a learning experience.

A social group where "spouses are not included" does not sound like a wholesome gathering. I could see, if it were all women. But mixing single women with married men is a set-up for trouble. As a single woman, you are not betraying the trust of a partner. But members like this guy are, just by gravitating toward this group. I think you would do well to find a different way to network and build friendships, other than by being a part of this strange association.

The police are going to have zero interest in investigating your experience. A doctor is going to have zero interest in prescribing a drug screening blood test for you. The man's wife is going to have zero interest in hearing from you.

You put yourself in a dangerous situation. It was probably wise of you to avoid antagonizing this guy, while you were more or less under his control. That was your survival instinct kicking in. You are only lucky you were not the victim of something way worse than groping. This man is not safe to be around. Unfortunately, there are a lot of men like that, who will test a woman's boundaries and see how far they can get. The police can't possibly start compiling dossiers on every one of them. Even if they listened to you politely, they'ld be laughing at you, the minute you left them. No, this is not a laughing matter at all. It is best thought of as a lesson.

Thank you very much for your kind reply. What you have written about the police and his wife are exactly what I fear. I guess it is best to quietly avoid him and his type from now on.

The group I talked about - I guess I explained badly. All of us were school friends and we meet once a month to catch up. Most of us are single or divorced, but a couple are married too. There is no rule that they can't bring spouses. Some spouses joined at first, but they got bored and stopped coming. This guy, however, hasn't introduced his spouse to us. We have seen her photos on his social media profile. I have 'liked' a few pics and wished her on her birthday and she thanked me from her account. That's about it.

[Britedark]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I missed that it’s a mixed group where “spouses not included”. This meant to be open for various not so wholesome experiences including laying on beds and groping women among other things. It’s better to avoid such groups. Married men don’t join these groups to read Shakespeare and make crafts. At the very least I’d not invite them to my house. It’s very unsafe. You are lucky it ended how it ended. Put your safety first

Thank you for looking out for me. Lots of hugs. I have explained about the group in another reply. I definitely see the potential for things starting up in such a group. It has mostly been harmless chit chat so far. But from now on I will go and leave in the company of a girlfriend and not go out for 'casual lunches' with married guys from any group. Lesson firmly learnt. Thank you.

[Britedark]

Originally Posted by *Beth*

I entirely agree with Rose76. Police, doctors, they won't do anything. The most you could do is file an online police report, but it sounds like everything was consensual. I don't like alcohol because the moment I drink it I get very sleepy. It seems to me that if the guy went to the trouble of drugging your drink he would have been more aggressive with you. Just my thoughts.


I have a group of friends, we went through school together and have been friends for 40+ years, some even longer. When we get together some people bring their spouses, others don't, but I entirely trust my friends. You're 41 and in the group with old school friends...has that guy always been a creep?

Thank you for your reply. Whatever happened was definitely not consensual because I kept telling him to stop and he didn’t, but I get your point. I can’t prove that it was non-consensual. I didn't know he was a creep - he was ok in High School and then we got back in touch about three years ago through this group. He behaves when he comes to our meets. This was the first time I met him alone.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Britedark

Thank you for your reply. Whatever happened was definitely not consensual because I kept telling him to stop and he didn’t, but I get your point. I can’t prove that it was non-consensual. I didn't know he was a creep - he was ok in High School and then we got back in touch about three years ago through this group. He behaves when he comes to our meets. This was the first time I met him alone.

Even though you can’t prove that you were violated you know and we know what happened was NOT consensual at all. You told him to stop. He didn’t. Not consensual

Him inviting you for a private lunch but then insisting you go to his house (where was his wife at the time? I assume she was at work?), offering alcohol and then keep doing things including groping you when you said NO, isn’t a friendly gesture. I have men friends. It is not how men who want to be friends behave. I’d stay far away from this man. As far as possible.

I am glad you assess this situation accurately. Sorry for what happened to you

[Britedark]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Even though you can’t prove that you were violated you know and we know what happened was NOT consensual at all. You told him to stop. He didn’t. Not consensual

Him inviting you for a private lunch but then insisting you go to his house (where was his wife at the time? I assume she was at work?), offering alcohol and then keep doing things including groping you when you said NO, isn’t a friendly gesture. I have men friends. It is not how men who want to be friends behave. I’d stay far away from this man. As far as possible.

I am glad you assess this situation accurately. Sorry for what happened to you

Thank you so much for understanding. Your validation has really meant a lot to me. Thank you. Big hugs. I'll be more circumspect in the future. I thought I was past that age but clearly not.

Writing on this forum was one of the best decisions I took. Thank you, all of you, for helping me put things into perspective. All of you have been wonderfully supportive.