Asking for other people's phone number

I had an experience yesterday making me think of this thread! I even wrote a note to myself to post here.

I ran into a nice lady I met in the walking group at the senior center. We live just 2 blocks from each other and used to walk back together since the walk was too long for us. I haven’t gone in months but did run into her at the store once.

After some catching up she said she lost my number. I said we never exchanged numbers and she asked if I want to. I said yes and she entered my number in her cell phone. I said I’m still getting the hang of mine and she called my home number then and there. She also said now her number will show on my Caller ID. I don’t know why she assumed I have it but I do. After I asked did she let it ring more than once she said no and called again! I said the ID doesn’t appear after just one ring. She even told me her last name and how the ID should appear! Then she said now you have my number.

If I had stayed at the gym just 5 minutes more I’d have missed her. When we first said hi she looked like she was going to hug me then hesitated. I then reached to hug her. It’s a good sign she’s aware not everybody likes hugging. (I do)

She then said we can walk together independently of the group.

I decided to call her at the next
walk at the center and see if she’s going. I’m keeping the healthy skepticism because of past experiences posted here and those not. I’ll see if she acts like she doesn’t know me. Or wonder why I’m calling!

I ran into her again today but we just said hi.

Last time we walked she wanted to be sure I knew how to get home because we took a different route!

Maybe there’s hope still. It made my day that finally someone else reached out instead of me all the time. It made my day. I thought about asking her about numbers but due to past bad experiences I didn’t.



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I very rarely give my number out, dont even know my number cause number dyslexic messes numbers up

Its a different world now, as a child in the 90s my grandma had the phone numbers for half the street and thought nothing of phoning everyone up to check on all of the houses around her house

Now if someone was to phone up all their neighbours, they would get into a trouble

I believe we should be slow to ask for someone's phone number. It's far preferable, I think, to wait for the other person to offer their phone number, if they so desire. I'm trying to think of what would be a good reason to request someone's phone number, and I don't see too many circumstances that make it appropriate. If I sense that a potential friendship may be budding, I'ld be more likely to hand the person a paper or card with my number on it and say, "Feel free to give me a call, if blah-blah-blah." (Like - "if you need a ride," or "if you have any questions about the job," or "if there's anything I can do for you.") This respects the other person's privacy. It leaves them in control of how they want to manage a boundary, without putting them in an awkward position. I've really appreciated when others have handed me their phone number with an invitation to call on them should I need or want to.

As I think about it, I have to say that it's very rare that I would ever consider it polite to ask someone for their phone number. It's kind of like inviting yourself to their home.

Phoning someone is very much like showing up at their door. I would never assume someone wants me to do that.

I did test the waters by calling her, mainly to ask if she knew why police helicopters are circling in our area and she didn’t, but said someone else told her there’s a lot of cops just a block from me. I also asked if she’s going walking next week but said she’s not sure.

On the subject of calls it takes a lot of nerve to stop calling someone you see face to face. The receptionist from the senior center used to call me after she found out nobody calls me. It was a few minutes and superficial but still interaction with someone. Then she stopped. I asked her why when I dropped by there and she said she’s been busy. I know she’s not a “friend” ghosting me but I was still disappointed about yet another phony person.

And on the subject of calls, phone companies seem to think we all have people to talk to. For some unexplained reason my plan is giving me extra data and touting that I have unlimited calling and texting for the US, Canada and Mexico. But I have nobody to call.

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haha tell me about it. Facebook is like a little window in to peoples lives and no one blinks an eye lid.

On the subject of phone number eitquette, here's another thing that I've had come up. Occasionally someone has asked me to give them someone else's phone number. I always decline. Typically I say that I just don't give out others' phone numbers. I might say that "I will give them your number and your request that they call you." It is almost never good manners to ask someone for a third party's phone number. Once, a relative asked me if I had the phone number of another relative. I said "No." even though I did have that phone number. It just wasn't my place to give that out. The person asking tended to be intrusive. I didn't want to inflict that on the third party.

Rose I do the same. It’s not my place to give out someone’s number.

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I was thinking back on when I was in college, this woman kept asking me for my phone number. She was just a classmate, not even an acquaintance. I didn't give it to her, but I can't remember what I said to try to discourage her. She was persistent no matter what I said. Eventually she gave up, but it didn't occur to me to ask her WHY she wanted it. Back then I wasn't as assertive, but now...watch out, LOL. I still remember her name, Kimberly, and her face, after over 40 years.

Interesting thoughts, @Yaowen! Thank you.

OP: what if you find a middle ground by asking sometimes? Say, every other time the thought of asking for a phone number comes up, do ask. In the other half of the case, refrain. See what happens.

Years ago an acquaintance was going to pick me up from the doctor. When I asked for his number in case I or the doctor cancels at the last minute, he wouldn’t give it to me. I think it’s a reasonable request in that case and I even said so. But I got stonewalled. Fortunately nothing happened but that was odd to say the least.

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Yeah situations like that are always confusing.

Yeah I understand that and yep people are way more paranoid and more likely to call the police or sue now than they used to be. There's a higher level of irritability and anger among others and they just d0n't want to be bothered. This actually seems to be prevalent among all age groups and I think the pandemic played a big part in it. I know some people who admitted that they would build a wall around their house or block everyone they know just so no one will ever bother them again which is sad the way the put it.

Yep I agree, it feels so intrusive asking without a very good reason. Even though some people seem to do it with ease after the first meet up, I still don't think it's a good idea to ask right off the bat. I only ask if I absolutely have to and even then I feel intrusive, some people will be annoyed that you asked regardless of the reason. In fact, I believe some people may give out their numbers when asked because they feel obligated and secretly hope you never actually contact them.

I agree, phone companies make it like we're all more social than we are.

Yep it's really weird.

Yeah some people can't take the hint even if it's super blunt.

Oh yes I hate it when people ask me to give them someone else's number even if it's family. It feels intrusive and the other person may not want them to have it.

Yeah a middle ground is a good idea but also making sure there's a very good reason for asking.

Yep same here.

Yeah that's a situation where it's okay to ask for someone's number but unfortunately some people still won't give it to you like in the example you used.

Rose, so true. My number was once given out like that with consequences that were far-reaching.

On a different note, have you ever considered writing an etiquette column for a newspaper @Rose76? You would be fantastic at that.

I hate it when people give out my number without permission as well.

I’ve been thinking so much about connections, communication, etc. after reading about our loneliness epidemic in this country. It’s also in the UK, Canada to name just two. It was on the news too. This was going on before Covid lockdowns and isolation and that made it even worse of course. We humans are a lonely lot, in spite of being social creatures by nature. The Surgeon General says our culture needs to change. That’s a tall order. I think American culture is superficial to begin with anyway.

I don’t think the people who are ghosting people are the same ones feeling lonely. That would be self sabotage.

Even the verbiage used implies relationships that aren’t really there. We have “connections” on LinkedIn and “friends” on Facebook. Yet I didn’t connect with any contact on LinkedIn, business reasons or not. They didn’t respond to my messages and I eventually deleted my account. I was never on Facebook. We say “followers” too like people hang on your every move or word.

On the subject of calls, one time someone gave my number out without asking. It was for business reasons but I still didn’t like it. I think it was from interviewing at a company and the interviewer gave my number to a recruiter. I told her I would have liked to have been asked. She said she didn’t think I’d mind. She thought wrong. And that was in the 80’s when it was easier to keep your number private.

And so as far as our numbers and other personal data, it feels like a losing battle keeping one’s information private in this digital age. And harder to get a human when calling a company especially a large one. They want you to go online for everything eliminating human contact. I think it’s about money.

I do think people can give out numbers out of politeness like the lady at the library I was acquainted with. I’m too lazy to see if I posted here or in another thread, but I gave her my number. I didn’t ask for hers but she gave it to me. She also claimed her phone was out of order. She never did call me nor did I call her. My bs radar picked up bs and I doubt her phone is still out of order after one year.



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And after all that I forgot to say I wish I had a close knit GROUP of friends like on the show A Million Little Things. The series finale is tonight. I know it’s a tv show so I wonder how many people actually have groups like that, given the loneliness epidemic.

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I agree, I doubt the ones ghosting others are lonely since it would be self sabotage. At the very least, they are ghosting someone they no longer like or never liked and they decided to treat the person they're ghosting the same way someone treated them. Yeah I can see your frustration with people giving out your number without permission, the recruiter probably meant well but it can still feel invasive. Also yes people definitely give out their number out of politeness and obligation, that's why I always let them initiate contact unless I absolutely have to contact them first.