My ex's mother ruined our relationship

I would like to share my story with you and maybe you will advise me what to do 😊

A few months ago I left a guy, it was very hard for me because I loved him so much. We planned to start a family, he was a wonderful partner, he was affectionate, we had many things in common. Everything was great until his mother started coming between us. She must have realized that this was something serious and she started to give me a hard time for some reason, even though her son was very happy with me. But now I see that she was morbidly jealous of me. He doesn't keep in touch with his father at all, his mother has no partner. She only has a son. Me and him, we are in our 20s.

It all started innocently - phone calls from time to time when we were together, she needed him to do her shopping, to change the tires etc. I was understanding, I help my parents myself, but after a while I realized that it was too much. Every time he was with me, his mother would call and ask him to come. What's more she was texting him and she was reminding him that she loved him the most, etc. Once we had a trip planned and she said she was not feeling well. When he wanted to go, she burst into tears. And I want to emphasize that she doesn't have any chronic diseases, she keeps fit, she takes care of herself pretty well. She is in her 50s. As soon as she had a cold, she told him that she did not want to feel lonely in her illness, forcing him to stay with her.
Later she started to criticise me and my gifts for him. Once she didn't like the T-shirt I bought him, another time she didn't like the perfume. It influenced my self-esteem. She could interfere in our conversations, arguments... She was forcing him to declare that she was the most important person for him. She was talking to him like he was a little boy, and he has never told her to stop. I couldn't handle it. I have never hurt her in any way, on the contrary, I always tried to get on well with her. His reactions hurt me the most. When I told him that it hurt me, he either said that she cares for him, or he talked and she said she didn't know what I meant, that she likes me so much, that I am a wonderful, valuable woman I felt like I was being made a madman who makes a mountain out of a molehill...
At some point, I couldn't handle her criticism anymore and I decided to break up.

Several months passed, he contacted me. He wants to keep in touch, he wants to come back. I do not know what to do. I still have feelings for him because I loved him so much, but his mother is a nightmare. I was thinking of offering him therapy? Because the problem is clearly also in him, he can't set healthy boundaries... What do you think?

He needs to develop strong, and I mean STRONG, boundaries with his mother, and that could take a long time and many many therapy sessions. He became defensive and defended his mother when you pointed out that her behavior hurt you. He needs to really absorb the fact that his mother is way too overly possessive of him and dependent on him. Not only that, but her behaviors were intrusive in your relationship! She set out to destroy it so that she could keep him all to herself. That's obvious. You cannot control or influence HER behavior, and the ball is in your ex's court to develop and hold strict boundaries with her. But he won't do this if he cannot acknowledge the problem and face it.. and resolve it.

Honestly, I would move on if it were me. This seems like to big of a hurdle and mountain to climb. It's his mom, and he may not even be able to acknowledge that her behavior is a problem.

I broke up with a guy many years ago for the same exact reason. He was Greek and married a Greek woman. We never were able to see eye to eye about his mother being a problem in our relationship. Same thing.. she was overly dependent on him and he allowed it. So we broke up.

His mother might be "a nightmare" but that does not absolve him of responsibility. He is behaving like a little boy rather than an adult. He wants to get back together with you - but has he changed?

Like you write, he is too enmeshed with his mother. IF you give him another go and he hasn't changed, be prepared for a repeat performance. There will be THREE people in the relationship (i.e. a little boy, his mother... and you), and you will be the one left out. Is that the cost you are willing to pay in the name of 'love'?

What do you mean ''offering him therapy"?! First off, he should get (and pay) for his own therapy himself, as a grown man. Secondly, until he realises how he is allowing 3 people in the relationship, therapy will be a waste of time and money.

Sounds to me like his mother is jealous. It may not even be about you, but rather whether her son is in a relationship.

I think this may be too much to overcome.... Perhaps if you move far away, it could be better. I'd say try something different, seek professional help, counseling, etc. If he doesn't make a change, then you know you tried but also know when to move on.

He’s obviously a momma’s boy! You need to confront hus mim & really set some firm boundaries with her. Do not let her push you around or disrespect you or she will. She is
needy, jealous & controlling it sounds like.

Trust me, I know. I’m an old lady who’s married to ine. Ir’d help to move across the globe if possible, lol 😆

I cut out my monster in law years ago & banned ger from our house for being rude & disrespectful. The hag soapped me qcriws the back so hard in Las Vegas ine time & nearly knocked me iver & then laughed in my face.

She called it a friendly slap & my husband believed it. I told her to never touch me again & that I could call the cops on her for assault if she did that again. She is from another country, so I needed to explain things to her, but still, it’s common sense & human decency ti not hit people then laugh at them!

The witch lied & said I threatened her & my husband threatened to leave me there, wth? I despise her! She messed with me & I made her regret it, lol!

Don’t let her mess with you or she will! Try to get your husband to go to therapy with you.

Do you want to be with him? There is a great deal here to deal with.

If you do want to be with him,, my suggestion would be to go over the points you mentioned here privately with him and explain that he needs to change in order for there to be any possibility of a relationship. If he says that he is willing to change, then discuss how this change could come about, as below. In addition, I think he needs to see a therapist for assistance in extricating himself from enmeshment with his mother.

This is emotional blackmail. He absolutely must go with you every time she tries this type of stunt.

This does not "force" him to stay with her. That was his choice, and it was the wrong one. He must go with you every time she pulls this stunt.

He should tell her that she must never compete with you, and that he will not respond to such messages.

See above.

This does suggest serious need for therapy for her. How does he feel about the way she speaks to him? How do you feel about being with a guy whose mother speaks to him in this manner?

He must tell her to stop that.

"She cares for him" is a totally unacceptable response.

Her position is she never did the criticising that you have identified?

If she loves you so much, she should make you feel loved.

Let's see what can change or be changed:

His mother will never, never change. She's in her 50s and has no intimate relationship of her own. She will fight you tooth and nail to hold on to Sonny. You think it's bad now? This is just the beginning. Start a family with this man, and his mother will come before his kids.

The real problem is that this young man never emancipated himself from his mother. He probably never will. He "let several months pass" and now he wants to "keep in touch." He wants to have it both ways. He's hoping that *you* will change.

Ask yourself what happened with the last girlfriend that he had. And the one before than.

A therapist cannot remake who a person is. This man is emotionally stunted in some way. That's who he is - a product of a weird mama who shaped him into what he is.

Thank you for your opinions. 😘 I know that he should change something, he must set these boundaries. It's not an easy thing to do, but it's definitely possible if he wants to.
He told me that I was the love of his life, that he had learned to love when we were together. However, he told me that he was tired of our arguments. And that he thought I was trying to limit his contact with his mother. That he was overwhelmed by the fact that he was standing between two important people. I never wanted him to feel this way, I wanted healthy boundaries and building a relationship with a man and not with his mother in a package, because I felt that she was entering our relationship. I can see from him that he has feelings for me, he wants to keep in touch, to come back but he is clearly afraid of these arguments. How to talk to him?

Hon, if he felt like he's in between you and his mom and that you were trying to limit his contact with her, you will never win. He already is siding with his mom. He's a mama's boy, as others have pointed out. It would take a pretty severe transformation and a complete 180 turnaround for him to see your point of view AND also set strict limits and boundaries with his mom. You're not going to win on this one, I am afraid. Let him go and move on in your life. There are plenty of other eligible men.

He should not place his mother in the type of position he describes.

He thinks of himself as between two important people because he has accepted his mother's narrative that you and she are competing. He has to reject that narrative.

A healthy parental relationship is on an entirely different level from a healthy romantic relationship. They aren't competitive. An appropriate parent welcomes and celebrates, not resents and resists, the presence of a healthy life-partner relationship for their child.

What were the arguments about?

Yes, and well you should!!

His mother should not have the kind of access to him that you describe. His mother should not be influencing whether or not he spends time with you.

What you want is appropriate and healthy. What he wants is different.

As long as you are interested in him, I suggest that you keep insisting on what you want. Don't give in to him on this, or your relationship with be a nightmare threesome for as long as she is living.

If he wants you enough, he might be willing to try to learn and change. If he is, he needs to see a therapist. Perhaps he doesn't understand how far out of line he and his mother are in this regard. Perhaps a therapist can help him see, and change. Perhaps couples therapy would be helpful as well in getting him to see and change. Therapy mighty not be successful, as Rose suggested, but I don't know what else to try...

You might want to set a time limit, privately, just for yourself. If things are not substantially better in _____ months, you are moving on. This will perhaps protect you from waiting and waiting forever for the change that never comes.

It's not hard for me to believe that he does have feelings for you. If he didn't make you feel loved, it would be easy for you to walk away. It is very hard to give up someone who provides us with love. You need love, as we all do. He may very well love you and want you. However, he also wants to keep his mother happy. He has been striving to keep her satisfied all his life. He wants to keep you both happy. She has been #1 in his heart, since he was a small child. She has no intention of settling for being #2. She will fight tooth-and-nail to not let any woman diminish her status as #1. You can't have a healthy marriage or relationship with a man whose mother is able to manipulate him with guilt and will do it all the time. You are a threat to her status as his main love object. She will put enormous psychological pressure on him to choose her over you. That's the only way she can feel reassured that she is #1 in his heart.

You say that he "must" do this and he "must" do that. It is not for you to say what he must do. You cannot choose what he will do. He has the right to choose how he will live. This man is a "mama's boy." That's who he is. So you are trying to influence him by saying you will reject him, unless he acts the way you think he should. He must set the boundaries you think he should have.

I agree with you that there are no boundaries between this man and his mother. I agree with you that he has an unhealthy dependence on his mother's approval. I don't believe you can alter that.

He is the way he is.

She is the way she is.

Right now, there is no healthy relationship possible between them.

Right now, he seems to be saying "I'm not changing. You should change. Let my mother do whatever she wants."

In my mind, the proper response to that is: "This mother-son relationship is a dealbreaker for me. If you want me, you must change. Otherwise, suit yourself."

In my view, this "must" would be completely appropriate. If he wants her, he must change. No change, no relationship.

"He told me that I was the love of his life, that he had learned to love when we were together."
Kind words but that, words. Does he offer actions to support this?

"However, he told me that he was tired of our arguments."
This is a red flag in my book, bordering on manipulation and narcissism. He could end the arguments - if he wanted to. He's blaming you for them, basically, saying the problem is yours.

"And that he thought I was trying to limit his contact with his mother. That he was overwhelmed by the fact that he was standing between two important people."
His mother will always come before you.

If you were in a healthy relationship, this wouldn't be happening. We learn these types of things once we have relationships of our own. Some relationships last a lifetime, and others last a season. I highly doubt this will get better and if you stay, you'll just be strung along.

Some men use their mothers or kids or job or friends or hobbies to keep distance from women and don’t fully commit.

It’s a very convenient excuse for him: my mommy wants XYZ so I can’t be fully there for you.

He’s unavailable.

If he sets stronger boundaries with mom, then he’ll find something else to keep from full commitment. Just watch. Next time he’ll be too busy with work or needy friend will call too often. It’ll not work in a long run. He might have feelings but he’s not going to ever fully commit

I couldn't help but re-read the title: you referred to him as your ex.

One expression came to mind: "Stop looking for happiness in the place you lost it."

And, here's this video I watch every once in a while (because I have to remind myself too!): Don’t Invest in Someone Based on THIS - YouTube

I will tell you that it is difficult for me to be in this situation because I loved him very much. And he also loved me, I saw it. Unless, unfortunately, these were just words, because he told me many beautiful things and promised me a lot... That I am the love of his life, that for the first time he loved someone so much that he would like to start a family with me. But actions should come before words.

On the other hand, I feel guilty and like the evil one who kept fussing with him about his mother, he said he was tired of it. But was it really a mistake to want a normal relationship? Without a third party ? I just wanted him to keep his mother out of our relationship, did I really do something wrong?

It is hard to move on when he is coming back to my life. I try to look for solution but as you said, he should change. And develop strong and healthy boundaries with his mom.

What does your gut tell you? Is it ok in your mind to not want his mother involved or interfering? You decide and set your own values and boundaries. And if his boundaries and hers test your limits and violate your boundaries, you have your own answer.

It is not a mistake for you to want a normal relationship. It is a mistake for you to want a normal relationship with this particular man. Currently, he is not capable of that. Possibly, he may never be.

I dated a really great guy who was overly involved with his mother. I saw that dynamic and drifted away. Afterwards, he met another woman, got married and had a daughter. The marriage didn't last. His mother eventually died. He is still living in his mother's apartment. He has no woman in his life. His mother wasn't as evil as the mother you're dealing with. However, I could see that she was number one in his life. That struck me as unhealthy. Even after she died, he still couldn't cultivate a normal, longterm relationship with a woman. He's a very nice guy. But something in him was, and remains, stunted.

The full maturation of a human being requires getting appropriately emancipated from parents at some point. Some individuals, who may be wonderful in lots of ways, never achieve that. Why that is may be a mystery. But it happens. For all I know, a person like that may not be capable of hitting that developmental milestone. At some point, it does start to become cruel to insist someone do so, when it may simply be beyond what they have the capacity for. It is tragic that anyone should be stunted like that . . . but it happens.

His mother trained him to see emotional manipulation as normal.

It’s the foundation for codependency. Codependents struggle with guilt when it comes to being independent and establishing boundaries.

Unfortunately, this situation cannot be helped. You dodged a bullet as this could have gotten far worse had you advanced in and deepened the relationship. You can recommend therapy to him but I would not count on a positive outcome. I am sorry to hear you are going through this pain, and sincerely hope that you will move on with time.