[black-roses]

I was talking to my sister about why I think I'm single and my sister is like quit being annoying and then I realise I'm obsessing again. Obviously I'm afraid without needing to of ending up with someone that sucks or alone. Which is a phobia I understand that it impacts my family I feel so bad for going on and on about it. I feel bad it's so damn annoying to have these thoughts and then feel guilty when you realise that your repeating it. I heard there's lots of counselling for it but my guilt is more because I've always been a hard case to crack it's like just feel sorry for my family. I feel like a bad person for needing counselling I just feel different to my peers I feel defensive I feel like people are attacking me personally. I feel afraid of being alone because I just feel so different to others but how does that make sense. I know I probably not only annoy my sister but anyone else I talk to about how often I talk about the frustration of not being treated with respect. Why does my mind fixate about that is it because I've seen how dangerous disrespect can be am I afraid of being trapped like my mother was. Either way I'm afraid and I don't even realise until my sister points it out. I feel defensive I feel fragile.

[Yaowen]

I'm sorry you are feeling poorly. Seemingly endless loops of obsessive thoughts can be so draining and frustrating. They also weigh heavily on one's self esteem.

Getting counseling is not a sign of being a bad person. Lots and lots of people could benefit from counseling.

As people advance through school for years and years, they grow in the knowledge of mathematics, history and such. But psychology is usually not taught in schools.

That is a sad really because the field of psychology has lots of important insights and wisdom and techniques for dealing with emotional upset. I would think of seeing a counselor as similar to taking a class. There is no shame in it.

Every day I see all kinds of people who I think would benefit from counseling because they don't know how to have a reliable source of peace and joy of living.

Obsessive thoughts that keep cycling is something I am familiar with from my own personal experience.

I was helped enormously by something called cognitive behavior therapy which is a little bit different from other forms of counseling in that it is aimed at teaching one how to be one's own therapist and counselor.

It is normal to seek professionals when building a house...architects, engineers, plumbers, electricians, carpenters and so on.

It is normal to seek legal advice when one has legal problems or medical advice when one has health concerns. There is no shame in any of it. It is actually very wise behavior.

You are a very good person and you deserve help when you need it.

[black-roses]

My sister tells me too that asking help is not weak I do see my counsellor but she's booked quite frequently. She helps me understand my thoughts and when I talk to her I realise I'm not the only one that has these problems. I also don't feel shame in it anymore I'll be getting more treatment soon. That will be 3 days a week it will be hard with all the studying but I'll get there. What worries me is how I get there but I guess if you want something you have to try your hardest. I don't know how I'll respond to TMS I'm hoping it will work with me. It's a different treatment to cognitive therapy they put electrodes to stimulate parts of my brain. I'll be going to my first appt to get my mapping. Then I'll ask my psychiatrist to give me proof that I have a problem and getting help and hopefully I'll ask centrelink to help me out. It's worth a try I already tried twice to apply for disability.