My obsessive thoughts won't go!

Hello all let me explain saying I hate pedophiles and don’t want anything to do with them, but my intrusive thoughts recently have been giving me thoughts otherwise.

Please help me, god please help from this... Do I have pure-OCD? Or am I a monster?

Am I pedophile in denial or is it POCD, or even a fetish?

Hello all, right now I am 15. I am struggling with what I hope is just POCD. Basically this story starts when I was 12, and am addicted to adult porn, mainly BBW, Hentai, and granny porn. Sometimes gay, incest, and MILF porn or gifs of big boobs bouncing do it for me. Sometimes Pokemon and MLP as well. I don’t want to become a pedophile and the very thought of it disgusts me and makes me nauseous. So I keep telling myself I am not a pedophile, but I’m starting to feel otherwise. I just want help, and I can never get rid of those times. I don’t desire children either, I am afraid of them sorta. Am I a pedophile or no? I would rather die than be one, kids don’t even turn me on. And I am afraid I might get the urge to look and masturbate to those pictures again, I wouldn’t ever want to repeat those times. I am so scared I am attracted to children I don’t even know what to do anymore, I avoid children, won’t do anything after a child, I don’t even look at children. And I think they are annoying. Please help me... I cannot take this anymore

Hello "I hate myself": I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central! I'm sorry for your struggle. But I'm so glad you've come here to PC to share your concern. Hopefully being here can be of some comfort & support for you.

First off I want to assure you you're not a pedophile! Thoughts are just thoughts. And no matter what thoughts may go through your head (& by the way... we all have them) they don't make you a pedophile. Now you asked if what you're struggling with might be Pure O or POCD. We here on PC cannot offer mental health diagnoses. So I can't tell you what type of diagnosis might fit what you're experiencing. For that you would need to see a mental health professional (perhaps a mental health therapist or a psychologist.)

What I believe I can suggest to you, though, is that what you're struggling with may well be simply a combination of the types of sexual exploration we all experience around your age along with what sounds to me like a developing addiction to internet pornography. Addiction to internet pornography is something many people (including many adults) struggle with. It is "insidious"... in other words it creeps up on you & you don't even realize what's happening until you're hooked. And then it can be difficult to stop, as you already realize.

I'm not a mental health professional. So I can't give you professional advice. But, from a lay-person's perspective, what I would say is that the first thing to do is to do whatever you must do to stop watching porn. I know I may be a bit prejudiced myself. But I don't believe there is any good that can come to you from watching that stuff. And then, beyond that, if you find you simply can't let go of the worries you're struggling with, perhaps see if it would be possible for you to see a mental health therapist or a psychologist with whom you can talk all of this through in real life. You're NOT a pedophile. But the worry & fear you've developed over this can make your life miserable. (You already know that.) So it's important to do what you need to do to put your worries & fears to rest once-&-for-all. Does that make sense?

I hope you find being here on PC to be of benefit.

P.S. Assuming you're going to continue to post, here on PC, may I suggest you consider changing your username to something a bit more positive? (I don't want you to hate yourself.) You can do that by personal messaging one of our administrators. Here's a link to the FAQ that tells you how to do it:

https://psychcentralforums.com/faq.p...changeusername

I keep checking to make sure im not turned on, and im not. But now I am afraid I am attracted to little girls wearing their swimsuits. I checked to make sure I wasn't turned on and again I wasn't, but the pictures look so sexualized and I feel disgusted by it. Another intrusive thought came up as well, So I decided to place every preventive measure for it. I am not turned on by the thoughts or pictures, but I got suicidal over the times I used to masturbate to pictures of nudist kids ages 2-15 years old and fanatasied about them peeing or someone painting their genital area when I was 12-13. I don't want to be a pedophile, it took control of my life. I want to catastrate myself, become a female, or just pull the gun and give up with everything. I am unpopular in school and I don't have much friends so that also effects me too. I hate pedophiles, and those memories ruined my good memories. Even during those times I thought I wasn't a pedophile. Is it possible I could be a pedophile in denial? What do I do if I AM a pedophile? I dont know how I could live with being attracted to children, the thought of it reviles me.. I just think I should end it before I become a pedophile.

Maybe through your school they may offer access to a qualified mental health therapist who can help you deal with these OCD thoughts?

They would most definately consider me a risk and report me, which people would find out and outcast me. I don't think anyone has ever seen a POCD situation like this before so they would most likely consider me a pedophile and I would be hunt down. But I dont want to be a pedophile, what can I do?

Hi. Here an article I found in Psych Central's library on POCD.

Am I a Monster? Common Features of Pedophilia OCD

I hope you read the article Bluekoi gave you the link to. I read it. And, from my perspective at least, it describes what you're struggling with completely. The article talks about Exposure and Response Therapy as being the most effective treatment for POCD. I don't know if something such as this would be an option for you. Family therapist, Kati Morton, has a video on her YouTube channel on the subject of exposure therapy. Here's a link just in case you'd like to see it:



One of the things Kati mentions, in her notes that appear below the video, is that it is imperative this type of therapy be completed by an experienced, licensed therapist who specializes in exposure therapy. I don't know if you've shared any of what you're struggling with, with your parent(s). But my thinking, at least, would be that in some way you have to reach out in real life for the help you need. I hope you will be able to find a way to do that. (I hope you continue posting here on PC as well.)

I was checking to make sure I wasn't turned on and wasn't a pedophile, now I can't get the story out of my head! Its ingrained in my brain and it furthers my OCD thoughts and anxiety to max, it drives me up the wall to insane.. I am so scared of myself! I just want to rid myself of all sexual thoughts,

I just want these thoughts to go away, without them finding about any of this OCD mess. The OCD has got me in doubt, the intrusive thoughts messed my head up to the point were sometimes I actually believe i'm a pedophile, other times I start to think I am.
I never had thoughts about kids in a graphic in such a manner until november when this started. The OCD started when I thought my mom's friend who had a young son was gonna live with us, and I began to fear I would molest him... and it all began from there. The obsessive checking, the web-blockers, the thoughts, my mental health depleting, everything I liked once began to be ruined because of the things i used to jack off to during the times i watched or listen to the things i liked, I began to avoid kids or look at them for that manner.
I honestly want to know for sure if I am a pedo, I mean I asked pedos if i were one, they i wasn't, i joined mental forums and they said i wasn't, and some people here said I wasn't one. But I feel otherwise...No matter how many times someone tells me, or all the times I checked to if i was one and didnt get erect, or the amount of times i gagged at the thoughts of kids.
The OCD tells me I am a pedophile and enjoys the gross ****, when I obviusly know I don't. I can't what I am anymore as I am not physically aroused by anything. I can't decide if I am a pedo or not. I don't know if I should look at girls my age or not. I don't know anything anymore...

@I hate myself

The thing is... yes... perhaps you are struggling with some thoughts that are like what pedophiles have. But having the thoughts you're struggling with doesn't make you a pedophile. You won't be a pedophile unless or until you actually act on some of the thoughts. Barring that, your thoughts are just thoughts. They're disturbing to you. And that's certainly understandable. But they're still just thoughts... nothing more.

You wrote you honestly want to know for sure if you're a pedophile. Well... right now, unless there's more to this than you've mentioned in your posts, you're not a pedophile. You haven't done anything. Do the thoughts you're struggling with mean you have the potential to become a pedophile? I can't tell you that. But what I can tell you is that continuing to struggle with this alone is, to my mind, a prescription for ongoing despair.

I myself have not had to struggle with the specific kinds of thoughts you're struggling with. But I have my own story... much of which I've never disclosed here on PC or anywhere else. During much of my life there was no help for people who had human sexuality issues. So I simply stumbled along doing what I felt compelled to do. And it was it's own kind of miniature hell. Things aren't perfect today either. But there's a lot more help out there now than there ever has been in the history of the world. So I hope that, in some way, you can find the inner strength to reach out in real life for help.

You can win the battle you are fighting. You can come out the other side stronger & wiser. And eventually, perhaps, you can even find a way reach out & help others who are having similar struggles. For many, many years I thought I was the only person in the history of the world who had struggled with the kinds of things I struggled with. But one thing I have learned is there are many others out there who have had struggles similar to mine. And there are, & will continue to be, many others who will struggle with thoughts similar to yours. You can become a beacon of hope for them. But first you have to survive & find a way to heal in order to be able to do so. I know you can.

But I don’t know if this means it just is my OCD or I’m in doubt and am just a freak...

@I hate myself

Of course I can't tell you whether or not what you're struggling with is OCD. That's a determination that has to be made by a mental health professional, which I am not. But what I do feel comfortable saying is you're not a freak.

You know... I've had issues in my life that caused me to feel like a freak literally for decades. (When I was young no one ever talked about such things & there was no internet.) It's only been within the last dozen years or so that I've come to realize not only was I not a freak but there are literally hundreds, probably many thousands, of others who've struggled with exactly the same concerns I've had. It didn't change anything for me. But at least now I know I'm not alone. And that knowledge, in-&-of-itself, has been a comfort.

You're not alone either. I feel confident in saying there are many others who are waging the same battle you are. You may or may not ever find them. Perhaps you wouldn't even want to. But they're out there. Trust me on that one. You're not a freak. You just need to find professional mental health treatment to resolve whatever is causing you to keep having the disturbing thoughts you're struggling with... just like so many of the rest of us.