[jesyka]

My husband thinks that everytime something goes wring that it’s almost or 100% MY fault. See my Lyft post that’s recent & you’ll see that he blamed me for what the driver did. He accused me of ‘threatening’ him by saying I’d report him. Wth?

He told me I shouldn’t have said anything & complained later. He has zero empathy. He even brings up past mistakes that have nothing to do with what is currently happening & it’s extremely annoying.

He thinks that he’s perfect & that he would never ever ger into the situation is that I ended up in as he knows how to stay out of trouble & that he knows how to not piss people off, ugh!

I tried to tell him that the driver was a liar & he did ageee with me on that. He told me that I should’ve just let him drop me off & then get a refund.

He went so far as to tell me that I shouldn’t go out and that I should severly limit my contact with other people as I don’t know how to communicate with other people.

Is there anything that I can do to stop him from doing this? Not everything is my fault. He barely listened to me too. He rudely interrupted me but he would yell at me if I interrupted him by accident, ugh!

[jesyka]

Another time I went to San Francisco for a friends birthday party. I took the train there. I had no idea that the last one leaves at 11p.m I should’ve checked the schedule. I assumed it ran late.

My phone died too. It wasn’t fully charged. I didn’t have enough money to get home, so I borrowed a cab drivers phone & asked him to pay for the ride. He yelled at me & hung up the phone.

Thankfully the cab driver was nice & took a lower rate & took me home. He told me that I was irresponsible & that I should’ve charged my phone, etc. Stuff happens. I don’t do things like this all the time.

We all had our phones die & stuff like that. He left me stranded there. That was cold . I didn’t memorize any of my friends numbers, so I would’ve been stuck there

[Samicat]

Would your husband agree to couples' counselling? I agree he is putting too much blame on you. It's human to make mistakes.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by Samicat

Would your husband agree to couples' counselling? I agree he is putting too much blame on you. It's human to make mistakes.

No, he’d never go to therapy, ugh.

[divine1966]

Well you cannot change people. You can only change yourself. So you can’t do anything to make your husband be someone he is not. That’s who he is.

As about situations you find yourself in, I wonder if there are some type of adult life skills classes or something. You often end up in situations that could be avoided. Does it mean your husband justified in being nasty? No, he should remain calm. He needs to find other ways to remedy the issues.

Honestly if my husband decided to go on trips and parties with no extra money and didn’t charge his phone and didn’t check train schedule, I’d not be too excited. Now I’d definitely pay and not hang up on him and I’d not be nasty, but I’d have a long talk with him about basic life skills.

Maybe make a list of things before going places: stuff you need to get done, things to check while there etc

Really if you have no extra money/valid credit card for a transportation, you shouldn’t travel because emergencies happen and you could end up stranded or in danger. And how late did you think trains run? It’s like a subway. They don’t run all night. It would help if you prepare for events ahead of time. Of course some things could not be predicted but many could be avoided if you prepare well

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Well you cannot change people. You can only change yourself. So you can’t do anything to make your husband be someone he is not. That’s who he is.

As about situations you find yourself in, I wonder if there are some type of adult life skills classes or something. You often end up in situations that could be avoided. Does it mean your husband justified in being nasty? No, he should remain calm. He needs to find other ways to remedy the issues.

Honestly if my husband decided to go on trips and parties with no extra money and didn’t charge his phone and didn’t check train schedule, I’d not be too excited. Now I’d definitely pay and not hang up on him and I’d not be nasty, but I’d have a long talk with him about basic life skills.

Maybe make a list of things before going places: stuff you need to get done, things to check while there etc

Really if you have no extra money/valid credit card for a transportation, you shouldn’t travel because emergencies happen and you could end up stranded or in danger. And how late did you think trains run? It’s like a subway. They don’t run all night. It would help if you prepare for events ahead of time. Of course some things could not be predicted but many could be avoided if you prepare well

I’m not that irresponsible although it seems like I am that way. I just made a mistake & I’ve obviously had bad luck that wasn’t exactly my fault. I thought that since S.F is a big city, that the trains would run late.

My phone is usually charged & I usually have more than enough cash on me & enough gas in my car to get home.

These things happened a long time ago btw. I learned my lessons. No one ever taught me any life skills except for driving. So of course I mostly learned about things the hard way that wasn’t taught in school or common knowledge.

Yeah, my husband should’ve paid for the ride. There are classes on adult life skills? Where?

[Discombobulated]

You can’t stop him doing this, I personally wouldn’t stay with someone who treated and spoke to me like this.

[Have Hope]

My ex narc husband used to blame me for everything and also isolated me from other people and friends. He was abusive, as you know from my recent threads. Constant blaming is an abuse tactic. Is your husband a narcissist? It seems he may be abusive, from what you describe.

[Marie123]

You can't stop anyone from doing anything. He is insecure and needs to always be right. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. He won't change unless he gets help, but abusers rarely think they have a problem. Are you willing to live like that for the rest of your life.?

[divine1966]

To answer about life skills: Vocational disability services provide lots of assistance in regards to learning life skills. You said you have a disability? As long as it’s a documented disability, you’d qualify for services. They help people with ton of things or refer them to places where one can learn

As about your husband, hanging up on the spouse and refusing to help in a dire situation (regardless if it’s your fault you got into the situation), is abuse. He’s abusing you. Simple as that.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

You can’t stop him doing this, I personally wouldn’t stay with someone who treated and spoke to me like this.

That sucks. He shouldn’t be treating me this way. Not everything is always my fault.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

My ex narc husband used to blame me for everything and also isolated me from other people and friends. He was abusive, as you know from my recent threads. Constant blaming is an abuse tactic. Is your husband a narcissist? It seems he may be abusive, from what you describe.

Sorry to hear that. My husband isn’t a narcissist. He is a black & white thinker & very judgmental though.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by Marie123

You can't stop anyone from doing anything. He is insecure and needs to always be right. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. He won't change unless he gets help, but abusers rarely think they have a problem. Are you willing to live like that for the rest of your life.?

Thanks for suggesting that book. I’ll check it out. If he’s insecure, he hides it extremely well. He’s very confident & even a bit cocky at times.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by divine1966

To answer about life skills: Vocational disability services provide lots of assistance in regards to learning life skills. You said you have a disability? As long as it’s a documented disability, you’d qualify for services. They help people with ton of things or refer them to places where one can learn

As about your husband, hanging up on the spouse and refusing to help in a dire situation (regardless if it’s your fault you got into the situation), is abuse. He’s abusing you. Simple as that.

Where can I find a place that offers vocational disability services? Yes, I have multiple disabilities. I have depression, social anxiety, fibromyalgia, etc. I have a psychiatrist that I see once a month who gives me medication & I’m seeing a chiropractor too.

What skills do they teach there? I agree, it was wrong for him to abandon me late at night alone in a big city where it’s not safe.

And with no phone obviously. What option would I have then? Call the cops maybe for help? Or find an open place to rest at until the station opened? Ugh!

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by jesyka

That sucks. He shouldn’t be treating me this way. Not everything is always my fault.

Honestly even if things were your fault, he can’t treat you this way. If he can’t tolerate you, he should get a divorce. If he stays married, he can’t treat you this way. Like if I was careless and broke something, it wouldn’t justify my husband hanging up on me or yelling or refusing to help. Whose fault doesn’t matter here

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by jesyka

Where can I find a place that offers vocational disability services? Yes, I have multiple disabilities. I have depression, social anxiety, fibromyalgia, etc. I have a psychiatrist that I see once a month who gives me medication & I’m seeing a chiropractor too.

What skills do they teach there? I agree, it was wrong for him to abandon me late at night alone in a big city where it’s not safe.

And with no phone obviously. What option would I have then? Call the cops maybe for help? Or find an open place to rest at until the station opened? Ugh!

It’s state specific. I don’t know where you live. They teach skills needed for employment but those are same skills one needs for successful adulting.

[Discombobulated]

Originally Posted by jesyka

That sucks. He shouldn’t be treating me this way. Not everything is always my fault.

I think telling you that you should limit your contact with others because of a confusion/misunderstanding is concerning to me. It sounds like he’s asking you to isolate yourself. That could be harmful to your well-being,

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

I think telling you that you should limit your contact with others because of a confusion/misunderstanding is concerning to me. It sounds like he’s asking you to isolate yourself. That could be harmful to your well-being,

That’s what abusers do. Isolate. In fact if he really wanted you to learn things, he’d encourage you to seek company of others in order to learn snd he’d encourage therapy and would get a health insurance!

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Honestly even if things were your fault, he can’t treat you this way. If he can’t tolerate you, he should get a divorce. If he stays married, he can’t treat you this way. Like if I was careless and broke something, it wouldn’t justify my husband hanging up on me or yelling or refusing to help. Whose fault doesn’t matter here

Thanks. I agree.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by divine1966

It’s state specific. I don’t know where you live. They teach skills needed for employment but those are same skills one needs for successful adulting.

I live in Ca.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

I think telling you that you should limit your contact with others because of a confusion/misunderstanding is concerning to me. It sounds like he’s asking you to isolate yourself. That could be harmful to your well-being,

True. I think that he thinks it’ll minimize ‘conflict’, lol 😆

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by jesyka

I live in Ca.

Vocational Rehabilitation - CA Department of Rehabilitation

Contact them to find your regional agency: their phone number, email and address. Then contact regional agency and get the ball rolling

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Honestly even if things were your fault, he can’t treat you this way. If he can’t tolerate you, he should get a divorce. If he stays married, he can’t treat you this way. Like if I was careless and broke something, it wouldn’t justify my husband hanging up on me or yelling or refusing to help. Whose fault doesn’t matter here

From personal experience getting to the point of getting a divorce isn't like a light switch that just turns on. It builds up to get to that point but that doesn't mean the lack of tolerance isn't building up & coming out during that period of build up to that point.

I agree that leaving her stranded without the means to get home was a bit radical.....however sometimes when we are fed up feeling the other person is being irresponsible, the gut reaction can be that they will learn a lesson the hard way & next time go prepared. If irresponsible decisions have no consequences, people don't bother to learn any other behavior & in reality they are blaming the other person for not bailing them out for their bad choices as much as the other perdon is blaming them for their bad choices.

My marriage was similar only it was my H who was always messing things up financially & making bad choices. Yes, I left & after I left he totally destroyed himself financially. He never learned & never will because that is who he always was & always will be. But it took awhile to get to the point where I was financially able to leave even though I wanted out long before I could make it happen.

[eskielover]

@jesyka i learned to never just THINK something is the way I think it "should" be. Assumptions are very dangerous to use to guide your life & ususlly wrong. I ALWAYS get times & details that I have always verified & double checked.

I was in Calif in 2018 forba court case against my then still husband. The last day there I had my court hearing early in the morning. Then I had to make sure I got on the last metro that took me to Union Station in L.A. & connect with the flyaway to get me to LAX so I could make my flight home. Always take my phone charger with me & they have charging ports at the airport. One learns to plan ALL the details when we are dependent on other schedules than our own. When we end up with learned dependence on others it is harder for us to take on the responsibility of independence when we are doing something independent. Most mistakes that happen in our lives is because of a faulty choice we ourselves have made. Learning skills is important but most skills are based on common sense & sometimes it is a matter of learning the hard way.

Like I told my now ex, if I ever see his behaviors change then I will change my opinion of him.

You said these things happened awhile ago. Have you been making more responsible decisions lately? If so, has your husband
recognized the changes? Sadly my now ex never learned to make better choices & he lost the house to foreclosure because of his bad choices. I left & in my wisevdecisions, I financially & legally protected the farm I bought with the inheritance from my mom so he couldn't touch it even before we were legally divorced. Making our own wise decisions even when disabled (I had major depression & anxiety & PTSD & was just recovering from anorexia) is important to our own ability to survive & thrive. Interesting thing, I was able to heal those things along with my cronic migraines when I left that environment. The environment we live in does effect our mental & physical health

[Discombobulated]

@jesyka where I live we actually have a law which protects the rights on an individual to make unwise decisions. It’s called The Care Act and it covers people who may have mental and physical disabilities including learning disabilities- it means people (family or social workers) can’t easily take over someone’s life choices even if they’ve made unwise decisions. Many countries have such a law.

I’m mentioning this because your posts come across to me like okay you may have made some mistakes but your husband seems to think he can tell you what to do and even curtail your freedom. He doesn’t have that right.