How can I stop my husband from blaming me for everything?

He’s abusive and this is abusive marriage. He’s not concerning himself with what rights he has to abuse. That’s not how abusers operate.,

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Originally Posted by Discombobulated @jesyka where I live we actually have a law which protects the rights on an individual to make unwise decisions. It’s called The Care Act and it covers people who may have mental and physical disabilities including learning disabilities- it means people (family or social workers) can’t easily take over someone’s life choices even if they’ve made unwise decisions. Many countries have such a law. I’m mentioning this because your posts come across to me like okay you may have made some mistakes but your husband seems to think he can tell you what to do and even curtail your freedom. He doesn’t have that right.

CA has similar. I had left my husband still married because I didn't want to get a divorce that forced the sale of the upside down valued home we owned & leave him homeless. He earned more money than I did but quit paying the mortgage....I called APS (adult protective services) because I knew he had mental issues he probably needed help with. When I called them back they basically told me that there was nothing they could do & that they are entitled to make choices whether they are bad or not & it is their own problem what the consequences are. Hmmmm, maybe that is why the homeless population in Calif is so high & many do have mental health issues that are being ignored with a tough luck attitude. BTW, he lost the home & I am divorced from him. Bad choices can destroy their lives & the lives of people around them & if nothing can be done to change that then leaving them to their bad choices just makes the situation worse & makes people want to leave them to their bad choices.

You can get legal guardianship of a family member but they have to have more profound disability. Typically CI (cognitive impairment), lower functioning ASD, TBI (again lower functioning). I am familiar with it professionally. Courts won’t granted you guardianship of someone just because they make bad choices even if these bad choices affect everybody else.

I don’t believe in this situation husband is talking about legally removing his wife’s rights but rather expresses his convoluted and stupid opinion that since she keeps getting into troubles/bad situations and gets into confrontations with people, she is better off not going anywhere. It’s a messed up and ridiculous suggestion but I don’t believe he’s talking about removing legal rights.

Yeah I just wanted to make sure Jesyka knows that she’s got rights even if she’s made a few mistakes, her husband sounds like he is ordering her around and I’m concerned because she relies on him financially she’s allowed him to take charge - I hope I’m wrong.

Keep in touch with us here when you can Jesyka.

Thanks, I will.

I’m sorry to hear about the situation with your husband. What happened with me is different though. I just happened to assume the train ran latter. And I forgot to charge my phone. I usually have my phone charged & I rarely leave the house not having planned things in advance.

I have what I need, gas, money, I.D, wallet, insurance, glasses, etc. I’m not that irresponsible. That only happened to me ONE time! So his reaction was WAY over the top!

As for the other situations to where I got assaulted, I took precautions, but I was the victim of bad luck. I shouldn’t be blamed for what happened.

I should’ve reacted to the situation differently though by calling the police & by not drinking as much & by not going out alone at times, yes. I never did any of those things for years. That happened years ago. The last incident took place maybe 13 years ago as far as the assault situations go.

And I have not been stranded anywhere ever again since that one time.

It’s not like this happens all the time. We have all probably had our phone die on us at one point I’m sure.

To be left stranded alone late at night in a big city to where I could get robbed or worse is unacceptable behaviour.

Again, sorry to hear about your ex. I no longer out out alone at night anywhere most of the time unless it’s to a restaurant with my husband or friends. I can’t even drive at night.

I don’t go out to bars anymore period. I have only gone to a few small clubs & concerts with a trusted friend & not with people who may not have my back should I need them their help.

I haven’t really had any major issues. Just minor annoyances with a few rude people bumping into me.

I’ll never ever compromise my personal safety again by going out to certain places alone. I always fill up my car with gas, charge my phone, have cash on me, chech routes, etc.

I check in with my husband & friends & used the check in feature on rideshare & use the location share app.

I know better now. I even got an apple airtag for my luggage when we traveled. I watch my purse like a hawk & everything else too.

I don’t talk to strangers. I told this weird lady at a show to stop touching me or I’d get security to kick her out. She said something about me taking pics with a flash. I don’t take crap from anyone anymore!

She backed off after awhile. lol 😆 I didn’t drink excessively too.

I had my friend drive us or we took a train or an Uber when we went out. The main thing is that I rarely go out at night now.

I didn’t know anything about that act. Where do you live btw? Thanks for letting me know that! I live in Ca. btw.

I have really fought him hard on him trying to control me! He tried to change my personality & whole way of thinking before! Example, he tried to force me to be friends with his mom who I hate. Long story short, she slapped me across the back once in public then last ghed in my face. I threatened to call the cops on her for assault! She lied & said it was a ‘friendly’ slap on the back! B.S!

I banned that evil liar from out house! He believed her though & threatened to leave me in Reno for sticking up for myself! Wth? Eff her!

I’m also a shy introverted person & he called me weird & anti social & tried to force me to socialize with his friends who’d ignore me. They didn’t like me & woulld talk in their own language despite knowing English

He finally stopped trying to force all rhat b.s on me after years of trying to get me to be someone that I’m not.

Why are you still with him?

It’s complicated. He does have good qualities tbh at times. All men are mean & controlling to me. Sime more than others.

So, what choice do I have? No other decent guy will want a messsed unemployed fat middle aged ugly woman with mental health issues. So I’m stuck. Only a messed up loser will maybe put up with me. Someone like a drug addict or something like that. No thanks.

At least I have a roof over my head & am not being physically beaten. No one could ever love me. No decent guy ever liked me.

That’s a lot to carry around within you.

Could you think about a life whereby you could be yourself happily? You list so many negative traits yet I’m sure you have positive ones too.

They hide their insecurity by being cocky. He is NOT confident...Confident people don't act that way or abuse.
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I completely agree, confident people are not judgmental of others.

Individuals who are chronically judgmental of others are very insecure.

Not all men are mean and controlling. Your husband is, but that doesn't equate to mean all men are that way.

Are you saying you are dependent on him financially and therefore are stuck in this relationship? Are there any other avenues to having a roof over your head? Can you live with your family?

You don't HAVE to be with a partner in order to exist and survive in this world, especially an abusive partner...

Just because he doesn't physically beat you does not mean he isn't abusing you emotionally, verbally, mentally, and psychologically.

Your self esteem is beaten down and you sound defeated. That's because of his abuse. It's eroding your self esteem. It will only get worse from here.

I do have dome good qualities, but they’re not really marketable qualities for the most part. My good qualities are usually overlooked or unappreciated by slmost everyone. Either that or things like my kindness tends to be taken for granted.

True. In his case though, I do believe he thinks that he thinks he knows it all & is bettee than most people. His mother really coddled him & let him get away with a lot growing up including being a brat to other people & his classmates.

Probably

Thanks, will do.

My parents are dysfunctional. My dad is a narc. My mom has some paranoid disorder. My sister is a career criminal psycho who lives at home still. She banned me from the house because she’s mostly jealous of me. She attacked me once. I haven’t been there since 2016

They do everything for her including paying her bills & paying for a luxury car but they refuse to help me out with any bills as my dad said I’m married & he can only afford to take care of one daughter. B.S! He doesn’t care about me.

I dont kiss his butt like she does. They are big babies who are very entitled & selfish who expect me to be a free therapist & to drop everything for them all the time. They even made that psycho the sole executor of my dads will. Her only. My mom has no say so in anything at all.

She will probably screw me over when the time comes. .I went almost no contact with those idiot psychopaths for the last year.

They are rude & disrespectful. Unfortunately I’m obligated to see them for an hour in public for Christmas, ugh. I can’t go back there. I doubt they’d even let me go back there.

I have nowhere else to go. I can temporarily stay with a good friend, but that’s it. I have no savings either. I’m dependent on him financially.

Going back to your family of origin sounds like it would be a bad idea anyway even if they did allow it.

Have you looked into womens refuges? I know someone suggested this earlier in this thread (or maybe another one). These days many forms of abuse are recognised not just physical and it sounds like you’ve been emotionally and financially abused in your marriage and possibly coercive control too.

Sadly when we hear only one side of the story we tend to be judgmental against the person being talked about. I know I was judged by my in-laws (only family of mine that was still alive besides my daughter) as being a horrible person when I finally walked out on my husband for my own sanity & oh I was such a bad person for fighting against his financial irresponsibility all those years....seriously we need to be wise about not being judgmental. Judging me just reinforced his foolishness & that sure didn't do him any favors. Sometimes it is hard to really tell what is abuse or not & we who don't know the full picture need to be careful. My response to my now ex was abusive but so was his behavior that I was responding to

It definitely would be a bad idea. I did look into women’s shelters & they’re always full.

Sorry to hear about what you went through. I’m glad to hear that you got away from that toxic situation & are doing better now.

My husband is treating me a bit better than before, but there’s still a lot of things that he needs to work on & so do I.

True, I always say no one knows what goes on in a relationship other than two people (even then sometimes even they don’t fully realise).

Jesyka I’m sorry if I overstepped a boundary but I hope you’ll be aware of how this situation is affecting your well being.

Domestic abuse shelters will not turn you away. If they are full, they’ll locate the ones that aren’t full. If you show up or call and tell them you are abused, they won’t say “oh we are full”