What causes people to become targets for bullying & sexual assault?

I see your point. I’ll try to correct my spelling next time to not appear drunk.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka I do censor my thoughts at times. I guess I should censor them more though. Apparently honesty isn’t appropriate or appreciated at times.

The thing is what you seem to be calling honesty is just your opinion & when one puts out their opinion as fact or truth against someone else's opinion it doesn't come across as opinion but as trying to force your view on them.

I grew up with a dad who was like that & he had no friends. Way back in those days diagnoses didn't exist for many of the mental health issues that exist today but I know there was something going on in his mind that made his communication with others a problem which was why he had no friends & I avoided being out in public with him as much as possible. We were never close.

When we hold on to being different & don't make a real effort to learn social norms then nothing that we complain about will ever change cause we are the only one who can make changes to improve things. Just the way life works

Yes, I’d like friends similar to me. I have actually been friends with some people who were very different from me in dome ways.

One lady was a tomboy who never wore makeup or dressed up. She was really into geeky things. Another was a Christian lady who was against medication & overly boy crazy. There’s more, but that’s the gist of it.

And yes I was specific about some things, but I wouldn’t exactly rule out people who didn’t like going to new restaurants for example. Most people I know or have known actually disliked going to new places.

They had other qualities I liked though. I often find that other people are the ones who are nit picky They only want to go out at certain times & to certain places. I accomodate them usually.

I have my preferences, but I wouldn’t not be someone’s friend for not liking everything that I like. It seems like most people I meet ARE MUCH more judgemental & not as open & flexible as I am.

As I said, they only want to go out during this time on these days or only go to certain places or not go out at night, not see most movies, the list goes on. It’s annoying, but I don’t say anything about it.

One lady I just met complained about the way I ate as she’s germa phobe. See what I put up with? Ugh! Unbelievable!

OK, I see your point.

This. There does seem to be one set of rules for you being “honest” and everyone else being “honest” you ask for feedback then say but I’m sensitive and special don’t tell me the facts if I won’t like them. When you are informed your honesty comes across as harsh you say you were just being honest. But when other people give you honest feedback you say they are attacking you and you’re special. This is a mental illness form, everyone on here is special and everyone ( for the most part) is trying their best. When you constantly get the same feedback, maybe, sit with it awhile and reflect on it.

This has all just been a misunderstanding. Let’s just please forget about this & move on.

Well they might only go out at certain times and days because they lack flexibility due to life circumstances. Not everyone can afford being open and flexible. I only go out specific days and times. Not going out at night is not that unusual either: sleep schedule or not seeing well at night or having to be up early etc You say other people are judgemental but you judge them too for not being flexible or not liking certain things.

I am not saying you must be exact the same but some things just aren’t compatible

I understand that some people have certain schedules, but even when these people are able to go out at certain times, they refuse to do so. One friend who doesn’t work refused to attend a 5p.m dinner for my birthday because she doesn’t like doing anything late in the day & for her, that’s to late.

She couldn’t even make one exception for my birthday dinner!

So it had to be postponed because of her. I’m annoyed but I didn’t say anything about it. Other people are much more judgmental of me.

As I mentioned before. two former friends had the nerve to accuse me of being a drug addict for taking necessary prescription medication that I don’t abuse. Wth? That’s disgusting!

Although one of them was probably an alcoholic & that the probability of them both being sex addicts were high, I didn’t end up judging them for that since it didn’t harm myself or directly harm anyone that I could see, I didn’t judge them for that. They judged me though.

You don't come across as sensitive to me. Someone who is truly sensitive, treats others with sensitively and kindness. The old "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".
In other words, you know what it is like to feel deep hurt, so don't want to hurt others.

You come across as someone who gets offended easily. And that is good news, as that is a choice/behaviour that can be changed. Being too sensitive is much harder to change.

Also, this friend who refused to make one single compromise for my birthday is always trying to get her way with our grouo. And she often gets away with it too.

I said no this one time since it’s my birthday. I already tried to accommodate her by changing restaurants TWICE to suit HER NEEDS and HER tastes for MY birthday dinner.

She is super picky & she doesn’t like sushi so Japanese food was out. Then some other place. What a pain! And now she still can’t go out. So who knows when my birthday celebration will happen. Even her best friend said that she’s set in her ways & very rigid.

I’m being accommodating & flexible & I’m still being thought of as being inflexible & judgemental. I don’t get it. I’m not trying to argue with you. I’m stating facts.

As I said, it’s other people who are usually the judgemental picky inflexible & rigid ones, not me normally.

I have my preferences, but I’m not super rigid & judgmental like most people seem to be.

I don’t experience most people being picky, rigid, judgmental or inflexible. I don’t know if that’s the area you live at (I am in Midwest and people are quite nice here) but it’s just never been my experience and I lived on two continents. Most people are just fine.

Now some people are not fine. If someone is not to my liking, I am not going to be their friend. That’s what I don’t get. You don’t like these people yet insist on befriending them. Why do you insist on celebrating your birthday with someone you dislike. And it’s likely mutual. What’s on the planet. Why? Take yourself out. Don’t hang out with people you don’t like

And if you feel like you just have to have this celebration, invite them. Ask for RSVP so you can set a reservation. End of story. You are bending backwards trying to accommodate someone you don’t even like. What for

I’m sensitive to people who are sensitive to me. I’m nit as sensitive to people who are rude & insensitive to me. I get offended when people treat me with disrespect of course. Who wouldn’t?

So, are people in the MidWest more easygoing & flexible? Here in Ca. a lot of people tend to be flaky, fake, care to much about status or money, say things they don’t mean like lets get together soon then not contact you.

I do like this lady even though she’s kind of annoying with her rigid ways. She’s nice. And my options are limited unfortunately. This is my only real issue with her.

Most people tend to have a few annoying traits that we need to deal with.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka I’m sensitive to people who are sensitive to me. I’m nit as sensitive to people who are rude & insensitive to me. I get offended when people treat me with disrespect of course. Who wouldn’t?

Not everyone does get offended
. I don't waste my time or energy getting offended. I have my boundaries & if they disrespect me in a big way I have my say & have nothing more to do with them in a friendship sort of way. I will be friendly if I see them around town but they will never be my friend.

I treat everyone equal whether they are sensitive to me or not.....but not everyone I know & interface with is my friend or ever will be but that doesn't mean I treat insensitive or rude people insrnsitively or rudely. They just are not part of my inner circle of friends.

That’s good that you do that. I personally will always avoid people I really dislike as they trigger me.

I’m quoting your reply as an example of what seems to perhaps be an issue in your communication style.

In your posts, you write rather hostile comments about people you consider judgmental, all the while not seeming to recognize how judgmental and abrasive your comments are. It’s a double standard (I can only go off of your posts) to condemn people for not accepting you while you call them selfish, toxic, etc. Is it possible that your own judgement and defensive attitude is coming across to others through your communication style. I have read that from your posts. I cannot assess whether the same thing happens in person or not, but I am guessing that perhaps it does and you aren’t realizing it.

You mentioned you set boundaries but they are received as restrictive, who I read as others are perceiving you as closed off. I had a therapist explain that boundaries in themselves can be unhealthy. A healthy boundary is not an iron wall that is impenetrable. Healthy boundaries are more like hurricane fences. You can see who’s on the other side. You can open the gate to allow people in when you wish. And, if necessary you can lock the gate, but you have the ability to be flexible when it is safe.

I read a lot of absolutes in your writing. Lots of “all’” an “no one’s”. That kind of absolute thinking can be off-putting and is something therapy can really help you with.

It seems like you just may not have self-awareness of how your communication style affects others around you perhaps.

Boundaries can be really tricky. A relative who ''should'' have been close, or at least kind and supportive, set harsh boundaries against me. They were like an old shop front closing down on me.

Boundaries can be healthy. It takes work to distinguish between healthy boundaries and harsh, inflexible boundaries, especially if ''brought up'' by neglectful, abusive, blaming FOO as I was

(note. FOO means ''family'' of origin)

It's never okay for someone to be sexually assaulted or bullied.

In terms of sexual assault, I'm sorry that happened to you. Don't blame yourself. If its really assault, the person doing the assault is to blame. The only thing you can do is discern partners going forward and choose who you think would not assault you, someone who isn't raising flags for you.

I think bullying and the use of the word bullying is interesting too - I read this whole thread. It is important to discern whether someone is being malicious vs just being themselves (whats their intent), or both.

I'm sorry you've been bullied in the past. About high school, high school can be toxic environments in general. It hurts and there's painful memories for sure, just recognize they are not always socially healthy places, for many ppl.

Many people here are trying to help you. At the same time, not everyone you meet (including message boards) who tries to help will know how to communicate the way you want and need. The way we all want and need. Take the parts that resonate. Even though you are feeling offended and annoyed, I see you trying to be receptive to everyone. That's great and more than I can say for some other ppl I've come across with similar problems!! I'm glad you're asking questions. I don't have any books to recommend but maybe start with something about mindful communication.

https://psychcentral.com/health/all-...nking-examples

Here is an interesting article.

Again, I’m not being hostile or judgmental. I’m being honest. Also, I don’t understand why almost everyone is ignoring the what I wrote about being harassed & bullied.

That was the point of the whole thread. I’m honestly annoyed that the topic is now about me being hostile & judgemental.

I’m done talking about this subject as it’s WAY offtopic. Again. NOT being hostile. I dont know how else to nicely say this. Please stop judging me & calling me hostile & judgmental.

I do appreciate the advice, but it’s my choice to take peoples advice or not take it. Not going out to volunteer right away is a choice.

Not doing so shouldn’t upset other people . I already said I have social anxiety. I am NOT good in groups period. I dont understand how people don’t understand that on here. It’s NOT easy to do anything in groups period

Not being sarcastic or snippy. Just please stop. I’m extremely stressed out & upset enough as it is. I just discovered some extremely disturbing news . And someone I thought was nice is turning out to be a flake.

I don’t need this. And you’re wrong about your assumptions regarding my boundaries. My boundaries have been severely violated many times.

I need to keep certain people out for sure. I have looser boundaries with some people. It depends on the person. You obviously don’t know me.

I have been severly bullied & abused by a lot of people in my life. You have no idea what I went through. The fault is definitely not mine.

Hey Jesyka,
I've been abused, harassed and bullied. I'm sorry if I didn't address your concerns, I've been very busy and have had some difficulty keeping up with this thread.

I wasn't making any assumptions about anyone's boundaries in this thread. I was stating my experiences with my very abusive ''family''...

I don't think I said you are hostile and judgmental?

I did once post about a very abusive...... person..... irl. I was accused (by someone) of being mean and judgmental. Because I judged the abusive person...


I was not.

Most people who know me find me very compassionate and caring.

A few have judged me based on very limited ''facts'' and their projections. Including a therapist. GREAT for anyone with trust issues. A psycho therapist.

Please forgive me if this post is off topic. It happens online, often it is not intentional especially if it's a LONG thread.

ETA I find groups irl difficult too...

Sorry to hear about your relative. Have you ever tried to tslk to them about things? I had to set harsh boundaries with my parents as they would violate my boundaries all the time. They have no respect for boundaries at all. Long story short, I had to threaten to go no contact with them if they kept calling me fat & giving me unsolicited diet & health advice

Even that didn’t work until I enforced my boundaries again by banning my dad from email for 6 months.

He STILlL harassed me by sending me a letter that made rude comments about my weight. Rude & ridiculous! Wth? Ugh! Stop means stop & no means no.

He finally stopped though. Some people obviously don’t care about boundaries.

Thanks for actually acknowledging the original topic of my thread instead of accusing of me of being harsh & judgmental. I appreciate it.

Hi, sorry to hear that you were bullied & harassed. You do seem like you’re a kind & compassionate person. Sorry to hear that you’ve been judged too. It’s so frustrating. Especially when people think that they kniw you better than you know yourself based on very little information!

Unbelievable! Also, sorry to hear about thar psycho therapist. I’ve had some unfortunate encounters with a few if thise types! That & some apathetic ones. It rwally put me off therapy & made me think it’s a waste of my time.

So, how have you been doing lately?

Yeah I tried talking to the relative(s) about things. They all accused me of ''ruining'' someone's life. Just not true. A tactic I believe is used by abusers, scapegoating.... And the person who repeated that lie the most often was a pathological liar and much much more.... I think someone in another thread called that sort of behaviour the ''God complex''.... amongst other things it's someone who claims to ALWAYS be right. I could write a novel about that.... Also I was forced into silence. Multiple Punishments ridiculously harsh for my so called ''crime'' of ''answering back'' to abuse.

I'm doing ok right now thanks. There are some good therapists out there. One I saw wasn't too bad but I didn't trust them after all that **** and they got frustrated and said some not great things too....