What causes people to become targets for bullying & sexual assault?

I really tried to frame my observations as simply that: observations which I very clearly stated are only based on what is written here. I carefully qualified my observations as “possible,” “can be’s”, and as only guesses and online observations, and therefore perhaps not fully accurate because I don’t interact with you in real life. I made no assumptions about your boundaries; I only made a guess based on what you said you were told, and explained a bit about healthy boundaries.

You have chosen to take my observations as judgments but in reality they were all qualified simply as possible observations only based on this forum.

I did suggest working on your boundaries (we almost all need help with boundary work on this forum) and communication style because it seems that these two areas do appear to repeatedly set you up for abuse, ridicule, and relationship issues. Thus, it is on topic.

When we are reactive to others (and not always in proportion to what is going on), people can latch on to that reactivity and intentionally push our buttons because, well, people can suck that way. (Note: again, I am stating that in general terms that can apply to many of us, including myself; this is a common communication problem.) Learning to communicate our boundaries and needs effectively is paramount to becoming less reactive and more assertive (vs aggressive) which translates to stronger personal autonomy and esteem. The confidence that we can exude through effective communication seems to work well as a signal to others that we are in control, leaving us less vulnerable to bullying, targeting, etc by others.

I don’t hear anyone saying you are at fault. I do read countless suggestions on areas of improvement within your power to work towards that could very well improve the problems you are experiencing as expressed in your initial post. When we repeatedly find ourselves in situations that seem to be a pattern, chances are that we do have areas that we can work on to improve or change those types of situations in our futures. (That’s, again, not a criticism; it’s just as true for any of us.)

Sorry to hear that happened to you. That’s true. Abusers also tend to gang up on their victims. You were gaslit & ganged up on for sure.

They use the mob mentality to go after you. Avoid them. Don’t listen to their lies. Stay strong. Don’t let them manipulate you.

Sorry for any misunderstandings. Why do you think some people like to push other peoples buttons? What can I do to avoid that aside from not being reactive?

How can I get people to respect my boundaries? What can I do when people violate & disrespect my boundaries?

Example, my dad has repeatedly harassed me about my weight even after I told him to please stop giving me unsolicited diet advice, making comments about my weight, etc. He absolutely refused to stop talking about my weight.

You wrote before about your dad upsetting you by continuing to talk about your weight. It’s a difficult situation to be in or generalise about. Did I read you had cut contact with him? I’m not sure if I remember rightly. What’s your current strategy with him?

I’m really sorry you didn’t get the responses you were looking for in this thread and it did seem to veer off to different topics I agree. It seems like you’re coping with difficulty in a lot of different areas at once. I’m sorry if I’ve contributed to any off topic posts.

To focus on your original post I think it’s not necessarily something you did to experience unwanted attention. In terms of men grabbing you they are wrong and possibly criminal for doing so. I don’t think it’s unusual to freeze when someone physically gets hold of you it’s something I’ve done myself.

I don’t know there’s anything you can do to stop it (apart from avoiding known bars) as assault is about them not you. Confident and assertive women can just as easily be assaulted as unconfident ones. It’s your choice to report them to either police/venue management.

As for bullying I do personally think that working on our self esteem can help, that is my personal experience. I did ask in my original post how you felt about working on your self esteem. I’m not sure if you are doing so at the moment?

Bullies do in my experience pick up very quickly on body language/behaviour that tells them we are less confident. That is again my personal experience talking. Great news is this is something we can work on with ourselves. Even better news is that for many of us as we go into into mid life this becomes something we can focus on and improve.

I won’t write anymore right now as I’m unsure what you’re currently doing re confidence/self esteem work.

Yes, currently I cut him off email for 6 months. I put down in writing exactly what he did to offend me & what my boundaries are & what boundaries he kept violating & the consequences for violating them. I warned him ahead of time. He violated my boundaries so I punished him. He needed to be taught a lesson.

He’ll never learn to respect me otherwise. Even then he STILL sent me a letter harassing me about my weight after I blocked him. Unbelievable!

I am a recovering bullimic & he knows it too. He is autistic so I made things extremely clear by telling him to never even mention the following words: diet, diabetes, oat bran , oat meal, he’s obsessed with bowel movements), etc

He finally got it! You didn’t do anything wrong btw. Thanks for actually acknowledging the original topic. I appreciate it.

I have tried to read books & articles & I watched Youtube videos on how to improve my self esteem. And of course I have tried to get support on here too. And I have tried therapy w/o much luck. I’ve talked to a few trusted friends too who struggled with this too.

Mostly I’ve read books. I try not to be to hard on myself, but it’s not easy. I tend to think about the past way more than I should. And I often think about bad experiences a lot too.

My negative experiences have scarred me for life. I can never trust anyone 100% again. Sorry to hear that you’ve been assaulted too.

Trigger warning:

I wish that I didn’t freeze. I wish that I was able to pepper spray each of those perverts like I did one time. I reacted like I should’ve reacted a few times. I fought back twice. I kicked and pepper sprayed one pervert. lol

Sadly I froze most of the time & failed to call the cops. I thought that I was able to sort of hide my lack iof self esteem, but I was wring. Not even liquid courage helped to mask anything at all. It actually helped attract predators it seemed like, ugh.

Bad idea! Especially when I was alone! Never again! Especially when I drank to much! Definitely never again!

I’m still trying to figure out how to appear to look mire confident, but it’s tough. It’s different to fake. I wish that I was naturally confident. It’s like a vibe you give out maybe & that predators can sense weakness like sharks can sense blood in the water maybe, idk.

What do you think? Maybe the only way to keep them away is to have other people around you. The more people with you, the better.

Trigger warning:

Not always though as I was attacked by this big guy when I was out with a guy and a woman outside a club once. Nothing happened fortunately. He grabbed my wrist hard but eventually let me go.

If anyone has any tips on how to appear more confident & have a don’t mess with me attitude, I’d like to hear about it

I didn’t realise your dad was autistic, that adds a bit more complexity to how he relates to you and the family I’d imagine.

Focusing on assault. I’m really not sure how confident you appear would have a bearing on whether someone would attack you. I do think it’s wise to be aware of surroundings and be with people you trust.

Could you tell me some more about the sort of techniques you tried about self esteem work?

He is. I just try to look people in the eye. I try to watch my posture & not fidget or slouch.

I also try to not look on the grpund or look at my phone to often. And I read a lot of stuff on here and on Youtube. I often resort to shutting down & scrolling through my phone when I’m nervous & being ignored in public & not being able to escape anywhere.

Was he diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder? What do you mean when you say he is autistic? Was he ever diagnosed?

No, I don’t think so. I’m positive that he’s autistic though. He’s very weird. He fits the description of an autistic person. He definitely lacks empathy. He is definitely obsessed with weird things that he can talk about forever.

I’d not label people as autistic without proper diagnosis. Being weird and lacking empathy isn’t enough. You need a diagnosis based on proper evaluation

True, but I’m sure that he’s probably autistic.

Jesyka I am not sure you realized but these are mutually exclusive: sure and probably

Sending hugs Jesyka

That’s good you’re working on how you interact with others, eye contact, posture, do you feel like it’s helping you?

I’m also wondering what you are doing for yourself, how you think and feel about yourself? For example what sort of things do you do to override negative thoughts/memories? What sort of things in your life do you feel good about?

I’ve read most of this thread, and am not sure if anyone else already said this. You were targeted for sexual assault because you were in a risky situation. You were alone (or even with the couple) and intoxicated in a nightclub. The nature of these clubs is there are perverted men on the prowl for sex. They see you as vulnerable and an easy target being visibly drunk and/or alone. They look for the easy targets they may have a chance with. They are under the influence themselves, and are sometimes very aggressive. Sometimes they are actual sex offenders and this is their hunting ground.

You are doing risky behavior. You go to the clubs in a vulnerable state (alone) and get drunk. Why are you doing this? What is the state of your marriage regarding your husband’s feelings about your behavior about this?

In my 20’s I used to sometimes go out to clubs alone. I was looking to meet a potential partner. I didn’t have other plans with anyone. I didn’t feel unsafe inside the club. I was more concerned with the coming and going to my car. I went to this one club that had valet parking, so I was alright. I didn’t do this all that often, maybe ten times total. I didn’t get drunk. I wasn’t harassed by anyone or assaulted. It was actually a fun experience for me, and I did meet a few people I made friends with/dated.

There was this one club I used to go with my gf. They had ladies get in and drink free night. Can you imagine?! There was a throng of men who would gather by the ladies room and grab the women as we went in. Yes, we technically got assaulted. They grabbed our bodies. It was upsetting and yet funny at the same time because we were drunk. Thankfully nothing that bad came from that poor choice I made back then.

That was about my worst risky behavior. It’s something for you to look at for yourself.

It sounds like you have issues with interpersonal relationships. Thank you, Nammu for the book suggestion. I will read it. As for the bullying and the friendship issues, this is part of that. You should search “interpersonal relationships” for more understanding and professional advice. I have issues with this, too, and try to learn and improve myself.

I found on this thread, you responded to other posters suggestions in a defensive manner. You denied whatever they said about your behavior. It’s fine if you find their observations to not be accurate, but people get put off when you invalidate them. A better way may have been to say, “I hadn’t seen it that way. Thanks for pointing that out. I’ll think about it.” That doesn’t mean you agree with them. You are just hearing and respecting them. This makes people feel good about their contribution. As you can tell this to me for my post, lol.

What you said is true. I did drink to much at times. And it definitely was a bad idea to go be alone in that state.

I drank to ease my depression & my social anxiety. I never once went anywhere with the intent to meet men anywhere. I only went out to see a show or to have fun.

I rarely had anyone to go out with most of the time as I did have that many friends who liked going out

My husband trusted me. Unfortunately he doesn’t like going out to clubs & concerts.

You’re lucky that you had fun & that the ‘assault’ you encountered was funny & not scary. Thanks for nively explaining things instead of judging me.

I felt like a few people were being to critical which upset & triggered me. I’m a sensitive person. It sounded like some people thought that everything was somehow my fault for not knowing how to communicate with people properly.

That’s not true at all. Maybe it is partially true in some cases. I could’ve stated my feelings in a more calm & a more assertive manner at times. It’s hard to remain calm when people are yelling at you & being uncooperative though & being rude, dismissive & disrespectful though.

Ex:

My former make friend pissed me off at one place after he kept hounding me to tell his g.f something I told him in confidence. I kept telling him no He would not stop harassing me to tell her about things .

Apparently he had zero respect for my boundaries.

I maybe should have gotten the g.f involved & asked her to please talk to him for me as he refused to respect my boundaries. Maybe he would’ve listened to her instead.

Or I could’ve said, look, please stop this or I’m going to leave to go home. You’re violating my boundaries. I told you to please stop numerous times. No means no. Please stop disrespecting me.

I obviously told him no, but I needed to give more power no my no

I liked the suggestions you offered btw. I didn’t realize that I was invalidating people on here. That wasn’t my intent. I thought I was explaining things & expressing my opinions

Obviously what I said came across the wrong way. I didn’t like the fact that I was blamed for what went wrong at times Not everything was always my fault.

A lot of people actually did use & abuse me, no question about it. My only fault was being naieve & to trusting for my own good.

I don’t think the point is who to blame and whose faults it is. And I don’t believe anyone says everything is your fault and you are to blame. Not at all. It’s not blame game.

When you ask what could be done differently and why things keep happening, people offer suggestions what YOU could do to improve so it’s happening less. It’s not judgement, it’s what we think you could try to improve upon.

When you say you don’t need to change anything about yourself and it’s only other peoples’ fault, then there is nothing to respond to that. You cannot change other people. You can only change your own actions or perception etc

As about saying “no” more forcefully, with some of these people you associate with it doesn’t even matter how you say or what you say. It’s the people you choose. Like that awful guy and his girlfriend at the bar. These aren’t the kind of people to practice your communication skills on. These are the kind of people to stay away from or you’ll be in trouble every time.

I don’t think the issue is trust. My husband trusts me and he’s all good about me hanging out with friends but he’ll have a panic attack and probably would have to go to ER if he knew I am in the bar drunk alone repeatedly assaulted and harassed by drunks. It’s somewhat strange that your husband isn’t worried about your safety

OK, I hear what you’re saying You’re right about everything that you said. As for that guy & his weird g.f, I stopped being friends with them after that night we went out

You’re right, it’s best that I don’t associate with rude, disrespectful, dismissive & disgusting people like that.

I never saw that side of him until that night. I didn’t hang out with him in person that often. I mostly talked to him online. He couldn’t go out much back then as he was stuck taking care of his dasd who had dementia years ago. He didn’t have the heart to put him in a nursing home.

He seemed like he was a great guy. He had some issues, but he was never that creepy or mean to me until then. Weird! The only red flag alarm that went off for me was that he drank a lot & he kept encouraging me to just go out & just have sex as it’s only sex. He knew that I was unhappy in my marriage. I thought that was weird.

He said he used to be a male slut at one point & that he missed being single but that he’d never cheat on his g.f as he loves her. Very weird! And he kept trying to persuade me that he’s not a sleazebag. Yeah, right, lol

I need to pay attention to these red flags more often. I definitely am done with trying to be friends with sny guy anymore unless I can without a doubt know that they’re 100% gay, lol.

As for my husband, I didn’t tell him anything that I mentioned period aside from being stranded in S.F. He would’ve blamed me for everything. Especially since I was drinking. He would’ve yelled at me & accused me of this & that & that I’m stupid. And why did I do this or that or why wasn’t I more careful, etc

I went through enough. I didn’t need to be interrogated or yelled or blamed for every single thing.

I’m sure that your husband would have the decency to listen to you, support you & empathize with you. Not mine.

I commend you for hanging in here and discussing it. Sometimes people feel overwhelmed on threads and shut down. You will most likely benefit and take something learned away from your perseverance.

I am also highly sensitive to tone. It is really helpful if people deliver a message in a soft way. It sounds like you feel sensitive to getting blamed, and probably got that a lot from your family. That’s why you detect blame where maybe no blame is being given.

Going into a club alone as a woman and drinking too much is like going into the lion’s den, lol. It’s the opposite of a place to relax and cope with anxiety and depression.

My husband never would have tolerated me doing that. It would be unheard of for me to have done.

Hi jesyka, very thought provoking thread! I’ve been following along; you’ve gotten some good feedback.

I just happened to stumble upon this page on Wikipedia tonight about bullying & emotional intelligence:

Bullying and emotional intelligence - Wikipedia

To summarize, it advises improving your emotional intelligence to make yourself less vulnerable to bullying.

I had to google how a person would go about improving emotional intelligence & came across this link:

Just a moment...

It is labeled as “career advice”, but it can also be applied to any interaction.

They list 9 steps:
1) be more self-aware
2) recognize how others feel
3) practice active listening
4) communicate clearly
5) stay positive
6) empathize
7) be open-minded
8) listen to feedback
9) stay calm under pressure

I don’t know if any of that is helpful? It’s quite a complicated topic with no easy answers, but it’s good to ask these questions. I hope you find peace, you deserve it. Take care.

Thanks for sharing that link. I think tgat part of the problem for me that I was an easy target. Hardly anyone ever stuck up for me & most of the time I didn’t even stick up for myself. When I did, I didn’t react to the situation appropriately. I overeacted instead of being calm & assertive about things.

I made myself to vulnerable to attack too. Especially when I went out to clubs by myself.

Thanks. You’re right about tone. And everything else. Going out alone was very dangerous. It was like gping into a lions den, lol. Wth was I thinking? lol. I did have some fun & I now have finally learned my lesson!

Never again! I’m not even 100% safe with a man ans a woman with me, even with do cslled friends, ugh!!!!

I can only be fairly safe with a trusted female friend who is either sober or someone who won’t be drinking much. And I definitely shouldn’t be drinking excessively at all anywhere.

I need to be more aware of my surroundings & to get away from any person who seems unhinged or dangerous immediately or get security involved.

And yes, my family has a lot to do with how I react to things at times.

Sorry to hear that. Some therapists aren’t that great. They shouldn’t say things that upset clients out of frustration. Maybe find another one.

You mentioned that you don’t feel like your family cares. Perhaps you were feeling like putting yourself in that situation because you felt like they don’t care what you do. Thankfully, you stayed relatively safe and unharmed.

Him being autistic certainly makes it harder to communicate normally with him. He just doesn’t get certain things at times

I read that predatory people often target people who don’t seem aware of their surroundings or confident. And they also target intoxicated or drugged out people too. And eimen who are alone or abandoned are often the most targeted victims

I tried to not look down, to look around & pay attention to my surroundings . And to try to hold my head up high, watch my posture, not dlouch, not fidget, etc.

Obviously I’m not fooling these predators. They can spot an act or they just know exactly whatvto look for. Maybe they tend to have a weird 6th sense for vulnerability.