How to Date After an Abusive Relationship?

Thank you, both. My gut feeling tells me to wait for quite a while before revealing anything. I also wish I could just come off my meds. I feel I don't need them anymore, but I don't have a p doc to monitor coming off.

Also, I have a bigger issue at play right now. Three or four people have approached me warning me of getting involved with this guy I am now seeing. It's been a month and we've been having a great time together. I really enjoy his company. But since several people are approaching me about him with negative rumors, I don't know what to think or do! Do I pay attention and walk away, or do I get to know him myself and see how it all unfolds with him? Do I give him a chance and proceed with caution, or walk away now based on rumors? I am seriously torn and don't know how to handle it.

I’d be very Leary of any guy who describes his past relationships as crazy. That’s a red flag right there.

I experienced some of the craziness first hand though. One of his ex’s contacted me. When I wished her well she became totally nasty with me, telling me I’m full of bs and started arguing with me. I had to block her. It was really negative and uncalled for.

Both of his recent ex's are mentally ill. His ex wife was/is not mentally ill. He calls only the recent ex's bat sh*it crazy.

I decided I'm going to make up my own mind, but will be on the lookout for any signs of anything negative or bad. The moment he disrespects me, I am outa there, if he does. So far, he's been a perfect gentleman.

So, I've been hanging out with this guy for a little over a month. We've had a bunch of sex so far, but one major complaint I have is we haven't done oral sex, which I love doing. I am puzzled and am scratching my head, wondering if he doesn't like it. I talked to one of my best girlfriends about it who said that's a dealbreaker, if it's important to you. And I didn't even realize until I spoke to her that it IS a dealbreaker for me. It IS very important to me to have that as a part of my sex life, and if he doesn't like doing it, it's not going to work.

There have been a few other bumps in the road, making me wonder if this is the best fit or not. It's a question mark right now, with no conclusion. Overall, we're enjoying each other's company, but a few things have come up that make me pause and question things.

I need to talk to him about the oral sex part and see if it's something he doesn't like doing.

I ended things with him.

Too many red flags came up in the last week or so about this guy.

FOUR people approached me to warn me about him, ALL saying negative things about him and telling me to be very careful.

There is the question of a possible date rape, which is what these four people were talking to me about.

The woman who claims he date raped her still wants to hang out with him, however, and keeps contacting him - like incessantly. She even wanted to crash on his couch one night, AFTER she had accused him of date rape. So I was willing to dismiss it because she is also mentally ill and unstable and could have been wrongfully accusing him. I mean, all i could think was that if it's true, WHY does she continue to want to hang out with him and why does she continue to contact him repeatedly?

But then one of these four people told me that this guy was previously involved in a prostitution ring and scandal that was busted up by the cops. I saw photos of his arrest back in 2015. He says he was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time and was never involved nor charged. He was let go, but initially was arrested.

Then, all he did was talk about his ex's to me - constantly. It grew OLD very fast! Story after story about his ex's. Who does that when they're first dating someone?

Then, the all night parties and the constant socialization. He had people/friends over his house CONSTANTLY. And there was always late night partying going on, with cocaine involved. He says he is not into it, but when I was with him Fri night at a show, he did a little bit of coke, then stayed up ALL NIGHT until 5 am, abandoning me.

Yes, it was his best friend's bday and they were celebrating, but earlier on in the evening, he had told me he did NOT want to stay up all night. When I chose to go to bed at 1:30-2 AM, he promised me he would come join me soon in bed. Then, he stayed up THREE MORE HOURS, and left me alone in the bedroom, while he partied all night long. I had to get up and go retrieve him at 5 am... and I was really upset. I felt abandoned. I was his GUEST! And he chose to party over tending to his guest. That told me where his priorities lie.

Then, the sexual aspects - I had asked him for oral sex more than once, and he made excuses as to why he couldn't. His mouth was too dry, or he couldn't breathe. NO foreplay and NO oral sex, the whole time we were together, and we probably had sex like 10 times. I need foreplay and I need and want oral sex. It's a dealbreaker if someone won't give that to me. Then when I asked him point blank if he doesn't enjoy it and asked him why we hadn't done it yet? He acted like he was holding out on me, which comes across as an attempt at power and control.

Then this weekend when we were talking about his ex wife's job, he made a jab at me and said that his ex's company is more well known than the company I work for. I didn't like that and did not know why he felt the need to say such a thing. It was put down, or came across as one. As though he was trying to prove that his ex is what, better than me career-wise?

FAR FAR too much, after just one month of dating.

WOW - Just WOW. So he called last night to talk to me about all of this... about my reasons for breaking up with him. I was honest and upfront with him the other day about WHY. Next, he tries to tell me what he and his friends all think - as though what? They were all teaming up against me??????? He talked to his friends about it and said things like "well, WE all think" this or that about what I had told him were my reasons. He then communicated that he and his friends ALL feel I am in the wrong for feeling the way I felt last Fri night when he abandoned me to party all night long! GEEEZ! I told him flat out - that's NOT OK - this GROUP THINK mentality! I told him - look, you had told me you didn't want to stay up all night, then you did cocaine, then you promised me at 1:30-2:00 am that you would come to bed soon, then you didn't and chose to stay up for THREE more hours partying with your friends! I had to come get you at 5 am to bring you to bed. Yes, it was his best friend's bday, but what is she? 6 years old? She needs someone to hold her hand all night long?!? She's over 60 years old!!!!!!!! He couldn't just come to bed at 3 am and join me like he promised he would? Instead, he chooses to party over tending to his guest that he invited??????? He invited me to stay in a cabin overnight with he and all his friends. I did NOT anticipate an all night cocaine fest. I told him had I known that's what it was going to be, I never would have agreed to go! But, bottom line is: it shows a complete lack of consideration to abandon me like that. Had the roles been reversed, I would have joined my guest in bed at a reasonable time, not 5 am, hours after my guest had decided to go to bed! WTF?!?

Am I WRONG?????

Starting Today, Jealous Lovers Can Buy NSA-Like Monitoring Powers

it is an old article and I do not know what the state of the art for such tracking is now.

WOW - that is creepy!!!! Thanks for sharing the article.

My ex husband did help me to upgrade and buy a new iPhone maybe a year or two ago, but I don't remember if he ordered it or not.

Well, so guy #2 is out and interestingly enough, guy #1 is still available and interested!!

So, guy #1 and I are talking again and are trying to figure out dating because he lives about 1.5 hours away from me and he is also very busy with 2 jobs. I texted guy #1 last Friday night while crap was going down with guy #2. I told guy #1 that I missed him and wish I was with him. He told me he misses me too, so when I broke it off with guy #2, we started talking again.

There's something about guy #1 that I cannot pinpoint that strongly attracts me to him. There's something in his eyes - whether it's a kindness or hidden pain behind his eyes I cannot tell - or maybe both. I feel like I can see a view into his soul when I look into his blue eyes, and it's intense. We have something intense between us and it's more than just physical attraction. It feels like a soul-level attraction, so deeper. I told him this at one point.. that there was something stronger between us beyond my comprehension.

He's super cute too and one years older than me. I like that. Guy #2 was just kind of average looking, six years younger than me, and he has very small, beady eyes. I didn't really like his eyes, and eyes are a big thing for me. You can read people through their eyes and through the look in their eyes. And guy #2's eyes were so beady and small, that I wasn't as attracted physically or emotionally.

Why I chose guy #2 over guy #1? Guy #2 communicated far more with me - every day.. every morning and night. Guy #1 didn't communicate at all in between times we saw each other. So, we would get together, make out and then not talk for 2 weeks. It was too distant for me. And when I told guy #1 that I wanted to go with guy #2, I told him that he didn't communicate with me. So now he's trying to communicate more with me. He's reached out twice this week to say hello via text. It was a nice surprise to hear from him. I think I must have had some impact on him because of my complaint and observation. He's making more of an effort with me, and I appreciate that.

So, now I am moving towards dating guy #1 again. And I am thankful that he is still around, still interested, and still available. He says he is not interested in anyone else, and I told him the same. He says he really likes me a lot and wants to spend time with me and get to know me better. I'd like him to take me to dinner. Like a real date. So far, he's taken me to a private pool party and a baseball game. But I'd also love to do a more traditional type of date night.

I'm excited about him. I've let go of guy #2 at this point. I was saddened for 2 days about it, but I'm over it. Moving on. He's not for me and he's not the one. I refuse to be around cocaine and people who are doing cocaine on any level. NOT my scene. Sure, I can party, stay up late, and have fun with people, but not in that way. I like my sleep, and I hate the way it feels the next day. I like having serotonin in my brain. Cocaine robs your brain of serotonin. And I've seen loads of bad stuff happen with cocaine. Lots. All negative. NO thank you.

I totally understand regarding the importance of the eyes and liking your sleep.

His beady eyes kind of creeped me out. I couldn't see any emotion, depth, or spark in his eyes at all. It was weird.

Guy #1.

It turns out he was angry that I dated someone else, or got hurt by that, and by the fact that I bailed on his nephew's benefit gathering and our hotel stay the week before we were supposed to go.

After I broke up with guy #2, guy #1 had told me that he wants to see me at least once per week. that he likes me a lot, that he thinks about me a lot, and that he can't wait to see me. Then, when we do see each other, he acted the opposite way! He was distant and kept walking away from me each time I approached him to talk, and he blew me off!

The next day, he revealed to me how upset he was over the fact that I bailed on him to date someone else, and that I bailed on our hotel plans the week before.

Well, WTF do you expect when you don't communicate with me at all in between times of seeing each other? I told him this. I told him WHY I chose to date someone else. He wasn't available, so I dated another man who was!
WTF????

And, WHY tell me that you can't wait to see me, just two nights before we see each other again, and then you give me the cold shoulder? His sudden change in behavior & attitude was contradictory, surprising, and unsettling.

WTF is going on here?????

So, I called a psychic. And the info I received was shocking. She said this guy is a narcissist and to RUN AWAY. She said that he is very controlling and manipulative, that he will make you bend over backwards apologizing for something minor, that he is passive aggressive, and many more details.

Yes, I call psychics for insights from time to time. And yes, I do take all that they tell me with a grain of salt. Often they've been right on, and just as often, they've been wrong.

But, this gave me some important and valuable information which ultimately reminds me to proceed with extreme caution.

If I am not seeing red flags when there ARE red flags, I need to begin paying greater attention. I get distracted by other life issues and can miss these things.

This was a huge bummer to receive such negative info on a man whom I've liked since August.

BUT, IF there are red flags, I'd much rather see them now than later and allow myself to be available for the RIGHT man.

I do not believe that psychics can do more than guess and interpret based on what info you give them, not necessarily verbally, but I do believe that their input can nonetheless be valuable as you learn a lot about yourself from examining your personal reactions to what they say. I think this is exactly what happened with your last call to a psychic.

Yes, and the result is that it's made me more cautious, which is a good thing. I don't think I was thinking objectively enough about guy #1, and I was getting caught up in romantic feelings. I need to step back, observe, and evaluate. And that's what the psychic taught me, so it was valuable information.

I've got to squash my physical and sexual desires for guy #1. I invited him to join me at a Halloween party Sat night, he dragged his heels then declined. It's just not happening for us, so I give up. I will no longer initiate contact with him, or invite him anywhere. I've got to move on and just live my life.

You deserve someone who will treat you like a queen, Hope

Thank you so much.

Ugh, I did not squash my desires for guy #1.

I saw him last night, and we kissed at the end of the night for a long time. I was pent up with frustration and desire from not being able to kiss him over the last several weeks while still wanting to. He said some strange things to me too which leave me scratching my head wondering if he's a game player or a control freak.

After I had left the club, I told him I'm not pursuing him anymore. He wrote back, saying, "good, now maybe there's something to work on." That was an odd response. So, I said, you cannot control everything and does it all need to be on your terms?

We had gotten into a slight back and forth argument about what had happened between us recently, while also kissing in my car. While kissing and talking, I commented that he CAN open up to me and I told him that dating DOES come with some degree of risk. I said this because he had backed off from me for a while, seeming like he's trying to protect himself from getting hurt. His response? I don't need dating advice, he says. That was a snarky comment, I felt, and kind of devaluing.

I don't know how to feel or what to think except a bit like he's trying to control the whole process of getting to know each other, and maintain everything on HIS terms. He says he likes me a lot. I don't know what I think of him, to be honest. Something kinda feels off.

Follow your gut feeling, if something feels wrong it probably is, Hope

I would second this advice.

Mind games from him, and you haven't even started dating him? NOPE

Thank you! I need to listen this time!!

yep - agreed!!!