i consider my self a one man girl

i consider my self a one man girl. but my BF is not. he loves to have fun with different people and knowing i would do anything to make him happy, he is taking advantage of me. last night, his best friend, ironically a girl, came to crash at our place. and he made me share our bed with her and even got in the middle, so that me and her would be on two sides of him. i forced myself to fall asleep and is trying not to think anything negative about it. and i am so scared that one day i will have to wake up to something that would make my heart break. i am trying to hold things in and not show any emotions towards this. i want him to be happy after all. i just feeling so down at the moment without someone that i can talk to. i just want someone to hold me and say everything is going to be alright and that my BF actually loves me but i have no one that could do that. So its life for me

Hi @patbunny1 - welcome back to MSF. I am sorry that what you are looking for in a relationship is not being fulfilled.

I personally think your boyfriend has a totally different idea of how to have romance. If you had a therapist I would say to talk to them. This boyfriend does not seem like a good fit for what you are looking for, which sounds like a monogamous relationship. He seems to have an eye for other women.

Rather than try to make your boyfriend into something that he is not now, maybe it is time to look at things from a new perspective.

CANDC

I was in a similar situation with a relationship. For me it was untenable and no matter how hard it tried to be ok with it, I never could be.

Above all else you have to be true to yourself and your ideals, and you should try to find someone for loves you and your ideals and your feelings.

Love means nurturing the best of someone, if someone loves you it isn’t about what they get from you, it’s about what they give to you.

Has he ever cross the line with someone else, at least, as far as you know?

That would be a serious dealbreaker for almost anyone, unless they are of like minds.

Have you had a deliberate heart-to-heart with your BF to tell him that it is making you uncomfortable to feel like you are sharing him with others?

That should be the next step, I would hope.

Patbunny1, I am sorry that you feel taken adavantage of by your friend but I am so proud of you for recognizing that you deserver better. I have been right were you are at. Feelings of rejection can hurt deeply, so deeply. I give you a hug and say, listen to your wise heart and be your authentic self and be okay with being a one man girl. There is someone out there that is a one girl man looking for you.

Thank You for saying that. You have no idea how much it means to me to hear that <3

Hi CANDC.
what do u mean a new perspective? i'm trying to untangle my life puzzle and feel like all the moves i am making is making it more messed up

hi Whirling Dervish.
No. he hasn't been cheating if that is what u mean. he just wants me to be involved in that stuff. and for a long time i held myself back, saying no, i am not comfortable. and over time, since i have nothing else to do other than stay with him, i have said yes. but i dont enjoy them. at least they were with people we had no idea who they are. and this time, its his best friend. that is why i am worried.

to every one who have replied to me. forgive me i have no idea how to tag some one in a reply

You may be a "one man girl" but you better make sure that one man has the same values you do. Don't compromise your values because you will regret it later. That will only add more messed up feelings to yiur existing confusion about yourself you are already feeling. Don't settle for someone who manipulates you into compromising to their values.

You can find better but you need to be in control of getting out of where you are & not saying ok to something that really isn't ok for you.

You might be a 'one man girl' but the guy you chose told you explicitly that he is *not* into monogamy. So, if you want to stay with him, this is what to expect. You will have to share him with other lovers and face heartache.

But that is your choice to make. It all depends on what you think you deserve.

This is not your person. A person for you will respect your wants and needs and not basically force you into agreeing he can do something you do not value. Throw this one back - it's a bad fish.

I've read about polyamorous couples where the woman was a one man girl and the man had other lovers and it worked for them, but it does not sound like something that will work for you. It is best to detach yourself from the guy atm, take time to heal and recuperate, and then hopefully get with another guy who, like you, would want complete monogamy in his relationship.

@rive
hmm, yeah i know. but i feel too afraid to decide what to do.

@Molinit
i really wish its that easy. but i'm too coward-ish to do it

@Tart Cherry Jam
i used to be a hopeless romantic at one point. but now i do not believe in those things. i'm the one who asked out from him thinking he's teh one and now i'm the one that's suffering. i'm way too attached after 4 years of living together and i have completely forgot what life bfor this even was like. and now cant live alone without him. i love him, i do. but, uk what i mean. i dont even think i can think straight anymore

Quote:

Originally Posted by patbunny1 @Tart Cherry Jam i used to be a hopeless romantic at one point. but now i do not believe in those things. i'm the one who asked out from him thinking he's teh one and now i'm the one that's suffering. i'm way too attached after 4 years of living together and i have completely forgot what life bfor this even was like. and now cant live alone without him. i love him, i do. but, uk what i mean. i dont even think i can think straight anymore

That is not a healthy life to be living. It is already taking its toll on your ability to think rationally. I lived in a bad marriage for 33 years....I can tell you....living alone is so much better than living in a relationship where you can't think straight....that kind of relationship will destroy you. I doubt that is even REAL love but probably more like co-dependency. Don't screw up the rest of your life.....4 years is nothing compared to the damage staying can do

@eskielover
i know. but i have doubts if i am ready for a change yet. i knw i have to do something but still dont have a gut to do it

Of course you can live without him. You lived alone, without him, before you got together with him. Your survival or whole life does not depend on this man.

The fact is that you are not enough for him. He told you this explicitly.

Give yourself the chance to be loved as much as you love someone. Not just the scraps that they throw at you. This guy will only throw scraps at you.

When it hurts enough you’ll do something.

This is kind of a dangerous way of thinking, putting off action u tip the damage has already been done

Op, Please do something to resolve this before you get hurt

Quote:

Originally Posted by patbunny1 @eskielover i know. but i have doubts if i am ready for a change yet. i knw i have to do something but still dont have a gut to do it

Sometimes you have to take action for your own well being whether you have the guts for it or not. I walked out finally after 33 years in a marriage & moved 2100 miles away to a place I didn't know anyone to start life over. Didn't take guts it just took determination that it was what I needed to do. Best decision in my whole life. Yes, I am making it fine on my own & much better than I ever did with him & I am happy & at peace finally

Wanting someone you love to be happy doesn't mean that you go along with every fool idea that comes into his head. It sounds like he's testing what you'll tolerate. Letting that girl in the bed was ridiculous. That was him checking to see how big a fool you are.

You have to put your foot down. A guy in a relationship can not have a female friend who is so close that she shows up to crash at your place. Her getting in bed with you is utterly ridiculous. This "friend" is way too dependent on your guy. Tell your man he is to never, ever do that again.

I think it is a big mistake to live with a man who is not sure he wants to be monogamous. If that's how he is, you are headed for heartbreak.

It is very hard, extremely hard to imaging life how it had been before you fell in love with him. But you had lived, you had had fun, you had enjoyed friendships, you had been yourself. I would suggest getting in touch with you as you had been before you met him. This will demonstrate to you that you exist as a whole and separate unit outside of the relationship with him. I do realize how hard it is but suggest that you try rekindling your friendships from before you met him as these friends will remind you that you have a separate existence, separate from his man and your feelings for him. Visiting places where you had been without him would help, too.