Hiw can I get my stubborn & cheap husband to listen to me?

Happy Holidays to everyone first of all. As some of you know, I have numerous issues with my cheap & controlling husband.

We recently had a serious issue with our plumbing. The kitchen sink was clogged & so was everything in both of our bathrooms.

He’s insane. He didn’t do anything for WEEKS! He refused to hire a plumber until recently.

He said he’d fix things but he put things off for a long time! He only called the plumber as the dirty dishes were stacking up. And we obviously needed to use the toilet. He’s so crazy that he expected me to use the public toilets instead of calling a plumber right away! Ugh!

It wasn’t an issue for him as he could use the toilet at work!

It’s disgusting how cheap he is! He only paid the plumber to fix the sink & his bathroom & my toilet.

The sink & the shower in MY bathroom is still clogged. I had to pester him to death to try to fix everything yesterday. He told me to stop nagging him.

Things still aren’t working, I’ve had a clogged sink & shower for months! Things get clogged often in my bathroom. This has been an issue for years! Each time he takes forever to fix it or hire a plumber!

He told me to just use his shower! He kerps complaining that we have no money, but everytime I go to the bank, we usually have at least $20000 or more in the checking account!!!!

Sometimes $50000, so wth? I understand the hat he owes the IRS a lot, but this is a necessity!!!!

How can I get him to listen to reason & stop being so cheap? Surprisingly he spent money for a smog check for my car recently.

He doesn’t see this as being a necessity or an emergency situation though.

I’m afraid that I’ll need to use $300 plus some of the small weekly allowance he gives me each week to hire a plumber myself & NOT tell him about. I can’t rely on a credit card as everything is maxed out & I don’t want him to find put about things anyways.

Draino isn’t working btw. Why is he like this? What can I do?

You can’t change how other people do things. But you also don’t need anyone’s permission to call a plumber.

I never ask my husband to call anyone. Whoever notices the issue first mentions it to the other person so we are on the same page and schedules whatever maintenance we need. We do need to consult with each other to make sure one of us is home as we both work.

But you don’t work. You don’t even need to ask him to be home. Now I understand that maybe you feel you can’t call a plumber because you don’t have your own money but you are married and have been with this man for 30 years! My sister in law doesn’t work. She doesn’t ask my brothers permission to call maintenance. That’s not how marriage works

When plumber arrives, write him a check. From joint account. You seem to live like a captive or a child or a woman in medieval times.

If you are afraid of him, what’s he going to do? Yell? Let him yell. If he gets violent, waves his gun like he did before, call the police. Let law enforcement interfere

Things aren’t as easy as that. I have no access to the checkbook. He has threatened to take my name off the joint account numerous times. Did you forget about that?

There isn’t much that I can do. He is financially controlling.

I need money to pay the plumber obviously. I can pay the plumber with my last check & use some of the weekly cash that I get too.

I’m not a child, but I am being financially abused. Do you understand that now?

I didn’t forget that. But threatening to take you off the accounts is not the same as actually taking you off. Are you still on the account? You never said he took you off.

If you don’t have a checkbook, you could transfer money digitally. Like bank transfers or pay pal etc all you need is to have a bank account. I do occasionally use checks but my husband never does. You don’t need a checkbook

I am not saying you are a child but this sounds like life of a child. Like you can’t do anything on your own without parental permission

If there’s no way for you to get into joint account for some reason, you might use that allowance money for maintenance. If he pays for all household expenses, you might have to pay for repairs.

Are you looking for a job? Or applying for disability?

I can’t risk taking out money to often from the bank. Especially now. He complained about having to pay for necessities like my registration & smog check. That cheapskate doesn’t seem to want to spend any money on me most of the time.

He only does certain things out of necessity. So unfortunately I’ll need to use my own money from my last check.

He just refuced my weekly allowance, so this eill make things harder. I hate him. He is probably punishing me for spending ‘to much’. He complained about me ordering Dominos pizza & grossly exaggerated how I order food everyday which isn’t true.

He whined about he never spends any money, but he still smokes 2 packs a day. That habit isn’t cheap. AND he gave his hairdresser $40 cash for Christmas! Wth?I’m livid! I should’ve thrown our all the evidence. From now on I can’t let him see me come home with anything, even groceries.

He says I don’t need to go to the chiropractor, so he is no longer giving me extra money for that despite my back being in bad shape.

I can’t leave him though as I’m dependent on him financially.

I don’t qualify for disability as I’d need 40 work credits that I don’t have. Tart Cherry Jam confirmed that I’d need 40 credits.

The credit cards are maxed out too. I only have 3 very low limit ones that he deliberately pays late almost all the time to keep my credit bad.

I’ve been very sick for 7 months. I’m almost better now. I resent him even more now as I had to work when I was coughing like crazy.

It’ll probably take me forever but o find a job, even in retail as I’m not good with interviews & I have limited work experience.

I got rejected for a seasonal stock position around the holidays as I don’t think that I answered the interviewers one million questions the right way. Ex, they asked me if I was interested in being a manager at one point in the first & I said no. I guess I should’ve lied, lol.

Most people don’t want to hire people who aren’t outgoing either it seems like.

I got lucky with the last job since the interview was over the phone & thet were desperate to hire anyone for the holiday season but less picky in a way due to it bring a seasonal position.

Plumbing, especially when the water doesn’t go through, is an emergency. It’s not frivolous spending. Does he not know that?

Christmas gift of 40 to your regular hairdresser is a common and appropriate gift. It’s not outrageous. I’d not complain about that.

You should be able to buy groceries. Let him talk.

I think getting a job is the best bet for you. Retail hires anyone and everyone and you don’t need to be outgoing to get a job. But it doesn’t sound like you want retail job. Why not try something like take medical assistant or biller or administration courses and work in doctors office?

You can’t change your husband but you can change your own life

True, plumbing issues is an emergency. What baffkes me is that we usually hwve 20000 or more in our joint account, so it’s not like we are extremely broke.

I don’t understand that. Usually the average amount is about 30000-50000.

So I don’t understand why he acts like we can’t afford a plumber. This is b.s & highly disturbing. Not to mention it pisses me off to how he doesn’t care about my comfort at all.

He told me to use his shower. He doesn’t think that my shower needs to be fixed as its not a necessity in his eyes, ugh.

He keeps on acting like we’re literally about to become homeless! It’s disgusting how cheap he is.

I no longer feel comfortable coming home with groceries as he whined about me buying’ ‘to much food’ too.

I could work retail again as long as the environment isn’t hostile like it was last time. I’d also meed to find a place that won’t expect me to be by myself with no help from anyone after training me for only 4 hours in one day, ridiculous!!!!

I hardly know how to use most computer programs aside from very basic Word. Most places require experience with Excel.

I tried learning this stuff twice & gave up as it was to hard for me. The classes wete way to fast paced & confusing for me too.

I’m a slow learner & I think I probably have some learning disabilities too as well as having extreme difficulty remembering things.

Especially things I don’t care about. My long term memory sucks.

A lot of places actually list that they want outgoing bubbly people. Especially for office & customer service jobs. Some even list being able to smike a lot as a requirement. I can’t fake smile convincingly all day. I’m the worst actress ever, lol.

So I’m severly limited in what I can do. And obviously not all retail places will hore just anyone. I was rejected for a stock position at a major retailer.

I was also rejected from Safeway too. I actually got hired then the offer got rescinded. I thiink ot was because I had a DUI still on my record . Or they discriminated against me for having valium shiw up in the drug test.

Getting a job isn’t that easy. I have often went for months without a job in the past because no one wanted to hire me. I have more limitations to what I can do long yerm now as I have neck & back issues. I used to do stock & that did a number on my body.. I was in extreme pain everyday.

So I had to always take what I could get unfortunately. I might look into Door Dash or Uber Eats as I can do that alone & it’s flexible.

Also, a friend of mine is doing that so she can answer questions that I have. The main problem would involve not being able to find an apartment number inside the building.

Why can’t you find an apartment number? Aren’t there numbers on doors?You push the button and they buzz you in or you call them that you are outside.

Well if the reason you have hard time finding a job is not being able to pass drug test or other substance abuse issues, then I can’t advise on that. But I was never drug tested in retail. They don’t care about that.

If you have a prescription for Valium, you should be able to show it if they do test and it shows as positive. But again they typically don’t test.

As I suggest before, speak to disability vocational services and let them help you finding job and providing training.

I didn’t actually work for Door Dash yet. That’s what my friend told me. If that is the main issue with that type of job, then I’d say it’s not that big of a problem. Maybe I van do that. She said that you can call Door Dash for help.

I was never told why the Safeway job was rescinded. I can only speculate about things. I don’t do drugs btw.

I need to get over this dry cough before I begin looking for another job. Hopefully I’ll be able to find one to where they’ll provide real training & not expect me to figure everything out on my own acter a few hours. Ridiculous.

Is’nt it stupid to how some places expect you to do everything on your own after a few hours of training? It’s not enough!

Maybe a few places will train you for a few days, but after that if you are still asking questions, they’ll let you go.

I do not understand why, while Divine keeps referring you to vocational services, you never go and yet you talk at length about you physical, mental, and learning ailments. Go to vocational services.

Are you annoyed with me now? Things aren’t that simple. Most of those places can only do so much. I have looked into a lot of places for my health for example & have found that no one is able or willing to help people who aren’t considered very low income as everything is based off the combined household income, not an individuals income where I live.

I have tried in vain to get help for my issues but the only places I’ve managed to find was a place that offered student therapist therapy for a year at $5 a week as it is based on an individuals income.

I got dropped after 2 years after I ended up with a student therapist who didn’t like me for a change. She wasn’t that experienced & I overwhelmed her, and she didn’t like the fact that I didn’t make any progress in the few months she knew me.

So her & her supervisor banned me from using their services claiming they couldn’t help me. I am still seing a free psychiatrist who stubbornly resists trying different medications with me. She always insists on upping the current dosage first even though it’s not working,

See how frustrated I am? These free government places are severely limited in what kind of help they can offer people.

Especially people who aren’t low income by their definition. Same with my health issues. Planned Parenthood for example charged mire than my actual gynecologist at the time.

They said that they do verify income & that they only help low income people. They themselves don’t do it, but another party does & if you’re caught lying, you’d get into legsl trouble. There was no point in me paying more money for that for a routine exam.

Please don’t judge me until you’ve walked in my shoes.

I have obviously tried many things & the system keeps failing & rejecting me.

I can’t get on disability either as you yourself have stated that I need 40 work credits that I don’t have.

It’s not like I’m not trying . Hell, I worked at a horrible retail job recently when I was very sick too! And I stayed there for two or three weeks despite being treated badly too!

I wasn’t properly trained. They refused to train
me after the first day. I was bullied there too by numerous people.

So obviously I’m trying but no one wants to give me a break or really help me!!!

I did apply for a lot of jobs but only that one retailer offered me a job. I had no choice but to accept it as no one else wanted to hire me,

So obviously I’m doing something to help myself.

On top of that, every domestic violence shelter is always full! So I literally have nowhere to go!

I wasn’t talking about some places. I was strictly talking about vocational disability services, which each state has. Vocational disability services can do and do a lot e every single day. I told you I know it professionally.

They’ll find you a suitable job and they will provide training (free or low cost) and will make sure you have accommodations if you need them. Ton of people rely on vocational disability services all over the US for their educational and employment needs.

No it is not income based. Not at all. They don’t care about your husband and what he makes. The only thing you need to qualify is to have a disability of any kind-mental physical neurological etc and to be unemployed. According to you you are disabled and can’t work any kind of random job. You’ll qualify and in addition they can provide more testing to see what else you have (like you said you think you have learning disability)

If you aren’t sure you could give them a call, I gave you their phone number and sent you links.

Do you want me to resend you links/phone numbers?

Sure thanks. Tbh, I’m going to 200% give up on everything if this doesn’t work. I’m sick & tired of trying & failing or not being able to get much help or extremely limited help everywhere.

Even when I try to help myself , I STILL get harshly judged! It’s extremely annoying & depressing!
Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut from now on & not tell anyone about my problems,.

I once again ended annoying another person on here today!!!! Ugh!!!!

Thanks for your help & your paitence. It’s clear to me now that almost everyone on here thinks that I’m annoying & stupid & that they probably wish that I would leave & never post on here again!

It seems like almost everyone on here hates me!

No one hates you but rather provides you with possible solutions for your problems

You wrote a very long post about a lot of things but did not respond to the single, narrow and pointed question about why you still have not contacted vocational services. You are in a rare position in that Divine, who is advising you from the vantage point of professional expertise, is continuously trying to help, but you refuse to accept her (free) help and follow her advice. She cannot contact vocational services for you. There is a certain amount of self advocacy and effort that you should be willing to put in. Help won't arrive like manna from heaven. You need to do your part and help others help you.

Yes, I am annoyed by what appears to be a hamster running in a wheel efficiency level of your posts and threads that regurgitate the same points to never get anywhere, and I mean not anywhere productive. You project an incredible degree of helplessness, incredible in general and especially for your age bracket, and that draws some people in and makes them want to help you become at least a little more independent and self-sufficient, but seeing that no progress is ever made is very frustrating.

The DUI can be removed from the record for the purposes of applying for private employment after 7 years. It will always be visible for state and federal employers. I did it for my ex husband. It cost me $300 in 2011 in Monterey county. I do not know what the cost would be now in Santa Clara county. How old is your DUI conviction?

I doubt DUI would prevent you from working in retail. It’s not like you are looking for a drivers job.

My husband used disability services two times in his life. For college needs. They also provide tuition assistance. All he needed was to show his psychiatrist’s letter than he has Tourette’s syndrome with OCD. That’s all. They do their own evaluation as well. For example if you score low academically but want college assistance that wouldn’t work. Show them whatever physical or mental disability you have and they’ll advice you

Wouldn't disability vocational services be reserved for only those individuals who are receiving disability benefits already?

I don't think at all that the OP is not trying to help herself. What I hear is a lot of exasperation from the OP on not finding the right avenues and resources for actual real help and a lot of frustration as a result of many dead ends.

@jesyka, you cannot change your husband's behaviors or treatment of you. It's horrifying and astounding to me that he refuses to fix your own shower. This man is very controlling and as you said, is beyond cheap. You're not going to be able to change that. It's unfortunate that you're dependent on him financially.

The key for you will be to find a means to become independent so that you can leave him. I don't have the answers to that, but again, I question whether DISABILITY vocational services would even be available to you, someone who is not receiving disability benefits.

No you don’t need to be on disability at all or on any benefits at all. Disability vocational services are for anyone who HAS any disability and are either looking for a job or want education/training. It’s provided by state for life as long as you aren’t employed and have disability. Each state has its own division of it. Many many people rely on it. It’s a wonderful service

Jesyka I’ll resend you links when I am home. Am on the other side of the world en route home