[ZenZeta]

I am so bummed out and sad that once again, my weirdness has caused issues.

As you've all read, I've been griping about working with a manager that (what I felt) was forcing me to be super social with coworkers from responding to after hours messages about someone's vacation (a chat that I muted), to wearing a birthday had and changing my background for a birthday on the extended team (which I didn't have time to do because I had muted the chat on my phone). I did put a happy birthday GIF in the Zoom Meeting.

I got in trouble today (again) because I didn't come to "game day".

After reading responses provided here (THANK YOU), I realized that I could try harder, so I made sure to write down what I was going to say when they asked for updates and to make a list of everyone in the group and check off who had already spoken so I would know who to "pass it to".

The comment was made today (by the same warm and fuzzy leader) that I was exaggerating, and that my comment that I don't really eat Tacos to the "What's your favorite taco place" question was rude.

She went further to state that my answers to the "engagement topic" questions are too short. (??????????????) What's your favorite vacation spot?
"I like the beach...." and I make it a point to smile and look directly into the camera....

I don't purposely go out of my way to not be liked, but I rarely am (which is why I just spend time with my dog). I don't know why it's bothering me so badly. I really enjoy the WORK and I've been told by stakeholders that I'm good at it.

I know sometimes things just aren't a fit, but I feel like I'm never a fit anywhere. I'm spiraling... sorry for the rant.

I thought I was REALLY trying. What did I do wrong?

[Nammu]

As far as I can see you didn’t do anything wrong. That boss sound intolerant. It’s not rude to say you don’t eat tocos, that’s a fact. So what if you don’t have a favorite toco place. I keep my answers to those kinds of questions short too. Mostly because I feel it has no place in the workplace. Once, long ago I was asked to lead a team on how to make the workplace more efficient because I spoke up and said the the majority of the mandatory meeting were a waste of time. My boss liked that and asked how to make them better. My answer? To have less of them, not to serve food and drink. Some of the people didn’t like that because we got paid for mandatory meeting and making them longer with food and drink meant they were getting paid for eating and wasting time.

[Open Eyes]

Is there a HR person you’re u can talk to? You should not feel pressured to hang out with co workers. This is a job and that is what your focus should be on.

[divine1966]

This work place is insane. I’ve been in a work force steadily for the past 40 years. I worked with all kind of people: social, not social, extraverted, introverted, loud, quiet, friendly, not friendly etc etc who cares. No one is required to socialize.

It’s just this place you described that demands socializations. It really is a bad fit

[ZenZeta]

I am sooo with you!!! I don't mind meetings that have a purpose and measurable goal. I've learned that people need that "warmth", so I will say "Good Morning" "Did everyone have a nice weekend?" (and inwardly hope that the coworker who thinks this is an invitation to tell every single detail about their weekend doesn't speak up"

Then I'm at "Agenda Item One is..."

Thank you for your response

[ZenZeta]

It's unfortunate. When I have the opportunity to put my head down and do my work, I sooo enjoy it and the paycheck is great, but they're not going to change, and despite their beliefs, I am trying....

So, for the next two weeks, I feel like I have to REALLY turn on the charm, really focus on looking into the camera (eye contact makes me uncomfortable) and plastering on a smile... and they thought I was being facetious before... yikes....

[ZenZeta]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Is there a HR person you’re u can talk to? You should not feel pressured to hang out with co workers. This is a job and that is what your focus should be on.

I didn't want to get anyone in trouble, but I do think I'll look through some HR manuals.

The thing is... the buzzword for this company is "engagement" and "culture", so I stick out like a sore thumb.

[Molinit]

Zen, have you disclosed that you've been diagnosed ASD? Because I feel like you shouldn't be pushed out of this workplace that is working for you because of their unreasonable social demands. None of what they're complaining about is part of work!

If you haven't disclosed, can you rescind your notice and ask them to please accommodate your needs? This is ridiculous - your favorite taco place, "too short" answer to your favorite vacation spot...it's, as divine said, insane!

[unaluna]

Seriously, are you in a communist or socialist country? In the early 1980's, in California, our secretary got in trouble for releasing personal information about an employee when she insisted on celebrating the employee's birthday at work, after the employee told her not to. You should not have to disclose your diagnosis for simply human treatment.

[SpaghettiLegs]

The entire situation is absurd. Which country do you work in? All this socialising and games nonsense must be hard on more employees there, I don't know many people that would enjoy it appreciate it.

[Tart Cherry Jam]

I like the idea of rescinding the notice and asking to accommodate ASD instead. You have got nothing to lose atm.

[eskielover]

You may like the work but the bottom line is even IF they were to accomodate for ASD, that would not make you fit in, it would just accomodate your not fitting in & who knows what issues that would create?

I loved my home & everything I had from my 33 years in marriage EXCEPT my happiness & peace. He tried (or so he said) to "change" but what he saw was not my reality. For me, I was the one who left because I just never wanted to fit into the life he was forcing the marriage to be & it was failing miserable even as just a business partnership. It is about knowing yourself & knowing what you are really willing to want your life to be like given who & what you are within those limitations. By forcing issues it doesn't really solve any problems & usually only creates others. My now ex tried hard to make divorce difficult/ next to impossible because he felt divorce showed him as a failure. Thing was by doing what he did he is the one who lost everything. Being wise & not what we think is "right" is usually what is best for us

[Tart Cherry Jam]

What was in writing regarding your boss telling you your answers were too short, thr answer about not eating tacos was rude etc.?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam

What was in writing regarding your boss telling you your answers were too short, thr answer about not eating tacos was rude etc.?

Good question. I follow up with a question: if it wasn’t in writing, were other people there and heard her say that?

[ZenZeta]

Originally Posted by SpaghettiLegs

The entire situation is absurd. Which country do you work in? All this socialising and games nonsense must be hard on more employees there, I don't know many people that would enjoy it appreciate it.

I live in the US, AND in the South (which adds an additional "forced friendship" dynamic.

[ZenZeta]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Good question. I follow up with a question: if it wasn’t in writing, were other people there and heard her say that?

I think that was her interpretation, but she is VERY talkative. Seriously... if you ask "how was your day?", prepare for at least 10 minutes of mindless chatter.

[ZenZeta]

Originally Posted by eskielover

You may like the work but the bottom line is even IF they were to accomodate for ASD, that would not make you fit in, it would just accomodate your not fitting in & who knows what issues that would create?

I loved my home & everything I had from my 33 years in marriage EXCEPT my happiness & peace. He tried (or so he said) to "change" but what he saw was not my reality. For me, I was the one who left because I just never wanted to fit into the life he was forcing the marriage to be & it was failing miserable even as just a business partnership. It is about knowing yourself & knowing what you are really willing to want your life to be like given who & what you are within those limitations. By forcing issues it doesn't really solve any problems & usually only creates others. My now ex tried hard to make divorce difficult/ next to impossible because he felt divorce showed him as a failure. Thing was by doing what he did he is the one who lost everything. Being wise & not what we think is "right" is usually what is best for us

Thank you for this.

That's why I decided to submit notice. ASD aside, no one likes to constantly feel "not good enough" or question everything I do.

This is literally causing me anxiety. I don't know what to say or do...

[ZenZeta]

...and an update...

I wish I could jut quit right now (as I try to dry my tears before the next meeting)

After being told that I "need" to respond to the group Microsoft Teams chat (which I keep muted because the constant notifications are distracting) ... which is a bunch of silly polls about our favorite time of the year, how we prefer our eggs cooked (I WISH I was kidding), I decided to go with what works for me... PROCESS. I found five of the cutest GIFs and scheduled one to be delivered every day this week at the beginning of the workday.

Today my manager messages me that doing the "extra" is not genuine (what part of "that's not my personality" does she NOT get). She asked me to be more "upbeat" so I tried to really crank up the energy today, but felt like I was yelling.

Every time I try to find middle ground, it's not enough, and she KNOWS about my diagnosis!!!! The only responses I get are that I need to "pivot" or be more "agile" or "embrace change"... doesn't that go both ways?

I swear if I had the money, I would hire an attorney. I live in at "at will" state, so the company could fire me for no reason (although I feel pushed out), but this has to be some type of discrimination.

Like others have said, wearing birthday hats and responding to random nonsense chats is NOT a part of "other duties as assigned".

I know I sound like a "Negative Nellie".... sigh....

[ZenZeta]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Good question. I follow up with a question: if it wasn’t in writing, were other people there and heard her say that?

Just read that again. No... this comment was on our weekly 1:1 Zoom call where she said I'm "efficient", but come off as detached and unfriendly.

I've been told I seem disinterested a lot when I'm usually just "processing" As for unfriendly, as I shared with her, being "forced" to be friends with people I don't know brings resentment and resistance... both of which I'm sure I'm doing a terrible job of hiding.

[rechu]

Wow. I have worked in some dysfunctional workplaces over my career, but I think this place wins the prize. I'm not ASD, but there's no way I would want to put up with these bizarre social expectations and requirements either. I've never heard of anything like this before. Shouldn't a work team be focused on work, not what tacos or eggs you like?

I guess management sees these things as team building exercises, but it just seems it would be annoying to everyone. I wonder what others think. I assume many are just going along because they need the job.


When's your last day?

[Molinit]

You’ve given notice. You don’t have to do any of the extras. If she’d like to arrange severance she can do that.

[rechu]

Originally Posted by Molinit

You’ve given notice. You don’t have to do any of the extras. If she’d like to arrange severance she can do that.

Seriously, why continue to bother someone who's already given their notice? Something is really not right with the manager.

[ZenZeta]

Originally Posted by rechu

Wow. I have worked in some dysfunctional workplaces over my career, but I think this place wins the prize. I'm not ASD, but there's no way I would want to put up with these bizarre social expectations and requirements either. I've never heard of anything like this before. Shouldn't a work team be focused on work, not what tacos or eggs you like?

I guess management sees these things as team building exercises, but it just seems it would be annoying to everyone. I wonder what others think. I assume many are just going along because they need the job.


When's your last day?

October 27th... tick tock!!!

[eskielover]

I swear if I had the money, I would hire an attorney. I live in at "at will" state, so the company could fire me for no reason (although I feel pushed out), but this has to be some type of discrimination.

Could just be the way this manager wants to do business or maybe has been directed from higher up to do business this way & not doing it in a way to accomodate you way may have nothing at all to do with you or discrimination.

I agree it is strange but does anyone else seem to have a problem with it? Ugh, I was a computer engineer & there was one company I went to work for that just did everything wrong compared to other companies I worked for. Only stayed there a few months. One person is not gojng to change a company. Best to find where we fit. Legal matters don't solve or really change anything either

[Rose76]

I'm sorry you're under the thumb of a tyrannical nut-job. This supervisor is a control freak who is especially into playing with people's heads. Who ever gave this person this level of behavior control? Where you work I presume is a business or agency that produces some good, or some service. Micro-managing how you interact socially seems to have nothing to do with whatever this place is in the business of doing. This supervisor gets some weird gratification out of treating you like a puppet and out of making you feel perpetually insecure and threatened.

In any workplace, we always have a duty to try and be pleasant to our co-workers. That doesn't mandate any special level of social bonding. No one is obligated to make any coworker their personal friend. What you are describing seems completely out of place. What should matter is how you are cooperating to "get the job done" whatever that job is.