[LadyShadow]

So, I did it. I changed my phone number. It is something that I just had to do. I don't know who has been following my story, but these past couple of months have been really hard.

My husband is an addict. His addiction is really bad. So bad, that I followed him down the rabbit hole and got myself in a lot of trouble too. I am coming up on 3 years sober and he is still out in the street using, getting arrested and locked up in psych wards. The back and forth and chaos was just too much for me to bear, that I just had to break free.

So, I did.

I let myself kick and scream for a week, then asked my parents for help. I cleaned out everything he owned from my second bedroom and shipped ALL his stuff back to New York. I also turned it into a pretty guest room for all my friends. (See below)

I am also taking a really hard look at myself. Did I really believe I am so fat and ugly that the only man who could ever love me in my life could be this drug addict? I understand people can change, and God Bless them that do, but he is not even attempting it. And what I have learned in CODA, (Codependents Anonymous) is that I was seeking the validation of love that I never gave to myself. You guys have seen some of my posts - the things I say about myself are so vile and mean, I would never say that to one of you guys, my friends, my family, or even a younger version of myself.

The fact of the matter is, I have been doing this for years. So, it's time to break free. And I always open to making friends, so drop me a line!

In the meantime, I'll just keep on smiling!

Have a great night y'all.

LS

[TheGal]

Wow!! What a journey! Good for you!!

I have been reading Melody Beattie lately because I, too, am co-dependent...

Reading you post is just what I needed today, so thank you for sharing.

Wishing you all the best!

[LadyShadow]

- so glad you liked what I posted! It has been a hard journey for sure, but letting go has been the best thing to ever happen to me. I feel free, and the future feels so bright, like I can be whatever I want to be now and do whatever I want to do now.

@TheGal

Melody Beattie's books are amazing; I have read both of them. Have you looked into any CODA groups online? I used to go to an in-person group last year, and just started going to an online one because there are no in-person meetings in my area. Check it out whenever you can!

Here is their link:

CoDA.org

[unaluna]

Honey you know you are gorgeous! From your posts i was picturing a little old lady who looked like me! You know Grandmama on the original Addams Family tv show?

I used to be cute like you. Dont waste these years like i did, on men who dont deserve you. You cant fix them. And think - its kind of an insult to them that you feel they need feed fixing, isnt it? You wouldnt want anybody saying that to you, would you? Took me a long time to realize that. I dont know who died and made me Mother Theresa (this was when she was still alive). It is your duty to use your gifts honorably.

[LadyShadow]

- oh girl you are too funny! Thank you so much! And I do remember Grandmama from the Addams Family! I know sometimes I sound like I am so much older than I am wallowing in all my woes all the time, and the things I say about myself.
@unaluna

You're so right though, I am not going to waste these years. I am going to go out in the world and make something of myself and be a part of it and make all new memories. I have so much to be grateful for. Thank you for responding, I really needed to see this.

[divine1966]

Great job! Ooo I love butterfly guest room, so pretty. And you are gorgeous!

[Rive.]

You are doing the most beautiful thing you could do despite the pain: showing up for yourself! Giving to yourself. That sends the message that you know what you deserve and you will not (no longer?) stoop to anything that is subpar.

Keep going on this journey of self-love and self-advocacy. That is admirable.

[TishaBuv]

It’s so great to hear your healthy new outlook. You have a beautiful smile, and I did imagine you looking like you do tbh! I have images of all of you here, but didn’t imagine Una looking like Grandmama Addams!

[TishaBuv]

I sort of imagine unaluna looking a bit like Shirley Valentine. Posted photo here.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I sort of imagine unaluna looking a bit like Shirley Valentine. Posted photo here.

I loved that movie! Actually that photo looks like my mother in her younger years.

[TheGal]

Thank you so much, @LadyShadow. I will check out the online meetings that CoDA offers... I am so isolated in a small rural community, so it would help.

I do a daily reading from Melody Beattie's book called "The Language of Letting Go"..

Btw, I second the others... you are beautiful!!

[indigo1015]

You are beautiful, and kudos to you for doing something that was obviously very hard. Totally worth it though, you are a really strong and amazing person. You are awesome!!!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[LadyShadow]

Awww you guys melt my heart! And I just wanted to report the first guest is sleeping in the guest bedroom right now for tonight, and she nearly cried when she saw it! I just want to extend to you all that if you're ever in North Carolina, the butterfly room is yours for a night as your own personal getaway!! I would love the company!!

@divine1966 - Girl you've always been a pillar of strength for me all these years, thank you for always being at the right place at the right time!

@Rive. thanks for your amazing message of self-journey. It has been a long road for sure, but it's nice to be recognized for working so hard towards what I deserve, I appreciate it.

@TishaBuv thanks so much for the compliment! I am following your story too through your recent breakup, and I have been learning a lot from your posts too. We're in this together!!

@TheGal - thanks so much! I will go a step further for you. The CODA group I have been going to is called Clarkesville CODA, and they meet every Thursday at 5pm if you can make it. I will be there this Thursday coming up if you want to join. It's a really good group. The Language of Letting Go, is my go-to for affirmations these days. Here is the information for the Clarkesville CODA group:

Meeting ID: 889 1167 9817
Passcode: 630443

It's a Zoom meeting, so try to be there like 10 minutes early if you can make it. Anyone else who sees this post that needs help with codependency is welcome to join as well. I hope to see you there!

[eskielover]

So awesome to hear the strength you have found within yourself to move on. Sometimes we misplace that strength we had but it truly never leaves us, sometimes it just gets burried inside for awhile. I so agree, the act of moving on is one of the most healing things we can do in life.

[TheGal]

Oh thank you @LadyShadow!! So kind of you... I have a depression group that starts at that time, but I will make a note of it and perhaps attend.

[LadyShadow]

@eskielover - thank you so much for the kind words of encouragement! I find that moving on has been so freeing and liberating. Yeah, I get lonely and think of him, but thoughts of him doesn't have me in its grips like it used to.

@TheGal - No problem! If you feel you can make it cool, if not, you can always make another group. There are tons of CODA groups online!

[LadyShadow]

Just wanted to share something I learned in CODA today about acceptance:

" On April 3, the theme is “Acceptance.” Let’s delve into the wisdom it imparts:

Acceptance: Surrender to the moment. Ride it out and through, for all it’s worth. Throw yourself into it. Stop resisting.

So much of our anguish arises from resistance. When we fight against reality, we create unnecessary suffering. Instead, we can choose to accept what is.

Remember, acceptance isn’t forever—it’s for the present moment. By embracing acceptance, we become more resilient and better equipped to handle life’s challenges."

[TheGal]

That's so good. Thank you for sharing, LadyShadow.

I heard the other day that Kristin Neff said that "suffering = pain + resistance" which I thought was interesting. It fits with "Acceptance".

[eskielover]

I learned that Radical Acceptance was not resisting something while I still work on a better solution.

Worked well with a pain specialist situation I was in. Med situation wasn't going to change so I accepted rather than continued fighting the situation while I figured out the solution that I was going to implement. I never went back after that point.

Yep, I accepted my husband was a jerk & was going to destroy me financially while I worked on my solution to leave.

The acceptance mindset doesn't mean that we can't be working on a better solution in the meantime & focus our effort on solution rather than resistance

[LadyShadow]

Thank you for your insights @TheGal and @eskielover you are so right about resistance, not only in relationships but in all aspects of our lives.

The resistance to accept this relationship is over is the hardest part for me. I am constantly regressing back to the "good times" and still have a lot of love for my husband. I put myself through anguish because I am starting to feel that I should reach out because I am his only friend in the whole world and I basically abandoned him - but the truth of the reality is (the thought I am resisting), is that he makes NO effort to improve his situation and thinks there is nothing wrong with the way he is living his life - that kind of self-destruction I don't need or want in my life anymore.

Today's April 4th wisdom from the Language of Letting Go from Melody Beattie:

Title: Negotiating Conflict

Recovery is more than just walking away; sometimes, it means learning to stay and deal. It’s about building and maintaining relationships that truly work.

(This couldn't work for me in my relationship)

Problem-Solving and Conflict Negotiation:

Problems and conflicts are an integral part of life and relationships—whether with friends, family, loved ones, or at work.
We can acquire and improve the skills of problem-solving and conflict negotiation over time.
Avoiding problems leads to unresolved anger, victimization, terminated relationships, and wasted energy.
Instead of running from problems, we can learn to work through them.

Negotiating Conflicts:

Some problems cannot be worked out in mutually satisfactory ways due to boundary issues.
However, many problems with people can be resolved through negotiation.
To negotiate effectively:
Identify the problem.
Release blame and shame.
Focus on creative solutions.
Understand our own bottom line and boundary issues.
Be open to different possibilities for resolution.
Balance flexibility without being too submissive or demanding.

Remember, committed and intimate relationships involve learning to work together through problems and conflicts in ways that benefit both parties. Today, let’s be open to negotiating conflicts with others and strive for balanced problem-solving efforts.

[eskielover]

Negotiations takes 2 people & when the other side is not open to negotiation & their part of change.....THERE CAN BE NO NEGOTIATION.

That is not someone just saying they will change, it is seeing REAL action. We try but when the trying fails over & over & they are destroying our life.....then there is NO relationship left to negotiate for.

When I left my now ex, there was no love for him. I care that he is ok but I am not going to fix consequences to his actions that don't mess up my own life & I am still dealing with that 17 years later. I only negotiate conflicts when the relationship really matters to me but most times I walk away or keep them at a distance until it just fades awsy cause the aggrevation of dealing with them is more than I care to deal with.

My recovery has been about finally having a peacful life after 54 years of not, between parents & marriage so if negotiating conflict still includes some level of non-peaceful feeling then it is too high of a cost for me. There will always be issues in life that come & go. That is just normal life, just not interested in any relationship that has a continual level of issues involved. At my point in life, my drama king aussie shepherd 10mo puppy & my drama queen black lab are my limit on drama

[TheGal]

I just came across this quote and wanted to share:

O God, help me to believe the truth about myself no matter how beautiful it is!

— Macrina Wiederkehr, A Grateful Heart

[Tart Cherry Jam]

You are gorgeous with so much vitality and sparkle (and the shimmering makeup is becoming to you). I also pictured you fat and out of shape based on your posts. Not so!

[LadyShadow]

Thank you so much for your insights, @eskielover - you always bring a unique perspective that I really appreciate.

That's such a beautiful quote, @TheGal !

I appreciate the compliment so much @Tart Cherry Jam - I'm glad you're back, I've missed you : )

So, I haven't posted back on this thread because I backtracked. I ended up reaching out to my husband on a Google Voice number on Friday because I really needed a reassuring voice, after such a hard day at work. I needed advice that only he was good at giving me, (or I am fooling myself to believe), because I almost quit, that's how bad it was.

This whole situation has forced me to re-evaluate things, because I am right back to where I started. I wanted to move on so badly, but I was so miserable at the same time. I don't drink alcohol, I don't smoke or vape, I don't drink coffee, I don't even eat sweets - but him that's my addiction, which I have to really face. But I wanted to share today's reading, which really pertains to me today because the one thing I haven't done is beat myself up because I contacted him. This has been my focus:

On April 8th, the Language of Letting Go offers a powerful reminder about self-care:

“I don’t precisely know what you need to do to take care of yourself. But I know you can figure it out. Rest when you’re tired. Take a drink of cold water when you’re thirsty. Call a friend when you’re lonely. Ask God to help when you feel overwhelmed.”

This gentle encouragement reminds us that nurturing ourselves is essential. Sometimes, we forget to prioritize our well-being amidst life’s demands. Here are a few self-care practices to consider:

Rest: When fatigue sets in, honor your body’s need for rest. It’s okay to pause and recharge.

Hydrate: A simple drink of cold water can refresh both body and spirit.

Connect: Reach out to a friend when loneliness creeps in. Human connections are vital.

Seek Divine Guidance: When overwhelmed, turn to a higher power for strength and clarity.

Remember, well-cared-for souls radiate light and become a delight to the Universe. Today, let’s practice loving self-care. 🌟

[LadyShadow]

Acceptance is the key to this whole thing. My husband showed up at his mom's house around 11:45pm Thursday night after being missing for 4 days. I am at the point where I am the point of acceptance. And the most important thing is that I find enjoyment out of life again.

In the Language of Letting Go for today April 13th is:

On this April 13th, we explore the theme of enjoyment. 🌟

One of the prohibitions many of us learned in childhood is the unspoken rule: don’t have fun and enjoy life. This rule creates martyrs—people who will not let themselves embrace the pleasures of day-to-day living.

Many of us associated suffering with some sort of sainthood. Now, we associate it with codependency. We can go through the day making ourselves feel anxious, guilty, miserable, and deprived. Or we can allow ourselves to go through that same day feeling good. In recovery, we eventually learn the choice is ours.

There is much to be enjoyed each day, and it is okay to feel good. We can let ourselves enjoy our tasks. We can learn to relax without guilt. We can even learn to have fun. Work at learning to have fun. Apply yourself with dedication to learning enjoyment. Work as hard at learning to have fun as you did at feeling miserable. Our work will pay off. Fun will become fun. Life will become worth living. And each day, we’ll find many pleasures to be enjoyed.

Today, I will let myself enjoy life as I go through my day. 🌞