[ChaoticSpiral]

Hello,

I'm dealing with time stress. My time with my husband is lacking, but I don't have a good solution for that. Not until he gets a good job, as he works a 3rd shift. I want to spend time away from the house while he sleeps. Because when he's awake, then we can spend time together. But when he's asleep, I don't want to wait. I'm already dealing with wanting more day time. I have enough night time by myself. But day time when businesses are open or the sun is shining and the outdoors is calling, that is where I want to be. Being stuck at home without something to do makes me feel down.

He has anxiety when I'm not here at his side.

I had a half day. I had work figured out so I could leave early. I haven't had a good day to enjoy the weather. My husband wanted to sleep longer, but I wasn't quite sure when. So I thought he would sleep late like normal. So I was working from home, got my stuff done, had big dreams of just relaxing at the park. If I go with my husband, then I'm rushing due to his work schedule. I normally go walk during my lunch break, so I felt like me leaving early, I was treating it as my lunch until he woke up.

He went to the bathroom at noon. I had an hour left. He wanted up at 2pm. I told him I was heading to the park when I'm off. He asked.me to wait. I told him if I wanted to wait, I wouldn't left work at 1pm. I wanted to leave the house at that exact moment. I had my work all figured out so I could go to the park. I mentioned getting my early release to him several times. He mentioned to me about getting woken up at a certain time, but I don't recall, and he told me it when I was mid sleep.

I'm just like its an hour, let me just go to the nearby park.

I want to lose weight. I don't want to rush. I gained 30 pounds. I can't workout at work anymore like my last job. I want to workout outside, not in a gym.

I cant do it after work because of him and his schedule as that is the only time I spend with him. I can't do it before work because he would want to go by doesn't have the energy and if he doesn't have energy, and I'm already trying to get motivated to leave the bed, it's not happening.

I want to spend time with him, but I don't want to wait for for him.

He got pissed because he saw it as me being impatient.

I got pissed because I had work moved around so I could get daylight hours. I wanted to enjoy my daylight hours with or without him. I didn't want to wait. So I asked him, we can go now (at this point my time at work was up) or I can go now and pick him up afterwards. He argued about sleep. I argued about let me go out then.

Finally he came with me at 1:30.

Sunday, we had a small issue. I woke up early. He promised all day in the sun, but wasn't getting up as he stayed up early (I know his sleep is ****ed). I'm in bed for 2 hours waiting for him to finally wake up. But then my friend messages me and asks to go walk. Yay I don't have to wait. So I told him, he says "No...go ahead just go."

The entire time I felt bad. As soon as I knew he woke up, I was moving us to the exit path. I felt guilty. But I wanted time out, while he wanted time in the house. He finds me being cagey. And I'm just like dude, let me just enjoy the weather. I want to lose weight. I don't get daylight hours because I have to be home with you to eat dinner together and watch TV before he leaves for work at 7:30pm and I get off at 5pm. So there's no time to workout without feeling rushed or waiting for him

I want to spend time with him but I don't want to wait or rush. I'm tired of waiting or rushing for him. I want time to be at peace. I want time to just do me.

This is going to be the same on Saturday as I made plans to go walk with my friend at 8am. He sleeps after his shift. Hopefully it's early enough it won't be an issue.

[divine1966]

Night shifts are brutal for people’s health and family situations. My husband worked night shifts for years. Then he did it again few times out of necessity. The only positive about night shift was large shift deferential. It was significant. It paid so much more.

Other than that there is nothing good about it. Well I know people who like it. Some of my husbands coworkers do. He also feels everyone has to do it at some point. But as people get older it’s becoming too much, so it’s someone else’s turn

Having said that, I wouldn’t limit what I do when h sleeps or try to figure out time he’d get up. I did what I wanted in the house or out of the house. I meant I’d not do anything too loud in the house but other than that I am not sure why you must limit yourself or feel guilty. If he’s sleeping, no need to stay in bed for hours waiting or sit in the house unable to leave. Get up and do your thing.

I understand wanting to spend time with him but you can’t drive yourself ragged over trying to fit your life into his schedule. It sounds that he’s contributing to you feeling guilty by making negative comments

How’s he otherwise as a husband? Outside of sleep schedule issue?

[Tart Cherry Jam]

I keep up with research on sleep and more and more data emerges on the long term ill ffects of night shifts. Not to excuse your husband, but maybe cut him some slack as the thing does not play well with his circadian rhythms and might affect his mood negatively, and then he makes those negative comments which makes you feel guilty.

The best way to proceed is probably matter-of-factly. Just do your thing.

[ChaoticSpiral]

Originally Posted by divine1966

How’s he otherwise as a husband? Outside of sleep schedule issue?

He's a good husband. We get into these spats, but then he's always checking in on me, calling me when I go to bed, coming home in the early morning and kissing me on the forehead. He cooks majority of the week so we can spend more time together. He tries. He just doesn't understand my need to leave the house. He doesn't understand that I feel rushed and stressed and I prefer going places with no timeline. I just want to wander. Window shop..enjoy the weather. I felt this before I went from hybrid work schedule, it just now I want more time outside of the house now.

He prefers staying inside. He rather do a lazy weekend, stay in a burrito blanket in front of the TV. But he wants me there with him. I get bored quickly, and I start suggesting let's go on a ride, let's walk, I need to go to the crafts store. And he just wants to stay inside. Let me go by myself then. He then changes his mind as he doesn't want to stay away from me. But then he gets grumpy about his day getting ruined. In my mind, I think he's saying no because of money or no idea of what to do outside. I find staying in front of the TV for 16 hours to be boring. I want to move about. However, he wants to enjoy this time. So we have different ideas of quality time.

He keeps requesting lazy weekends, but doesn't include the days that we only leave the house for a walk or for a ride.

I want time to do errands that got delayed until the weekend or see family members that I can't during the week because they don't leave the house after 5pm due to traffic or night time. Or they are just insanely busy during the week. He wants just us. So I'm like let's go ride or walk or bored games cafe. Something outside of the house.

During the time in front of the TV is the same thing I do after he leaves for work. I crochet. I watch TV. I play games. I get on my phone and doom scroll. These are time waster activities. So I feel like I'm doing the same activities that I do when I'm bored on these lazy weekends, and it just makes me more in a slump when the weekend gives me so many opportunities to change things up. This has always been our conflict, but now I feel worst with this new work schedule, as our time together is cut in half now, and the times that gives me the opportunity to do these tasks are the same time I get with my husband. There's daylight time otherwise.

Sorry if this is all of the place or repetitive.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by ChaoticSpiral

He's a good husband. We get into these spats, but then he's always checking in on me, calling me when I go to bed, coming home in the early morning and kissing me on the forehead. He cooks majority of the week so we can spend more time together. He tries. He just doesn't understand my need to leave the house. He doesn't understand that I feel rushed and stressed and I prefer going places with no timeline. I just want to wander. Window shop..enjoy the weather. I felt this before I went from hybrid work schedule, it just now I want more time outside of the house now.

He prefers staying inside. He rather do a lazy weekend, stay in a burrito blanket in front of the TV. But he wants me there with him. I get bored quickly, and I start suggesting let's go on a ride, let's walk, I need to go to the crafts store. And he just wants to stay inside. Let me go by myself then. He then changes his mind as he doesn't want to stay away from me. But then he gets grumpy about his day getting ruined. In my mind, I think he's saying no because of money or no idea of what to do outside. I find staying in front of the TV for 16 hours to be boring. I want to move about. However, he wants to enjoy this time. So we have different ideas of quality time.

He keeps requesting lazy weekends, but doesn't include the days that we only leave the house for a walk or for a ride.

I want time to do errands that got delayed until the weekend or see family members that I can't during the week because they don't leave the house after 5pm due to traffic or night time. Or they are just insanely busy during the week. He wants just us. So I'm like let's go ride or walk or bored games cafe. Something outside of the house.

During the time in front of the TV is the same thing I do after he leaves for work. I crochet. I watch TV. I play games. I get on my phone and doom scroll. These are time waster activities. So I feel like I'm doing the same activities that I do when I'm bored on these lazy weekends, and it just makes me more in a slump when the weekend gives me so many opportunities to change things up. This has always been our conflict, but now I feel worst with this new work schedule, as our time together is cut in half now, and the times that gives me the opportunity to do these tasks are the same time I get with my husband. There's daylight time otherwise.

Sorry if this is all of the place or repetitive.

It sounds that you two are just a bit of different people. With different ideas of good time.

Having said that, was he always this way or is it due to night shift. My husband lacked energy when he worked nights. What is his line of work? Are there no day shifts?

[ChaoticSpiral]

Originally Posted by divine1966

It sounds that you two are just a bit of different people. With different ideas of good time.

Having said that, was he always this way or is it due to night shift. My husband lacked energy when he worked nights. What is his line of work? Are there no day shifts?

He was always a homebody. He has anxiety. His anxiety is abandonment based. He used to He anxious about his father, who travels the world. Now he's anxious about me working down the street from our house. So now he wants me at his side. Or first thing he does when he wakes up is to check the tracking app.

I understand he has anxiety..me being gone is his trigger. And I'm in a mental slump, so me being out of the house makes me feel better. So we both have are needing different things.

He could do a day shift as a security guard, but he's currently searching for a desk job with similar hours but no luck. Bad timing with the government changes and people getting fired or quitting. So he's been getting an interview every 2 weeks. But nothing past the initial interview.

[divine1966]

I don’t know how old is your husband but maybe he should take some classes and get some credentials to help him find a career for himself. I suspect security guard is not paid well. Is the night shift pays better? In my husbands line if work night shifts pay way better but we decided to give up that money in exchange for some sanity.

Yes government jobs might be hard to find but it could be something else. Not government job

I understand anxiety disorders (my husband is severe OCD, so it’s not easy) is he seeing a doctor or a therapist? If not then he should. It’s his responsibility to take care of his health.

You don’t need to make yourself small to keep him happy.
Sure he’s your spouse but there’s more to life.

Tracking app? Like needs to always know where you are at??? Hhmm