need feedback on ghosting and long distance relationship

Hi all,

I'm posting because I need help with my mental health as it relates to an ex who ghosts but usually comes back. Sharing with others might give me a clearer viewpoint on my situation.

1. How we met

We met online through a random forum during the pandemic as more and more restrictions and lockdowns were going into place. She's based in the UK and I'm based in LA. We started chatting privately and it immediately became clear how much chemistry there was.

2. Back and forth quick breaks

After two months of daily hours long chatting, she said she needed to take a social media break because she felt she wasn't spending enough time with her kids as a newly divorced mom. I totally understood but was saddened as I didn't know how long the break would be, but I also wanted to give her her space and not be selfish.

About a week later, she messages me saying she missed our chats. Not long after, I essentially declared my love for her. She asked me if I wanted an answer, which basically told me her answer was "no", so I said I didn't and we continued chatting as friends. As the holidays were coming up, I told her I needed a break to spend time with my family.

3. The first ghosting

In the new year, I reached out to her. Days passed and she wasn't replying. I reached out to her friend to make sure my girl was ok. She eventually got back to me and explained that she didn't like that I had taken a break. Things became awkward and distant for awhile, but we finally mended things and things started heating up between us. She said she developed feelings for me as well.

4. The honeymoon period, then more ghosting

We became closer and closer spending as much time as we could with each other and things turned sexual (albeit online, during the pandemic). When gyms opened up, I started to go everyday which ate into our online time together. She didn't like it and said she was looking for more attention from me. We got really close sending gifts to one another for birthdays and Christmas etc. Things started to get rough for us at the very peak of the pandemic. She started to disappear for days at a time until she ended the relationship. This was just as flights started opening up too which made it more frustrating for me. I just wanted to see her in person but I was laid off during the pandemic and couldn't afford the flight.

5. The reunion and ghosting

Over two years of no contact, she reached out to me saying she would be traveling to LA and was wondering whether we could catch up over dinner. I was ecstatic and agreed but then became heart broken after I learned she was travelling with her boyfriend. I felt it weird that she wouldn't say this right in the first email and was also wondering whether she was upfront with her new boyfriend about meeting with me.

We met and it was nice, although things felt awkward and cold between us. We ended dinner cordially and she kept in touch a bit throughout her vacation, but once she returned to the UK, she stopped replying to messages.

I'm heartbroken again, but was I expecting too much from this reunion? What are your thoughts on everything?

Please be kind and post questions if you need more info.

Thank you kindly.

Welcome to MSF @lookingforhelp626 - sorry to hear the person you felt close to moved apart from you.

I can only guess what was happening with her, but it seems like you really had high expectations of the relationship blooming.

I am guessing that when you were thinking of taking a flight to see her, she met a guy that was in her city or nearby and they hit it off so that was something she went for rather than an online friendship.

I hope you can find a way to heal. I would not blame yourself. I do not think you could have acted differently under the circumstances.

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message and not the first word of your message]

I honestly think that you dodged a bullet. And that you need a new relationship (maybe not right away, but eventually) where you live. In LA. In person. For real.

Are you back to spending time at the gym regularly?

I think that if you and she were meant for each other, things would have worked out by now. I'm sorry.

An option for healing would be to block her, so you can't be tempted to set yourself up for more ghosting,

Never trust anyone on the internet, especially here, with so many red flags from the very beginning. The communication was not healthy. Boundaries were not in place and that was unhealthy as well.

Move on from that woman - don't even respond anymore. And find a girl in your 'real' life who can reciprocate.

I think you dodged a bad experience too...

You want this relationship a lot more than she does. Actually, the person you fell in love with is not her. You're in love with a persona she created and projected online. You don't really know who she is in real life. I suspect she is a young woman who collects male hearts. I'll bet you're not the first online romance she has gotten into.

Where would you expect this relationship to go? Would you be interested in relocating to the UK? Would she be willing to move to the U.S.? Trying to live in a country that you did not grow up in is very tough. (Ask Megan Markle.) I doubt she is going to leave the UK for someone she bumped into online, especially if it's someone who doesn't have a fortune to share. Her being willing to get sexual with you online sounds to me like she was mainly toying with you to pass the time. I say that, in light of the context you've described. She's barely out of a failed marriage - that did produce children - when she's engaging in erotic exchanges online and has a new boyfriend IRL. This gal bounces around a lot from guy to guy. I think she's been hanging on to you as an entertaining boost for her ego. She is fully aware that you really fell for her . . . more than she did for you. She liked that. You had her on a kind of pedestal. She knew that and she liked that. It flattered her, so she encouraged your attention. I think women who do that, despite not having a similar reciprocal interest in the man, are being thoughtless and cruel.

To cut to the chase, I think you're wasting your time with this online love affair. As said above, look for someone in your own neck of the woods. Finding real love requires you to take risks. I'm wondering if you are pursuing a woman online because you are afraid of approaching women IRL in your own neighborhood. Maybe you fear rejection. Maybe you feel less vulnerable chatting online. If seeking women online is your modus operandi, I think you're making a mistake. He who risks little, gains little. Getting turned down, if you ask some girl for a date won't kill you. It's merely a disappointment. You move on and find someone else to flirt with. Sooner or later, someone will say "Yes." If that seems too risky to you, then your problem is timidity, which you need to fight against. "Fortune favors the bold."