[lowselfesteem92]

Hi all.
My mother in law issues continue. I have tried to make this post as short as possible but I’m in urgent need of advice and support because I am at a breaking point. I would truly appreciate it if you could give this a read and please be honest, even if what you have to advise is not in my favour or you think I might not like to hear it. I need brutal honesty right now. Thank you and love you all ❤️

To give some background, my partner and I moved out of our rental due to excessive rental increase and decided to save up for a home. So he asked his mother if we could live with her while we save up. She was more than happy to. We had some prior conflict where she would not want me around when his daughter came to visit insisting I shouldn’t be there, and other things.

Fast forward to September 2024…. She happily agreed to let me and her son stay with her. She sat me down and apologised for treating me bad in the past and now she wants to start afresh and have a good time with me. We baked, cooked, watched movies and it was all fine. At times I would go stay with my parents too because why not.

Then she started ignoring my text messages, brought up how last year when she came to visit and no one answered the door that I did that on purpose to her. She also had a disagreement with her son where she started crying and left the home. I consoled her and stood up for her.

Two days ago I was cooking for my partner and she walks in (he had left for work), and she stops and her face drops and in a displeased tone said “oh. You are here. You’re still here. Okay.” And immediately I get a flashback to some years back where she treated me the exact way. I sat down with her and asked her what is wrong and she said she needed peace and her space. She has been divorced and living alone for awhile so to a degree I can understand with the whole getting in her space. On the weekend I woke up late and walked downstairs and my partner and his mother were chatting and she comments “oh sorry we like, forgot about you”, not in a remorseful tone but more enjoying the fact that I looked upset that my partner was downstairs for so long (usually we have a few hugs in bed etc, but he didn’t want to disturb me this time). And also joked “ohh you might leave him” and I said “definitely not” and she said “oh we’ll see…”

Today I brought some chocolates and put it in the fridge and she said “we cannot eat chocolates, right son?” Referring to her son. Whereas before, she would embrace whatever I bring and give her. Mind you, her pantry is full of chocolate. She hints at me to go back to my parents by saying things like “and you will go to your home and spend a lovely time with your parents”. It’s dismissive, hurtful and passive aggressive. I would prefer if she were honest with me and said I don’t want you here it’s best you go stay with your parents.

But what anger’s and upsets me more is I’ve really tried to help the woman, washing dishes before she gets home, folding towels, putting dishes away, sometimes making a meal for her son so she doesn’t have to (I love cooking) and being there for her to chat to. I always put her first before me. And I’m really upset she’s treating this way.

If I tell my partner he will be upset because he wants nothing more than for us to get along. He’s also stressed about work and tired and I don’t want to trouble him.

The petty me was thinking **** it just continue living there, be in her space, don’t give a crap, be there when his daughter is there knowing it will drive her nuts because I’m sick of being pushed around and being the target of malicious female behaviour when I’ve done nothing to warrant that. We’re also trying to build a life together with his daughter included and I’m trying to build a stronger relationship with her so how does it help that occur if I’m not to be around when his daughter is there??

The other option is go back to my parents and see my partner every other day, but am I really going to allow this woman to come in between my partner and I by trying to drive me away from living with him? I always miss him and cherish every moment with him and to go from living together, waking up together, every night every day for 3 years in a row to seeing him once or twice a week is soul crushing.

Thank you thank you for reading about my sorrows ❤️❤️❤️

[Rive.]

I am not sure what you would like advice about. She won't change and it *is* her house.

If you and your partner want to stay at her house, then you will (both) have to adapt to her. And yes, you can either give her the satisfaction to decamp to your parents' place and see your partner every other day *or* put up with her until you decide to move out. That decision is yours to make.

The best would be for you guys to find another place and leave asap. Is it worth living like this just to save up for a home? How long would it take to save enough? Are there no other alternatives than staying with her?

One thing you need to remember is that staying with her is a choice. Choice you both willingly are making. You are not forced to live with her.

Regarding what you say:

I would prefer if she were honest with me and said I don’t want you here it’s best you go stay with your parents.

Well, she *is* being honest. Her words and actions clearly seem to indicate that she does not want you here. There is not much doubt from what you write of your interactions with her.

But what anger’s and upsets me more is I’ve really tried to help the woman, washing dishes before she gets home, folding towels, putting dishes away, sometimes making a meal for her son so she doesn’t have to (I love cooking) and being there for her to chat to. I always put her first before me.

It is unfortunate that she is not appreciating your efforts and in this respect, your anger is valid.

HOWEVER, always putting her first is on you. This reflects poor boundaries on your part and the anger you experience here is misdirected. You ought to be angry at yourself for continually putting yourself last. It is okay to be polite and helpful but when it is to your detriment, then you are the one doing harm to yourself.

Only you know how unlivable this situation is. I would say, re-assess with your partner if saving up for a home is worth living like this. IF you do decide it is worth it and you want to stay with her, then you are the one who will have to change and accept her as she is, because she is letting you stay at her house rent-free, after all. Be polite but distant and stop putting other people first.

[lowselfesteem92]

Originally Posted by Rive.

I am not sure what you would like advice about. She won't change and it *is* her house.

If you and your partner want to stay at her house, then you will (both) have to adapt to her. And yes, you can either give her the satisfaction to decamp to your parents' place and see your partner every other day *or* put up with her until you decide to move out. That decision is yours to make.

The best would be for you guys to find another place and leave asap. Is it worth living like this just to save up for a home? How long would it take to save enough? Are there no other alternatives than staying with her?

One thing you need to remember is that staying with her is a choice. Choice you both willingly are making. You are not forced to live with her.

Regarding what you say:
Well, she *is* being honest. Her words and actions clearly seem to indicate that she does not want you here. There is not much doubt from what you write of your interactions with her.

It is unfortunate that she is not appreciating your efforts and in this respect, your anger is valid.

HOWEVER, always putting her first is on you. This reflects poor boundaries on your part and the anger you experience here is misdirected. You ought to be angry at yourself for continually putting yourself last. It is okay to be polite and helpful but when it is to your detriment, then you are the one doing harm to yourself.

Only you know how unlivable this situation is. I would say, re-assess with your partner if saving up for a home is worth living like this. IF you do decide it is worth it and you want to stay with her, then you are the one who will have to change and accept her as she is, because she is letting you stay at her house rent-free, after all. Be polite but distant and stop putting other people first.

Thank you SO much. Your honesty has been really helpful. We cannot afford to move out and rent while saving for our own place…. It is simply not doable. I intend to talk to my partner after Christmas and see what our options are.
Thank you for giving me perspective ❤️

[divine1966]

Honestly I think if a couple isn’t able to have their own place (not talking owning, ok to rent), they should just date. No need to live together and move in with parents.

I’d say household chores you describe are just normal things people do. You don’t do it for her. You live there so washing dishes and cooking for yourself and your boyfriend (sometimes? I’d say it should be all the time). is a bare minimum.

Are you two married? It sounds that you two are not independent yet and are depending on your parents. So you living with your parents and him with his is very appropriate. When you two can manage on your own, then live together

[eskielover]

We cannot afford to move out and rent while saving for our own place…. It is simply not doable.

Sounds like this is not a good time for owning your own place. It's not like you are staying with his mom to come up with tge last little bit to buy a home. This sounds like a deal without a specific end time which may or may not ever happen.

If you aren't married, his mom really doesn't owe you a place to stay.

Sounds like you both need to learn to live together renting. Bottom line is if you can't afford to rent & save to buy you will never afford a house anyway. House payments, property tax & repairs will be no different than now & it is possible you will never be able to afford it with the way the economy has been. If you truly want to be a "functional couple" you are better off being satisfied enjoying each other in a rental than in the situation you are in. At this rate, your relationship won't last long enough to buy a house together....also, buying a house together when you are not married is not wise. My daughter did that with her inheritance money from my mom & then he wanted out & she lost every cent of her money. Start making wise choices for yourself because you never know what the future holds

[Tart Cherry Jam]

I think you should put the plans to save up on hold, find a rental, live there and reassess the situation at some later point.

You said that for three years you always woke up together with your man. Where did you live during those three years?

[lowselfesteem92]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Honestly I think if a couple isn’t able to have their own place (not talking owning, ok to rent), they should just date. No need to live together and move in with parents.

I’d say household chores you describe are just normal things people do. You don’t do it for her. You live there so washing dishes and cooking for yourself and your boyfriend (sometimes? I’d say it should be all the time). is a bare minimum.

Are you two married? It sounds that you two are not independent yet and are depending on your parents. So you living with your parents and him with his is very appropriate. When you two can manage on your own, then live together

Hi! Thank you for your reply. Your response did not address my issues and concerns. My partner and I did live together for 3 years before our rental cost increased by so much, that it couldn’t be justified as rent, and we would rather use that money for our own mortgage. , so we then decided to move in with his mum to save up for our own place. We are not dependent on his mother or my family, as we both work full time and he pays for her bills and I have my own set of bills to pay for. Thank you for your opinion on my relationship, but it was not what I asked for. People’s opinions on relationships differ widely and therefore in this context is entirely useless to me.

[lowselfesteem92]

Originally Posted by eskielover

Sounds like this is not a good time for owning your own place. It's not like you are staying with his mom to come up with tge last little bit to buy a home. This sounds like a deal without a specific end time which may or may not ever happen.

If you aren't married, his mom really doesn't owe you a place to stay.

Sounds like you both need to learn to live together renting. Bottom line is if you can't afford to rent & save to buy you will never afford a house anyway. House payments, property tax & repairs will be no different than now & it is possible you will never be able to afford it with the way the economy has been. If you truly want to be a "functional couple" you are better off being satisfied enjoying each other in a rental than in the situation you are in. At this rate, your relationship won't last long enough to buy a house together....also, buying a house together when you are not married is not wise. My daughter did that with her inheritance money from my mom & then he wanted out & she lost every cent of her money. Start making wise choices for yourself because you never know what the future holds

Hi! I remember you replying to another one of my posts about it my partner’s mother. She definitely doesn’t owe us a place to stay hence why we asked her if it was okay to stay with her for a year while we saved up. It might be different where you are living but it give you an idea, we were spending $1800 (AUD) a month on rent which was great and a reasonable amount for rent. Until the landlord decided to increase it by an extra $1000 a month. In Australia, this is basically a mortgage. I appreciate your advice but my partner and I have been together for almost 7 years.

We have agreed a year to save for a deposit and then get our own place. But my question wasn’t about that…. It was about this mother who’s become unjustifiably rude and passive aggressive towards me despite her previously happily agreeing for me to stay and even buying me slippers, a blanket, an apron etc and chatting with me every night. Now she’s become cold and distant and says she wants her space. How do I handle that?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by lowselfesteem92

Hi! Thank you for your reply. Your response did not address my issues and concerns. My partner and I did live together for 3 years before our rental cost increased by so much, that it couldn’t be justified as rent, and we would rather use that money for our own mortgage. , so we then decided to move in with his mum to save up for our own place. We are not dependent on his mother or my family, as we both work full time and he pays for her bills and I have my own set of bills to pay for. Thank you for your opinion on my relationship, but it was not what I asked for. People’s opinions on relationships differ widely and therefore in this context is entirely useless to me.

I don’t have opinion on your relationship. Relationship itself is not a concern.

The concern is that you can’t afford living independently as a couple. You are not independent. You depend on his mother for providing roof above your head and providing opportunity in saving for the house. That’s not independence. It doesn’t matter how long you two lived together. You can’t call it independence.

Now it’s not nice that the mother is cold or rude but it’s obvious that she doesn’t want you there. She probably thought it was ok and that’s why she was happy at the start. It’s very difficult to have people living in your house so she had enough and sends you messages that she prefers you leave.

Would it be better if she spelled it out? Yes. But you can’t change who she is. She isn’t direct. It’s not good but you can’t change her. Honestly many people would allow adult children to stay with them if they fall on hard times, but not many would be ok if they brought their boyfriends/girlfriends to live there. It’s too much

What should you do? How should you handle it?

You have three options n my opinion. Since she wants her space and it is her house, give her space. As someone else says she doesn’t owe you room and board. Leave and stay elsewhere. If you can’t afford your own place, stay with your own family.

Second option. You both leave and live independently or maybe with roommates. But not with parents

Third option is to stay at your boyfriends mom and endure her coldness.. Put up with the mother, stay out of her way. Be cordial. Too stressful if you ask me, but you said you cant handle not seeing your boyfriend every day, so I guess this is your only option if he won’t agree to a second option

Changing how his mom handles things in her own house or how she behaves etc isn’t an option.

[Tart Cherry Jam]

I like the second option of having roommates. Maybe you can post a message seeking another couple or two to share a whole rental house. People do do that. Then you will be both independent and on your way towards saving up for your mortgage.

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by lowselfesteem92

Hi! I remember you replying to another one of my posts about it my partner’s mother. She definitely doesn’t owe us a place to stay hence why we asked her if it was okay to stay with her for a year while we saved up. It might be different where you are living but it give you an idea, we were spending $1800 (AUD) a month on rent which was great and a reasonable amount for rent. Until the landlord decided to increase it by an extra $1000 a month. In Australia, this is basically a mortgage. I appreciate your advice but my partner and I have been together for almost 7 years.

We have agreed a year to save for a deposit and then get our own place. But my question wasn’t about that…. It was about this mother who’s become unjustifiably rude and passive aggressive towards me despite her previously happily agreeing for me to stay and even buying me slippers, a blanket, an apron etc and chatting with me every night. Now she’s become cold and distant and says she wants her space. How do I handle that?

You give her her space & get out of her house. Obviously she thought it might work at first but has since realized it doesn't work for her having you in the house. She is most likely hoping you get the hint with all the things she has been saying & doing & will leave on your own without her going back on what she initially said & tell you directly that "your living there isn't working for her".

Bottom line is your living situation in her house IS NOT WORKING. You need to come up with a better solution than living with her to save up your money to buy a home whether you like it or not. Force your staying there by being clueless about what she is trying to tell you & you may just damage any relationship with her beyond repair.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by eskielover

You give her her space & get out of her house. Obviously she thought it might work at first but has since realized it doesn't work for her having you in the house. She is most likely hoping you get the hint with all the things she has been saying & doing & will leave on your own without her going back on what she initially said & tell you directly that "your living there isn't working for her".

Bottom line is your living situation in her house IS NOT WORKING. You need to come up with a better solution than living with her to save up your money to buy a home whether you like it or not. Force your staying there by being clueless about what she is trying to tell you & you may just damage any relationship with her beyond repair.

I actually think she was pretty direct because when asked why she acts like she doesn’t want OP around, she said she wants her space and peace. This is pretty straight forward.

[divine1966]

I think that even though this woman sounds like a piece of work, she’s more accommodating than many others. Prior to last three years her son lived with her and even took his visitation with his child in her house, that’s a lot.

Even when you did not live there but lived with your own parents, you went there every day as well as regularly stayed overnight. I’d say this is more than many other mothers will tolerate. She maybe reached her limit. She wants her space.

You said you are trying to build your own life with your partner and his daughter, it’s understandable, but you can’t do this in someone else’s house! You have to be in your own place for that.

You are saying you are sick and tired of her, but she didn’t move into your home. You moved into hers. So moving out, together or alone, is the only way.

I have a very difficult father. I never lived with my parents in adulthood for that reason. Yes it took longer to be able to afford things and buy a house, yes it’s difficult and I was single mom by myself. But my sanity meant more to me than buying a house fast. And this isn’t even your parent. Decide what’s more important for you.

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I actually think she was pretty direct because when asked why she acts like she doesn’t want OP around, she said she wants her space and peace. This is pretty straight forward.

Lol....Yes, but "get out of my house, I can't tolerate this any more" would have more direct

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by eskielover

Lol....Yes, but "get out of my house, I can't tolerate this any more" would have more direct

Hahaha she hopes people get her message without actually kicking them out. Hahah

[Have Hope]

This mother sounds a bit toxic, in my opinion. She's dropping not so subtle hints that she wants you to move out. Honestly, if you want a continued relationship (of some sort) with this woman, I would move in with your own parents and see your partner a little bit less. It's clear she doesn't want you there. so continuing to stay will not only be incredibly uncomfortable, but could harm your relationship even more, making things worse for both you and your partner. And yes, she is being contradictory going against her word, she is being very passive aggressive, and downright mean even. You don't deserve any of that. I personally could not stay where I am obviously unwanted. I think staying would not only be going against her obvious wishes, but it's not in your best interests. So, you would have to adjust to seeing him a bit less. Not a huge deal. You won't die from it. It's one year. If you have a strong relationship, it can withstand one year of living separately and seeing each other as often as you can. I do think it can be a lot to expect from a partner’s parent - to have both of you move in with them.

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Hahaha she hopes people get her message without actually kicking them out. Hahah

Definitely true....lol....but some people don't get even the less subtle hints

[volsinchy]

I feel for you, I lived with several mothers of my partners'.
It's rude and toxic behavior you describe. You should not tolerate this, people only get worse when they are unpunished, and foremost your partner should take care of two people whom he loves (like I'm responsible for my parents saying bad things about my partner and I will never allow them to be rude with him). You can't deal with this without him and he seems... not looking at your problems. For me, it would be a bad signal.
You should speak with your partner. He should be on your side. No way you can't talk to him if you are really together.
And find some other place to live or go to your parents.