[bigal838]

A couple years ago I saw my brother cheat on his wife.
I believe that I'm the only one who knows about it.

No, I did not see him have sex with a woman other than my sister in law.
But I DID see him let a woman that him and I had just met that night
put her hand on his knee and run her hand up and down the inside of his thigh
which I'm sure his wife would consider cheating (the woman was sitting to his left, he was sitting to my left). He also gave her a peck on the lips right n front of me.

Even though it happened a couple years ago, I feel like his wife deserves to know about this. Part of me badly wants to tell her privately.

Should I just try to deal with the fact that I will have to keep this secret to myself for the rest of my life?

[Yaowen]

I think that if I was in your shoes that I would take that secret to the grave. What good can come from sharing it with her? Break-up of the marriage? If there are children? Break up of the family? Just my opinion.

[bigal838]

Thank you for your feedback.

I think that you're probably right.

Unfortunately, keeping that secret to myself and not telling my sister in law
has been eating at me for quite some time now.
It would give me a sense of relief to tell her.

But, oh, well.

[bufordtjustice]

Maybe it is not her you should discuss this with, but him.

[Have Hope]

I don't think you should tell her. I agree that confronting HIM is the best approach, since he's the guilty party for allowing it to happen. He can then choose to tell his wife or not, but I don't think it would benefit anyone except maybe yourself to inform her of this. She will be hurt and it will cause an issue for them, which is never a good idea to be the cause of. So I would confront him, and let him know how it also makes you feel, knowing this about him when she does not.

[Rive.]

I am of the belief that honesty is the best policy.

Standing by and not saying anything when witnessing either something unethical or immoral is just as bad as the one perpetrating the deed. That is how people get away with practically anything these days.

People should speak up when injustices, betrayals, untruths etc. are done.

[Have Hope]

I disagree. I think that if it’s going to cause someone harm that it shouldn’t be said. It’s not their place and is more about them feeling better than helping the harmed person.

[Open Eyes]

I’m sorry you saw that and that it has been bothering you for two years. Your brother engaged in inappropriate behavior and that is on him. If it’s still bothering you then you should discuss it with him. Your brother may have only flirted and may not have gone any further with it. A discussion with him about it may result in him admitting it was wrong and he decided it was not worth ruining his relationship with his wife.

[unaluna]

Thats a pretty low bar for cheating - a peck on the lips in public? By that standard, even the Pope is guilty! Have you discussed this with your therapist?

[bigal838]

There was A LOT more to it than that. lol

He let her run her hand up and down the inside of his leg all the way
up to his crotch.

And then he had the nerve to later tell me that he was just, " showing her compassion " because she was at the concert all by herself.
I thought to myself, " Really? " smh

[Rive.]

I for sure, would like to know if my partner is "showing compassion" to other people in this way!

Keeping schtum is endorsing such behaviours when we see wrongdoing.

[unaluna]

Im not endorsing cheating, but i am more concerned about why this ONE INCIDENT, two years ago, weighs so heavily on the OP's mind.

If the brother was making it a habit to engage in risky behaviors at nightclubs on a regular basis, lying to his wife, regularly using the sister as a beard, then certainly something should be done. Stop participating, for one.

But this just seems like being a tattle-tale, and that it would hurt HER relationship with the brother and the family, more than his.

Let she who is without sin cast the first stone.

[Bill3]

I think that the only person this should be discussed with is a therapist. The discussion, in my view, should be to learn why this small incident, from "a couple of years ago", still weighs so heavily on you now.

[unaluna]

OTOH - So was it a stranger, or was it someone he knew? Who goes to a concert by herself? Was he accompanying you? Who bought the tickets? Do you think he takes advantage of such situations of escorting you in order to have adventures with other women? What are your ages?

You are certainly doing the honorable thing to risk his accompanying you under future circumstances, if it was not a one-off.

[Tart Cherry Jam]

Since this thread is a safe anonymous environment, you can experiment safely and hopefully learn something about your motivation and the possible outcomes of alternative steps you might take.

Say, you will reveal the secret to your sister-in-law. How exactly will you go about it? What will you tell her? In what room will you be when you tell her? Or will you invite her out and tell her somewhere else, outside her house? Which words will you use? In what tone of voice? How will you even begin this uncomfortable convo?

If you tell us specifically what is playing in your mind in terms of how you would wish you told her, we might give you feedback in terms of how your sister-in-law might react. Then you can think of how you would handle alternative possible reactions coming from her. Etc. I think it would be a useful exercise for you. At the least you won't feel so alone.

[Blitter2014]

I feel for you and the anguish you are feeling at the moment. You are endeavouring to work out what is the right thing to do and in the interests of all parties, and that is to be commended.

In any situational analysis there needs to be parameters. In this instance questions such as - what are the motives for disclosure, what is the desired outcome? What does the situation teach me about myself, what is happening internally? Are there any other motives that I am unaware of consciously that are driving this desire? What is the best that could happen? What is the worst that could happen? Has it anything to do with me?

Asking ourselves these sorts of questions can lead to some quite enlightening discoveries sometimes and is well worth the exploration.

The other question would be, is it still a secret? Has he owned what happened and disclosed this as he has matured into his role within the family?

Feel proud of yourself for bringing these thoughts into your conscious mind and analysing them, It shows a good moral compass and great intentions. Awesome

[Tart Cherry Jam]

In today's New York Times advice column, the columnist handles a similar situation and advises not to say anything to th wife. If you want to, you can talk to the husband

[bigal838]

I think that I'm most likely going to just, " take it to my grave with me " and not say a word about it to my sister in law
even though it eats away at me sometimes.

As for mentioning it to my brother, him and I haven't been on speaking terms since 10/2023, so talking to him about it won't happen either.

Oh, well.