I have a secret..

I have had more suicidal thoughts and have a stash of old meds that could due me in. It just makes me more comfortable having a way out. I'm not going to tell anyone about this, I know the the ins/outs of mental hospitals (besides being a patient more than once, worked in one as well). I can't seem to find the right combination of meds and I'm so frustrated. But trying to get approved for ECT. 😭

::sad hug:: No words of wisdom here. Please be gentle with yourself.

Sent from my SM-T350 using Tapatalk

Deeply I've also held on to the props of my exit strategy. It is not healthy but it is just not within my nature to give them up. Sometimes it gives me comfort to know they are there. All I can say is to focus on the hope. You are still trying to find an effective combination of meds. You are looking at alternate forms of treatment like ECT. These facts indicate that you want to find a solution other than ending your life. Hang on to that and keep fighting and looking for solutions.

{{{{{{Deeplyhurt}}}}}}

I can understand where you're coming from. I use to have a stash like you but I ended up asking my wife to throw them away. I still regret that decision to this day. I have been in a couple of mental hospitals myself & never want to go back to another. I wish I knew how to help you.

I'm so sorry. It does sound like you are still trying to get well and really don't want to end it. I told my pdoc that thinking about ending it and how I'm going to do it brings me comfort in a weird, sick way. She said that was not unusual at all. She said a lot of people with MI use the thought to self soothe. Like, an exit button if things get to be too much. In a way that made me feel better and took away the fear and shame that I always automatically go to that thought, etc. My son says to me, that he's so proud of me that I haven't given in to all of this. That I'm still fighting and trying to find the right med combos, etc. DON'T GIVE UP! Hugs!!!

Thank you everyone for your kindog words❣I talked to my T. today and said is not uncommon to experience these suicidal thoughts when your depression lifts. But suicide is more likely to happen since now you have the energy to do it.