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There is one person I can talk to. Therapist and another online friend. My sister told me I am projecting my feelings on her. I completely agree with her. I agree because I want to change. I dont want to be manipulative. But I do everything that manipulative people do. I tell people they deserve better, I cry and ask for attention. My shirt smells like coffee. We had gone to a cafe to play board games in the board game club. Some guy had a really loud voice and I got scared. I almost cried. I was playing wrong the whole time. It triggered a whole cascade of emotions. “Im doing it wrong” “i ruined the game” etc. Working on it. Had been sad since a few days. Ended up crying because my legs hurt and I couldn't walk as fast as my sister. I told her I didnt wanna burden her. I suck at communicating. I am a young rage filled person who is still developing my brain so please dont blame me for being an incompetent adult.
Im really bad at confrontations. I hate pressure and I hate it when people deny their harmful behaviour. I am sad means I am sad, but they tell me I should stop being sad and toughen up. Thats okay, they dont know any other way. I am in a transition phase, a phase of reaching out cautiously. I have been so stupid with my friend choices and where I seek support. Apart from therapy, I am scared to seek practical support. But I am moving past that. I have a deep desire to change and not be a burden. I am processing pain in the only way I know how, which is to leave and make a scene out of it. I rarely leave quietly. I am someone with a sensitive heart, trying to survive in a family that is loud, unfair, and dismissive. But I will reach out and get those needs met that my family cannot fulfill, because they dont have to. I need to convince myself that I can love them without interacting with them.
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Jun 07, 2025, 11:34 AM
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