feeling isolated and alone : (

well i can finally post what i wanted to friday-virus protector was on the blink, got that fixed, and here i am.
i've been having a real long time of depression latey and knew i should post. at least you all understand me better than irl friends but for a few. i don't say i'm bipolar except to ppl i really trust to know this about me. i'm not ashamed of it, just know how many ppl immediately place a label on you if you tell. then everything is about your bipolar or depression. i don't have mania in the true sense, just hypomania. that was what started this recent state i've been in for over a month. up all night cause i was so agitated etc. so no sleep at first. from that i fell into a deep depression. i know what triggered it-family-but it doesn't make it any easier to pull myself out of this. seeing my T as often as she can see me...about every 3rd week which doesn't help since right now i need to move in with her to get myself back on track.
went to a mental health hospital emergency room for help and wasn't even seen by a pdoc...which was definitely in order. they sent a fax over to my pdoc for outpatient treatment. he refused cause he said the hospital should have made the assessment but pdoc failed to call and let me know. then i called him due to how low the depression was and told them how serious it was. instead of working me in they said next available appt. is late november!!! so not only do i feel alone right now but even my pdoc doesn't seem to care either. i've never had this happen to me before. i mean i was/am in serious dire straits.
so i'm posting this to vent and i don't know what else cause you all can't get me out of this chemical imbalance any more than i can. i upped my lexapro-it helped some- to help me and then pdoc's lady said he was afraid of my liver enzymes going thru the roof but did he see me...NO!!! so i ask you now what else was i supposed to do? i don't know...but after i see him in november i'm scheduling myself with someone else. will file a complaint with the powers that be. but the only thing i'm doing right now is just hanging on...worse period of depression in 20 years. now i remember why i was so sick back then. it tends to soften if one is not reminded how awful it feels. well now i'm completely reminded.
any thoughts all? and i could use a few hugs, please.
sorry for the long post...just needed to vent..

Sorry to hear what you're going through now

Hope you can get on top of this soon. Maybe try getting a different Dr.?

madisgram I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a terrible ordeal. I feel that once doctor's receive their coats and diplomas their compassion is replaced for the greed of money.

I would say that if you are feeling that you need help (ie,. hospital), go to a regular hospital. They have to treat you. If they contact your Pdoc and he is unresponsive at least you will have the doctors at the hospital to look out for your best interests.

On another note, if your Pdoc is not willing to get involved while you are going through such a terrible time, I wouldn't wait till November to change doctors. If you go to the hospital maybe they can give you a referral to someone else in order to get you in quicker? Just a thought.

Here are some hugs for you ((((((((((madisgram)))))))))) I'm so sorry you're feeling very low. And I'm really sorry too that your pdoc is being so incredibly unhelpful. I'm glad to hear that you are planning on filing a complaint and then changing to a new doctor. It's good that upping the Lexapro helped a bit. I'm wondering if you can have more contact with your T between sessions? Some Ts will respond to emails and will also return phone calls. I check in with my T like that sometimes because I don't get to see her very often. Of course it's not as good as a face to face session, but it's something.

Wishing you all the very best and sending more hugs!

I just wanted to say my heart aches for you right now...biggest of all hugs!!!! It's amazing how you can be neglected like that...Makes me sad. Please keep posting...Although that does not help the chemical side as you have already said, at least we can be here to listen....Please hang in there...

Hugs Kalisha

(((((((((((madisgram))))))))))))


I hope the depression lifts for you soon.

I'm sorry my friend - I feel your frustrations and know how terrible those lows can be. And feeling helpless because the pdoc won't help, and you can only see T every 3 weeks - doesn't help.
I really wish there was something I could do to help and make you feel better. Just remember that you came through the depression the last time - this time will be no different. Hang in there for the rough ride, and you'll come out into the sunshine soon enough!

thanks everyone for your support and good suggestions. you don't know how much it helps to hear from you. it's validating me as a human being with feelings. it reminds me that some people-you all- do care.
i'm still in the slump of all slumps. i know that the major reason i can't shake this, other than the chemical imbalance, is the sad sad feelings of the realitiy of things with my son in particular. i woke up yesterday with such clarity of the many years of up and down with him. it is difficult to acknowledge some of his behaviors cause i never taught him to act this way. even when i had major differences with my mom and her infidelity when my dad lived, i always tried to show her love and caring. my daughter in law is part of all this too...very self centered. so add the 2 together and i am forgotten by them. i know i need to move on with my life, stop the old tapes of self loathing and feeling unloved, but having an impossible uphill climb of it. want to rewire my brain and know i am not at fault but the heaviness in my heart, the loneliness of feeling unloved is quite overwhelming.
i plan to call my T if i can't uplift myself by tomorrow. just don't know if i can profit from it cause it's internal and old reactions to my life rather than perhaps logic and truth. intellectually i know i'm worthy of love but the heart overrides that.
i plan to move in feb. and i can't even focus on where i want to move to knowing i carry myself with myself. i have no desire to live here but have no desire to move elsewhere cause my thoughts are so skewed. i just feel so tired and weary of life. i never thought i'd be back to this place. 20 years of therapy, meds, etc. i''m so very very sad.
please excuse my not acknowledging each of you in person. i just can't right now. i'm still outpouring my thoughts to you. i need to acknowledge the vulnerabilty i feel rather than pretending i'm ok with you all. makes me feel selfish that i can't even give back. sorry for the long post. thank you all for being here for me. you're the spark that keeps me hoping to have hope.

I think it may well be beneficial to give your T a call. There is a lot playing on your mind, and a good heart to heart chat is probably what you need.
And no, you haven't wasted 20 years - I'm sure there's lots you've learnt and you will definitely have grown
(((HUGS)))

I too think that if you can not sure what it's like with your t, but you need to be heard by someone!!! Your suffering should not go unnoticed at all....too much for anyone to deal with on there one ((((((((thinking of you))))))) Hope you get some relief really soon

Madisgram I hope you feel better real soon.

(((madisgram)))
I hope you feel better soon.