Dad asked if I can go to therapy once a month instead of once a week. Panicked

One time, my grandma took me to buy a train, and she bought the cheaper one. I remember feeling like I wasn't worth much. I wish she had taught me that experiences are better than possessions. I always liked her until she became mean. My mom told me stories about how Grandma would trouble her, and honestly, I hate her for it too. But I also feel she's misunderstood, someone who doesn't have the guts to stand up for herself. I'm sure they regret every day letting my dad marry Mom.

Why is it that I went for ₹1500 therapy instead of ₹500? Previously, they used to take me for ₹2400 every week, even though I'd requested bi-weekly sessions. Have they forgotten about me? Life has changed, but I've learned a lot. I feel like such a cheapskate. I remember looking at a pair of track pants, going through a questionnaire I'd made for myself to help screen purchases, and ultimately not buying them. Ha!

Then my dad told me to go for therapy only once a month. I told him I'd cut down on eating out. We haggled a bit. He said once in 20 days, I said once every two weeks, and we finally agreed on thrice a month. But we don't have money, apparently! They're all cuckoo. I already go approximately thrice a month because things come up, and I end up missing a week, or exams come up, or I can't find a slot. I'm glad my current therapist isn't like others who have a two-week booking time.

I'm too traumatized to do this. I don't want the ₹500 one. My previous therapist told me there was no dearth of issues with me. Also, she only did CBT, and I don't think she was trained to do more than that. Even if I'd asked her to do IFS, she would have done it poorly. Sigh. After her, I found a new therapist, and she's someone I feel really comfortable talking to.

But I'm stuck. I'm still someone who's acutely aware of financial constraints and trying to make responsible decisions. If that's the case, how is it that I've struggled so much in college, even after going to therapy? Because it takes time. Is that why they want me to stop?

My present therapist was referred to me by my sister's friend. At the time, I was desperate to find a therapist. My sister had said her friend didn't find her helpful. I went for three months and found some relief and support. This guy had said no one could help him; at least I'm not self-sabotaging. There was so much I wanted to tell her. Now I have to tell her about this change. I already go thrice a month, so what's really changed? Nothing but an hour of crying. Dad's "negotiation" effectively changes nothing about my actual frequency, but it has added enormous stress. But life is unpredictable. Now I have to struggle twice as hard to survive. I'm already failing, and now I have to work too. Great. It's not about the support; it's about the deep-seated feeling that your worth is tied to how much is spent on you.

I started getting this feeling of, what's happening?! Because his request was sudden. Are we becoming poor?! Dad is known for being finicky, but this is the wrong time. I swear once I start earning, I will try not to cost them more. I associate cheaper with less effective or less specialized, and I've already experienced that disappointment. Twice. I am completely at their mercy, I am not getting jobs, and I am not qualified enough to get one. I am failing all my classes and no matter how much I study, I end up losing the information or freezing. I need therapy but I need money for therapy, and I have no choice but to beg now! I know this is how my life is going to be. I will make it to two years of college but ultimately I will fail my classes due to a bottleneck. We started too late, and we started too stupid. I didn't deserve this.

When I say, “I didn’t deserve this,” what am I really grieving? The denial of what I have been through, and the trap that I am in.