[Blah nlah]

My mom is really abusive but she denies it. My dad doesnt really care much but he knows the pain. He tells me to just study. I become anxious and end up not studying. Lacking parental support has been a nightmare for me. I go to therapy weekly. And am planning to go to a support group this sunday, hopefully every week. My mother says that God will punish me for how I am behaving towards her and she is right, if she doesnt discipline me, obviously God will let the consequences come somehow, no parents to talk to, stress, not enough money, etc. She will get disciplined too. But staying is much worse. I wish I could reframe it as a friend. My therapist certainly said mom is a friend to me now. Which means if my friend called me a ***** like my mom did, maybe I wouldnt have gotten offended. But if my friend tries to pull apart everything I own I might not like it. She asked me to return the money spent on my education. I moved to a dorm to study. I cant study. My brain has holes in it right now. If i had parental support and guidance i would not need to navigate an abusive mother who says she is just teaching me. I want her to find a new daughter, or enjoy her older one. She herself said that she is happy to believe she has only one daughter which is my sister. That is her way of showing anger. They are allowed to talk about abandoning me, by saying dont come home if youre gonna be so difficult. But i cant talk about leaving forever. I am really hurt that people are not understanding me. God understands me. If I study I can but my mind is heavy like lead. What could I possibly study. Why would I study. What will I do. Anyway I need to earn so I will try.

[eskielover]

I focused on school & getting my degree. It was the only thing I knew that could get me out of living with my parents & having a much better life than they ever had. It was my way of showing them that I was smarter & better than they were. I put everything else out of my mind & made my succeeding in school my highest priority. I was the first in our family to get a degree & it was Accounting & Computer science & I had my career job offer before I actually graduated. Sometimes we just need to focus on ourselves whether anyone else likes it or not because when it comes right down to it, we are the only one who can be responsible for our future