advice pls. should i reach out? (i want to

Hi friends, new here. In great need of advice, insight & fresh perspective from strangers that are not biased. I appreciate all contributions.

I was my bf for 2 years romantically after a year of friendship. I'm 31, he's 36. He lived an hour ish away from me and we saw each other approx every month (I had other stuff on my plate and that's all i could manage). Capricorn man with an aquarius woman. He wasn't really the phone call type. He claimed he behaved the same w/ friends & fam, that it was mostly them seeking interaction w/ him & he was in his own solitary bubble most of the time. an introvert/lone wolf type i guess. So was i, thus the lack of "pressure" worked for me. Our relationship was text based and audio attachments here and there.

We had our ups and downs, but in the grand scheme of things I perceived him to be a dismissive avoidant. He had all the signs, increasingly as our relationship progressed. Looking back now, I can see I also exhibited some avoidance, but more anxious/disorganized. The type to send him essays while he told me I was "toxic" & he "couldn't handle the conflict". A couple months ago I brought to his attention how I don't feel like my presence mattered to him because he isn't as attached to me as I felt I was to him. His response was: he actually did make an effort to talk to me when i didn't (which sometimes i admit he did, however i wanted more consistency & he felt i was pressuring him or wanting to "change him", he feels I deserve better than him and he feels that he can't make me happy no matter what he does & in the grand scheme of things he actually doesn't have a "plan"/ "doesn't really know what he wants in life", i was confused and really hurt. i asked him why wait until now to tell me this, that it was inconsiderate of him after everything we've been through & i invested all i had. he said he was actually being considerate as he didn't like how i was "suffering" with him and "unhappy", so why should he drag me along further in this. if his conclusion really is i deserve better & he truly thinks/feels that, wouldn't he would deliver it? i felt like he didn't love me & he assured me he did from the moment we met. & still does.

eventually decide to call him. i sought out that he make it better, make the hurt go away & we get to some kind of resolution/safe/warm place if you catch my drift. during the call he expressed how he wasn't ready to let go & stop seeing eachother (i can now say time proved otherwise.. but i too have maintained my distance despite my love for him). he really liked how much i cared for him/the relationship & that's hard to find (idk how to take that, it sounded selfish). regarding the no plan comment, he tried to justify by saying many ppl have had "plans" that they went along with, only to fail. at the end of the call i was still hurt & continue texting him. after i continued my questioning regarding the inconsistency, he said he's not rlly a texter. to which i replied ok, if you don't text, what do you do then? he said i used to dance & now i dance in this thread, which was so agitating and immature ( i guess to him it was funny or he was trying to lighten up the tension, idk) i reply with ok & go to sleep. I posted some stories the next day, one regarding emotionally unavailable ppl ( a person that lost their mind in the forest after dating an emotionally unavailable person) and the other how to be an alpha male (10 rules: among them be terrifying, never show your emotions, remain stoic, dominate your partner, don't lost eye contact etc). maybe it was passive aggressive of my behalf but I just about had it with him at that point and felt like he gave me no choice but to walk. He replied to one of those stories with "Lol" , (the forest one, which tbh was funny in the grand scheme of things, but i was too hurt to laugh with him) I leave him on read.
And now it's been 3 1/2 half months.
I feel like I may have hurt him, but I had been hit too. It is worth adding that the last time we were intimate I expressed regret afterwards. It had been months since i saw him & I felt like it was too impulsive. He brought up later how he didn't like my reaction at all & I seemed as if I "didn't want to go far" w/ him in the relationship.
I don't even know how to reach out at this point or if it's worth it. I still have love for him & we didn't end on terrible terms. I don't want to move on without first trying to mend things if possible. I want to give it another go & this time if I find he hasn't reflected or gained insight into his wrongdoings & impact on the relationship then I am calling it quits. We've had breaks in the past but this one was the longest.

"Gained insight into his wrongdoings." His wrongdoings may feel right to him. It may pain him to try to do otherwise. I dont think you are aware of this. You only consider how his actions feel to you, not to him. But what you want may feel extremely unnatural to him.

but can i know how that if i don't investigate it >.>

good point.. how can i know that if i don't make a move?

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result."

It is just as easy (which is to say, very difficult) for you to change as it is for him. Why dont you change all your desires and expectations and actions to suit him? The answer is not - well because im right and he's wrong! This is growing up - accepting reality.

I can tell how much heart you’ve put into this relationship, and it’s obvious how deeply you care. From what you’ve shared, his avoidant tendencies and your desire for more consistency, it sounds like you’ve been caught in a push-and-pull that leaves you feeling hurt and unheard. That doesn’t mean either of you is a bad person; it just shows that what you need and what he’s able to give right now might not be lining up.

From the way he’s spoken about things, saying he doesn’t know what he wants, doesn’t feel he can make you happy, and doesn’t have a plan, it seems like he’s not in a stable place to offer the kind of partnership you’re looking for. That doesn’t mean he didn’t care. It just means he may not have the readiness or tools to show up in the way you deserve.

If you do feel like reaching out, the most important thing is to be clear with yourself first. Ask yourself if you’re looking for closure or if you genuinely want to see if there’s something to rebuild. Knowing that will help you figure out how to approach him. If you reach out, keep it simple and calm, something like, “I care about you, and I’d like to see if we could have a conversation about where we stand. If you’re not ready, I’ll respect that and move forward.”

And if you do talk again, don’t lose sight of your own boundaries. Be honest with yourself about what you need, consistency, openness, effort; and know what you won’t keep tolerating. That way, if things slip back into old patterns, you won’t feel stuck. You’ll know when it’s time to let go.

No matter what happens, this has already taught you something valuable about yourself; about your attachment style and what you need in a relationship. That kind of self-awareness is a gift, and it’s going to help you create healthier, more balanced connections moving forward.

So yes, you can reach out if it feels right, but do it from a place of strength, not desperation. If he’s able to meet you halfway and show real growth, that’s wonderful. If not, you’ll know you gave it a fair chance, and you can walk away with peace of mind.

very thoughtfully put.

Society constantly tells women that they should be pursued and never the other way around.

Honestly it sounds to me like he is beating around the bush in telling you he isn't compatible with you in hopes you will GET IT & just leave him alone now. He is saying everything he can to discourage you but not wanting to hurt you so he doesn't honestly say it. Lol....I dated a guy in college, we both realized we weren't compatible & he said he was thankful for the mutual decision cause usually he had to make things bad so the girl would be the one to break up to avoid the drama. Don't be the drama.

You throw labels of diagnosis around for behavior excuses....bottom line, sounds very much like you 2 are incompatible & that is what he is trying to tell you. Never confuse lust for love either. Love grows out of respect & mutual compatibility....everything else is imagined in our wishful thinking. This comes from 72 years of experience & observation. Leave him alone. He has been clear even if it wasn't said clearly to end it. Like I said....many guys don't like to be the one to finalize the ending & they hope they can piss off the girl enough she will end it herself

Quote:

Originally Posted by coconutcoast Society constantly tells women that they should be pursued and never the other way around.

Just like the saying, "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink", you can pursue all you want but you can't make them have real interest in you as a person (sex maybe but that isn't about you)