someone for everyone?

Do you think some people were meant to be alone? I have talked to people that work at old folks homes. They say some of the people have lead their whole life alone.

Hmmmmm.........that's a good question to ponder. Sometimes I think so, and sometimes I think not. My great-grandmother divorced in the 1930's which was unheard of . She lived the rest of her life alone and died in 1990 surrounded by 3 generations of, you guessed it, single women.

I am 29 and have never been married and no children. My mother is 52 and has 2 children. My father died when I was 12 and my brother's dad is a deadbeat. She chooses to be alone.

Sometimes I think it is a choice. Sometimes we set standards that we are not willing to bend in order to bring someone into our lives. Sometimes we are willing to give. I think it's all what you make of it in the end.

I would be more than willing to have a healthy relationship with someone. But, on the flipside, I am also very content to be alone.

My sister-in-law (married to my brother) likes to be alone, enjoys her days out in the middle of nowhere while my brother is at work. But I don't know that anyone can be alone, alone; not have special friends, etc.

My aunt never married; she'll be 87 in April. But I don't think of her as having been alone. She lived and still lives a full life with lots of friends and church connections and work and relatives and stuff.

ho! i was just thinking about it!

i agree with StarPony Mama

It`s a choice..............

I agree, I think it's a choice.

I believe that some people are better off alone. I am sorry that I ever married my husband. Looking at his personality, he is much better off being completely alone. The only type of person that ever could have had a successful marriage with him is someone who didn't need a marriage to be a partnership.....someone who was willing to let the other person control everything but be willing to let him completely mess up everything he touches & destroy the relationship financially because of his immature way of handling expenses & debt.

He is a very nice person....he does nice things....but that's the extent of what he gives to a marriage. I always felt that I was having to fight to get him to do the things that truely mattered in the marriage, like cooperate to get things done. He never would communicate with me & would hide information about things....I think it was his way of trying to be controlling. With that, there was no way that I wanted to have any close sexual relationship with him.....I was always fighting, so loving wasn't a feeling I could even find for him.

He was always so immature, & most of the time I felt like him Mother....so there was no way I could ever feel close with him.

This was tolerated for so long because we both had good paying careers.....once that ended, there was nothing left to hold the marriage together.

I don't know if there would have ever been the right someone for me either. I expected a lot out of a partner....& I expected to be allowed to be myself also besides being a partner. Finding a person that would have fit my needs was probably impossible & he for sure should never have been married at least not to anyone who wanted someone who was a responsible adult.
Debbie

I don't know if certain people were meant to be alone or not. Some people handle being alone well, others don't.

My wife's brother will be 50 next month. He has never been married, but has been engaged three times. He has a lot of friends, both male and female. He is not alone. But he will never get married.

My parents divorced in 1962, in their late 30's. My dad remarried a year later, and is still married to the same woman today. They have had a great life together, although they are plagued by health problems today. My mother never re-married. she did have a man in her life for a few years in the 1970's and 1980's, but she never even considered marrying again. She had a lot of friends and stayed very close to family. She passed away in 2001.

Of course there are also those who are alone by choice, who live hermit-like lives. They have very little contact with people. I could not do that, I have too many people in my life that I am grateful for.

I think the biggest mistake is using thte word alone. It sounds very solitary. Many people feel very comfortable doing things with many people but they prefer to remain single. I am a single Mom. I don't wish to marry again or even date at this time. Meanwhile, I have a degree to finish, two sons to entertain with, family and tons and tons of relatives. I must be related to somebody in every province. I will never be alone. But I intend to stay single because I like being able to direct my life down any path I choose without having to consider what consequences my actions might bring to a partner.

My urge to be independent comes from many years of medical and financial dependency on many people. It brought my esteem down to rock bottomw. That made independence my top goal in life. I love to chat with men and women, visit places, partake in events. I just like to come home afterwards to my own quiet place, with my own bed, my own schedule, and my own television or computer times.

I' a Geminii I like to be with lots of people at times and then I like to be alone. I like biking/hiking alone. I like camping with other people. I like to be alone in the morning with just my thoughts. I like to be around others on my days off from work.

I have 2 of everything and enjoy my life.

being married 33 years to a great guy, there are times I want my solitude, and other times when he watches sports I totally alone in the same room, when he passes I swear I will never remarry

So people who try to develop relationships but are rejected or avoided are choosing to be alone?

That's a very pertinent question:

"So people who try to develop relationships but are rejected or avoided are choosing to be alone? "

I've wondered about this myself, since I was unhappily married for 20 years, wanting to be alone, then dating for the past 10 years unsuccessfully, though I gave it my all! NOW, I'm actually quite content in my solitude, pursuing my interests, my Master's degree in Art and finding fulfillment in my own pursuits. Maybe this is "sour grapes," and I've wondered about that as I find more and more satisfaction in my life alone. All I know is that at this point I can't imagine accommodating another presence, especially male, wandering around in my space.
Patty

I'm approaching 43, never married, couldn't care less. I LOVE my independence and the freedom to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I have plenty of good IRL friends, a stable job where I get along with most, etc -- but I need a lot of "quiet time" and I can't bear the thought of having somebody around 24/7/365, forever. I can't even handle more than 3 or 4 hours of "togetherness" with friends I love like family without needing to retreat to my own space.

I have had intimate relationships, so it doesn't necessarily mean I was "rejected" or whatever. I just have learned what works for me, and I'm completely happy with it. It's the people who think I'm a loser who don't know what they're missing!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
timeforsleep said:
So people who try to develop relationships but are rejected or avoided are choosing to be alone?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
No, that by definition, because they "try to develop relationships" says they're wanting to be with others?

A little therapy to see why one is or feels rejected or avoided might help so things become easier.

That is true Perna. I think teh best answer to the question timeforsleep asked is that it depends. Each and every human being on this earth is influenced by the social norms of teh period, location, history, and personal interactions with others.

Even biological and spirituall influences related to relationships. Our society focuses too much on dating and marriage. It has been the social norm for many generations, but it was a soial construct created about romantic love and gender roles.

Many people are realizing that it is not for everybody. Society has to do away with forcing social rules too much into personal lives. Some areas need obvious regulation such as marital violence, spousal and child abuse. Other areas relating to personal preference should not be so scrutinized. Doing a research paper on Child Welfare.....I have heard so many stories about family stress brought on by society scrutinizing every move a relationship takes. Expectations and roles that people cannot live up to anymore. Low self esteem, substance abuse, suicide rates....much of it ties in with relationships and what society expects from each and every person.

Happiness comes from your own interests, your interaction with others around you and finding a sense of belonging...not everybody needs marriage or true love to have this.

There's soooo may people on this earth...of course there's somebody out there for everybody. People who lived their life alone choose to do that. My grandmother for example was married four times. Her fourth marriage ended when she was 42 years old and she lived the remainder of her life alone since. She claimed that being alone was much better because then she didn't have to share anything with anybody and she could spend as much time with her grand babies and daughter as she wanted.

I wouldn't mind being single for the rest of my life from this point...but I'd have my kids so technically that's not fully alone.

Trigger alert- Suicide is mentioned, and I did get upset when people said we had a choice, so I kind of had a little rant. No anger is intended towards anyone, so if it sounds flame-like, I apologize. However, it is a bit emotional, I guess, which might trigger people.

Oops. This should be a general reply, but I accidentally posted to nothemama8. Sorry.

I think some people are destined to either be alone, be in unhappy relationships, or be with someone they don't really care about. I honestly believe I will die alone unless I settle for being with someone I don't care about.

To StarPonysMama (or anyone who wants to read)- Your family sounds kind of like mine. We just can't do relationships. I am 25 and have never been marrried and have no children. I expect neither out of my life. My parents are in their early 60's now. My mother was married to one man when she was in her early or mid 20's and had a child with him. They divorced a couple years later. My father was with a woman and had a child, as well. That ended. Then, eventually my parents- with one kid a piece so far (dad with a major failed relationship under his belt and mom with one divorce on her tally)- got married and had me. They divorced when I was 4. Mom was in her late 30's- almost 40- and dad was 40 or in his early 40's. Dad went back to the first woman, married her, and they had another child. Mom went on two have two more failed marriages. She then started dating another man and they were engaged to be wed, but she backed out with cold feet. They're still dating, but I don't know if they will ever marry.

I am sorry to hear about your father passing away. I know that must have been very difficult. My father is, thankfully, still alive. However, he pretty much dropped out of my life sometime during my 12th yr. of life.

One of my sisters is too young to be married, another isn't married to my knowledge and is about 28 or 29. However, the oldest one who is 35 right now, got her heart broken by two men, then got back together with the first of those two men (who was also her first love and first boyfriend she dated at age 12) when she was in college, after he'd married and divorced. They got married when she was about 19 and a little over a half, I think. This year will make their 16th yr. anniversary, I think- and they have 3 kids. Her father has been married and divorced at least 4 times and is alone at the moment. His father has been married and divorced about 6 or 7 times, and almost got divorced another time during that (filed for it, then annulled that)- twice to the same woman. He is alone now.

I also have several cousins who've been married and divorced many times. Plus, I know a man who lost his love to death when he was young, and never had another. Romantic, but it must have been lonely.

I don't feel I have much choice, unless the compromise is to be with someone I don't love. I used to think I couldn't love. Now, I think I can love. I'll admit, I don't know how to treat it sometimes, and I do push people away, but even when I don't mean to, it happens. I am not loveable- not for long, anyway.

It is easier to be alone before you've ever loved. It is still hard, but I think it was easier to be alone before I'd ever loved. I even liked it sometimes. Now, it is not so easy. I think I'm worse off in one way now that I've loved than I was before I knew I could. Still, I'm not saying I regret finding out I could and I'm not saying I regret getting to know the people I have cared for or loved.

Timeforsleep, you asked, "So people who try to develop relationships but are rejected or avoided are choosing to be alone? " Good question. I agree with the sentiment! People who are alway rejected, abandoned, etc. by the people they care about or are interested in, are not choosing that life.

Patty- it is good that you're happy this way. I used to love my alone time. I still like it ocassionally, but find myself wanting more social time simply because I need the distraction now that I feel so lonely and broken hearted. Sometimes, I'm not sure if it helps much, though. Anyway, I tried throwing myself full force into doing my own thing, but I still feel empty, hurt, depressed, and lonely about the whole issue. I was able to do those things during a relationship. For instance, I love to write, and I had plenty of time to do it. My ex of 4 and a half years (sort of longer- long story) liked to write, as well, and we gave each other time to do that. I think it was Janis Joplin that said, "freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose," and was she ever right. I'm "free" now, but I don't feel I've gained much. I'm not trying to rain on your parade, though. If you are happy, that's great! You mentioned "sour grapes"- I know what those are like. I am a bit bitter. I used to be a hopeless romantic, but now I'm a CYNICAL one.

YouOme- First of all, I'd like to say that I had an issue with something you said. If I seem argumentative, I apologize. I am not angry with you or anyone on here, yet. It is just an emotional issue for me. I hope nothing I say upsets you, either, but I wanted to explain how wrong I think this whole "choice" argument is, and since I do find it a bit offensive, I might sound a little emotional at times. Again, no anger is meant towards anyone and I hope no one is upset. We do all have our rights to our own opinions, but it just upsets me that people think I choose this life, when the way my relationships have gone is enough to make me not even want life at all.

You said, "My grandmother for example was married four times. Her fourth marriage ended when she was 42 years old and she lived the remainder of her life alone since. She claimed that being alone was much better because then she didn't have to share anything with anybody and she could spend as much time with her grand babies and daughter as she wanted." My mother has been married and divorced 4 times- almost married a 5th time and is still dating the man. She sometimes says she will never marry again and that she prefers to be alone, she has more freedom that way, she's too old to change her ways, she gets more time with the children, she needn't worry about a man's demands, or silly fights, and sometimes she just wants alone time and to be left in peace. But you know what? She might choose to be alone if this doesn't work out and I wouldn't be surprised if she did choose that. She might prefer it now, to what she feels are her alternatives these days. However, she didn't choose to make the first 4 marriages fail. She wanted them to work. She didn't want to be alone, but she always ended up that way. Hurt and alone. The same might have originally been true for your grandmother, though I don't know that.

Also, my mom told me that she isn't sure she can fully love someone the way she used to, so that is not exactly a choice, and may influence her wanting to be alone now. If she can't bring herself to fully love now, she will be alone no matter who she is with. Also, the fact that she's probably lost faith in everything might influence it. She prob. expects it to fail, and she might be right. Plus, she told me that even though she would rather not fool with it now, she wishes that when she was younger, she'd found someone to love and to love her and that they had grown closer together with age and years. Overall, it is not so much a choice, as I see it. Plus, considering that your grandmother TRIED 4 times- not just dating, but marriage- she might have actually wanted to be with someone, but it just couldn't work out happilly for her. I don't know if that holds true for your grandmother or not because I don't know her, but I guess my point is just that sometimes a "choice" is not as much of a "choice" as it might seem at first. Your grandmother might choose to be alone and prefer it by far- she might love it. I hope she does, and I can believe that she does. We don't all want the same things. However, even if she does love it and does choose it, it doesn't mean everyone who is alone chooses it or wants it.

"There's soooo may people on this earth...of course there's somebody out there for everybody. People who lived their life alone choose to do that."<- Okay, this is to you and everyone else who said it is a choice. There are many people on this Earth, but I have not met them all and cannot hope to do so. Plus, I don't like many people in general. Even if there is someone out there for me, are you telling me that I will definitely meet this person at the right time in our lives and that the circumstances will definitely be such that we will end up talking and getting to know one another, and figure out that we like each other enough to give it a go? I mean, I will definitely meet them and we will have the time and initiative to talk to one another and neither of us will accidentally mess up the first impression and once we're together, neither of us will accidentally mess up the relationship, etc? Also, you said "someone"- well, how many of them? What if they die before we meet or after we meet? Will there be others and will they too definitelt cross my paths, end up talking to me so we both know the other one enough to want to progress, etc? Will we not mess up our relationships accidentally? I am not trying to be argumentative in an angry way, so I apologize if I seem to be attacking you. It is not my intention, but as someone who feels terribly alone and destined to die this way, it upsets me when someone proposes to know that we can all have lasting love and companionship if we just choose it. I do not choose to be alone. Well, technically, I do choose not to be with people that I don't care about and am not interested in, but that's as bad as being alone- worse, possibly. I did meet a man that I believe in some way was for me, I admit, but guess what? He's not here now, and it isn't my choice. And it wasn't my choice- not consciously, anyway- that I messed up other chances. And it isn't my choice now that I've destroyed every chance and being with anyone I've ever cared about, that I never had the chance to begin with, etc.

Also, while I think some people do choose to be alone and some like that, I also think that some people choose to be alone because they've been hurt so much, they're afraid to try again, just to end up alone again and more hurt than ever.

My cousin almost died alone. She died at a young age, though- well fairly young. She was in her 30's and had only been married 6 months.

I guess my point is, I think people who are saying it is a choice- which I know you weren't the only one saying it, but the "4 times" thing caught my eye- need to be open to the possibility that they don't know what is in the minds and hearts of others, and they don't know our opportunities. They can't possibly know if there is someone out there for me or if we will definitely meet, get to know one another, and not accidentally mess it up or get taken away from one another by death or something else. Plus, sometimes we like people who have problems, which can destroy relationships, but we do not choose who to love. And what if they choose to leave the relationship? Did I choose it? People cannot know I choose to be alone or that everyone who is alone has chosen it. In the past, I have seriously thought about killing myself because I don't want to be this way, and I honestly believe whole heartedly I cannot escape dieing alone or with someone I don't care about or someone that cares nothing about me. If I could just choose to do otherwise and make it all better, trust me- I would.

Why believe there isn't some you can love and who loves you, Locust, instead of that there is someone you can love and who will love you back and have a fine life? Everything that is about the future is only belief, not fact or even necessarily more or less probable but that belief will make it so!

I didn't get married until I was 39 and met "the" person for me. He may not be the only person for me, but he'll certainly do until death does us part :-) When I was 21 my college roommate got engaged (they were a year behind me) and was lyrical about love, etc. LOL but one evening was telling me the story of what my love would be like when he came along? It was a wonderful story, I don't remember the details but the sense that "it could happen" stayed with me all the years until I met my husband when I was 34. I did despair once, in the middle of a main artery of Washington, D.C., but fortunately it was close to when I met my to-be husband.

But I can't imagine living with someone I didn't like or care about; why would one do that? One is still alone that way, a warm body isn't all that is needed for either a good marriage or companionship so one isn't lonely.

My father's sister will be 87 in April and has never married. There are all sorts of reasons why one might not be prone to marriage but none are inevitable. I'm "prone" to finding my way (good inherited directional sense, memory, map reading skills, etc.) but that doesn't mean I don't occasionally get lost. But just because I've been lost before I wouldn't give up trying to find what I'm looking for, what I "want".

Hey again, Perna. Thanks for responding.

“Why believe there isn't some you can love and who loves you, Locust, instead of that there is someone you can love and who will love you back and have a fine life? Everything that is about the future is only belief, not fact or even necessarily more or less probable but that belief will make it so!”

<- I agree that nothing is definite- at least not usually. Life is too unpredictable for that. However, I think the chances of my ever falling in love, staying in love, and being loved (permanently and not for just a little while) by the same person, is next to nothing. I’ve heard a lot of people with divorced parents say it ruined their view of love, but that didn’t happen to me when my parents divorced. I remained a hopeless romantic despite their divorce. Well, perhaps not entirely a “hopeless romantic” because I actually was a little afraid I wasn’t capable of love or capable of being loved. I was a bit pessimistic, I suppose, and due to blunted emotions, I wasn’t sure I could love. However, it was so important to me that I told myself I could never doubt it was possible or…… well, what I mean is, how does one live while believing the things they want most in life are unattainable? I managed to save some hope or at least lie to myself about my doubts because lasting mutual love was one of the things I wanted more than anything. I eventually found out that I could love, but I suck at knowing what to do with it. Also, everything I’ve found has told me I am not loveable for long. I have been hurt, like everyone else, but maybe I just don’t deal with it in the same way as others. I’ve discovered that no matter how much someone loves me, they can stop loving me. In fact, I think it may be inevitable that they will stop loving me, but I know for a fact that no love is without the ability to fall apart. No one I love is going to love me and stay in love with me. I truly believe this. My parent's divorce didn't teach me- my heart, my relationships, and my life have taught me these things.

"But I can't imagine living with someone I didn't like or care about; why would one do that? One is still alone that way, a warm body isn't all that is needed for either a good marriage or companionship so one isn't lonely."<- I agree. There's no point in committing to someone you don't care about. Why give up your freedom just to be with someone you don't love when, as you said, you will be alone with this person because there is no love there.

“My father's sister will be 87 in April and has never married. There are all sorts of reasons why one might not be prone to marriage but none are inevitable.” <- It might be possible for me to have lasting mutual love, but I don’t think it will happen even if I want it to. I think I will be alone regardless of what I do, and I just want to save myself going through more and more pain just to end up in the same situation- alone- but more broken and hurt than ever.

I’m glad you found the one and I hope you two live a wonderful, happy, long and loving life together- I want that for everyone (or ALMOST everyone)- but I think it will not happen for me. I have found love in the past- and I know it was real- but look at me now…..I am still alone. Finding love doesn’t mean you won’t die alone.

Thanks for being so positive. I do appreciate the support and I think it's very nice of you, but I just can't believe I'll ever have and keep mutual love.

I've been wondering lately if it is possible to be psychologically healthy if one has few to no close friendships/relationships. I struggle with wanting to be with people. There are only a few people out there whose company I really enjoy. I was an only child. I was mostly unhappily married for 12+ years. I have children who are almost grown and honestly I'm very much looking forward to having the house to myself and my dogs (and their adorable unconditional love ;-) I've dated just a bit since my divorce and that was mostly because I felt that "normal people" seek to be in love relationships. I have a few good friends, but dream about not having to talk to/see anyone for a long period of time.

Seems like being alone could be a choice or a circumstance from reading everyone's responses. And a good eye opener at that!

Sometimes circumstances shape us to enjoy being alone. And then, sometimes, they don't shape us at all and we still have that need to be with someone even if it is hurtful or not quite right (I've been there).

Don't know. People are brought together and they are split apart for reasons we don't understand or will never know.

I just try to take the lemons life gives me and make lemonade. LOL! And not a bitter lemondade - a sweet one.

(((Perna)))

I think you have some great insight. I agree that being alone does not necessarily mean you have an empty life. You can be very rich in what you do. I just think it boils down to what you make of it.