[darna]

First of all, thank you for reading this. I truly appreciate any and all feedback!

I am a longtime survivor of depression (roughly 18 years). I just had a major relapse (Dec '06-August'07) that resulted in short-term disability and a round of outpatient group therapy (I only avoided inpatient because of the burden of childcare). Now I am vigilantly working to monitor my feelings, thoughts, medication, and support network to avoid another one. I think I've been doing really well- I feel emotionally and mentally stronger than I've felt in a while! Proof of this comes from how I've been dealing with the latest stress-inducing events in my life.

Last week, I learned that my husband of eight years had a one night stand when he moved out for the summer (the move was something he claimed he needed to do because he couldn't "handle" my depression anymore). He did move back home and currently we live together with our three year old son. In addition to this, he has been concealing a relationship with a woman friend that is an emotional affair (she took my place as his primary confidante and he was investing quite a bit of time into conversations with her). When all of this came out into the open, my husband was suicidal; now he claims that all of this is the result of years of my being depressed (unfortunately, that means I was often angry, self-absorbed, and suicidal) and how difficult it has been on him. He says that he doesn't know if he wants to risk having to deal with me and my depression anymore- so there is a part of him that wants a divorce. Our therapist (I've been going to counseling individually, and whenever I could convince him, with him, for the past five years) reminds me that he is still wounded by things that happened eight years ago, so he may not even realize that for the past few months there have been marked, positive changes in my behavior.

I am angry, hurt, and confused. Though I admit that my depression has had some very bad phases, our therapist and I realized in my most recent individual session (she even looked back in her records for affirmation!) that for the last five years I have begged my husband to get support for dealing with me and my depression. He's always refused, claiming he can handle things and that he doesn't need anyone's help (he's a cop who is one of those "strong and silent" types- or at least he thinks he is).

I am more bothered by the emotional affair than anything, and have asked him to stop talking to this other woman. He claims that for months he has been afraid to tell me anything for fear of how I will react (which kind of explains why he would turn to someone else, but couldn't he have talked to our therapist?), and says that he is afraid of hurting her feelings by telling her that he does not want to speak to her anymore. Now he is in total denial that anything is wrong. He has an individual appointment with our therapist (made only because the therapist insisted it is good for me) that he is thinking about cancelling. He says that he is sorry about showing weakness and that he will not only stop talking to this woman, he will cut off all of his friends so as to prevent any further inappropriate relationships. Red flags and warning alarms are going off in my head!! I've said repeatedly that all I want is for him to stop talking to her- that isolating himself from his friends, who are his support network, is a really bad idea.

Part of me thinks that if he doesn't agree to change how he deals with things (from my depression to his own issues), there is no hope for our marriage. I understand that eight years of dealing with my ups and downs has taken its toll- and I do know that it will take a long time of consistently stable behavior on my part to even begin to convince him that things are different. I do not want to end our marriage, but I also don't want this episode to happen again, especially when I am putting so much effort into taking responsibility for my depression and how I can avoid any more relapses. Unfortunately, it's not a simple deal- we have a three year old, among other things, to consider.

I cannot MAKE him do anything. I feel that my choices are to stay in this marriage and hope and pray that his method of dealing with things works for him this time, or to leave the marriage because it doesn't appear that he wants to work toward any positive growth. What do I do now? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

[Perna]

Hey, Darna, first off, welcome to PsychCentral (PC) There are a lot of people here who have lived through similar problems I think.

I didn't get married until I was 39 so my husband was already well-trained by his first wife when I got him :-) so I haven't had a situation like yours.

Were I you, I would make sure he knows what you want of him (positive) and possible consequences if he chooses to do other things. First I'd request he go to the meeting with you all's therapist that's already been set up and then maybe even find a therapist of his own who works with policemen. They're out there. He may feel at a disadvantage going to "your" therapist and that you are both women, etc. I would give him the option and request he find a therapist and see how he deals with that.

It does sound like you have a tough row to hoe in front of you in addition to your recovery. I'm glad you're doing much better and hope that continues. Do you have family or friends of your own around to help you?

[BalishBun]

Youve been through a lot, I respect that. Nice to meet you.