[starfire]

I preface what I'm about to say with I cannot leave my present environment. Because of the nature of my work, my income is sporadic, I have no friends who will take me in, and no other family. So, until I can create enough of a financial safety net to allow myself to lease an apartment or buy a home, I have to make due with the current situation.

I'm a woman in my thirties, living with her mother and her mother's husband. The relationship has been dysfunctional since the beginning. I had three different "families" by age six, so I have issues as a result of that. When I was six, my mother married her new husband, and I was uprooted into the new home. From this point on, I lived with them, but had no real relationship with them. I never wanted her husband in my life, so I refused to have a relationship with him. The two of them collectively more or less created a life for themselves without me, so although I was physically in the home and physically cared for, I was emotionally on my own and raised myself from that point on.

Because I was also in special school half the day for gifted children, I didn't have much structure or support at school either. So, I grew up being on the one hand very emotionally independent, but I had no relationship skills and never learned how to do basic things, like get a job or do laundry. I had no other family and few friends, so I just muddled through life as best I could on my own. Unfortunately, it meant never adjusting well, and being forced out of what jobs I could get and losing what few close relationships I was able to make. By my early thirties, I gave up on trying to integrate and on the advice of a therapist, went into self-employment in a creative field.

I'm now 37. The self-employment has been a good move emotionally, but it hasn't provided enough money for me to get out of my mother's house. The problem is whereas we used to simply not communicate and more or less avoid each other, she now finds reasons to attack me and then engage her husband in the fight. She started to show serious signs of emotional problems 10 years ago after her father died. They worsened after her sister died - both of cancer. She became a health nut - totally obsessed and became nervous all the time. She would have panic attacks and would start collecting and arranging things in the house in obsessive ways. Now, she's just an unstable emotional basket case. I'm afraid to physically encounter her or have any kind of communication with her. So much as saying, "Good morning" can result in verbal attacks about unrelated subjects.

My mother blames, judges, tells me that she never wanted children, and that I've ruined her life. I try not to let it get to me, but it's hard. Especially when she blames me for things that are her fault. If I call her on those things, then she becomes very dramatic and starts hyperventilating and calls her husband into the fight and uses him like a shield and an attack dog. He's no good for either, because he's a very cowardly man. So, he'll just avoid eye contact with me, and the both of them will talk about me in the third person. If I say anything or try to create a first person conversation with them, they lock themselves in their bedroom and continue to discuss me in the third person.

I know my whole family is nuts. Since the time I was a child, I can't recall any member of my family ever being happy or "normal". In fact, they all would feed on each other in emotional and financial ways. I didn't start to really grasp what "normal" was until late into my twenties. That was only because I was forced by virtue of my work relationships and what few personal relationships I had to be exposed to people who weren't like this and who also weren't like the kids I went to school with. On the one hand, I was the only child in a crazy family. On the other, I was in a special school for highly intelligent kids. Both left me isolated with a perspective on life and the world that just didn't work once I was thrown into the world as an adult. Nothing - and I mean nothing - fit what childhood prepared (or rather didn't prepare) me for.

Now, I'm 37, and at least I've found a way to work that is tolerable. I'm a freelancer in a creative field. The trouble is I'm still not making enough money to get out of my parents house. I'm hopeful that someday I will. But, there are no guarantees. I do the best I can with what I have and know. In the meantime, I'm trying to survive the living situation I find myself in. Does anybody have any advice on how to protect oneself from toxic house mates like this? I've given up on trying to connect. It takes two people to have a relationship, and my mother makes it clear by her behavior that she doesn't want a relationship with me. I accept that. I just need to know how to survive the situation with my sanity in tact until I can make enough money to get out. The last thing I want is to end up on the street with no resources.

Any useful information is appreciated.

[CedarS]

I wanted to let you know that I read your post and that I feel for you.

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My mother blames, judges, tells me that she never wanted children, and that I've ruined her life.

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I grew up with this from my own mother also.

In my own case, I had to get away, so I initially rented rooms in shared houses. I didn't always have great roommates but anything was better than living with very dysfunctional family. Any chance you can do the same?

I understand that you want to save funds first, but do you have a plan in case your current housing suddenly disappears? What if your mom fully kicks you out? Or what if things get absolutely intolerable? What if the house burns down? I'm not trying to be rude or overly challenging here, just want to suggest that you keep those things in mind.

Otherwise, can you spend more time away from the house and change your schedule so you tend not to interact with your mom and her husband?

[Doh2007]

It's very hard to earn a living freelancing. If you really want to leave home, get a regular job and do the freelancing on the side. It may look scarey to be on your own, but you'd be surprised how good freedom and the power that comes from supporting yourself feels.

[starfire]

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Doh2007 said:
It's very hard to earn a living freelancing. If you really want to leave home, get a regular job and do the freelancing on the side. It may look scarey to be on your own, but you'd be surprised how good freedom and the power that comes from supporting yourself feels.

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I can't function in a "regular job". In the 16 years that I've been working, half has been spent either freelancing or unemployed, because when at a "regular job", I've been forced out or asked to leave by one circumstance or another. I already sought counseling for this. The consensus of all the experts I consulted, both mental health experts and business/career experts was that I would do best on my own, in my own business where I can control my environment, schedule, conditions, etc. The last therapist I consulted even warned me NOT to return to a corporate work environment, because I am too independent to function within structure. I agree with them on this. My own emotional and physical health have greatly improved since becoming self-employed. Thanks for your suggestion, but I really need a solution that addresses *surviving the current home environment* until I have the means to leave that environment.

[Perna]

Where do you work? If possible I'd make it so I could work at the library or wander onto a large University campus/library and find a way to spend as much time away from the situation as possible.

I would also look into a part time work to boost my income, in a field that didn't require much interaction initially. Work delivering packages for a messenger service (or phone books, newspapers, etc.) or night desk work for example.

I would join some "easy" group where I could get to know other people some and get into a loop of information, if nothing else. Maybe take a course at a local community college or County site or join a toastmasters-like club or even go to a support group of some kind like they hold in hospitals and libraries. Something away from your family to focus on but without a really difficult participation level.

I'd also create a plan, like Doh mentions, for both emergencies (where womens shelters are located or YWCA or hostels or whatever) and as a plan to get out, maybe going so far as to open a "freedom" account and putting money away in that and knowing how much you want/need to get a place away and where you might want such place to be, etc.

[starfire]

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CedarS said:
I wanted to let you know that I read your post and that I feel for you.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
My mother blames, judges, tells me that she never wanted children, and that I've ruined her life.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I grew up with this from my own mother also.

In my own case, I had to get away, so I initially rented rooms in shared houses. I didn't always have great roommates but anything was better than living with very dysfunctional family. Any chance you can do the same?

I understand that you want to save funds first, but do you have a plan in case your current housing suddenly disappears? What if your mom fully kicks you out? Or what if things get absolutely intolerable? What if the house burns down? I'm not trying to be rude or overly challenging here, just want to suggest that you keep those things in mind.

Otherwise, can you spend more time away from the house and change your schedule so you tend not to interact with your mom and her husband?

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Thanks. Like I said, I accept that my mother is what she is. In fact, about 15 years ago was when I started accepting that I was the wiser and more dominant personality, not only in our relationship (such as it is), but in the home. She and her husband mimic the exact same behavior as her mother and father had; i.e., the woman rules from the home, the husband is a tool and a slave with no voice or opinions; the woman turns the husband into a dependent child, to the point that she makes all his decisions, including what he eats, what he wears, what people he talks to, etc. Neither have any friends (like my mother's parents), and both are isolationist and escapist. They have one relationship and one reality: each other, and they rely upon each other to reinforce the distorted views of reality they have. It's exactly the same dysfunction my mother's parents had. When I've tried to point that out, I've been shouted down and been warned to never make such a comparison again, usually followed up with threats.

As I think mentioned in my post, I have nowhere to go. My own relationship skills are poor, and I don't believe I'm capable of sharing space with anybody. I've found that I can deal with other people only in very limited, controlled situations. Sharing something as private as my living space with somebody wouldn't work. My work requires me to be in my home office. It's computer-based, and it's high resolution graphic work, so it's not the sort of thing that can be done remotely from a laptop. So, I need to be in my space, with all my equipment, and access to phone, internet, etc.

The crazy thing is is that what I'm doing now for money isn't even what I *really* want to do. Since I was teenager, all I really wanted to be was a rock star. I've been in and out of bands since I was 16. Eventually, I'd like to gain a level of success where I can tour several months out of the year and be away not only from the home, but the United States. I don't really care for the US and would like to visit countries like Sweden and Norway and possibly relocate there at some point, resources permitting. I'm currently in the process of producing a rock opera with a partner and 12-person team. Studio sessions get me out of the house 2-3 times per week, but that's not enough for my mother, who rarely leaves the house anymore. Like her mother before her, she has opted to give up driving in lieu of making her husband drive her anywhere she needs to go. Since her husband works 6 nights a week and is chronically exhausted and occasionally ill due to work relate stress, this has made her even crazier and edgier than usual.

I do my best to avoid her as much as possible. I stay in my home office all day. I even have a bed in there, so that I never need to leave the room, except to shower and prepare food. When not working or sleeping, I do my best to stay out of the house as much as possible.

Didn't mean to rant like that. All I want is a suggestion as to how to manipulate my mother into leaving me alone. Everybody has their triggers. So, I'm assuming there must be some way to trigger her into backing off or possibly even being pleasant. Maybe a psychologist has some advice in that area? I don't know. I just want peace until I can get the hell out.

[Doh2007]

I think that all you can do is ask for what you need in a reasonable manner. If you're dependent on living there, it's hard to be in a powerful position. Is it easier to deal with than a job? Oh, and can you put a lock on your bedroom door?

[CedarS]

You aren't ranting at all. You are in a difficult situation.

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All I want is a suggestion as to how to manipulate my mother into leaving me alone. Everybody has their triggers. So, I'm assuming there must be some way to trigger her into backing off or possibly even being pleasant.

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If I was in your position, this would not work for me. For me, focusing on how to get my mother to do something or not would still be focusing too much on her. In other words, for me this would be still part of the trap.

Ideally I'd use that energy for something else. One example might be to work with my therapist in figuring out the steps to complete a goal, like being eventually able to move to my own place. I'd get help in breaking down the big goal into small manageable steps.

[BalishBun]

hey you have a lot going on. I hope you get some time on your own once and awhile to relax.