[kayannarose]

Hi there, I'm new here and thought I'd do a little introduction. I'm a married mom to 2 wonderful kids. I have a full-time job and am trying to finish my BS degree in Education. My goal is to be a history teacher. I have a lot of problems dealing my my emotions, especially when they pertain to relationships. Once upon a time, I was an outgoing, friendly person. Now, I'm not. I'm afraid of people trying to use me or control me in some way. I feel like I am surrounded by selfish, manipulative people, most of all my spouse and his family. My huaband is a very sweet guy. If you met him, you'd think I was either nuts or lying about him, because he looks like Winnie the Pooh and has a happy, quiet personality. But, up until about 6 months ago, he was not that way at home. He was either totally needy and dependent on me, or totally controlling. He is highly intelligent and plays mind games with me. He used to talk all the time about "keeping me in line" or "Making me behave", and then say it was a joke. He is a very affectionate person and is always saying "I love you," but I even question the depths of his feelings towards me. Until I came along, in High School, he had only had one prior girlfriend, and says that I am all he has in the world. Six months ago, I decided I wanted to leave. I had started talking to other men, both online and in real life, and discovered that not all men are big babies, and that it was possible to find someone who would treat me as an equal and not someone to use. My husband found an e-mail, and this opened the door for communication. Now, he is acting like a "whipped puppy." He helps out more around the house, is even more affectionate, is looking for ways to show me how "special" I am and how much he loves me. Still, after 10 1/2 years of not being that way, it feels false. Like it is another mind game, like this is a new tactic to keep me "in line" so I won't leave him. Because, remember, he's had no one else in his life! His family, well, that is a whole other story that I will share later. The hate and resentment is eating me up inside. Last night I was up until 1:30 crying because of the "trap" I feel like I'm in. But, anyway, I'm glad I found this forum, I hope that maybe I can work out some issues here,.

[splash]

Hi kayannarose,

Welcome to the forums. There are a lot of nice, supportive people here.

Have the two of you talked about going to couples' counseling, or marriage therapy? Have you considered seeing a counselor or therapist? It might be helpful.

I'm glad you found us! Take care.

splash

[Frances]

Hi Kayannarose,

your man sounds very passive hostile. My husband was my fourth child, I was responsible for pretty much everything though he had an uncanny knack for ultimate veto!!. When my youngest was born disabled, the cracks in our marriage started to show.

Even down to not taking responsibility for the nasty things they might say passive hostiles are so hard to reach coz they don't acknowledge to themselves what they are doing. My husband always said "just joking" if I responded to one of his subtle barbs. kayannarose, a good response when someone gives you a little jabbing comment is "What do you mean by that?" however the passives just run with disclaimers of "oh nothing"

Kayannarose it does seem like a double edged sword when they are both child like and controlling. Every one who meets my husband finds him to be the nicest bloke, and he's like Paddington Bear in fact his nickname was once coodgiebear! He comes across very easy going but he does not do anything he doesn't want to do. He loved being a family man but complained if I wanted to do the shopping sans the kids. Pretty much he liked playing daddy while mummy is there. He would even ring me on my mobile to complain about the kids doing this or that!!! "They want you" he would tell me!!

Kayannarose there is so many frustrations to a relationship like this and outsiders can't imagine what your problem is coz "He's such a nice easy going guy!" Yeh sure I say, "You live with him!" Is any of that familiar?

Regards Frances
Eat right sleep right and play hard

[penna]

i agree with splash--look into some couples therapy. my husband was incredibly needy and very passive-aggressive toward me for most of our relationship, but that was only because i tolerated that from him. a little over a year ago i started seeing a therapist on my own and by about the 4th or 5th session i told him i wanted to leave my husband. my therapist was an annoying little prick and asked my why i wanted to leave. he then proceeded to shoot holes in every one of my arguments and encouraged me to at least *try* couples therapy for a little while first. so my husband and i have been doing that for close to a year. it really has helped a lot. my therapist has helped my find ways to thwart my husband's passive-aggressive crap and he has really helped my husband understand how i interpret a lot of his actions. he also explained to my husband how my past affects the way i perceive his actions.

it sounds like your husband might not have had a very good example of a marriage to emulate. it's possible that much of his controlling behavior might be completely unconscious. if that's the case, some couples therapy might help him to see how his approach to you is counterproductive. in any case, it doesn't sound like it could make things much worse for you.

oh, and for about 4 months after my husband and i started couples therapy, my individual therapy sessions were little more than me venting my frustration and resentment about the 7 million things my husband had done to piss me off that week i think that alone helped me to see my husband in a different light. once i had an outlet for my resentment, it was easier for me to give him the benefit of the doubt and try a different approach to him.

[kayannarose]

Thanks, Splash, for the welcome. We have talked about counselling. We both think it's the other person's need. I know he needs it for his clinginess and control issues, and he says I need it because I just don't want to be loved, and that I'm scared to death of really allowing our relationship to "take over" (my term) my life.

[kayannarose]

Hi Fraces! I know exactly how you feel about feeling like your husband is your baby. When we first started talking about trying to save the marriage, I asked him what he wanted from me. His answer, 'Clean socks and underwear." LOL Still haven't gotten over that one.

[kayannarose]

Hi Penna. Yes, we have talked about, and are both willing to go into therapy. Right now, we are caring for his mother, and she would make it very hard. But, she's supposed to go home in a month, and maybe we can start then.

So, do you think it's helping? I think the venting sounds wonderful. I also know that not everything is his fault. I'm a pretty moody person. But, I want someone to tell me "Why". Explain to me what makes us act like this, and help us learn not to.

[penna]

i think the couples therapy has absolutely helped. we get along better now than we ever have and i actually enjoy my husband's company sometimes now instead of just feeling like he's a ball and chain.

incredibly, my husband has even agreed to start seeing a therapist on his own--something he flatly refused to do before we started couples therapy. he hasn't made an appointment yet, but i'm actually pretty sure he will.

definitely give it a try and let us know how it goes!