Felt soooooo Unwanted Tonight -

Just needing to share as to released all the negative thoughts and feelings that are stirring in me......

Talk about not feeling wanted...... While I know that spouse need time away from each other in order to remain content with each other I never thought I would feel so unwanted by my husband like I did today when my husband came home early from work at 4:30 and found me sitting on the cough instead at my nieces house baby sitting like I usually do until 6:00 PM.

..... our son works on Tuesday & Thursday, therefore, this is hubby's time to him self for two hours each night until I get home with take to eat for dinner,

I heard his work van drive up and I was like HAPPY to see him (and early at that) - but what do I get when he walks in the door..... but a "What are you doing Here" with a shocked look on his face - "You are not supposed to be here" - "Go back to _____ house" - "I want my time alone"

I was like...... well nice to see you too....... then he said "well, you know what I mean - I just wanted my time alone and now you are here" - I was like..... fine then, I will go to sleep so you can have your time alone with out me being in your space.

He could tell that I was upset (hurt) - and after he set down on the couch with a cold soda and some chips to munch on he asked me to come sit next to him..... I said "no" I will stay here in the chair as to not disturb you and your time sweetheart. He said: Well, if I am your sweetheart then please come sit by me...... I said "no" and remained in my chair for my heart was full of hurt and rejection by now.......

I did go to bed (for three hours) and hubby seemed happy with his time to his self...... I woke up and my husband went to bed with in an hour of me getting up. We had a few tiffs before we departed - him to bed me to the living room.

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Now What? - was I stupid for acting as I did or are we both at fault........ be honest now - don't spare my feelings, as I already feel like an ugly heel.

oh I know how that feels. yesterday every room I went into that my dh was in he got up and left. it stinks! (((hugs)))

Yeah it does Stink......

and it is not that I mind him having some alone time to him self, for I don't and I value my alone time on Monday's.... it is just that he expressed his disappointment of having me home when he thought I was still gone with such force that it left me feeling unwanted by him - not important I guess.

Ouch, that had to hurt. Your reaction may have not been the best thing for the situation, but it was certainly understandable. Anyone here probably would have reacted in the same way.

Your husband probably didn't mean to hurt you, and once he realized that he did, he tried to fix it. It wouldn't hurt to have a sit down and ask where that initial response came from. Why is that regular alone time so important that he isn't happy to be surprised by his wife's presence? Is his job really stressful? Does he need time to bleed it off? Is there something that he likes to do in his alone time that he can't do when there are distractions around?

It's not like you're always there. Demanding that you leave was childish of him. It's your house, too, after all. If my husband reacted like that, I'd be worried that something else was going on. Not to make you paranoid or anything- I'm just saying that it probably was something else happening, and not so much a rejection of you. Does that make sense?

Oh yeah it makes perfect sense and honestly I feel the same way about my Mondays when my son is at school and my husband is at work and I am home alone -- have the house to my self... but I would never reject any one that invaded that space - well no adult that is as I baby sit kids all week lone - lol.

I can now see that I acted child like in my behavior when I mistakenly got hurt by my husbands words...... why can't people see the end result before they act or react?

And don't worry I do not think that any thing else is going on....... after being given some time to think I know hubby probably just looks forward to some alone time like I do - and I know it is hard when we do not get that time or when another takes it away from us.

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Over all....... I don't like feeling rejected by the men in my life, especially my husband.... my past saw to that.

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Child_of_light said:
Why is that regular alone time so important that he isn't happy to be surprised by his wife's presence?

Is his job really stressful? Does he need time to bleed it off?

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You have to know my husband - as he is stressed all to much these days... and he is not always a pleasant person to be around due to this stressful nature...... but I love him.

*hugs*

It definitely sounds like disappointment at that lost alone time rather than rejection of you. I know how it is to deal with a stressed spouse. My husband snaps at me sometimes when he's stressing out. I just remind myself that it's not me, it's the stress. He always apologizes later.

If it's any consolation, I had a dream about you last night Rhapsody (which is odd, considering that I don't know what you look like!). Do you ever watch The Office? The guy that plays Jim - I'm not particularly attracted to him, although I do think he's cute - he and I were launching into an affair, and I heard him get into a fight with Pam (the receptionist and his love interest in the show) because she wanted to move in with him and he said he "wasn't ready". Well, she and I found out it was because he was already living with YOU! So there - you ARE wanted, and by a coveted guy!

Ok, it was just a dream and he's not your husband, but I though I'd share.

I do think you should have tried to sit with your husband when he asked you to so nicely. Although I also understand feeling so hurt that you couldn't help but dig in your heels and pout.

I'm sorry he reacted like that, Rhapsody. I can relate a bit to how he feels, because I NEVER get any alone time in my house, but there is no reason that he had to be so blunt about it. It was very inconsiderate of your feelings, and I'm sorry that he hurt you like that

It's hard not to think in terms of who's right and who's wrong. It's also hard not to just react, like happened to both of you. It's easier for men to compartmentalize feelings than it is for women.

What helps is to talk about how both can handle similar situations in a better way.

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Doh2007 said:
It's easier for men to compartmentalize feelings than it is for women.

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You've obviously never met my husband. He tried to "fix" a plumbing problem on Monday; we still don't have water in the house and he stopped speaking on Wednesday.

I'm queen of not wanting to go/do whatever my husband wants to do so he goes himself and then I resent that, that I've been left alone :-)

I wouldn't take it personally. I think he's sorry that the "go away" slipped out and doubt you will hear it very often in the future. But the whole thing was about space and what was expected/looked forward to. I don't think either of you gave him enough time to respond to the surprise of you being there is all. But it wasn't about "you" I don't think, but about his looking forward to a state that suddenly wasn't there. I think he would have said what he said to anybody/his mother :-)

If I am in your situation in the future, I think I'm going to see if I can recognize the "problem"/surprise and "happily" offer to leave or ask permission to stay, etc. before my husband can respond to the surprise in a spontaneous way neither of us might like :-)

I think I would have done the exact same thing as you did. And Im sorry you were feeling so bad!

My husband has never been one to control what he says either, and I'll tell ya, he hurts my feelings constantly. I guess after five years you would think I would be able to just get a backbone and ignore, but it does hurt to feel unwanted.
I liked the advice of someone else who said....maybe when you two are alone again, just ask why he was so upset and try to talk it out. (If your anything like me, it would be on my mind until I was able to vent it to him, and at leased have some closer!)

I just think men are from a whole different world than we are when it comes to communication and emotions!!!

Well I must be whipped. I would like to say what your husband did but, I just can't because it would hurt her feelings. I crave alone time but i'm made to feel bad because I " don't want to be with her." It isn't that I don't love her it's I want to be alone, to do my own thing. Just a day out without her would be great. If I go she gets upset and says she's lonely. Why can't she find friends to go shopping with? Everyone she meets she dosen't like. They are too immoral or they drink or whatever.

After 35 years I'm getting real tired of it. I've tried reasoning with her to no avail. It's like I'm in prison.

Thanks for all the replies...... and I agree, I do not think he really meant to hurt my feelings nor does he wish I would go away for ever - just on Tues & Thurs for 2 hrs after work - his personal alone time.

And I have to say that I do believe there is some deeper emotions at play in this matter as I placed it on the old emotional scale and it came out higher than it should be / rank....... meaning the situation is like a 2 or 3 and I am giving it a 8 in my reactions due to past wounded emotions that was resonated from his word - words that felt like rejection and being unwanted to me.

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Tonight I am still having a little trouble shaking off this unwanted feeling - but I am trying.